Maggie’s beards for a new combat tool?

65nut

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Pentagon Study Finds Beards Directly Related To Combat Effectiveness

Tampa, FL – Forget new gear, weapons, or sophisticated targeting systems. The newest tool coming to combat troops is low-tech: beards. In a report released yesterday, research think-tank Xegis Solutions noted that beards have a direct correlation to combat effectiveness.

Jonathon Burns was the lead researcher in the study.

“We took 100 soldiers. 25 were Special Forces qualified and had beards, 25 were Special Forces qualified without beards, 25 were regular Army allowed to grow beards for the study, and the last 25 were regular Army without beards. All 100 of these subjects were in direct combat in Afghanistan during the study.”

He continued, “Xegis Solutions had several teams of researchers embedded with these troops to make observations on their combat effectiveness. The results were overwhelming, out of the 50 soldiers with beards, zero were wounded or killed and they had a significantly higher accuracy of fire than the soldiers without beards. The soldiers lacking beards had a higher rate of weapons malfunctions and basically, shit went wrong most of the time.”

CENTCOM wasted no time establishing a new rule forcing males to grow beards.

Commander Gen. James E. Mattis issued a statement to all troops in combat zones.

“The time has come for the Armed Forces to accept the facts, and the facts are that beards save lives. All this time it was speculated that Green Berets were better because of their superior and intensive training while in fact, most of it had to do with beards.”

There’s no doubt that many in the Special Forces community will be angered, but General Mattis is convinced.

“It’s settled science. In light of this information we will enforce a rule requiring all males to wear at least one inch of facial hair at all times. Furthermore, any females able to grow facial hair are encouraged to do so as well.”
 

cavscout1983

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Re: beards for a new combat tool?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">“We have now for many centuries triumphed over nature to the extent of making certain secondary characteristics of the male (such as the beard) disagreeable to nearly all the females - and there is more in that than you might suppose”</div></div>-C.S. Lewis

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">“He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man”</div></div>-Shakespeare

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">“"Upon shaving off one's beard." The scissors cut the long-grown hair; the razor scrapes the remnant fuzz. Small-jawed, weak-chinned, bug-eyed, I stare at the forgotten boy I was.”</div></div>- John Updike

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
“The eyes of fire, the nostrils of air, the mouth of war, the beard of earth.”</div></div>- William Blake

For a little dissenting quote:

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
“Some of these guys wear beards to make them look intimidating, but they don't look so tough when they have to deliver the ball. Their abilities and their attitudes don't back up their beards.”</div></div>-Don Drysdale
 

rrflyer

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Re: beards for a new combat tool?

<object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/PiWkhET56uA"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/PiWkhET56uA" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"> </embed></object>
 

DCR

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Re: beards for a new combat tool?

That was some funny shit!
 

RedGoat

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Re: beards for a new combat tool?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 65nut</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Pentagon Study Finds Beards Directly Related To Combat Effectiveness

Tampa, FL – Forget new gear, weapons, or sophisticated targeting systems. The newest tool coming to combat troops is low-tech: beards. In a report released yesterday, research think-tank Xegis Solutions noted that beards have a direct correlation to combat effectiveness.

Jonathon Burns was the lead researcher in the study.

“We took 100 soldiers. 25 were Special Forces qualified and had beards, 25 were Special Forces qualified without beards, 25 were regular Army allowed to grow beards for the study, and the last 25 were regular Army without beards. All 100 of these subjects were in direct combat in Afghanistan during the study.”

He continued, “Xegis Solutions had several teams of researchers embedded with these troops to make observations on their combat effectiveness. The results were overwhelming, out of the 50 soldiers with beards, zero were wounded or killed and they had a significantly higher accuracy of fire than the soldiers without beards. The soldiers lacking beards had a higher rate of weapons malfunctions and basically, shit went wrong most of the time.”

CENTCOM wasted no time establishing a new rule forcing males to grow beards.

Commander Gen. James E. Mattis issued a statement to all troops in combat zones.

“The time has come for the Armed Forces to accept the facts, and the facts are that beards save lives. All this time it was speculated that Green Berets were better because of their superior and intensive training while in fact, most of it had to do with beards.”

There’s no doubt that many in the Special Forces community will be angered, but General Mattis is convinced.

“It’s settled science. In light of this information we will enforce a rule requiring all males to wear at least one inch of facial hair at all times. Furthermore, any females able to grow facial hair are encouraged to do so as well.” </div></div>

QFT
 

Maggot

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  • Jul 27, 2007
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    Re: beards for a new combat tool?

    Doh!
     

    Pok

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    Re: beards for a new combat tool?

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 65nut</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Qft? Wtf is that? </div></div>

    = Quoted For Truth
     

    bassani

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    Dec 19, 2011
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    Re: beards for a new combat tool?

    <span style="font-size: 17pt"><span style="font-weight: bold">Beard</span></span>

    The single most manly, and great thing a man can do. To have a beard is to be a true man. If you have a beard, show it off proudly, and enjoy the satisfaction of the envy in the eyes of people around you who don't have beards. If you don't have a beard, grow one. If you cant grow one and your not past puberty yet, hold out my young friend, your time will come. If you don't have a beard and your past puberty, go get that sex change you know you need.

    <span style="font-style: italic">True men that had beards: Jesus, Abe Lincoln, Paul Bunyan, Billy Mays, Jim Henson, George Washington Carver, Zach Galifianakis, Bill Murray, Macho Man Randy Savage, and many more.</span>

    <span style="font-size: 17pt"><span style="font-weight: bold">Beard</span></span>

    A common word used to address a homosexual's female friend who he takes around town; he normally calls this companion his "girlfriend" to prove to the world that he is a masculine, football watching, titty grabbing heterosexual male. Although, he may think that this so called 'image' is working, he's actually fooling himself. It's completely obvious to on-lookers that he is a flamboyant homo. Gayer than a chihuahua in pink shades.

    Here are some warning signs that you may be a beard...

    1. He wears more makeup than you.
    2. He looks fucking FIERCE in pictures 'cause he smiles wit' his eyes.
    3. Uses bronzer as blush
    4. Plucks his own eyebrows and his eyebrows look more groomed than yours.
    5. Stands with hands on his hips.

    <span style="font-style: italic">Who the hell does Gayfron think that he is fooling? We all know that Vanessa Hudgens is his beard.

    Have you ever watched Sunset Tan? Nick's beard sort of looks like a tranny.</span>

    <span style="font-size: 17pt"><span style="font-weight: bold">Beard</span></span>

    The best solution to any problem. A sort of spiritual band-aid that's only effective when used by men.

    <span style="font-style: italic">Dude, my girlfriend dumped me, but I grew this beard and now I feel great!</span>

     

    someguy12341

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    Re: beards for a new combat tool?

    Gerard-Butler-This-Is-Sparta.jpg
     

    Veer_G

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    Re: beards for a new combat tool?

    ndrbm.jpg


    Hey, I got no arguments with that.
     

    salty dog

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    May 28, 2010
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    Re: beards for a new combat tool?

    "There are two kinds of people in this world that go
    around beardless—boys and women—and I am neither one." -Greek saying ...
     

    shankster..

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    Re: beards for a new combat tool?

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Veer_G</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    ndrbm.jpg


    Hey, I got no arguments with that. </div></div>


    OlDHu.jpg