The Official Unofficial Annual Horrible Christmas Gift Thread. Now with prizes and unwanted insights into your life.

[TheGerman]

I see @Bender already stepped up in my absence. However that thread just seems to lack everything from horrible stories to people making fun of their plight and horrible life decisions that got them to that point; because let's all be honest, Christmas is the litmus test for just how poorly you've chosen literally everything up until this point.

There is a physical prize I will mail you for worst gift.

A few rules:

- Gift cannot be some dumb bullshit like 'I got nothing' or 'I got chlamydia'; unless it's from another dude because then it's just hilarious

- I have to not hate you.

- Visual aides are both appropriate and desired

- We need the full story so don't just give us a 3 word sentence about socks

- Bonus points if someone went to jail (3x points if it's you)

- Bonus points for partially naked wife/Gf pics.

So far Bender is in the lead because it isn't nice to give someone a fake AR that was made out of the metal from a bunch of kosher sardine cans.

Gogogogigogogogogo

 

[rtB]

I got nothing - except socks.

 

[Slash0311]

I got one pair of these. But I also got a running vest a gift card for new running shoes for my newest idiotic hobby of ultra marathons.

Im signed up for a 50k in March if anyone is bored enough to join.

ETA: guess this will be one way to find out if The German hates me. Wonder if I could bribe him with homemade Kuchen?

 

[_Windrider_]

My dad got me a macys gift card. What the fuck am I going to buy at macys?

 

[Blue Sky Country]

My dad got me a macys gift card. What the fuck am I going to buy at macys?

Pantyhose for scope glare elimination to evade UN sniper detection cameras when they invade and we go Mel Gibson on them.

ETA: Wonder what the globalist Schwab Inc. soldiers are gonna carry as their field rations. Cricket and roach MREs? Damn, the post skirmish dead enemy carcass raiding is gonna yield a disappointing haul...

 

[37L1]

My dad got me a macys gift card. What the fuck am I going to buy at macys?

Parfume to make you smell gooder.

 

[Bevo]

Why get terrible binoculars or a shitty camera when you can have both!

 

[TheGerman]

View attachment 8031430
I got one pair of these. But I also got a running vest a gift card for new running shoes for my newest idiotic hobby of ultra marathons.

Im signed up for a 50k in March if anyone is bored enough to join.

ETA: guess this will be one way to find out if The German hates me. Wonder if I could bribe him with homemade Kuchen?

Wait so you got something useful for your hobby?

 

[TheGerman]

Why get terrible binoculars or a shitty camera when you can have both!

View attachment 8031472

Lol wtf is this?

Does it have a green laser as well?

 

[Slash0311]

Wait so you got something useful for your hobby?

Yes, but still socks...

 

[RFutch]

My sister got my Dad a little statue of Joe Biden taking a shit.

I got him a pint size game changer.

I won.

 

[Familydude]

From my FIL.

Got the same thing a couple years ago as a gag gift along with a couple other cool things. This year, no cool things and it’s no longer funny.

 

[zeroz]

Actually have one "worth" entering this year. Supposed to be a Sun Catcher, whatever the fuck that is. Its also the biggest piece of shit with the worst construction and attention to "detail". The holes are all blown out, the wood is terrible and the varnish job looks like it was done by a three year old. I was literally making nicer wood gifts in my granddads shop for people when I was 6. If I wanted a sun catcher it sure as fuck wouldn't be this thing which is slated for the dumpster. It can catch some sun at the dump I guess. Even the dog that got ahold of it gave up on chewing the corners pretty quick because it sucks so bad its not even good enough for a dog chew toy. I laughed that it got chewed before leaving the house. Its not surprising given who it came from, not sure why the fuckwit got us anything at all, but......

 

[TheGerman]

Actually have one "worth" entering this year. Supposed to be a Sun Catcher, whatever the fuck that is. Its also the biggest piece of shit with the worst construction and attention to "detail". The holes are all blown out, the wood is terrible and the varnish job looks like it was done by a three year old. I was literally making nicer wood gifts in my granddads shop for people when I was 6. If I wanted a sun catcher it sure as fuck wouldn't be this thing which is slated for the dumpster. It can catch some sun at the dump I guess. Even the dog that got ahold of it gave up on chewing the corners pretty quick because it sucks so bad its not even good enough for a dog chew toy. I laughed that it got chewed before leaving the house. Its not surprising given who it came from, not sure why the fuckwit got us anything at all, but......

Lol this is right up there with the weird wood thing that was going to be burned on someone's porch last year.

Who gave this to you? It's like they shot the marbles at the plank with a slingshot.

Did they tell you they were about to open an etsy store?

 

[MrSmith]

My wife got me some chocolates, a barn coat and three of those cutsie Amethyst geode pieces.. I got her a pallet jack.

Thank you,
MrSmith

 

[zeroz]

BIL gave it as his families gift to his sister and me. He has a wife and kids, which we gave gifts to each individually and we got that as a couple. His pride and joy of craftsmanship. He went on and on about the work involved. About how it should hang in front of a window in the house, like actually be displayed in our house blocking part of the view. LO-fuckingL. It was all I could do to say that I could do a better job in literally 10 minutes, assuming I wanted to make something so fucking stupid. Then the dog chewed up the corner when I threw it on the ground. LOLOLOLOLOL.

 

[sirhrmechanic]

I bought myself an L-shaped sofa.

Motherfuckers didn’t specify that it was a lower-case l.

Sirhr

 

[TheHorta]

I got chlamydia from a dude while in jail.

Whadid I win?

 

[Mike Casselton]

Actually have one "worth" entering this year. Supposed to be a Sun Catcher, whatever the fuck that is. Its also the biggest piece of shit with the worst construction and attention to "detail". The holes are all blown out, the wood is terrible and the varnish job looks like it was done by a three year old. I was literally making nicer wood gifts in my granddads shop for people when I was 6. If I wanted a sun catcher it sure as fuck wouldn't be this thing which is slated for the dumpster. It can catch some sun at the dump I guess. Even the dog that got ahold of it gave up on chewing the corners pretty quick because it sucks so bad its not even good enough for a dog chew toy. I laughed that it got chewed before leaving the house. Its not surprising given who it came from, not sure why the fuckwit got us anything at all, but......

Is it really fair to compare your abilities as a six year old against the abilities of a 3yr old Chinese kid?
I'm gonna turn you in to the hate crimes division of the Chinese labor Police.

 

[Animal357]

Is it really fair to compare your abilities as a six year old against the abilities of a 3yr old Chinese kid?

It's not a fair comparison. The 3-year old Chinese kid works 10 hours a day doing it and so he is much more practiced.

 

[davsco]

It's not a fair comparison. The 3-year old works 10 hours a day doing it and so he is much more practiced.

that's funny. you mean 10, on his first shift...

 

[Dead Eye Dick]

Now this goes back a year of two. Actually 54 years ago. I asked for an old, beater double barrel shot gun that I could refinish and put on the wall. (Wall decoration only). This is what I got and still have and still have not shot. A Beaumont Vittali.

After first receiving it, i thought I might actually shoot it. Not knowing the round used, I went to the fellow who sold it to my mother. He insisted it was a a.43 Mauser and got a bit upity about my asking. I must say I was really starting to get a bit put out.

Well guess what. The horses behind did not have a clue and it was not chambered in a Mauser round. I found out later in life that It used one of two possible rounds, the 11.3x50Ram Beaumont M71 or the 11x53Rmm Netherlands Beaumont M71/78.

I have a set of dies for one but not the other. Still would need a mold, brass, black powder and gonna hope the primers i have in stock would do

 

[theLBC]

My dad got me a macys gift card. What the fuck am I going to buy at macys?

socks?

 

[vinniedelpino]

My wife got me some chocolates, a barn coat and three of those cutsie Amethyst geode pieces.. I got her a pallet jack.

Thank you,
MrSmith

Wait... you got your wife a pallet jack for Christmas?

I have so many questions.....

 

[JLP83]

My dad got me a macys gift card. What the fuck am I going to buy at macys?

I don't want to assume what your childhood was like but it had to be pretty fucked up right?

 

[Dead Eye Dick]

Wait... you got your wife a pallet jack for Christmas?

I have so many questions.....

I have spent many an hour in the summer heat, in the back of a loaded aluminum semi trailer manning one. Not on my list of favorite toys for sure.

 

[zeroz]

Is it really fair to compare your abilities as a six year old against the abilities of a 3yr old Chinese kid?
I'm gonna turn you in to the hate crimes division of the Chinese labor Police.

While the BIL may have the skills of a 3 yo Chinese kid, he certainly can act much less mature. Also, a 3 yo Chinese kid has probably done more real work by 3 the the BIL has in 35 years.

 

[Jscb1b]

I got chlamydia from a dude while in jail.

Whadid I win?

A round of antibiotics and a sore ass.

 

[MrSmith]

I have spent many an hour in the summer heat, in the back of a loaded aluminum semi trailer manning one. Not on my list of favorite toys for sure.

I .. uhh .. did put a nice bow on it .......

Romance is not dead!

Thank you,
MrSmith

 

[BuildingConceptsllc]

Actually have one "worth" entering this year. Supposed to be a Sun Catcher, whatever the fuck that is. Its also the biggest piece of shit with the worst construction and attention to "detail". The holes are all blown out, the wood is terrible and the varnish job looks like it was done by a three year old. I was literally making nicer wood gifts in my granddads shop for people when I was 6. If I wanted a sun catcher it sure as fuck wouldn't be this thing which is slated for the dumpster. It can catch some sun at the dump I guess. Even the dog that got ahold of it gave up on chewing the corners pretty quick because it sucks so bad its not even good enough for a dog chew toy. I laughed that it got chewed before leaving the house. Its not surprising given who it came from, not sure why the fuckwit got us anything at all, but......

Gonna be a tough one to beat right here. It's hard to believe that anyone over 4 years old would give that to someone... I can't remember exactly what that thing was last year but I'm sure it was set on fire...

I got some socks but I like the socks and needed more. We need more legit entries but this "sun catcher" is going to be hard to beat.

 

[Doc68]

Lol wtf is this?

Does it have a green laser as well?

What's your email. I'd like to come to one of your classes.

Doc

 

[Doc68]

A round of antibiotics and a sore ass.

A gram of azithromycin and rocephin.....


Doc

 

[JbBooks]

Gonna be a tough one to beat right here. It's hard to believe that anyone over 4 years old would give that to someone... I can't remember exactly what that thing was last year but I'm sure it was set on fire...

I got some socks but I like the socks and needed more. We need more legit entries but this "sun catcher" is going to be hard to beat.

I believe it was @Lawless pinecone tree that won last year.

 

[MK20]

Now this goes back a year of two. Actually 54 years ago. I asked for an old, beater double barrel shot gun that I could refinish and put on the wall. (Wall decoration only). This is what I got and still have and still have not shot. A Beaumont Vittali.

After first receiving it, i thought I might actually shoot it. Not knowing the round used, I went to the fellow who sold it to my mother. He insisted it was a a.43 Mauser and got a bit upity about my asking. I must say I was really starting to get a bit put out.

Well guess what. The horses behind did not have a clue and it was not chambered in a Mauser round. I found out later in life that It used one of two possible rounds, the 11.3x50Ram Beaumont M71 or the 11x53Rmm Netherlands Beaumont M71/78.

I have a set of dies for one but not the other. Still would need a mold, brass, black powder and gonna hope the primers i have in stock would do

View attachment 8031764

If you actually want to shoot it, PM me. My work has all the stuff for those.

 

[BigTex]

I got some fine textiles from the far east. They make a great addition to anyone's oversized "people of walmart" uniform.

Would you just look at the craftsmanship.

 

[Baron23]

I'm from a Jewish family. I got Moo Goo Gia Pan and a movie on Netflix. I got screwed...I wanted Santa to bring me Peking Duck and all I got was the fucking mushroom and chicken. Sigh

 

[NH4X]

I got chlamydia from a dude while in jail.

Whadid I win?

A song just fer you

 

[TheGerman]

What happened, is everyone still drunk?

 

[jetcycles]

What happened, is everyone still drunk?

I'm just waiting to get home so I can take actual pictures of the socks and underwear...really just hoping the titty pics help me pull off a win, lord knows I can't get one at a match!

 

[mi650]

From my daughter-in-laws brother: a pineapple.

A. Fucking. Pineapple.


ETA: IDK if that's the worst, but gotta be the weirdest.

 

[clcustom1911]

What happened, is everyone still drunk?

Nobody could buy anything because of the uh-mazing economic recovery Brandon says our country is having.

 

[37L1]

Deck of Christmas Dad Jokes cards and a gift card to Waffle House.

Maybe if I read the cards at Waffle House I'll get an invitation to throw down at the dumpster.

 

[Badjujuu]

$50 gift card to AMC theater from my BIL/SIL

I hate going to the movie theaters. They know it too. I think they either re-gifted it or they wanted to specifically piss me off....or both.

 

[CMP70306]

My uncle’s adult sons got him . . . the gift of a guys weekend get away up in the mountains where they will drink and hang out together for a couple days.

Which sounds like fun except for the fact that my uncle co-owns the house, has already spent a half dozen guys weekends with us up there during hunting season and he would most likely have to pay to drive himself up there.

It gets even worse when you realize that he wanted them to come up with everybody during hunting season but they couldn’t be bothered and instead they are going to grace the cabin with their presence during some random weekend in the winter. And these are grown men with jobs and families.

It would have been less insulting to just say they forgot to get him something.

 

[D1gger]

you do know what he pineapple means, right? Maybe he REALLY likes you

From my daughter-in-laws brother: a pineapple.

A. Fucking. Pineapple.


ETA: IDK if that's the worst, but gotta be the weirdest.

 

[davsco]

My uncle’s adult sons got him . . .

for your present you can come to a place you already own, yep that's pretty bad. maybe the bonus is doing fixup work or chopping firewood for a week...

 

[zeroz]

Pineapple is bad but at least useful and delicious. Socks are useful too. Especially ones that say fuck it.

 

[Jscb1b]

I wrench on tractors and stuff 6 days a week 8 to 14 hours a day. My tools cost a fuckin shit ton. I got this:

 

[zeroz]

When you lose your 10mm at least you have that to fall back on, LOL.

 

[mi650]

you do know what he pineapple means, right? Maybe he REALLY likes you

I do, and when I was in the Army being a fag was illegal. It should have stayed that way.

Pineapples are reserved for my wife.