Maggie’s Sweet Tea

cavscout1983

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Minuteman
Apr 1, 2007
224
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Tulsa, OK
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have the perfect medicine for that" he said. "When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and sure enough he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your damn mouth shut helps?"
 

salter70

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Minuteman
Apr 12, 2010
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51
Alabama
Re: Sweet Tea

Now thats funny, but my wife didnt think it was so funny when I told it to her. What made it even worse was when I told her she might need to go get some sweet tea.
 

cavscout1983

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Minuteman
Apr 1, 2007
224
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Tulsa, OK
Re: Sweet Tea

you don't get it, you make it man!

33 acres of sugarcane per pitcher. It should quench the thirst and build diabetes fighting abilities in your system like inoculation. Must be drank after a long day of doing manual labor, accompanied with some form of greens that is heavily boiled in pork fat and water, fried chicken (or fish), cornbread that could sap the Mississippi, and macaroni and cheese. You follow this with a homemade cake or pie. You then pull a big old pinch of Redman and wait impatiently on the porch for the oscillating fan to make it to you for that brief respite from the Southern humidity. You won't say much, and what you say should not be gossip. Leave that to the women. You should not point out but instead revel in obvious statements like "these moskeeters seem worse this year" and reply with "I reckon" or "yep". Everything should always be worse than the year before. You are working and living in horrible times only expected to get worse. This way you can look back fondly on your life because it was always better than now. Hope for the past and live in it. Any statements or recollections about past events however must somehow be correlated with tragedy. When you bought the car is always related to the dog that died that year when lightning hit the tree out back and the big branch fell on him, or the year that uncle so and so had a heart attack(suspected reason is he had gone into business and gotten soft).

When you die from old age despite a horrible diet, excessive bodily stress from work, and no shyness to tobacco- it is imperative that your funeral be held in the church you stopped going to 15 years ago because "that new kid pastor is a damned smartass liberal" and the pastor should say great things about you despite the only time you met him, you came as close as you ever have to cursing in church when you said you would not be back.

When your family cleans out your house or nursing home room, they should remember fondly the better times. Because right now, Momma and Daddy are dead, and they're next. They'll enjoy some sweet tea as they pontificate on this, and later, spit gobs of Redman juice as someone says " I bet daddy would have been mad as hell to know that preacher did the service" and someone will say "I reckon". And you're still waiting on that dang oscillating fan.