Inappropriate Questions

[BlackWhiskey]

Every so often when I meet new people in the company of old friends or family, attention is brought to my time spent in the Marine Corps, and specifically to the time when I was with STA. I get the usual questions about how long I was in, do I know so-and-so who served with thus-and-such unit, where was I stationed and so on. These questions are absolutely fine and I have no problem answering them, but sometimes, and surprisingly more often from adults than children, do I get the inappropriate questions. These questions most often involve the quantity of people whom I have killed, or the quantity of friends I have lost in combat.

I want to say first and foremost that I understand that answers to these questions are interesting, but asking them is entirely inappropriate, rude and it shows someone's complete ignorance and insensitivity when they are asked.

If there is any question in your mind as to whether what you want to ask is appropriate or not, take the safe rout and don't ask it. Avoiding bringing up a veteran's traumatic or painful memories is a better thank you than any donation or bumper sticker.

As far as children are concerned, please make sure you let them know what is appropriate to ask and especially what isn't. I love children; I have one of my own and one on the way, which is why I want to make sure that they understand proper "veteran etiquette" and don't grow up to be an ignorant adult with detached sensitivity to a man's pain.

Thank you for reading.

 

[QuietShootr]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

Gentle education - the same way I answer the "Are you carrying a gun right now??" question when a family member throws me under the bus publicly.

"I'm not angry with you, because you honestly didn't know, but that's considered a pretty rude or inappropriate question."

Most people, including kids, will look shocked and apologize, and that's the end of it.

 

[Veer_G]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: QuietShootr</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Gentle education - the same way I answer the "Are you carrying a gun right now??" question when a family member throws me under the bus publicly.</div></div>

These are the same people who will also start shit with others in your presence and then run around behind you and try to shove you forward. If their ass can't cover the check they shouldn't write it.

I think some of the insensitivity is a combination of the fact that, one, we've been pretty busy all over the globe since the 80s, and two, some men feel somewhat emasculated by having no "BTDT."

 

[Izot]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

I have always found the "I support the troops, but what do you, did you think of the war you fought in" to be out of line. It always ends with them trying to drag you into a political discussion and has nothing to do with you supporting our military. I had any choice or say in where I went and what I did. We were soldiers carrying out the orders to the best of our ability and trying to stay alive. No offense, if you didn't server, I dont give a shot what you think of any war nor do I care how you feel about the way things are being handled in theater or your political views.
Provide our troops and familys with your support, dont just make an empty statement.

 

[MCSO1357]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

Law enforcement isn't much different in that respect. I get the "have you killed/shot anybody" question quit a bit. It seems like I'm asked more frequently than ever over the past few years, mostly by teens and twenty-thirty somethings.

 

[SDWhirlwind]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

Am not around alot of the 'younger' men and women coming back from current conflicts. However I was always literally shocked at the "how many people did you kill/shoot" to those that had returned from Nam. I never could grasp at how someone could be so ignorant, stupid and disrespectfull to another human, especially one fighting for their freedom.

I honestly think most of these ignorant people think that the Service Man or Woman is proud and enjoys 'gloating' over the lives they have taken. They don't realize these soldiers are human and want nothing more than to 'forget' such events. Most often the gent that sticks his chest out and say FIVE or offers a number freely is either a poser or was a mechanic with no field experience. Not that there is anything wrong with being a mechanic or any other "behind the lines" MOS. Have some close friends and relatives and have never had THAT discussion as I could give a shit less what the number is and assume they would like to forget it also!!

 

[ArcticLight]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

I tried to find that scene where the kids ask if he shoots people and murtah says "No, if someone's being bad I just shoot them in the leg"...

This will have to do, most of us know Veteran Etiquette and definitely enforce it.

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[WhiskeyWebber]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

I have the opposite problem. A guy I work with who is in his sixties will bring up stories about people he killed during Vietnam. I've never asked him about any of it, he just starts out with it while we are standing in the hallway. I can't tell if he is full of shit or not. I would think that if he really did those things, he wouldn't just bring it up during a normal business conversation. My Dad was a 60's and 70's era SF operator and he never talked about anything.

 

[ArcticLight]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

Just before I went to Alaska an uncle pulled me aside, stepdad had warned me he wont' talk about Vietnam with anyone.

He pulls out his picture box, according to family nobody else has seen it and sits down and shows me all the gorgeous scenery and flowers of Vietnam - the pretty stuff. I liked it!

 

[Greg Langelius *]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

Tell the kid you'll always be happy to answer his questions about such things when his parents are with him in person.

...and I think I may have been where those footprints are painted...

 

[Rookie]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

As an LEO, I get that question as well. I try to explain it to people this way:

Have you ever been present when someone died? Its pretty terrible right? Well its about a million times worse when you caused the death. As a result, its just not an appropriate topic of casual conversation, especially with someone you dont know very well.

Seems to get the message across.

 

[Valere]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

One of the unfortunate results of glorified portrayals of death and murder in Hollywood and the media. Black and white reporting of good vs. evil and a systematic devalorization of human life. The ambiguities of such terms as "good" and "evil" are ignored along with that of those who are tasked to hastily define such terms and take action against them. While there are other contributing factors, it can't be denied that someone learned how "appropriate" such questions are, partly, if not completely, based on a constant reinforcement, glorification and desensitization of such actions and results.

Time to stop watching the TV and head to the VA hospital <span style="text-decoration: underline">just to say thanks.</span> They might actually learn something while they're there...

 

[VJJPunisher]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

i say "come over on saturday, i have an ear necklace im sure youd like to see" and then i rub myself, but on the outside of my pants so as to keep it unawkward

 

[pdogsbeware]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

Made me think of this.

 

[Cornholeo]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

I teach my family that when we see a service member out in uniform, in the airport or in a restaurant, to thank them for their service to our country. If they are in line somewhere, their money is not to be used, we pay, period. Support them, let them know they are appreciated and loved and if they want to talk, listen.
They have earned every bit of it.

 

[Luke]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

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[5RWill]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: VJJPunisher</div><div class="ubbcode-body">i say "come over on saturday, i have an ear necklace im sure youd like to see" and then i rub myself, but on the outside of my pants so as to keep it unawkward</div></div>

Oh yeah you went there lmao..

 

[decider]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

"veteran etiquette".... I have a lot to say about this topic that would immediately get me banned again for the 42nd time... so I will refrain, and such an easy target, really...

but I will say that this group must also agree with gays in the military and females serving "on the front lines"... just saying, veteran etiquette is an oxymoron, veterans are harder than woodpecker lips and this touchy feely stuff is left for those fags with PTSD and rainbow flags on their lunch boxes

 

[THE SENTINEL]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

peaple are so blinded by the shit storm they see in the media
and what is not in the media.they will ask you anything anytime.
its a no morales society.I work for the county I live in
I am exposed to thousands of peaple.I see it all. I
think most peaple suck,not sorry thats the way it is.The common
good is gone,I dont give a damn how many targets you took out.
you served and you made it home.just tell them to leave you
the fuck alone about that chapter.its over.

Semper Fi

 

[Maggot]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

Or just letem look deep into your eyes. The eyes are the mirror of the soul, and the soul is where its all stored.

 

[Switchblade]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

I have been covered elbow deep in a few bloody folks and have saved a few lives and have tried real hard to save a few that just wouldn't be saved. I simply look into their eyes, wait a few seconds for their faces to do the wtf, what did I just ask, and ask them, would you like all the gory details or the relaxing easy movie story. I don't really know what they see in my eyes with that look, but so far, it has been more than enough.
When ya try to hold up a child's cheek and it keeps falling back down on her neck and the blood won't stop, but the kid keeps looking like you can do something to make it all better, it's just one of those days where fginding a nice corner to sit and contemplate why the world is so fucked up really seems a lot better.
I was good at what I did, and always thought, I shouldn't be here doing this, but reality said, yes, you should. I have told a few,"Would you like to be the one looking into another Soldier's eyes as you try to cover and seal his sucking chest wound?" I took CLS training for years, thought it would be a pretty cool thing and it was good for promotion points. I never once thought I would be in the middle of a sandy shithole, initiating IV's better than the medics, doing triage for 13 people hit by a VBIED, or trying to save a Soldier's life from that same VBIED long enough for his crew to get him to the CASH(Clear the lane all the way to the CASH, we have Combat Wounded)
damn that whole scene is still a lot to process

The bottom line is civilians just do not get the BTDT stuff we have done, they still think their is glory and all that other bs in it, it is romantisized to their little lives and daily 9-5 in a cubicle. WE and many of YOU even more so, are the actors in the most live version of any war movie ever made, and like it or not, freakin chicks DIG the fact that we have been overseas. It gives us a large advantage over the office boy with the baggy shirt and sloppy tie in his loafers and khakis sucking up his 32oz Monster

 

[Kells81]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

I have had my hands in a few mas/cas events over here. Not mil at all and gotta say its something that has the sticking power of a fuckin fly trap.... I introduced myself in those situations. I cannot imagine what some of our boys have seen or been through that are much worse that have been thrown into those situations. I did CLS in the mil for a few years and even though uncle sugar didn't get his money's worth by training me. I can say there are a few peeps still roaming the earth today because I was around.

Are there inappropriate questions? Hell yes I have been here and about as far as I will ask a vet is how was the chow. Anything past that is off limits cause its a tough subject for most.

 

[worldhunter]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

I understand these questions make you uncomfortable. I sometimes squirm when asked these same questions, but come on. If you have been through soo much, can't you answer a simple question from a supporter? Just change the subject, and stop being dramatic.

 

[ace31]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: worldhunter</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I understand these questions make you uncomfortable. I sometimes squirm when asked these same questions, but come on. If you have been through soo much, can't you answer a simple question from a supporter? Just change the subject, and stop being dramatic. </div></div>

Dramatic? Hmmm...I'll leave it at that and let you figure out how you should feel about what you said but I dont think the gentlman that started this thread was exactly being dramatic and I appreciate/praise him for having the intestinal fortitude for bringing the subject up here on the Hide and choosing to discuss it. Or maybe he should have just internalized it like a real man along with all the other "dramatic" feelings he has had and taken it out on his wife, kids or blown up at the wrong time...since thats the correct manner of dealing with stressful issues as opposed to opening up and talking to friends, relatives, etc.

I believe the subject of this thread was geared more towards discussing things that dont pertain to certain people and also bringing up painful memories that may adversely effect someone's day.

As for the

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: decider</div><div class="ubbcode-body">those fags with PTSD and rainbow flags on their lunch boxes </div></div>

I dont know where and how to begin addressing that but I'll give it a shot. Lets first define trauma:
a body wound or shock produced by sudden physical injury, as from violence or accident. OR an experience that produces psychological injury or pain.

PTSD are the effects that certain events may have on a certain individuals. The effects and experiences vary from person to person as two individuals can "live through an event" and have two different experiences.

Decider, if you are an individual who has never felt any of those "fag like emotions" fear, guilt, stress then you may believe that you are more of a man than the original op that started this thread but realistically you are less of man in the sense that you are not capable of feeling anything at all due to the fact that you probably cant experience good feelings since you cant experience "fag" I mean bad feelings.

There is a time to be hard and there is a time to relieve pressure by processing one's thoughts and emotions. I dont know how it benefits us(or anyone) to make fun of or poke at someone in our society who is obviously disturbed with an ongoing issue (the ignorance of those who live in a dream world and either think that we troops are the cause(foreign diplomacy) of the current conflicts overseas or think that we, just like Rambo run around "gloriously" killing everyone and everything instinctively.) and chooses to combat it by adding some light to the matter.

Just my 0.02

I hope I didnt offend anyone.

 

[AtownBcat]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

These questions are simply a way for a person who does not have first hand knowledge of military/LE, to find a way to talk to or show support for someone who does. I might ask a LE officer if he has been in a situation where he had to "draw his weapon". Not exactly a have you double tapped anyone, but asking about his personal experiences.I would imagine that 80% of the time these questions are meant well and 20% you are talking to someone who has played to much COD.....

 

[ace31]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: AtownBcat</div><div class="ubbcode-body">These questions are simply a way for a person who does not have first hand knowledge of military/LE, to find a way to talk to or show support for someone who does. I might ask a LE officer if he has been in a situation where he had to "draw his weapon". Not exactly a have you double tapped anyone, but asking about his personal experiences.I would imagine that 80% of the time these questions are meant well and 20% you are talking to someone who has played to much COD..... </div></div>

Bcat i hear what your saying and if that is how the question is presented or asked its better than whay im used to. I would have a lote more respect if the question was presented in the format you discussed. I have never been asked the question in question in the manner you presented it.

I would say 95% of the time its either "how many people did you kill, have you ver killed anyone, etc."

 

[km71107]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

I would never ask anybody how many people they've killed or saw die. It's none of my business. My Dad's younger brother went to Viet Nam. I know he saw combat and he probably saw and had to do things I can't imagine going through. I've asked him a few basic questions about weapons, what the country was like, etc and left it alone.
It doesn't matter to me if you were a sniper, a cook, or work for the local SO or PD, thank you for your service and sacrifices.

 

[Greg Langelius *]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

Honestly, I seldom get personal questions in those areas. They don't bother me, but sometimes I decline to answer because I don't believe the folks who'd be getting the answer would be able to process the data accurately. I basically say, "I'm sorry but I'd rather not answer that."

It's a matter of 'too much information'. IMHO there's not a single thing anyone can use such info far that has a positive outcome. There's enogh negative vibe in the world without me bringing more into some stranger's day.

The questions don't bother me because I feel no guilt about any of my actions. I never had a problem being who I am, and doing the things that were appropriate to my appointed responsibilities. Some of them would be outside the pale for this time and place, but this is a different time and place now. It's my opinion thet what I did, whatever it was, was the right thing.

There's a lot of folks in this world who know all the answers, until they find themselves in another's shoes. I know it might sound funny coming from me, but I was not put on this planet to educate others. I leave a lot of questions for the next guy to answer, even if I may likely have the best answers.

Maybe I just don't want to be the agent of <span style="font-style: italic">that</span> change in another's dataset. Better someone else for that event.

Maybe I figure I've answered it myself enough times, maybe it's somebody else's turn to do that now.

Do I have all the answers? Most definitly not.

Do I have more answers than I give out? Probably.

What of it? I get to make that choice. I paid for that right, in a harder currency than a lot of folks have ever handled who are certain they have a right doing the asking. I don't think they all do.

Greg

 

[pdogsbeware]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

What Vet's really want to say to people.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0_qzlk5Bjs&feature=relmfu

Apparently I don't know how to embed videos, could someone help me please...

 

[SeanRT]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

I once had a woman ask where my unit was stationed how many babies we had killed in A-Stan and Iraq. I wasn't in an understanding mood (and neither were my budies), so we told her that we were stationed in China and the last time we checked we had about 30 confirmed baby kills. So many people in this country are just f---ing stupid.

 

[Nosmas]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

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[DP425]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Decider</div><div class="ubbcode-body">touchy feely stuff is left for those fags with PTSD and rainbow flags on their lunch boxes </div></div>

Statements like that lead one to question...

 

[DP425]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ace31</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
As for the

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: decider</div><div class="ubbcode-body">those fags with PTSD and rainbow flags on their lunch boxes </div></div>

I dont know where and how to begin addressing that but I'll give it a shot. Lets first define trauma:
a body wound or shock produced by sudden physical injury, as from violence or accident. OR an experience that produces psychological injury or pain.

PTSD are the effects that certain events may have on a certain individuals. The effects and experiences vary from person to person as two individuals can "live through an event" and have two different experiences.

Decider, if you are an individual who has never felt any of those "fag like emotions" fear, guilt, stress then you may believe that you are more of a man than the original op that started this thread but realistically you are less of man in the sense that you are not capable of feeling anything at all due to the fact that you probably cant experience good feelings since you cant experience "fag" I mean bad feelings.

There is a time to be hard and there is a time to relieve pressure by processing one's thoughts and emotions. I dont know how it benefits us(or anyone) to make fun of or poke at someone in our society who is obviously disturbed with an ongoing issue (the ignorance of those who live in a dream world and either think that we troops are the cause(foreign diplomacy) of the current conflicts overseas or think that we, just like Rambo run around "gloriously" killing everyone and everything instinctively.) and chooses to combat it by adding some light to the matter.

Just my 0.02

I hope I didnt offend anyone.

</div></div>

That attitude is mostly seen by a number of different types of people
1) those actually dealing with the issues they are mocking, trying desperately to handle it on their own and failing miserably, with great fear that admitting to these problems makes them less of a person.

2) Those who have never done anything remarkable in their career which may lead to PTSD- thus feeling less of a man/soldier/marine must lash out at the ones suffering the consequences of some of their own actions- doesn't matter if justified and right or not.

3) As you said, one totally and fully incapable of not only feeling emotions, but understanding the emotions of others- essentially a sociopath.

4) Lacks the mental capacity to understand the way the mind and body react, thus seeing it as something unknown and there for lashing out at it.


One thing is almost certain- he is most likely NOT Force Recon, Seal, Ranger, SF or Delta... THAT means he has done less with his career than a lot of the same people he mocks as being a fag for having PTSD. So the irony is, he's lumping everyone with PTSD into a category he refers to as "fags" (one can only assume he means less of a man than himself)... and yet a number of those "fags" are tougher, stronger, faster, smarter and "harder" than himself.

But hey, not everyone feels the need to think through their statements before making them...

 

[ace31]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DP425</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

But hey, not everyone feels the need to think through their statements before making them... </div></div>

+1

 

[PMain]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

I think part of the problem is that so few people have friends or family in the military, whereas in the pasty almost everyone knew someone who served.

 

[Tac22]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

Let me state this. I am not and never was in the military. My brother however has been in the Marine Corps since the 90's. I do not nor have I ever asked the question of if he has ever killed anyone. I have asked if there were any cool stories that he may have. (funny squad prank type stories). He has been in quite a few combat situations and I know that. He is alive, so my assumption is that he had to kill in order to stay that way. My feelings arewith the families of those who know soldiers thathave never come home. My brother was stationed in Falluja(SP?) Kilo company and when he left the squad that came in after lost 7 guys the week after he left. When i would visit my brother in paris island ( He was a DI) and we would go to the memorial I always saw a lot of emotion that I couldn't grasp and probably never will since i havent seen what he has seen or lost brothers in arms or seen it happen as he has. I always try not to bring it to mind...

 

[dtkutchu]

Re: Inappropriate Questions

As a regular citizen, I apologize to those of you who have had to endure the insensitive questions and comments. Note, my following statement is not an excuse for these people, but I think that most of the questions are asked because we really can't comprehend what you have had to endure. I have not served, nor have I really been in any serious confrontation, so to me and to many others, what you guys have had to deal with is extremely foreign. I think that the vast majority of the questions aren't intended to be harmful or cause distress, but they simply don't understand or think befor they ask. FWIW, I have a good friend that served in the USMC and I would never dream of asking him any type of personal question or anything of a questionable manner. He has told me a few things about his time serving, but I would never press anything or ask anything other than general, harmless questions. I guess I am one of the relatively few that apply thought before asking questions.