From "The Onion" c. 1999
Area Bassist Fellated
COLUMBUS, OH. According to reports, area musician Paul Simms, bass player for the local grunge/punk band The Dead Taybacks, was fellated early Sunday morning by an unknown woman. The fellatio, which occurred during a late-night party following a Dead Taybacks show at the Tar Pit in downtown Columbus, was described as "totally rockin'" by Simms, who formerly played bass for Claw Jockey.
Area bassist Paul Simms recently enjoyed oral sex. He attributed the fortuitous encounter to his status as a "rock" musician, which creates a tremendous sexual energy that makes him irresistible to "chicks."
A part-time college student who is currently looking for a place to stay, Simms was unable to identify his fellater, as he passed out shortly thereafter. Nonetheless, he remains optimistic about future occurrences of fellatio in his life, and credits his status as a band member for his fellatio success.
"The whole rock thing -- the hair, the ripped clothes, the total disillusionment with the overwhelming, crushing commercialism of modern American life," said Simms, flipping his long, tousled locks out of his eyes with a flip of his hand. "Chicks dig it."
According to witnesses, the fellatio occurred in the alley behind the Tar Pit. At approximately 3:52 a.m., the unknown fellatist unbuckled the belt and lowered the trousers worn by Simms and proceeded to lick, stroke and suck his exposed penis.
"It was awesome," commented Simms. "But don't get the wrong idea here. Fellatio isn't what it's all about. For me, the most important thing is still the music. The beer, the parties and the anonymous random orally induced orgasms are just a tiny part of it."
According to Simms, The Dead Taybacks will soon embark on a five-day tour of southern Ohio, during which he believes he has an excellent chance of receiving additional fellatio.
"I hear we're really big in the Oberlin area," Simms said. "My sister's friend Steve goes to school down there, and she said he thinks he's heard of us."
The Dead Taybacks' first out-of-town date is May 4, when the band will play before an expected 70 people at a Dayton, OH, Knights of Columbus hall.
In addition to the upcoming tour, Simms is hopeful The Dead Taybacks upcoming six-song cassette will also help him land enjoyable oral sex.
"Yeah, we're gonna do a new tape, which will include some songs from our seven-inch EP," Simms said. "A friend of ours borrowed a cassette four-track, so it will be pretty good quality. We'll shop it around, and maybe a local label will pick it up. If not, this record store downtown might sell it on consignment for us. That would be awesome."
Simms said the band has saved "over $75" to record the new cassette, including $11 from a recent show at the Drift-On-Inn Bar and Grill.
"We got paid $40 for that gig," Dead Taybacks drummer and part-time Video Zone clerk Jim Klapisch explained. "But most of that money went toward paying for the flyers."
Band members nevertheless maintain that the money, like the sex, is just a small part of what keeps them going.
"When we get into a van to go to a gig, we rarely talk about how much money we'll pocket or how many babes will be in the audience," Simms said. "After the show, however, that's pretty much all we talk about."
According to sources close to the band, Sunday was no exception, as Simms told bandmates everything he could remember about the previous night's sexual escapade.
Simms also suddenly put off plans to quit the band, though he maintains that his recent sexual encounter had nothing to do with his sudden change of heart.
Experts were not surprised that Simms was the recipient of such a bold sexual favor, one that is not traditionally a casual exchange between partners.
"Being a member of a rock band is very alluring from a sexual standpoint," said Yale University's Nora Hayes, one of the nation's leading authorities on college-area band-related sexual activity. "Men and women in bands are considered 'cool' by their peers, and that, when combined with a visceral, sweaty performance on the part of the musician, makes them very attractive from a mating standpoint."
"That stuff used to happen to me all the time," said Gary Thortle, 29, who played keyboards for Penthouse Sweet while a student at Ohio State. Thortle has since graduated and is now temping for a Columbus-area QualiTemps. "God, I miss those days."
Added former Zen Monkey guitarist and lead singer Ronald Gick: "God, I miss those days."
The Associated Press and New York Times wire service reports were used when compiling this story.
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