How to give a cat a pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from
behind sofa. Cradle cat
in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat
process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw
soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle
cat in best arm, holding
rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth
with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and
cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly
between knees, hold
front, and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill;
put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get
another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to
one side for
gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get
spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not
harmful to humans, drink
one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door
onto neck, leaving head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with
rubber band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and
put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour
shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for tetanus
shot. Apply whiskey compress
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch
new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire! departm ent to retrieve
the ----cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving
to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little ------'s front paws
to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of steak
filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 pints of water
down
throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get
spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to
order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect the
"cat from hell" and call
local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs
available.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1) Wrap it in bacon
2) Drop on the floor.
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from
behind sofa. Cradle cat
in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat
process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw
soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle
cat in best arm, holding
rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth
with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and
cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly
between knees, hold
front, and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill;
put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get
another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to
one side for
gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get
spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not
harmful to humans, drink
one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door
onto neck, leaving head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with
rubber band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and
put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour
shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for tetanus
shot. Apply whiskey compress
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch
new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire! departm ent to retrieve
the ----cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving
to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little ------'s front paws
to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of steak
filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 pints of water
down
throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get
spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to
order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect the
"cat from hell" and call
local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs
available.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1) Wrap it in bacon
2) Drop on the floor.
