It Begins
Hello, everyone. Today I decided to update the firmware on my Kestrel 5700 and provide a progress report as it goes along. I stopped down at the drive in movie theatre to ask some of the old salts there what they would recommend to get this done and not have to do it twice.
I had heard it was a process...
Billy introduced me to his new wife and talked about how he just got back from duty on the maiden voyage of the USS Nautilus. He gave me a radioactive power unit stolen from a Soviet navigation buoy. Said I would need it if I had any chance of the firmware update completing. I was initially pissed off at the weight and size of the thing, but realized I had to get serious if I was going to get this done. Scratched the trunk on my brand new Studebaker pushing it in back.
Wired up radioactive power source to a Pez dispenser and shoved it into the battery compartment. Stowed power source in basement for now.
1%
I got drafted today to go to Vietnam. Damn. I was really looking forward to seeing this firmware update complete. I think that having my Kestrel would have been a great idea in the war zone, but its hardly gotten started. Thankfully, I won't have to replace the tires on my Studebaker this year as it looks like I'll be away.
Talked to a computer scientist about how long the update would take - he said it looked like it was transferring data at bits per minute. It's amazing. Alan Turing would shit his pants if he could see this.
7%
Got a letter from Ma. She said the Kestrel had made it all the way to 7%. I heard they were going to airlift me out of Saigon as the war wasn't going well. Pa died. Richard Nixon had done some strange thing and quit being president.
She sent me a polaroid of the screen.
8%
Left Vietnam today. Had to wait a year for a flight out - things are chaotic. I was going to have to ride with a bunch of Vietnamese orphans. I'm glad we are taking care of them, but the first airplane full of them crashed right in front of us on takeoff. I chewed a hole in my drawers until we made it past Japan.
9%
Got back from 'Nam. It was okay, but the deforestation agent they used tasted mighty strange. Like burning. Protestors called me a baby killer, but I'm not sure why . I missed all my shots because of bad ballistic data.
Arrived home to find the Kestrel ticking away. 9%!!! The radioactive power source puts out a lot of heat, and I find its just what I needed to keep my new house warm.
11%
Married high school sweatheart, Mary Lou Sutton. Informed her that I loved her, but don't touch the Kestrel. One false move and the Pez dispenser is going to come apart like a hand grenade. Caught her using the radio thermal generator to boil water instead of the stove and disciplined her with a switch from the tree out front.
22%
Saw the doctor today. He said I was the only guy from my unit to avoid getting cancer so far from the "Agent Orange." He asked what my secret was, but I have no clue. Still trying to figure out what we are going to do about the second penis I grew. It hurts badly unless I dip it in expensive Russian Vodka.
First child was born - because I think I used the second penis when we conceived, we named him Vladimir. I wasn't able to attend the birth because the journal I have been keeping indicates that the Kestrel will make it to 23% sometime this week and I can't afford to miss it.
45%
Visited Cape Kennedy today. Was watching a Space Shuttle launch when I decided to check the progress on the Kestrel. Its still chugging away.
A NASA scientist saw me pull it out of luggage, and said they had considered this model for the Space Program, but that theirs needed an update to run the navigation software for the Shuttle and it might be ready by the next go around. When I asked him if the update they were running had all the calculations for faster than light travel already built in, he blew his brains out.
61%
Wife left me today. Said I never paid her any attention. She didn't like my reply "DO YOU REALISE THAT THIS THING IS ALMOST DONE! I HAVE DEDICATED MY ENTIRE LIFE TO SEEING THIS FIRMWARE UPDATE COMPLETE, AND I WILL NOT FAIL NOW!"
Vladimir is doing well. Says he is going to rule Russia one day, and now that the Berlin Wall has fallen and the Soviet Union is toast he thinks he can succeed. He admitted that instead of going to college for the last 15 years he had been a KGB agent in Russia. Who knew?
I think I actually saw the progress bar move under my magnifying glass.
I rigged up a mirror system so I could watch the screen while driving - allowed me to stop taking anxiety meds altogether.
80%
IT's ALMOST DONE! HHAHAAHA. Crazy old crone of an ex wife broke into the nursing home and tried to unplug my radioactive power source. I broke her neck with my walker, and continued feigning Alzheimers when the orderlies came rushing in. They disposed of her like they do everyone else around here. I'm in the clear for now.
A science journal writer stopped by to talk to me about the Kestrel. Said that I was on the edge of a monumental achievement - the first person to ever see this process through. Called Guiness World Book of Records and Ripley's Believe it Or Not.
95%
David Thomas Putin - 1948-2021
David lived a long and full life, serving his country with distinction in Vietnam, and raising his child Vladimir. David starred as DoubleD-P in a series of pornographic films he wanted to be most known for. His patented Double Decker Putin move is still revered industry wide. He is survived by his son and a Kestrel 5700 that is stuck in the update process.
His dying wish was that he be buried at sea, on a defunct Russian navigation buoy, and that the Kestrel and its power source be repatriated to continue their journey.
Hello, everyone. Today I decided to update the firmware on my Kestrel 5700 and provide a progress report as it goes along. I stopped down at the drive in movie theatre to ask some of the old salts there what they would recommend to get this done and not have to do it twice.
I had heard it was a process...
Billy introduced me to his new wife and talked about how he just got back from duty on the maiden voyage of the USS Nautilus. He gave me a radioactive power unit stolen from a Soviet navigation buoy. Said I would need it if I had any chance of the firmware update completing. I was initially pissed off at the weight and size of the thing, but realized I had to get serious if I was going to get this done. Scratched the trunk on my brand new Studebaker pushing it in back.
Wired up radioactive power source to a Pez dispenser and shoved it into the battery compartment. Stowed power source in basement for now.
1%
I got drafted today to go to Vietnam. Damn. I was really looking forward to seeing this firmware update complete. I think that having my Kestrel would have been a great idea in the war zone, but its hardly gotten started. Thankfully, I won't have to replace the tires on my Studebaker this year as it looks like I'll be away.
Talked to a computer scientist about how long the update would take - he said it looked like it was transferring data at bits per minute. It's amazing. Alan Turing would shit his pants if he could see this.
7%
Got a letter from Ma. She said the Kestrel had made it all the way to 7%. I heard they were going to airlift me out of Saigon as the war wasn't going well. Pa died. Richard Nixon had done some strange thing and quit being president.
She sent me a polaroid of the screen.
8%
Left Vietnam today. Had to wait a year for a flight out - things are chaotic. I was going to have to ride with a bunch of Vietnamese orphans. I'm glad we are taking care of them, but the first airplane full of them crashed right in front of us on takeoff. I chewed a hole in my drawers until we made it past Japan.
9%
Got back from 'Nam. It was okay, but the deforestation agent they used tasted mighty strange. Like burning. Protestors called me a baby killer, but I'm not sure why . I missed all my shots because of bad ballistic data.
Arrived home to find the Kestrel ticking away. 9%!!! The radioactive power source puts out a lot of heat, and I find its just what I needed to keep my new house warm.
11%
Married high school sweatheart, Mary Lou Sutton. Informed her that I loved her, but don't touch the Kestrel. One false move and the Pez dispenser is going to come apart like a hand grenade. Caught her using the radio thermal generator to boil water instead of the stove and disciplined her with a switch from the tree out front.
22%
Saw the doctor today. He said I was the only guy from my unit to avoid getting cancer so far from the "Agent Orange." He asked what my secret was, but I have no clue. Still trying to figure out what we are going to do about the second penis I grew. It hurts badly unless I dip it in expensive Russian Vodka.
First child was born - because I think I used the second penis when we conceived, we named him Vladimir. I wasn't able to attend the birth because the journal I have been keeping indicates that the Kestrel will make it to 23% sometime this week and I can't afford to miss it.
45%
Visited Cape Kennedy today. Was watching a Space Shuttle launch when I decided to check the progress on the Kestrel. Its still chugging away.
A NASA scientist saw me pull it out of luggage, and said they had considered this model for the Space Program, but that theirs needed an update to run the navigation software for the Shuttle and it might be ready by the next go around. When I asked him if the update they were running had all the calculations for faster than light travel already built in, he blew his brains out.
61%
Wife left me today. Said I never paid her any attention. She didn't like my reply "DO YOU REALISE THAT THIS THING IS ALMOST DONE! I HAVE DEDICATED MY ENTIRE LIFE TO SEEING THIS FIRMWARE UPDATE COMPLETE, AND I WILL NOT FAIL NOW!"
Vladimir is doing well. Says he is going to rule Russia one day, and now that the Berlin Wall has fallen and the Soviet Union is toast he thinks he can succeed. He admitted that instead of going to college for the last 15 years he had been a KGB agent in Russia. Who knew?
I think I actually saw the progress bar move under my magnifying glass.
I rigged up a mirror system so I could watch the screen while driving - allowed me to stop taking anxiety meds altogether.
80%
IT's ALMOST DONE! HHAHAAHA. Crazy old crone of an ex wife broke into the nursing home and tried to unplug my radioactive power source. I broke her neck with my walker, and continued feigning Alzheimers when the orderlies came rushing in. They disposed of her like they do everyone else around here. I'm in the clear for now.
A science journal writer stopped by to talk to me about the Kestrel. Said that I was on the edge of a monumental achievement - the first person to ever see this process through. Called Guiness World Book of Records and Ripley's Believe it Or Not.
95%
David Thomas Putin - 1948-2021
David lived a long and full life, serving his country with distinction in Vietnam, and raising his child Vladimir. David starred as DoubleD-P in a series of pornographic films he wanted to be most known for. His patented Double Decker Putin move is still revered industry wide. He is survived by his son and a Kestrel 5700 that is stuck in the update process.
His dying wish was that he be buried at sea, on a defunct Russian navigation buoy, and that the Kestrel and its power source be repatriated to continue their journey.
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