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Maggie’s Electric fence

Hateca

Gunny Sergeant
Full Member
Minuteman
  • Aug 12, 2004
    1,568
    89
    Henderson NV
    Think about all the guy's you know when you read this. Try not to laugh.

    We have the standard 6ft. wooden fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

    To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

    I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
    fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
    unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't
    remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says one cannot crap, and pee at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do both at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.

    The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, and pee, with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

    I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

    3- Poop and pee when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might first think.

    4- My left eye will not open.

    5- My right eye will not close.

    6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

    7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

    8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
    sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
     
    Re: Electric fence

    ROFLMAO!
    laugh.gif
     
    Re: Electric fence

    I'm dying here!!! You poor bastard.

    When we were about 12 and would go float the canal in tubes at the top one friend's fields. Their milk cows kept crowding the fence from the pasture into the adjacent alfalfa field so they just insulated the top barb-wire strand and electrified it. We were always real careful crossing it.

    Having just come from the canal one day, dripping wet in cut-off Levi's we were crossing the fence. One guy was having one of your days and got the crotch of his shorts caught on the wire. With every pulse of the fence he would yell and jump, coming back down even more firmly onto the wire. The rest of us were on the ground hurting with laughter, no help at all. He must have taken a couple dozen jolts before finally tearing free. The barbs had drawn blood from his scrotum which ended up a wicked looking black and blue for days later. He still gets blue ball jokes.

    Not as good as your story but hilarious live.
     
    Re: Electric fence

    Lost a cup of coffee, and fell outta my chair. I won't cross your fence!
     
    Re: Electric fence

    my key board is full of coffee. when i was a kid i worked on a dairy farm, one morning i went out into the field to open the new gate to let the cows in for milking,. the cows just stood there and looked at me. so i moved further away from the open gate and was taking a leak when i noticed a new wire, then it hit me in both mind and body. when i got my bearings back i was laying on my back holding what was left of my little and i mean stub of a pecker and a cow was licking my face. that was 50 yrs ago and i still have not forgiven the farmer. lesson learned. 10-4
     
    Re: Electric fence

    Ouch. My Dad would grab the wire right before grabbing me. He thought it was funny. Looking back it kinda was
     
    Re: Electric fence

    When I was a teenager my step-dad owned a ranch in Brackettville and cut and baled his own hay. We would get two cuts out of it, then we would put up an eletric fence and use those big tractor batteries (2 of them). Boy I tell you, you could hear that fence hum, then we would turn the cows into the fields to finish off the loose hay and stubbs. By the end of the first day the cows wouldn't get within 10ft of that fence.

    Well one day I was changing out the batteries which where located in depression, so when your down in there kneeling your looking at ground level. Well at the other end of the field some illegals were appraoching the fence so I disconnected the wire and watched!

    Well one quickly touched the wire then more slowly touched it again, then finialy grabbed it and then let go. There was some discussion, I couldn't hear, but there was some gesturing then they started to cross over they fence. Just as the last one swung his leg over the wire, I reconnected the wire, and you could here the screams for a mile. He was stuck straddled on that wire screaming and crying for help and his buddies, guess? They ran off and left him? After about a minute or so I began to feel sorry for the guy, plus I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe, I disconnected the wire and he just slid off the wire and layed there for a while before walking away slowly bowlegged crying and moaning!
     
    Re: Electric fence

    Electric fences and invisible fences are great!! i just wish I could find a way to get the collars on the illegal aliens!!!
     
    Re: Electric fence

    My eyes are watering!! Reminds me of the time my buddies walker coon dog got into our cattle fence,had his mouth on it.There was fire between his ears,it was at night.