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My late Great-Grandma used to work in a hospital and she had this hilarious story about a guy that was brought in because he was engaged in gay sex and had a light bulb stuck up his ass.
1) Never put anything in writing you wouldn't want to see on a billboard.
2) Never do anything to you body that will look stupid at 70.
3) NEVER do anything you will be embarrassed explaining in the emergency room.
I have a solution for this problem. Well it's a solution that you will have to slightly modify... Solution #1
After ER doctors removed the giant dildo, the dumbass farted. Burning gasses exited his abused anus at well over the speed of light. Hospital security cameras captured images of the resulting fireball and flaming fart missiles: