AP Dec 4, 2023 Ilion, NY
Disney CEO Bob Iger Announces Acquisition of former Remington Plant
Ilion, NY. In an early-morning press conference, Disney CEO Bob Iger announced that Disney has acquired the former Remington Plant in Ilion, NY. The company says they plan to convert the manufacturing facility to produce a new line of gay childrens toys and open a regional theme park called "GroomerWorld" that will cater to New York City Parents looking for adventure tourism for their children.
"We can't think of a better 'win win'," said Iger. "Our ability to use our valueless shares to acquire gun-making facilities and turn them into factories for dildos, prosthetics, sex tapes and other paraphenilia aimed at helping our nation's youth transition to mental illness and chattel for Democrat Party Pedophiles represents a massive potential opportunity for our company."
The plant will be entirely staffed by migrant workers being recruited from New York City Hotels and shelters where they have been housed awaiting the Disney announcement. The theme park will be run by Hospitality Director Dylan Mulvaney who is already promising free Bud Light for all attendees.
Ms. Phillipa Astor (nee Philip) plans to be one of the first parents to take He/His/Hers/She children to the park. "I know the opening is still months away, but I have already booked a suite for my partner and our three tweens. I am so excited to find out that the rooms come with trapeze swings and on-call drag-queens for in-room entertainment. Plus every TV will have access to Spartacus and the new updated Disney Treasure Island... if you know what I mean!"
Ilion residents declined to be interviewed for the story. Rumors that Disney 'lawyers' wearing full SWAT gear and carrying gas-operated assault rifles are patrolling the streets to help residents feel at home with the changes to their community.
Disney has been operating under a multi-billion dollar loss for the past several years but its board is confident that by doubling down on child grooming and pedophelia, they can turn the company into a profit center again by late 2025.
Real? You be the judge.