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Ancestry Bullshit - Who Else Laughs at These?

Tucker301

Tucker301

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#1
This one has been my favorite for a while, so I already knew that "her people" were only 15% Ivory Coast, and she's much more likely to get puking drunk on cheap whisky and start a big brawl than she is to rule over much of anything.

So it comes on the TV a while ago and I'm getting ready for the payoff - laugh every time.... but wait.
What happened the 15%?!


June 2018 / October 2018 - In just one Summer the fuckers have raided the Ivory Coast and stolen ancestry from Africa and England!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Those Goddamned Scotch-Irish Fookers just never quit, do they?! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:




June

June.jpg



October

IMG_20181009_185947.jpg
 
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#2
Maybe they just modified their algorithms and got some different looking data back. Or, maybe it's all just a bunch of bullshit.

Nevertheless, I bet you there's at least one mad scientist maniacally laughing at the success of his most recent experiment which, thanks to millions of retards giving their money and blood to him, will enable him to kill off every single left handed black midget over a period of 12 years.

Why would he want to do that? Well, he went to school with a left handed black midget, and that guy pissed in his wheaties. Never got over it.
 
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#3
Lots of DNA test advertisements on TV here in Aus too . They all give me a chuckle when they appear,
especially the guy who thinks his 10% Scandinavian ancestry is the reason he likes surfing .....
I’ve got a combination of several cold climate genes, ascertained not from a DNA test but just known
family history : 100% mixed mongrel bastard :) .
 
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#4
So (just going with the add) her grandmother 15 generations ago was some badass leader and now she is on welfare. While I do enjoy history a shit ton, personal ancestry seems like looking in the rear view mirror while driving forward. Personally I like to look forward.

My Mother did a MEand23 DNA test and showed me. First thing I thought of was WTF. This summer showed the government (LEO) catching a few criminals who they had DNA for through MEand23 type testing. I am not wanted but why would you willing give out information on yourself like that. Seems like the 21st century version of "stop and frisk"
 
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#5
QuickNDirty said:
Maybe they just modified their algorithms and got some different looking data back. Or, maybe it's all just a bunch of bullshit.

Nevertheless, I bet you there's at least one mad scientist maniacally laughing at the success of his most recent experiment which, thanks to millions of retards giving their money and blood to him, will enable him to kill off every single left handed black midget over a period of 12 years.

Why would he want to do that? Well, he went to school with a left handed black midget, and that guy pissed in his wheaties. Never got over it.
Click to expand...
Diabolical, just diabolical! I want to be friends with this guy.
 
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#16
Wasn’t it the state of Washington that gave a guy who sued the state for minority rights after he took the test and it came back at 4% and the state gave it to him on the second suit. Then he sued the federal government, lost.
What’s the error factor? 5%? Idk
 
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#18
MtnCreek said:
From the little bit I've read, they only need a fairly small percentage of a population to be able to identify a majority. At least where I come from. Lol
Click to expand...
All the criminals I know of caught so far with commercial DNA testing have gone down like this.
DNA evidence is found at the scene of a crime. run through crime lab no hits. run through 23andME, ancestry.com, etc.. and a hit has come back for a relative who had done the test on their own accord.
The Golden state killer I believe was caught because his brother had done the test a couple years ago. LEO gets a report back to the effect of "you are a male relative of this person.....". From what I can find out the LEO send it in as if it is their DNA. Once they know that they can A: rule out the brother and B: start investigating all his male relatives.

On a good note two women this year did the test, miles apart and without ever knowing each other and found out that they were switched a birth.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-new...tched-birth-72-years-ago-are-reunited-n882941
 
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#19
Nodakplowboy said:
Why would anyone voluntarily give up something that would otherwise require a search warrant, court order or a autopsy bed? I'm mostly Germanic from 4 generations back.

That's good enough for me.
Click to expand...

I tend to agree. My tomorrow is the same, whether some obscure ancestor was raped on a trade ship like Courtney's great-great-great-great grandma or not.
 
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#20
I'd say it is a big mistake to let any of these "private companies" offering their "DNA services" have your information.
They seem more than happy to let the authorities do as much warrantless searching as they please openly....
That makes me more suspicious of what they are doing without telling you.

My guess is somewhere they are trying to build up the "facebook" of DNA for the whole country and trying to basically by back door have a database of DNA or close enough DNA for as much of the population as they can.

Once the government gets power or information or a new ability to violate your rights, they never want to give it up, so once they have your DNA in one of those "private databases" you have given up your privacy and right to not be searched without a court order for good and there is no taking it back.
 
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#22
W54/XM-388 said:
I'd say it is a big mistake to let any of these "private companies" offering their "DNA services" have your information.
They seem more than happy to let the authorities do as much warrantless searching as they please openly....
That makes me more suspicious of what they are doing without telling you.

My guess is somewhere they are trying to build up the "facebook" of DNA for the whole country and trying to basically by back door have a database of DNA or close enough DNA for as much of the population as they can.

Once the government gets power or information or a new ability to violate your rights, they never want to give it up, so once they have your DNA in one of those "private databases" you have given up your privacy and right to not be searched without a court order for good and there is no taking it back.
Click to expand...
You are 100% correct. And the reason I was pissed at my mother for doing it. What people don't understand is they are not just giving up personal info but family info.

From my research/understanding the DNA companies do not know they are helping the government/LEO. See my post above
 
#26
I've been paraphrasing Tarantino a lot lately but when people ask me if my name is Italian my response always is, "It's American. Our names don't mean shit." Seriously, if my Italian and Irish descendants that immigrated here were that impressed about where they came from then they wouldn't have kept their mouths shut about it until the day they died. I can respect that. I'm not digging up those skeletons. And I sure as fuck don't want no DNA test. I'm afraid it would come back Sicilian.

 
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#27
Ok I got taken in by this stuff a few years back and did the test. I know I'm fucked if I ever decide to drug someone and in Cosby fashion squirt copious amounts of love lava in every orifice. I have to be on my best behavior.

After I took the test and got my results,I talked my mother into it. Now Mom is 91. She comes from a long line of Irish Murphy, Green, O'Toole etc. I didn't expect much but she loves family genealogy so we got the kit for her for Xmas. When results came back she showed Irish alright but also showed Scottish which makes sense. A little Scandinavian....OK, a little Indian, feather not dot. Then it got weird. Greek Isles, Iberian peninsula, Italian, North African. Indian dot not feather. Mom is from Kentucky and in her southern drawl she looked at the results and said. "You can't tell all that from spit!" We all laughed our asses off!
 
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#28
Culpeper said:
I've been paraphrasing Tarantino a lot lately but when people ask me if my name is Italian my response always is, "It's American. Our names don't mean shit." Seriously, if my Italian and Irish descendants that immigrated here were that impressed about where they came from then they wouldn't have kept their mouths shut about it until the day they died. I can respect that. I'm not digging up those skeletons. And I sure as fuck don't want no DNA test. I'm afraid it would come back Sicilian.
Click to expand...

Most of my ancestors were fleeing some kind of death or persecution or some form of oppression so they did their best to ditch their past, come up with more "normal" sounding family names and never talk about being from where they came from.
 
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#37
It really is pathetic that these people are so angst-ridden to discover that they had a Wop in the Woodpile somewhere or are 4 percent Bantu so they can put bones in their nose and deny their 'White Privilege...'

But got to love the folks at those Ancestry sites! They are making a FORTUNE!!! Costs a few bucks to do a test... run it against what is really a farce of a 'traced DNA map' created by anthropologists on a 'guess' that this is where humankind fanned out from... and you have a cash machine! Preying on the insecure who want to be more than they are, even if it means that they dress up in regalia of stolen Hittite Valor.

Years ago, my grandfather traced back the family 'the old fashioned way' with church records, birth certificates, marriage records, graveyard rubbings... did the whole thing. Way back. He spent years on it. The result.... Straight line to Scotland on one side... Dunkeld. Which I have visited. And it is a s*^thole. The family was smart to get out. Pure English on the other... and nary a duke or a lord or a by-your-leave-sir on the other. Certainly no Zulu chieftians popping up to ravish great, great, great, great grandma Gunnhild. Only interesting thing was the family was in Concord, NH almost from the founding of the town. And was making a good living selling whiskey and hors d'ouvres to the Indians when they decided the King was a better bet than the Declaration of Independence. Proving that they were morons. And after picking the tar and feathers out their hair, they settled for several generations in Abbotsford, Quebec. Where they just kept marrying more English. Or as the natives called them... Hanglish. Before coming to Vermont because the deer hunting was better, I suppose.

So I guess I should put on a Habs Jersey and fashion a Peter Puck shrine on the mantle, smoke unfiltered Gauloises Exports, drink Labatts Blue from a bottle while driving a Trans-Am with studded tires to a Celine Dionne concert.... but that would be Stolen Queeb Valor. Besides, the difference between a Canadian and a canoe is that a canoe tips.... Sorry, Sean.

As for the ancestry stuff... Gawd isn't capitalism great? We should come up with something like that...

Send us a an envelope full of nail clippings, and we'll give you a certificate that says grand-dad was Rommel or something. The creativity around here, we could have millions of unsuspecting idiots proudly wearing grand-dad's medals from Biafra... pretending to be descended from chess-grand-masters and wearing Codpieces. It would make their day! All they want is a little bit of "I am somebody" and for $49.95, I bought the certificate to prove it. The lazy and their money are easily parted.

Cheers,

Sirhr

P.S. Given my lineage, I am guilty of stolen snob valor. Well, I bought my powdered wig and Culottes fair and square at Walmart and I identify as a snob. So there, peasants.
 
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#38
These sites are just another way for you to give them your info. Voluntarily. The Govt, organ harvesters, and even med industry will use it against you. People are stupid. Look a billion of you all joined facebook then you come and talk about privacy rights. They don't need to secretly spy on you. You gave them permission to do it openly. JMHO
 
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#40
Tucker301 said:
This one has been my favorite for a while, so I already knew that "her people" were only 15% Ivory Coast, and she's much more likely to get puking drunk on cheap whisky and start a big brawl than she is to rule over much of anything.

So it comes on the TV a while ago and I'm getting ready for the payoff - laugh every time.... but wait.
What happened the 15%?!


June 2018 / October 2018 - In just one Summer the fuckers have raided the Ivory Coast and stolen ancestry from Africa and England!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Those Goddamned Scotch-Irish Fookers just never quit, do they?! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:




June

View attachment 6954061


October

View attachment 6954062
Click to expand...


Goddamn, she whitened up by a good 5%...
 
#41
You ask me this ties in directly with the video @sirhrmechanic posted.

They already have your personality profile based on postings on social media - such as this one - now 23andme, etc will give them your biologic profile.

and in both cases they have to do no work at all nor violate any laws you (me) put the information out there voluntarily.
 
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#43
DuneBoer said:
Ok I got taken in by this stuff a few years back and did the test. I know I'm fucked if I ever decide to drug someone and in Cosby fashion squirt copious amounts of love lava in every orifice. I have to be on my best behavior.

After I took the test and got my results,I talked my mother into it. Now Mom is 91. She comes from a long line of Irish Murphy, Green, O'Toole etc. I didn't expect much but she loves family genealogy so we got the kit for her for Xmas. When results came back she showed Irish alright but also showed Scottish which makes sense. A little Scandinavian....OK, a little Indian, feather not dot. Then it got weird. Greek Isles, Iberian peninsula, Italian, North African. Indian dot not feather. Mom is from Kentucky and in her southern drawl she looked at the results and said. "You can't tell all that from spit!" We all laughed our asses off!
Click to expand...


My MIL bought one for my wife and it came back as fucked up as your mom's did.
We also joked about how everyone is a mutt and how the allowed error percentage could mean just about anything.

If I could afford it, I would buy a dozen tests and have the same person do the swab. Enter the information for 12 different people (men and women, and one dog) from all walks of life and then see just what the results are.
It would be very interesting to see what they come up with.
 
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#45
Next one is going to be

"Send us your finger prints and we will create an identity kit for you to maintain in case of an emergency. Wouldnt it be comforting to know that your family has answers and closure?"

They already did this with our kids in case of abduction.

Im guessing finger print technology is already outdated though.

Fact is all this stuff is too cumbersome.

whats needed is a cashless society and commerce "chips" to really control everyone.
 
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#46
Mike Casselton said:
My MIL bought one for my wife and it came back as fucked up as your mom's did.
We also joked about how everyone is a mutt and how the allowed error percentage could mean just about anything.

If I could afford it, I would buy a dozen tests and have the same person do the swab. Enter the information for 12 different people (men and women, and one dog) from all walks of life and then see just what the results are.
It would be very interesting to see what they come up with.
Click to expand...

I think someone already took a test of his scottish terrier and it came back as a german shepard.
 
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#47
sirhrmechanic said:
It really is pathetic that these people are so angst-ridden to discover that they had a Wop in the Woodpile somewhere or are 4 percent Bantu so they can put bones in their nose and deny their 'White Privilege...'

But got to love the folks at those Ancestry sites! They are making a FORTUNE!!! Costs a few bucks to do a test... run it against what is really a farce of a 'traced DNA map' created by anthropologists on a 'guess' that this is where humankind fanned out from... and you have a cash machine! Preying on the insecure who want to be more than they are, even if it means that they dress up in regalia of stolen Hittite Valor.

Years ago, my grandfather traced back the family 'the old fashioned way' with church records, birth certificates, marriage records, graveyard rubbings... did the whole thing. Way back. He spent years on it. The result.... Straight line to Scotland on one side... Dunkeld. Which I have visited. And it is a s*^thole. The family was smart to get out. Pure English on the other... and nary a duke or a lord or a by-your-leave-sir on the other. Certainly no Zulu chieftians popping up to ravish great, great, great, great grandma Gunnhild. Only interesting thing was the family was in Concord, NH almost from the founding of the town. And was making a good living selling whiskey and hors d'ouvres to the Indians when they decided the King was a better bet than the Declaration of Independence. Proving that they were morons. And after picking the tar and feathers out their hair, they settled for several generations in Abbotsford, Quebec. Where they just kept marrying more English. Or as the natives called them... Hanglish. Before coming to Vermont because the deer hunting was better, I suppose.

So I guess I should put on a Habs Jersey and fashion a Peter Puck shrine on the mantle, smoke unfiltered Gauloises Exports, drink Labatts Blue from a bottle while driving a Trans-Am with studded tires to a Celine Dionne concert.... but that would be Stolen Queeb Valor. Besides, the difference between a Canadian and a canoe is that a canoe tips.... Sorry, Sean.

As for the ancestry stuff... Gawd isn't capitalism great? We should come up with something like that...

Send us a an envelope full of nail clippings, and we'll give you a certificate that says grand-dad was Rommel or something. The creativity around here, we could have millions of unsuspecting idiots proudly wearing grand-dad's medals from Biafra... pretending to be descended from chess-grand-masters and wearing Codpieces. It would make their day! All they want is a little bit of "I am somebody" and for $49.95, I bought the certificate to prove it. The lazy and their money are easily parted.

Cheers,

Sirhr

P.S. Given my lineage, I am guilty of stolen snob valor. Well, I bought my powdered wig and Culottes fair and square at Walmart and I identify as a snob. So there, peasants.
Click to expand...

Funny, I traced mine back too. The old fashioned way. It wasn't easy but I got lucky a few times. All the way back to Bannockburn (although name by name direct descent ends somewhere around the 1400's). You could've no-shit made a whole "Braveheart" movie, and made it true to form, about my ancestors. We were Robert the Bruce's assassins. They were a mean bunch of fuckers and within 200 years took over Argyllshire in the heart of the Highlands, and even served as the king of Scotland for 1 year during the English civil war. Then lost it all with the Jacobite uprising (which my family led). We had around 30-40 other families that swore fealty to ours. They escaped the gallows here in 1699, not all did. The castles were burned. The one "we" have now is just a nice house that looks like one. Then we fought against 'em. We've been in every conflict since before Bannockburn (we were a tribe before and during that battle; nobody had tartars then but I guess you can't make a movie about Scotland without plaid) and on both sides where applicable. My full name has been handed down for over 600 years.

Even have a union general and a confederate private in there! I'm the direct descendent of the private of course. The general died before having kids. Second highest ranking loss in the whole war. It's funny though, the story of how he died was passed down, but over time the private somehow got confused with the general. How he was killed became a legend. Wheeled his horse and tipped his hat and said some quip in the face of the enemy. When shot his aide said, "you've just killed our best man". Grant cried and it was said that he would've been president had he lived. Wow. The private was actually wounded in AR 1861 (a long way from AL) during the first month of the war. I really wish I'd known all this growing up, it'd have made my balls at least 2x bigger.

Too bad they sided with the Jacobites though, I'd probably be a goddamn duke right now! Pretty sure I wouldn't have learned that on "Ancestry". The only good thing those tests are for is to check for probability of certain illnesses so you can better prepare.

I think you'd like the family motto: "Touch not the catt bot a glove" --translation: don't fuck with us, or do it and die. The "catt" is a double entendre and I'm sure you know what the glove represents as it's also a double entendre in relation. How Scottish is that?
 
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#48
pmclaine said:
Next one is going to be
Click to expand...
The next one will be the chip they implant in you. Hey its no biggie you won't even have to go to the checkout line anymore. Just pick up what you want and walk out. If you don't have enough in your account a 50,000 volt zap to the brain will remind you.

Also if you are ever missing we can find you. Unless of course your kidnappers cut it out. As a side benefit we (the Govt) will even be able to tell when you are horny. They will auto text your wife to get naked.

Come on get chipped it's a blast and good for you. :) JMHO
 
#49
pmclaine said:
Next one is going to be

"Send us your finger prints and we will create an identity kit for you to maintain in case of an emergency. Wouldnt it be comforting to know that your family has answers and closure?"

They already did this with our kids in case of abduction.

Im guessing finger print technology is already outdated though.

Fact is all this stuff is too cumbersome.

whats needed is a cashless society and commerce "chips" to really control everyone.
Click to expand...

The fingerprinting wasn't to protect your kids. This is the government, come on! The truth was they wanted to build a database of "future criminals". They were already using yearbooks to ID criminals. So thanks to that, we all have FBI records. On top of that, when I joined the army, they take a blood sample "so we can ID you if you get turned into a stain". Well, all that info ALSO went into the FBI database so they have DNA and fingerprints.

Both of which were illegal moves. But it's good to know that if I commit any crime that I may as well go for the gusto and leave zero evidence.
 
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#50
2ndamendfan said:
All the criminals I know of caught so far with commercial DNA testing have gone down like this.
DNA evidence is found at the scene of a crime. run through crime lab no hits. run through 23andME, ancestry.com, etc.. and a hit has come back for a relative who had done the test on their own accord.
The Golden state killer I believe was caught because his brother had done the test a couple years ago. LEO gets a report back to the effect of "you are a male relative of this person.....". From what I can find out the LEO send it in as if it is their DNA. Once they know that they can A: rule out the brother and B: start investigating all his male relatives.

On a good note two women this year did the test, miles apart and without ever knowing each other and found out that they were switched a birth.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-new...tched-birth-72-years-ago-are-reunited-n882941
Click to expand...
And that they both identify as male!!
 
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