A Serious Question

In a semi-similar situation myself. I don't have any answers; just try to do the best I can for my family and friends and myself every second of every day. Luckily, I'm awake about 21 hours a day, so have LOTS of time to do that. (lol?) I'm 63, also led an "eventful" life. Lots of bad decisions, lots of regrets. But, I guess my focus now is to try to make smarter decisions, help those I can to do the same, and just live in the now, instead of worrying about the past. Can only go on from here; can't go back. If I could, I would in a heartbeat. Thoughts and prayers.

Hi,

From my personal experience the concept of "boxing the memories away" just did not work because it did not make me face them head on, it just attempted to hide them.
Once I faced them head on and fully understood that the person I am today would not be possible without those actions & memories; I was able to deal with them as a stepping stone instead of letting them define who I am.
Every time I start to dwell on some previous bad decision, action or consequence I tell myself those things are just as much a part of who I am today as every single good decision, action or consequence.
And most importantly that I like the current ME.

I will say this....ANYONE on this forum ever need someone to just listen to them, someone to vent to, especially if you start thinking there is no way to get past something, or only one way to make things right........I have 2 ears and all the time you need.

Sincerely,
Theis

Not sure boxing away the memories is the answer. Can you make amends and rectify the things you regret? If you can, or have rectified, the things you have done then you have to forgive yourself.

Doug
Will PM you some info. Tad busy pretending to work.

Same guy I went to marriage counseling with. My ex didnt go with me.
Strong belief and coaching about being a man vs all the wring your hands and be an emasculated pussy so many counselors seem to push towards.

And I will pray for you. That may be a good place to start as well if your not adverse to it. Might even be if you are. ?

Im not a bible thumper but in this case the right religous person might be able to help you out.

Believing or not in religion, what is true, is that the human animal is faulty.

Religions in a lot of ways are just collective wisdom based on observed experiences good and bad. There is a lot to learn from reading these experiences. They may seem dated but put the lesson in the context of the present they work because they are about human nature.

Just knowing a particular case is not an anomaly but actually common might help someone realize "Hey maybe my conscience need not be so bothered".

The past is past.

You cant do much about what is done.

What are you going to do going forward to "rewrite" over the story you dont like.

Think of that every day and hopefully at the end of each day you will have something positive to ponder no matter how big or small.

The fact you are even asking shows there is a lot of promise in you.

Reality.. ain't some man's religion.

The answer lies in believing that the owner of all things will forgive you if you sincerely ask for forgiveness with the intent to never do the same again.

That wont make the guilt stop trying to torment you over the past. But when it does you must remind yourself that it is insulting to the owner not to forgive yourself when they already have. Don't ever doubt the forgiveness when your approach is sincere. We aren't the owner nor do we have the power to keep all of reality in order. Keep that up while doing you're best to do the right things and it will get better. Remember that none of us are perfect and consulting with the owner frequently will be needed as we slip over new things all while doing our best to be better.

Hey man, don't ever be hesitant to reach out to us whenever you need it.

We are all human. And we are not perfect. And we all have done certain things that we are not exactly proud of now that we are matured and looking back.

Regret is not the answer. Neither is dwelling on it. Because the past is past. It cannot be changed, so do not waste your health or energy in that quagmire. Look ahead and think forward. Hold on to everything that you got and seek to make a positive influence in other peoples' lives.

The fact that you have made it here today means that you have been given a chance. Do not waste the gift and seek to expand upon it. Every morning when you wake up, think about what you are going to do today that will bring a positive change to society. It can be something as small as teaching a newbie how to shoot (which I am doing today). It does not matter how small or big. Always plan and aim for as big as possible, but be careful and be wise.

Stay strong there friend. And talk to us whenever you need a tow out of any ditch you may find yourself stuck in. Life is a bumpy road filled with mud and potholes. The solution: Make sure you are driving a beefed up truck. Keep on truckin'. And I wish you the best.

Face the past to overcome it. Even if it never sees another human’s eyes, write a book.

Take a look at this-

https://www.innerbonding.com/

It may help

I’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression for the last 10 years or so! It’s a tough road for sure but like some others posted ahead of me are correct! I’m having a hard time dealing with health problems that I think led to this as well! I think the most important thing you can do is have a schedule and live by it. Excercise and a daily devotion out of the Bible could be your friend! Although I know it can be difficult to do sometimes. Forget the past and look to today, everyday! Hope this helps! Also set aside couple hrs everyday for thing you love to do. Shooting, hunting, fishing etc. make it your time. A balanced life is critical!

Walk really far. Unplugged. Mostly by yourself. Day after day. It will give you the opportunity to think and think about everything until there is nothing more to think about.
15mi /day for 3monthes should be a good start.

Easy to get depressed by past mistakes and cruelties. Say you run over a chicken, you feel bad every day until you finally come back and get the chicken that has maggots on it and hang it around your neck and carry the stinking thing around till it all rots away.

Running over the chicken just happened like many other things that did in the past. Maybe you need to stop dragging up dead chickens/past events?

Go to a good Psychologist with years of experience, preferably 50 or older. Have them test you to find out what kind of depression you have. Some people may have a genetic short in their brain that is not event-driven.

If you not chemically imbalanced, let the psychologist help you step to step.

For Vets or Cops, I especially recommend that you ask the Psychologist if they have ever taped anyone or if they are going to tape you?

How often do they go to Court on cases and what their specialty training has been?

OK unless you are having suicidal thoughts or seeing things or hearing voices and getting messages from TV or billboards telling you to do things?

Avoid any conversations about your firearms or how many you own.

DO NOT tell anyone who your Psychologist is! If you do that, your detractors will call them with made up crap because they saw you wearing a MAGA cap etc.

OK, I am concerned about anyone with depression and have seen it in Three of the Corrections facilities I was around and it was common for those who are locked up. My information is mainly for the person who is not incarcerated or has been but has paid their debt and should move on in life. Believe me when I tell you friend, The only difference between many who have never been arrested and those that have, is because they were never caught.

Also, know this; If you are not a serious threat to Society, most of us care about you.

Don’t let your past define you.

You ARE the person you want to be.

Service of fellow human beings is proven to help.

Dougie308 said:

Thanks guys. I truly appreciate your help. Some recent events in my life brought back things that I thought I had come to terms with. There but for the grace of God went I. But sometimes I can’t stop sliding down the rabbit hole and wonder....... Well, when I began turning myself around a very wise told me that “reality is your friend “. So when these things come back for a visit I remind myself of all that I have accomplished and those I am so fortunate to have the love of. Still it takes all I have not to allow what I was to lash out when I feel a threat. Once trained, it’s hard for some things to be turned off.

Thank you sincerely for your insights. One of the things I had to relearn to be me now is gratitude. If I can ever be of any service to you or yours just ask.

Click to expand...

Are you talking about banging a lot of tail and having regrets? Because this sounds a lot like you were banging a lot of tail and have regrets.

Be careful wit depression, its destructive, when you figure out t=you are impacted by it, that is half the battle, getting through it and keeping it at bay is your new mission. You are not alone.

Sam Dunham said:

Easy to get depressed by past mistakes and cruelties. Say you run over a chicken, you feel bad every day until you finally come back and get the chicken that has maggots on it and hang it around your neck and carry the stinking thing around till it all rots away.

Running over the chicken just happened like many other things that did in the past. Maybe you need to stop dragging up dead chickens/past events?

Go to a good Psychologist with years of experience, preferably 50 or older. Have them test you to find out what kind of depression you have. Some people may have a genetic short in their brain that is not event-driven.

If you not chemically imbalanced, let the psychologist help you step to step.

For Vets or Cops, I especially recommend that you ask the Psychologist if they have ever taped anyone or if they are going to tape you?

How often do they go to Court on cases and what their specialty training has been?

OK unless you are having suicidal thoughts or seeing things or hearing voices and getting messages from TV or billboards telling you to do things?

Avoid any conversations about your firearms or how many you own.

DO NOT tell anyone who your Psychologist is! If you do that, your detractors will call them with made up crap because they saw you wearing a MAGA cap etc.

OK, I am concerned about anyone with depression and have seen it in Three of the Corrections facilities I was around and it was common for those who are locked up. My information is mainly for the person who is not incarcerated or has been but has paid their debt and should move on in life. Believe me when I tell you friend, The only difference between many who have never been arrested and those that have, is because they were never caught.

Also, know this; If you are not a serious threat to Society, most of us care about you.

Click to expand...

Minor derail here.

One day I tried to hit the chicken. Lined up dead center, went over it , looked in the rear view . Nothing. I thought oh shit it’s stuck in here. So I immediately drive 5 mi to my friends house. Go in and bring him out.

To our amazement the chicken is stuck in the grill and alive. I poked it with a broom handle and the thing jumped out and lived in his yard for several years.
Derail over.

Dougie308 said:

I have a serious question for anyone has , or is suffering from depression.

Without going into lengthy details, I am 57 years-old and for about 25 of the years lead a very eventful life. I truthfully believe I could write a bestseller based on the things I’ve seen and done. Unfortunately for a time many of of my actions were very bad. I make no excuses. At the time I was willingly engaged in things that were illegal, immoral and committed without a shred of mercy. In truth I was predator. And in my wake I left truckloads of pain and anguish for people to clean up.

I am no longer that man. And I have done all I could think of to redeem myself and help others understand the path that I lead was very wrong. I regularly see counselors advice and use medications that they say are helping. However, the memories never leave or even fade in their clarity.

Thought not a military combat veteran my experiences are similar. Does anyone out there know of any techniques to help box those memories away?

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It's a myth that time heals so-called wounds. Experience (life) only distracts you from them.

Whatever those things are, if you can create a series of experiences more enjoyable than the prior, then you can compartmentalize effectively. This doesn't mean those negative experiences are forgotten; your brain has convinced you that anything "negative" is STILL important (in your immediate recall) because it signifies something relating to survival, in evolutionary terms.

If you experience negative-X, and remain alive, your brain will encode this as "X-outcome, in virtue of not dying in X-circumstance, confers survival", and therefore, it remains in your mind. You ruminate because your brain is convinced it's what's keeping you alive. This is sort of what cortisol does in the HPA axis, it re-enforces whatever your behavior was in the given SNS-arousing moment. If you didn't die, your brain has concluded whatever you did was adaptive (even if it wasn't), and it remembers it forever. That's why people re-enact traumatic events. Their brain is convinced it will work again. And it's also why you're bothered by memories, broadly speaking. The mind LOVES to generalize.

Fear processing engages dopamine circuits in a bi-directional manner, quite literally in the same way cocaine addiction works. Lets expand this: increasing income (even if you hate spending, which expands to hoarding), relationship seeking with no end goal, buying guns you don't even want that much, binging on 2lbs of bacon when you're full, a 6-pack of IPA when you're exhausted and about to pass out. Your brain fears more the not having it ever again, not the fear of not wanting it. This is all out of your control.

You need to find healthy, legal, and morally acceptable (relative to your beliefs) things that activate your dopamine circuits. Most people do this by accident. Following your intuition is a good start, but beware of your biases. Often it manifests as a midlife crisis thing. People do what we call stupid shit (buy a Porsche in hideous yellow), because they need their dopamine quite literally right now, but haven't done much soul searching. The intuition part is important.

The ones that successfully navigate the crisis (which we all have a few of them) are those that find some crazy ambitious goal that they can actually conceivably achieve. It starts to become part of their new identity bit by bit, and it explodes from there. That's when you often get the most initial pain, but the highest reward in the end. The most radical people you'll ever meet on either side of the political spectrum have done something akin to this, at least in illusion.

Your brain's primary purpose is to solely keep you alive. It encodes "alive" as dopamine. It's not there to give you meaning, feel safe, or make you feel happy. That's a bunch of wishy-washy hippy bullshit. People who say otherwise are people who gave into the illusion that doing healthy, dopaminergic things therefore means "that's how the brain works". They did this by accident. The brain evolved to keep you alive. It's merely a coincidence we no longer live in a world where killing tons of rival tribes and having sex with many people is actually legal / attainable (dopaminergically engaging). Society changed, but your brain didn't. Unfortunately, you need to play the new game we find ourselves in. This effectively means tricking your brain into thinking doing meaningful things, having belonging in X, pursuing grand-Y goal "confers survival".

Hence the existence of: a large number of people willing to drop thousands upon thousands of dollars on a rather absurd hobby (PRS). find belonging (this forum), and feel, through illusion, they are about to achieve some miraculous goal/trophy/like/etc none other has ever done (illusion).

This post is not intended to be the be-all evolutionary neurobiology theory - i'm giving you a summarized gist of what is now beyond obvious in the related fields.

Articles funded by your tax dollars:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3927738/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4547090/

I did some bad shit when I was young, but I also had a shitty father. He was good at teaching me shit, but when it came to just being a good person, a good husband and father, nope, didn't do that. Luckily my grandmother took me in a couple years after parents divorced. She taught me to be good. But I still never saw what a good husband looks like so I carried that into my marriage, which failed. That wasn't all my fault, I really tried and I never laid a hand on her, said mean things in anger only that was bad enough. But I had no role model, I had to wing it. Hard to explain, but when you don't know what you are doing, you know that much.

So a lot of bad shit I did when younger, I have to sort of let go and attribute it to him. He was the shit bag. Had he been different or not there, I seriously doubt I'd have done or said the things I did. What I didn't feel bad about doing then, I now regret --that illustrates growth. At least you know the difference and aren't still doing it.

Then there's other shit I did later on that was my fault, indirectly caused by my father but still the fact remains had he been a dad things would have turned out completely different. I gave a lot of thought to this in philosophy classes much later.

Now I try to just be a better person. I try to be a good and honest person and a tolerant one, though open minded I'm also open mouthed sometimes. I still think about those things in the past and it hurts, but then I think about how damn far away I am from feeling that lost that I did those things. I know I'll never do any of it again, so why should I let it define me? I shouldn't, and I don't.

I've also talked about it. I told my ex wife pretty much everything while married. Same with my buddy except we weren't married (or dating or fucking, gotta be careful with details around here!). It felt better after talking about it and if they really care about you and know you they won't judge you for it. Whatever it is. Provided you are trying to grow from it. Turn it into something good if you can.

But don't let it bury you or own you. We all fuck up. Remember it, don't dwell on it. It'll pop back and haunt you vividly from time to time, give it it's moment and move on. But don't give it anymore than its moment.

And there are a LOT of GOOD people on this site, several damn fine ones right here in your thread alone and many of them would go the extra step to help you if you ask. And most of us have our own fair share of fuckups we ain't proud of. You can PM many of us for a less public conversation too. So you ain't alone, we got your 6 as it goes.

Hi,

Shit.... @Dougie308
Business with .Gov entities still operate on that methodology.....
1 week before IDEX in Abu Dhabi you start seeing the villas and hotels filling up with the "Guest" like these:


Edited To Add: Gun Bunnies are a real thing, lol.

Sincerely,
Theis