Homeowner calls for help after bear climbs onto roof

[308220]

1 guy arrives with a ladder, a bat, 1 shotgun and a dog. The homeowner asks what all that is for. The man explains, "The ladder is to get onto the roof. The bat is to hit the bear off the roof, and the dog is trained to go for the bears nuts when he falls off the roof."....."Ok" says the homeowner..."But, what about the shotgun?" The man hands the shotgun to the homeowner and says...





"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."



With all the political threads, lets post some jokes.

 

[powdahound76]

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

He didnt want to be called a chicken.

 

[Threadcutter308]

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

He didnt want to be called a chicken.

The bear thing ? Just toss a thawed out rump roast over the fence into the neighbor’s yard and go to bed. The whole situation will have worked itself out by the time you wake up in the morning. Oh, and make sure you parked your car in the garage before you go nighty night.

 

[Barneybdb]

 

[CJS-6.5]

A professor is sent to Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math…all that nonsense.
One day the wife of the tribe’s chief gives birth to a white child. The angry chief pulls the professor aside and says, “You’re the only white man we’ve ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to see what went on here!”
The professor replied, “No, Chief. Let me explain. What you see is a natural occurrence! where I am from this is called an albino! Ill prove it! Look in that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. See, these things happen.”
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about the sheep and I won’t say anything more about the child.”

 

[CJS-6.5]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog
and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.
“Thanks” the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
“Little Partner”, the fire fighter says, "I don’t want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, too -
I think you could go faster.
"The little girl replies thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I
wouldn’t have a siren.”

 

[CJS-6.5]

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads “Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238” and decides to make the call. The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?”
“Ten pounds,” he replies.
“We’ll have a representative over in the morning,” says the operator.
About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”
The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!
That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 20 pounds.”
“We’ll send someone over.”
The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!
That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 50 pounds!”
“Fifty pounds?” the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.”
The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!”
About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch
You...

 

[CJS-6.5]

How I lost my teeth:
Last night I was at the local watering hole waiting for my beer when this butt ugly old heifer came up behind me and smacked me on the ass. She says to me, “Hey sexy, can I have your number?”
I said, “Do you have a pen?”
She says, “I sure do.”
I said, “Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices your missing.”
My dental surgery is next Monday.

 

[CJS-6.5]

Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

 

[CJS-6.5]

Need more.

 

[Strykervet]

There's a book called "Pissing in the Snow" and it's written by Vance Randolph an old fellow who went around the Ozarks collecting funny folk stories and such. Most are very raunchy. When I get a minute, I copy one on here.

But I seriously think everyone on the 'Hide would LOVE to read this book. When I first read it I was 9, would sneak my father's copy. I have my own copy on the bookshelf now. You'll probably have to order it, it's old and can't be found in bookstores. May be out of print.

Would make the ultimate gift for anyone on here.

***Edit: Here goes...***

"He Done it with a Bucket"

One time there was a boy got arrested for screwing a girl, and they claim he done it standing up, behind the door of the schoolhouse. But the girl stood near six feet tall and the boy was a little bit of a runt. The Justice of the Peace says he don't realize how the boy could reach high enough. The people said he done it with a milk bucket. The constable fetched the biggest bucket in town and made the boy stand on it, but he still lacked a foot. So the Justice of the Peace says the whole case looks fishy to him, and they turned the boy loose for lack of evidence.
After the whole thing blowed over, the girl told some of her friends what really happened. "We was both standing up" she says, "and it was the damndest fucking I ever had in my life!" The ladies all wanted to know how little Johnny could reach that high. The girl just laughed. "The little booger put the bucket on my head," she says, "and then he hung onto the handle like a woodpecker!"

Told in 1932 by Mrs. Bertha Combs in KC, MO. She had it handed down by relatives in the 1900's near Rocky Comfort MO.

From "Pissing in the Snow and Other Ozark Folktales" by Vance Randolph.

Book is full of these, I just picked a short one at random. True, backwoods American humor. Some of these stories actually have origins in Scotland, etc. Some have been re-written and are popular jokes even today (the one about the doctor). Bet some of you didn't know that Great Granny was that bawdy?

 

[Barneybdb]

https://www.amazon.com/Pissing-Snow-Other-Ozark-Folktales/dp/0252013646

 

[Steel+Killer]

Whats the difference between a Lesbian and a Wheat Thin?

One is a snack cracker the other is a crack snacker.

 

[Blue Sky Country]

A man had been on a long road trip and was completely exhausted when he spotted a bar along the road in a small Texas town. He parks his car and walks into the bar just to have a little refresher.

All of a sudden, footage of Hillary Clinton appears on the TV, giving a speech. Thinking to impress the group of cowboys around him, the man says in a loud voice: "Now, if this ain't the biggest horse's ass that's ever walked". Immediately, one of the cowboys got up from his stool and socked the man so hard in the face that he tumbled out of his seat.

When he regained his balance, the bewildered traveler sputtered: "Man, I'd better watch what I say here. I didn't know this was Clinton country".

"Naw, you got it wrong boy", said the cowboy, wiping a stream of tobacco juice from his lips. "This is HORSE COUNTRY".

 

[308220]

A man escapes from a prison where hes been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house, where inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties them to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While hes in there, the husband whispers to his wife. "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison and hasnt been with a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much it nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, hes going to kill us both. Be strong honey, I love you!"

She responds..."He wasnt kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that be is gay, thinks youre cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."

 

[Steel+Killer]

So a catholic priest is out of town visiting a all boys catholic boarding school the headmaster is giving him a tour of the grounds when the priest notices three boys with their dicks in the snow......so he ask the head master "whats up those boys with their dicks in the snow" The head master replies "Oh father we thought you would like a few cold ones later"