I need a Laugh today! Can one of you Grumpy Farts Tell me a Joke?

Expert684

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My buddy asked me what I got the wife for Christmas? I said slippers, robe, gift certificate and a few other things. I asked what he got his wife, he replied nothing, nothing at all. I said why not? He said she never used the gift from last year. I asked, what was it? He said a cemetery plot!
 
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unrepentant

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Bubba's boss was always bragging about knowing several celebrities and having worked on their cars. Bubba told his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, Tom and I are old friends; I can prove it. I'll take you to meet him". So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just luck.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.

“President Trump,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Sure,” Bubba says, “I know him. Let’s fly out to Washington.”

And off they go. At the White House, Donald spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise. You should have told me you were coming; I have a meeting to attend, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Bubba. "I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square. The Pope is on the balcony waving to the crowd when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what – let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope and shake his hand. Will that finally convince you?” The boss agrees, so Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican balcony. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba returns, he finds his boss laying on the concrete surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and some damn Japanese tourist next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”
 

Son of Dorn

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Jul 27, 2019
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi all go into a bar for a drink. After a while, they get to arguing over whose version of religion is better.

"Catholicism follows the dictates of Christ," says the priest, "and we've existed for two thousand years. We shaped Western history, so we're better!"

"Nah," says the minister, "Protestantism made God accessible to the common man and is more progressive. We're better!"

"You're both wrong," says the rabbi, "Judaism started it all. Without us, you'd have no Christ, so we're better!"

So they decide the best way to really find out whose belief is better is to go out into the forest and convert a bear. "Who'll go first?" they ask. "I will!" says the priest.

A few days later, the rabbi and minister visit the priest in the hospital. His arm is in a sling and he's a bit bruised up but in good spirits. "How'd it go?" they ask him. "He wasn't too enthusiastic at first but I taught the bear the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water, gave him Communion, and he became gentle as a lamb," the priest replies.

"Well hell, if it's that easy, I'll go next!" cries the minister. A few days later, the minister is in the hospital as well, his arm and leg in a cast and a mess of scars on his body. "That bear was ornery," he tells the others, "but I preached fire and brimstone and shoved him under the river and when he came up again, he was saved by Jesus and was gentle as a lamb!"

So the rabbi goes out to find a bear himself. A month later, the priest and minister visit him in the hospital. The rabbi's in a full-body cast with IV drips and a heart monitor beeping. "Good God, rabbi! What happened?!" they ask.

"Oy!" gasps the rabbi. "Maybe I shouldn't have led with circumcision!"
 
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theLBC

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Jun 21, 2019
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a catholic, protestant and jewish man were discussing how much money they gave to god or their church or temple.

the catholic draws a circle on the ground and says "i throw all my money in the air, and whatever lands in the circle goes to god."

the protestant draws a larger circle and says "i throw all my money in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle goes to god."

the jewish man says "i don't draw any circle. i just throw all my money high in the air, and whatever god wants he keeps."
 

Expert684

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Feb 22, 2013
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Bubba's boss was always bragging about knowing several celebrities and having worked on their cars. Bubba told his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, Tom and I are old friends; I can prove it. I'll take you to meet him". So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just luck.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.

“President Trump,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Sure,” Bubba says, “I know him. Let’s fly out to Washington.”

And off they go. At the White House, Donald spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise. You should have told me you were coming; I have a meeting to attend, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Bubba. "I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square. The Pope is on the balcony waving to the crowd when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what – let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope and shake his hand. Will that finally convince you?” The boss agrees, so Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican balcony. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba returns, he finds his boss laying on the concrete surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and some damn Japanese tourist next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”
Take Bubba out and add Boudreaux, take Boss out and add Thibodeaux, now go tell like a coonass, it will be a lot funnier! :ROFLMAO: (y)
 

davsco

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Jan 1, 2014
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3 pregnant ladies in a maternity ward. first one says, i know i'm having a boy. the others say, how do you know, you didn't do an ultrasound. she says, my husband was on top, so therefore i'm having a boy. next lady says, well i'm having a girl. same deal, no ultrasound, she says she was on top so therefore a girl is coming. 3rd lady says, oh my gawd, i'm having puppies.
 

Bigfatcock

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Jan 12, 2019
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When you read this, keep in mind that this joke came about before internet existed in homes and all the cheaply available surveillance shit you can buy today.

A man suspects his wife is cheating on him during the day while he is at work. He decides he needs to be able to record her in the act. However, she would notice any cameras in the room, and would just turn it off. After brain storming for a bit, he decides he'll buy a parrot to keep in the room, and it could tell him everything that occurred while he was gone.

He goes to the pet store, and tells the manager "I need a parrot that can talk.". The manager responds with "I have 3 of them, but each one has something wrong with it." The man agrees to take a look at them.

The man looks at parrot number one, and asks what is wrong with it. "This one is blind." the manager says.

The man looks at parrot number two, and asks what is wrong with it. "This one can't talk." the manager says.

The man looks at parrot number three, and asks what is wrong with it. "This parrot has no feet." the manager says. "How does it stay on it's perch?" asks the man? "It wraps its dick around it." the manager says.

So the man decides to buy the third parrot, the one with no feet.

He gets the parrot home and into the bedroom, and the wife is none the wiser.

The next day the man goes to work as usual.

Upon returning home he begins to question the parrot.

Man: "What did you see today"
Parrot: " I saw a man and a woman come into the bedroom."
Man: "Then what happened."
Parrot: "They started kissing."
Man: "Then what happened:
Parrot: " They started taking their cloths off."
Man: "Then what?"
Parrot: "They got in the bed"
Man: "Then what?"
Parrot: " She started to give him a blowjob."

The man, already sick to his stomach asks one final time: "Then what?"

Parrot: " I don't know. I got a boner and fell off my perch."
 

supercorndogs

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Feb 17, 2014
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Adam asked the Lord, why did you make Eve so soft?
The Lord said unto Adam, So you would love her.
Adam asked the Lord, Why did you make her voice so beautiful?
The Lord said unto Adam, So you would lover her.
Adam asked, Why did you make Eve so pretty?
The Lord said unto Adam, So you would lover her.
Adam asked, Why did you make her so sweet?
The Lord said unto Adam, So you would love her.
Adam asked, Why did you make her so stupid?
The Lord said unto Adam, So she would love you Adam.
1610648446486.png
 
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1J04

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  • Aug 7, 2011
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    A guy rushes his Wife to the Hospital to have their Baby. When it's all said and done the Dr. meets with them due to complications.

    Doc: There's been some complications I'd like to discuss with you.

    Man and Wife: *gasp* Dr., what is it?!

    Doc: This is going to be difficult, but if your Baby was born with no legs, would you still love it?

    Man and Wife: Oh my God! But yes, of course we would!

    Doc: Well, would you still love it if it were born with no arms?

    Man and Wife: OH DEAR GOD! *crying* YES, YES OF COURSE WE WOULD!!

    Convinced the Parents are going to accept this Child he signals for @powdahound76 to wheel the Baby in and it's gotta blanket draped over it. Doc pulls the blanky off and there sits a giant eye. The Husband and Wife gasp and begin crying uncontrollably, then are able to get out "we still love our baby" !

    Doc says folks, I've got more bad news.





    It's Blind!
     

    Tims

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    Jan 7, 2008
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    Dad came home from work to find his son sitting on the couch looking depressed. The Dad said what's wrong ? The boy replied I have to write a paper for school explaining the difference between theory and reality.

    Dad replies that's easy. Go ask your Mother is she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars. The boy goes and asks his Mom and she said she would. The boy goes and tells his Dad yeah Mom said she would.

    Dad tells his son go ask your sister if she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars. The boy asks his sister and she said she would. The boy tells his Dad she said yes too.

    Dad tells his son this is the difference between theory and reality. Theoretically were are sitting on 2 million dollars but in reality we are living with two whores.
     

    Jigstick

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    I’ve been posting bullshit for the past week trying to get to #1 on the leader board
     

    HiDesertELR

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    Oct 20, 2019
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    Way ahead of you
    Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

    The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic "what's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

    The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"

    "I sure do."

    "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

    "That's real good!" says the redneck.

    The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

    Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"

    "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

    "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.

    "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

    "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

    The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

    "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.

    "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

    "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.

    "No," his friend replied.

    "FAG"
     

    sirhrmechanic

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    Minuteman
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

    Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?"

    Watson pondered for a minute.

    "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
    "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
    "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
    "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
    "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
    "What does it tell you, Holmes?"

    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

    Cheers,

    Sirhr
     

    1J04

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  • Aug 7, 2011
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    Naselle WA
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

    Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?"

    Watson pondered for a minute.

    "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
    "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
    "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
    "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
    "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
    "What does it tell you, Holmes?"

    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

    Cheers,

    Sirhr


     

    Slash0311

    FUBAR
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  • Feb 11, 2017
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    A baby seal walked into a club...

    A guy walked into a bar and needed stitches...

    What do you call a cow that can't have a calf? De-Calf-inated...

    What did the police do when the truck load of toupees overturned? They COMBED the area.
     

    Slash0311

    FUBAR
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  • Feb 11, 2017
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    Now my best...

    A dieing father called his 3 sons together. He told all three that the one who can sell an ordinary duck for the most money will get all of his millions of dollars.

    The first son, an Ivy League grad with a Phd sold his for $30.

    The middle son, a grad from a trade school sold his for $25.

    They youngest, so stupid he couldn't pass middle school art, took his duck and left to sell his.

    He was looking for a bar but accidentally walked into a whore house. One of the working gals approached him.

    She offered her services if she gives her the duck.

    He says "all aight."

    They do the deed. She was so impressed with how good he was in bed she offered the duck back if they go again.

    He says "all-aight."

    So they bump uglies again, he takes the duck and leaves. He goes into the bar next door and gets really really drunk.

    He decides that since the duck got him laid twice, he'd just keep it.

    As he leaves the bar the duck flies out of his arms, into the street, hit by a truck and killed.

    Stupid is crying of his pet duck and the truck driver says: "heres $40, that's all the money I have.

    So all three gather with the father.

    First son proudly announces he got $30 for his duck.

    Middle deflatedly says he got $25 for his duck.

    Stupid proudly says:

    Well Dad, lets just say I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, then $40 for a fucked up duck.
     

    MrSmith

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    Nov 19, 2009
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    Claude's a'sittin down on his dock and sees his buddy Boudreaux floating down the river. Hollers out "Hey Boudreau, where you a'going in yo pirough" "I got me some Nutrasweet an I'm gonna float down and catch me a mess of them nutria rats." "Now Boudreaux, you ain't gonna catch no nutria rats with no Nutrasweet, you just leave me be an get on down the river" A few hours later up the river comes Boudreaux with a boatload of nutrias.

    Next day Claude's again sitting on the dock, looks up the river and here come Boudreaux. "Hey Boudreaux, where you a'going in yo pirough." "I got me a cooler full of Gatoraid an I'm gonna catch me some gators." " Now Boudreaux, you ain't gonna catch no gators with no Gatoraid, you just leave me be and get on down the river" Just before dark here comes Boudreaux with a whole boatload of 3 and 4 foot eatin' gators.

    Couple of days go by an Claude's back on the dock. Looks up river and hollers out "Hey Boudreaux where you a'going in yo pirough?" I got me a big bunch of pussy willow branches......" Claude hollers back "Hold on, I'll get my hat!"

    Thank you,
    MrSmith
     
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    gunjunkie45

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  • Nov 28, 2009
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    Now my best...

    A dieing father called his 3 sons together. He told all three that the one who can sell an ordinary duck for the most money will get all of his millions of dollars.

    The first son, an Ivy League grad with a Phd sold his for $30.

    The middle son, a grad from a trade school sold his for $25.

    They youngest, so stupid he couldn't pass middle school art, took his duck and left to sell his.

    He was looking for a bar but accidentally walked into a whore house. One of the working gals approached him.

    She offered her services if she gives her the duck.

    He says "all aight."

    They do the deed. She was so impressed with how good he was in bed she offered the duck back if they go again.

    He says "all-aight."

    So they bump uglies again, he takes the duck and leaves. He goes into the bar next door and gets really really drunk.

    He decides that since the duck got him laid twice, he'd just keep it.

    As he leaves the bar the duck flies out of his arms, into the street, hit by a truck and killed.

    Stupid is crying of his pet duck and the truck driver says: "heres $40, that's all the money I have.

    So all three gather with the father.

    First son proudly announces he got $30 for his duck.

    Middle deflatedly says he got $25 for his duck.

    Stupid proudly says:

    Well Dad, lets just say I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, then $40 for a fucked up duck, that got hit by a truck.
    FIFY. My version has a slightly different beginning, which doesn't really matter, but I remember that one extra bit of the punchline. It's a joke I memorized on the school bus in 4th grade. An older kid had a book of dirty jokes.
     
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    Rthur

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  • Apr 16, 2010
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    Not Chicago, Illinios
    Three men were captured by the Germans ww2.
    One Brit soldier.
    One American soldier.
    One French soldier.
    The Commandant come to the Stalag and says "if you can give us a task we can't complete
    We'll set you free".
    "I'll give you till morning".
    The three men thought all night.

    Next morning the commandant asks the Brit first.
    "What would you have us do?"
    The Brit replied "Move a mountain".
    They moved a mountain and killed him.

    The commandant asked the Frenchy.
    "What would you have us do."
    He replied "move 2 mountains"
    They moved 2 mountains and killed him.


    The commadant asks the American.
    "What would you have us do."
    He thinks for a minute then farts.
    "Paint that green".

    R
     

    4thstreet

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    May 14, 2020
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    Fun fact: when fancy Nancy sees a black cat it's the cat that gets bad luck, not her.
    Fun Fact: Fancy Nancy doesn't get scared in a horror movie the movie gets scared of her
    Fun Fact: Before the devil goes to sleep he checks under his bed to see if fancy Nancy is there.
     
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