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Maggie’s Funny & awesome pics, vids and memes thread (work safe, no nudity)

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That movie reminded me of my boyhood and baseball games in the park. I have posted this story before but like an old uncle that repeats boyhood sagas over and over, I will retell it here.

I had crush on a girl when I was 13. She was a beautiful, heavenly, radiant creature with chestnut brown hair that was prettier than the sun shining off a rifle barrel in the morning. She had more curves than I could put on a baseball at the time.

She was an older woman at 17. She never cast a glance at me despite my petitions to the Almighty. Except that I had a chance when she joined us for a softball game at the city park!

She was on the opposite team and I was pitching. She got up to bat and all I could think of was how I could win her affections. Striking her out was not the way to do it. So I did everything to help her get a hit. I was hoping she could knock it out of the park but she really did swing that bat like a girl.

I was doing my very best to pitch them slow enough so she could get a hit. The count got to three and two. I put a slow one across the plate and never saw it coming back at me. I felt the pain in my chest and was on my back before the sound of the crack of the bat got to my ears.

It knocked the wind out of me and the lights went out briefly. When I opened my eyes, the love of my life with the chestnut hair and soft curves was holding me in her arms. She kept apologizing and begging me not to die!

Her hair fell across my face and the last time I ever got close to a woman's breast before that was when my mother was nursing me. That was enough to revive me and put the air back in my lungs despite the pain in my chest.

She kept saying, "Please don't die on me." and "I'm so sorry." My gosh, her voice was so pretty!

Opportunity only comes knocking once and for me it was in the form of a baseball that rocketed it's way into my sternum. I hadn't been caressed like that since I fell out of my crib and even though I wasn't a quick thinker my moment of inspiration arrived.

I closed my eyes while she cradled me in her arms and I said, "Mom, is that you? Everything is so dark. I can't see. Please kiss me before I go."

I puckered up an waited for my moment of ecstasy, when she dropped me like a sack of fertilizer. She walked off the field, out of the park and out of my life.
 
Ok, I admit it, as a lover of utilitarian things….I don’t hate it.


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A guy in an unforgiving landscape like Alaska would definitely see this as useful.


Useful, definitely. But if there is downtime between essential tasks of upkeeping my shelter and making sure I am good healthwise and have enough food on hand, I am sawing tree limbs, debarking, cutting, forming, and venison-lard finishing a wooden replacement stock and wood forearm furniture for that gosh darned thing. Fuck I can't even look at it for too long...
 
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