I need some new ammo so lets hear them.
Maggie’s Your Best Joke
- Thread starter CWSShooter
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Guest
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Re: Your Best Joke
A baby seal walks into a club.
A baby seal walks into a club.
Re: Your Best Joke
How do you get a clown to stop laughing?
Hit him in the head with an ax.
How do you get a clown to stop laughing?
Hit him in the head with an ax.
Re: Your Best Joke
Q: whats the definition of gross?
A: a live baby in a pile of dead ones eating its way out.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years, the job still sucks....
Sex is like a card game - if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand!
Q: whats the definition of gross?
A: a live baby in a pile of dead ones eating its way out.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years, the job still sucks....
Sex is like a card game - if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand!
Re: Your Best Joke
A guy walks into a bar, saddles up and tells the barkeep, "5 shots of Tequila."
The barkeep responds, "Damn, man. Everything OK?"
The guy says, "My son just called me from college to tell me he was gay."
The barkeep says, "Wow. Sorry pal."
The guy pounds the shots and stumbles out.
The next day the same guy walks into the bar, saddles up and tells the barkeep, "10 shots of Tequila."
The barkeep responds, "Damn, man. What's up now?"
The guy says, "My other son called me from California to tell me he was gay."
The barkeep says, "Jesus, bud. Sorry to hear."
The guy pounds the shots and slithers out.
The next day the same guy walks into the bar, saddles up and tells the barkeep, "Barkeep, gimme the fucking bottle."
The barkeep responds, "Look, pal. I don't know you from Adam, and this is only your third time in here. But doesn't anyone in your family like women???"
The guy says, "Yeah. My daughter and my wife."
A guy walks into a bar, saddles up and tells the barkeep, "5 shots of Tequila."
The barkeep responds, "Damn, man. Everything OK?"
The guy says, "My son just called me from college to tell me he was gay."
The barkeep says, "Wow. Sorry pal."
The guy pounds the shots and stumbles out.
The next day the same guy walks into the bar, saddles up and tells the barkeep, "10 shots of Tequila."
The barkeep responds, "Damn, man. What's up now?"
The guy says, "My other son called me from California to tell me he was gay."
The barkeep says, "Jesus, bud. Sorry to hear."
The guy pounds the shots and slithers out.
The next day the same guy walks into the bar, saddles up and tells the barkeep, "Barkeep, gimme the fucking bottle."
The barkeep responds, "Look, pal. I don't know you from Adam, and this is only your third time in here. But doesn't anyone in your family like women???"
The guy says, "Yeah. My daughter and my wife."
Re: Your Best Joke
A black guy walks into a bar with a gorilla. The bartender says to him "HEY, ASSHOLE. You can't bring wild animals in here!" The black guy apologizes and leaves.
He heads home and decides he's going to fuck with the bartender. He completely shaves the gorilla leaving only a moustache, puts make-up, a wig, a tight slinky dress, and heels on it, and returns to the bar.
He walks in with the gorilla, the bartender sees this, looks over at a coworker and says, "How come every time a hot Italian chick comes in, she's always with a black guy???"
A black guy walks into a bar with a gorilla. The bartender says to him "HEY, ASSHOLE. You can't bring wild animals in here!" The black guy apologizes and leaves.
He heads home and decides he's going to fuck with the bartender. He completely shaves the gorilla leaving only a moustache, puts make-up, a wig, a tight slinky dress, and heels on it, and returns to the bar.
He walks in with the gorilla, the bartender sees this, looks over at a coworker and says, "How come every time a hot Italian chick comes in, she's always with a black guy???"
Re: Your Best Joke
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."
Re: Your Best Joke
Or...
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87,wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks,"What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well,I guess I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Howard smiled happily and replied,"Parkinson's!"
Or...
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87,wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks,"What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well,I guess I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Howard smiled happily and replied,"Parkinson's!"
Re: Your Best Joke
Not my best, but of course only one I can think of right now.
A young couple is being seated a very nice resturant for dinner. There is an elderly couple sitting across from them. They see this couple holding hands and kissing, when the elderly man says, "Do you remember", they elderly lady says, "Yes". The husband responds, "Do you want to?", the wife says, "but that was thirty 40 years ago". The elderly couple gets up and exits the resturant. The younger guy thinks I have to see what these two are up to. He waits a couple minutes and exits the resturant. He goes in the back parking lot and see's this elderly lady, dress pulled up around her waist, seated on a ledge with her hands obove her head and holding onto a fence. The elderly husband is just working her out, she is screaming, jumping around in what seems to be some pretty wild sex.
The younger goes back inside and tells his wife what he has just witnessed. The elderly couple comes back in and sits back at their table. The young guy, taken back by what he has just witnessed, walks up to them and tells them what he saw and asks what they do to keep their sex life so wild. The elderly lady looks at him and says, "40 years ago that fence was not electric"
Not my best, but of course only one I can think of right now.
A young couple is being seated a very nice resturant for dinner. There is an elderly couple sitting across from them. They see this couple holding hands and kissing, when the elderly man says, "Do you remember", they elderly lady says, "Yes". The husband responds, "Do you want to?", the wife says, "but that was thirty 40 years ago". The elderly couple gets up and exits the resturant. The younger guy thinks I have to see what these two are up to. He waits a couple minutes and exits the resturant. He goes in the back parking lot and see's this elderly lady, dress pulled up around her waist, seated on a ledge with her hands obove her head and holding onto a fence. The elderly husband is just working her out, she is screaming, jumping around in what seems to be some pretty wild sex.
The younger goes back inside and tells his wife what he has just witnessed. The elderly couple comes back in and sits back at their table. The young guy, taken back by what he has just witnessed, walks up to them and tells them what he saw and asks what they do to keep their sex life so wild. The elderly lady looks at him and says, "40 years ago that fence was not electric"
G
Guest
Guest
Re: Your Best Joke
One of my all-time favorites, but it's a long one.
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One of my all-time favorites, but it's a long one.
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Re: Your Best Joke
this one brought tears to my eyes from laughter:
TEXAS CHILI COOK OFF
Grab a tissue, this is hilarious. Notes From An Inexperienced Chili
Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards
from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me
more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. witch is starting
to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
Sulfuric flames. I shit my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that tramp Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor Yankee, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
this one brought tears to my eyes from laughter:
TEXAS CHILI COOK OFF
Grab a tissue, this is hilarious. Notes From An Inexperienced Chili
Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards
from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me
more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. witch is starting
to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
Sulfuric flames. I shit my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that tramp Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor Yankee, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Re: Your Best Joke
A newly wed man has been getting a lot of ribbing from the boys at work for not hanging out lately..
So he stops and has a few drinks after work..
He looks at his watch and it’s midnight…
In a panic, he heads home and tries desperately to figure a way out of his wife being furious..
He decides if he can sneak upstairs quietly enough, that he can slide under the covers and give her some oral attention, and all will be forgiven.
He sneaks upstairs, and deftly slides under the covers and goes “downtown”
He feels her shake and cum, so he slips out to the bathroom to wash up.
He opens the bathroom door and kick’s the light on…
To his amazement his wife is standing there, he yells “What the fuck?!”
His wife says “SHHHHHHHH, you’ll wake my mom up!”
A newly wed man has been getting a lot of ribbing from the boys at work for not hanging out lately..
So he stops and has a few drinks after work..
He looks at his watch and it’s midnight…
In a panic, he heads home and tries desperately to figure a way out of his wife being furious..
He decides if he can sneak upstairs quietly enough, that he can slide under the covers and give her some oral attention, and all will be forgiven.
He sneaks upstairs, and deftly slides under the covers and goes “downtown”
He feels her shake and cum, so he slips out to the bathroom to wash up.
He opens the bathroom door and kick’s the light on…
To his amazement his wife is standing there, he yells “What the fuck?!”
His wife says “SHHHHHHHH, you’ll wake my mom up!”
Re: Your Best Joke
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
(Snake Model)
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
(Snake Model)
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.
Re: Your Best Joke
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese….
yuk-yuk
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese….
yuk-yuk
Re: Your Best Joke
A raunchy one for all you Texans
Q How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A You pick him up and suck him off.
A raunchy one for all you Texans
Q How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A You pick him up and suck him off.
Re: Your Best Joke
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?
~
Fro
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?
~
Fro
Re: Your Best Joke
What do call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders
What do call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders
Re: Your Best Joke
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friends replies, "A carnation??"
"No. No. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friends replies, "A carnation??"
"No. No. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Re: Your Best Joke
An American tourist is touring Scotland and stops into a local pub. It's a pleasant kind of place and he enjoys talking to the pub keeper. He also notices an old sad looking Scot sitting at the end of the bar. (It's during the day and in midweek so no one else is around) He moves down and offers to buy the old man a drink. The old Scot perks up and they get talking. Finally, the tourist asks why he seems so sad.
The old Scot (after another single malt Scotch) says: " Young mon, look out that window. Do ye see that long pier for the fishing boats? Well, I built it! Do they call me Angus the harbor builder?"
Angus goes on: " Do ye see that town hall? Well, I built it! Do they call me Angus the town hall builder?"
"But just once I screw a sheep and what do they call me?"
An American tourist is touring Scotland and stops into a local pub. It's a pleasant kind of place and he enjoys talking to the pub keeper. He also notices an old sad looking Scot sitting at the end of the bar. (It's during the day and in midweek so no one else is around) He moves down and offers to buy the old man a drink. The old Scot perks up and they get talking. Finally, the tourist asks why he seems so sad.
The old Scot (after another single malt Scotch) says: " Young mon, look out that window. Do ye see that long pier for the fishing boats? Well, I built it! Do they call me Angus the harbor builder?"
Angus goes on: " Do ye see that town hall? Well, I built it! Do they call me Angus the town hall builder?"
"But just once I screw a sheep and what do they call me?"
Re: Your Best Joke
Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
Re: Your Best Joke
My divorce was final Monday afternoon.
A friend was getting married Wensday and suggested that I come by the reception so he could introduce me to a friend of his bride.
His description interested me. Cortney Cox with a little meat on her bones.
As usual I got there about an hour late and came through the door just as my friend and his bride were about to leave.
Well, my buddy took the time to introduce me to an extreemly attractive woman who actually looke like Cortney Cox on her best day.
Needless to say she had my undivided attention.
After chatting her up for about an hour she mentioned that she was a little tired and wondered of I would drive her home.
Being the considerate person that I am I told her that I would be honored to take her home.
I walked around the table to help her out of her chair only to discover that her "chair" had wheels.
Well, we all have friends with a warped sense of humor and I really liked the gal so I wheeled her to my El Camino, helped her into the front seat and stored the wheel chair in the back.
She gave me dirrections out of town and out to a side road. Then we turned off the side road to an ungraveled road. You know the type. Two tracks with grass in the middle.
Down the road a ways she suggested we pull off into an orchard where we could "talk".
As usual, one thing led to another and we were getting it on pretty heavy when it became obvious that the cramped quarters and her disability wouldn't work well for what we wanted to do and she suggested that we move to the hood of the El Camino.
This was working out pretty well but she had another idea. I could carry her to one of the apple trees and she would hang from the tree and we would do it Tarzan style.
Being the gentleman that I am we ended up doing things her way.
Things were going well when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of an old man in bib overalls and a double barreled shotgun.
I carried her back to the car and turned to face the father.
He looked me up one side and down the other before saying, "Son, I think I'm goin' ta let ya go."
Delighted at not getting shot, but still curious I asked, "Why are you letting me go?"
"Well" he said."The last three guys left her hanging there."
My divorce was final Monday afternoon.
A friend was getting married Wensday and suggested that I come by the reception so he could introduce me to a friend of his bride.
His description interested me. Cortney Cox with a little meat on her bones.
As usual I got there about an hour late and came through the door just as my friend and his bride were about to leave.
Well, my buddy took the time to introduce me to an extreemly attractive woman who actually looke like Cortney Cox on her best day.
Needless to say she had my undivided attention.
After chatting her up for about an hour she mentioned that she was a little tired and wondered of I would drive her home.
Being the considerate person that I am I told her that I would be honored to take her home.
I walked around the table to help her out of her chair only to discover that her "chair" had wheels.
Well, we all have friends with a warped sense of humor and I really liked the gal so I wheeled her to my El Camino, helped her into the front seat and stored the wheel chair in the back.
She gave me dirrections out of town and out to a side road. Then we turned off the side road to an ungraveled road. You know the type. Two tracks with grass in the middle.
Down the road a ways she suggested we pull off into an orchard where we could "talk".
As usual, one thing led to another and we were getting it on pretty heavy when it became obvious that the cramped quarters and her disability wouldn't work well for what we wanted to do and she suggested that we move to the hood of the El Camino.
This was working out pretty well but she had another idea. I could carry her to one of the apple trees and she would hang from the tree and we would do it Tarzan style.
Being the gentleman that I am we ended up doing things her way.
Things were going well when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of an old man in bib overalls and a double barreled shotgun.
I carried her back to the car and turned to face the father.
He looked me up one side and down the other before saying, "Son, I think I'm goin' ta let ya go."
Delighted at not getting shot, but still curious I asked, "Why are you letting me go?"
"Well" he said."The last three guys left her hanging there."
Re: Your Best Joke
A woman whose husband is always playing golf decides <span style="font-style: italic">'if you cannot not beat them join them'</span> so she books a lesson with the club pro.
One on the first hole he's showing her how to hold the club, stance etc. Well, she chops and slices all the way down the fairway, 20+ shots to the pin.
Up on the second hole the pro says <span style="font-style: italic">'you're just not holding the club right, I know, pretent it's you old mans dick'</span>
So off she goes, <span style="font-weight: bold">thwap</span> - 275 yard drive, 65 yard chip and finishes with a 20 yard put, 2 under par.
The pro says <span style="font-style: italic">'brilliant, now lets try it without the club in your mouth!'</span>
A woman whose husband is always playing golf decides <span style="font-style: italic">'if you cannot not beat them join them'</span> so she books a lesson with the club pro.
One on the first hole he's showing her how to hold the club, stance etc. Well, she chops and slices all the way down the fairway, 20+ shots to the pin.
Up on the second hole the pro says <span style="font-style: italic">'you're just not holding the club right, I know, pretent it's you old mans dick'</span>
So off she goes, <span style="font-weight: bold">thwap</span> - 275 yard drive, 65 yard chip and finishes with a 20 yard put, 2 under par.
The pro says <span style="font-style: italic">'brilliant, now lets try it without the club in your mouth!'</span>
Re: Your Best Joke
What do a blond and a turtle have in common? When they're on their backs their both fucked.
What do a blond and a turtle have in common? When they're on their backs their both fucked.
