Maggie’s Good Irish joke

[johnl]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea. He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

 

[calling4life]

Re: Good Irish joke

 

[DoctorBen]

Re: Good Irish joke

Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A: None...

 

[jmtgsx]

Re: Good Irish joke

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.



Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."



The man says, "I can''t take anything from you, I''m just glad I didn''t hurt you too badly," and walks away.



Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I''ll give him the three things that I would want. I''ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."



Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.



The leprechaun says, "I''m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"



The golfer says, "It''s great! I hit under par every time."



The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"



The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."



The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"



The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."



The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"



The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that''s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

 

[runningwithscissors]

Re: Good Irish joke

Irish 7 course meal?
6 pack and a potato

 

[runningwithscissors]

Re: Good Irish joke

"I'm talking penny heads up in a horshoe on a four leaf clover rolled up in a leprechaun" (uncle Si)

 

[msiebert]

Re: Good Irish joke

Shamus says to ol' Murph..."what in the hell are ya' sooo happy about??" and he replies, "you're not gonna believe it, I found us this bar that for $2.00 they let ya' drink all the Bushmill's ya want!!!" "Yer bull schattin" says Murph. No, and the best part is they take ya in this little room in the back and get ya laid!!!!!" Murphy says, "now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.....are ya tellin me that for just $2.00 they get ya drunk off Bushmill's and then get ya laid?????" "That's what Im tellin ya!!!" replies Shamus. "And you've been ta this bar have ya???" asks Murph. AHHHHH, well no not exactly, but me sister has!!!!"

 

[dohnuts58]

Re: Good Irish joke

Why did god invent whiskey?

To keep the Irish from taking over the world

 

[jmtgsx]

Re: Good Irish joke

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.



So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'



Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.



If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.



Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry.. No sex this time..'



A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.



The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'



As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'



Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week.'

 

[Decoy]

Re: Good Irish joke

Irish Blond

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino during the SHOT Show. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
But all men...Are men!

 

[InsidetheStorm]

Re: Good Irish joke

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Decoy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Irish Blond

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino during the SHOT Show. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
But all men...Are men!
</div></div>

HA! I tried that once in Vegas, It didnt work at all!!