Maggie’s Bill's Guide To The Internet

[shankster..]

http://27bslash6.com/bill.html

<span style="font-weight: bold">"Hello, my name is Bill and welcome to my guide to the internet. Basically, everything on the internet is rubbish but I will try to pinpoint the main areas to avoid.
The internet is full of idiots writing rubbish for other idiots to read. If I want to find something out I will ask someone or read a book. I paid over three thousand dollars for my complete leather bound set of Funk & Wagnalls in 1967 and if it is not in there then it is not worth knowing. Also, man will walk on the moon before I have a facebook page."</span>


<span style="font-weight: bold">Google</span>
When I was young and I wanted to know something, I was beaten for being too inquisitive. That's the problem with the young people today, they have a google answer for everything. If they had to walk to their local library every time they had something stupid to ask they would ask a lot less stupid questions.

<span style="font-weight: bold">Google Images</span>
Google Images is useless. I used it once to search for a photo of farm equipment and it showed me twenty thousand pictures of horse dicks.

<span style="font-weight: bold">Blogging</span>
I read a blog once by someone who had bought a scarf and he went on for about three hundred paragraphs about his scarf and where he bought it and how it made him feel. The last time I bought a scarf I wore it. End of story. I didn't write a novel about it.

<span style="font-weight: bold">Chatrooms</span>
If I wanted to chat with strangers, I would pick up the phone and press random numbers. I tried a chatroom once and was talking to guy who claimed he was an obese fifty three year old man living in a caravan park but there is no way of knowing if these people are telling the truth.

<span style="font-weight: bold">Twitter</span>
Why would I want anybody I don't know knowing what I am doing? I don't yell out to everyone in the supermarket "I am buying oranges" so why would I want to do it on my internet? When I was young, I lived in a small village where everybody knew each other and knew what everyone was up to. There was a fat italian kid who lived next door to me named Tony. One day I shot him in the leg with a home made bow & arrow from my treehouse that overlooked his yard and his parents called the police. Within hours the entire village was calling me William Tell. Having escaped the small town mentality for the last fifty two years, I am hardly going to advertise my movements now.

<span style="font-weight: bold">The Bath Mat</span>
I realise this is not internet related but I cannot understand why it is so hard for people to hang the bath mat over the bath when they are finished using it. I don't leave the mat all soggy for other people to walk on after I have been in there.

<span style="font-weight: bold">Facebook</span>
I have a photo album on my bookshelf full of faces of people I know which I haven't opened since 1982 so why would I want their faces on my internet? None of them are even very good looking. I tried facebook to see what all the fuss was about and was only on there five minutes before some idiot poked me. It is easy to be brave when you are on the internet.

<span style="font-weight: bold">Reddit / Digg</span>
These sites are the online equivalent of walking down the street, finding a rock shaped like a frog and holding it up in the air while yelling for all my neighbours to come out and tell me what they think of my frog shaped rock. My neighbours can all go to hell. Especially Mrs Carter in number three who leaves her bins out all week. If I did find a rock shaped like a frog, I would throw it at her cat.

<span style="font-weight: bold">eBay</span>
If I wanted a house full of cheap, dirty, second hand rubbish, I would go to a garage sale in Klemzig.

<span style="font-weight: bold">Email</span>
People are always sending me all kinds of rubbish. Why would I want dozens of pictures of lots of love cats? I hate cats. I went away for a week recently and when I got back and checked my email, I had eight hundred and forty three messages. Eight hundred and forty of these were adverts for viagra and the other three were pictures of lots of love cats. I bought a 'no junk mail' sticker and stuck it on my modem but nobody has taken any notice.

<span style="font-weight: bold">/b/</span>
I spent a good hour on this site and still have no idea what it is for. All I could work out is that I am apparently a newfag and cannot triforce but am unsure as to why I would need to triforce in the first place. I asked some of the people on there for their advice regarding triforcing but the only answer I seemed to get was 'n#gger'.

 

[shankster..]

Re: Bill's Guide To The Internet

This one a guy email trolls his Homeowner's Association over a fine for not having his trash in a bear-proof container:

http://27bslash6.com/massanutten.html

LOL at the "bear" pictures.

 

[ubet]

Re: Bill's Guide To The Internet

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: shankster</div><div class="ubbcode-body">This one a guy email trolls his Homeowner's Association over a fine for not having his trash in a bear-proof container:

http://27bslash6.com/massanutten.html

LOL at the "bear" pictures. </div></div>

God that was funny

 

[kingrabbit]

Re: Bill's Guide To The Internet

holy crap that was funny...

 

[Mike]

Re: Bill's Guide To The Internet

Brilliant

 

[Pat M]

Re: Bill's Guide To The Internet

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: shankster</div><div class="ubbcode-body">This one a guy email trolls his Homeowner's Association over a fine for not having his trash in a bear-proof container:

http://27bslash6.com/massanutten.html

LOL at the "bear" pictures. </div></div>

Dear Pat,
Due to the abundant supply of cats in the area, I'm surprised bears bother with the trash at all. As I have run over at least four cats this week and one of those did not put up much of a chase, it may be suggested that elderly residents and their cats pose more of an attraction for bears than unsecured trash. For the safety of all residents, section 9 of the MPOA Agreement should probably be amended to state that all cats, and their elderly owners, be kept in bear-proof containers.
While out walking this evening, I witnessed several cats having some kind of cat meeting on the sidewalk ahead of me. Possibly discussing the local bear problem. After reading that a bear recently ate a ladies cat in the area and hearing a twig snap in the shadows behind me, I decided to take the shortest route home by cutting through the Massanutten mini-golf facilities. Managing to scale the three metre fence via fear and a trash can, I slipped, caught my back pants pocket on one of the pointy metal bars, and hung there for several minutes before managing to wriggle out of them - dropping to safety and to the right of hole 7. Fashioning temporary legwear by removing my jumper and placing my legs in the sleeves, figuring they would look like Hammer pants to people driving by, I left the premises by climbing the papier-mâché boulders near hole 16, leaping onto the ticket hut roof and dropping down the other side to safety. If my shoes had not been soaked and slippery from the pond to the right of hole 7, I am pretty sure I would have made it on the first attempt. While not pointing any blame, I quite liked those pants as they fit really well and cost me around seventy-five dollars.
Also, as per your instructions to report bear sightings immediately, I have attached a photograph taken outside my premises a few minutes ago. I apologise for the quality but was fearful of getting too close due to the fact bears constrict and consume their prey whole, taking several days to fully digest. As I have a short attention span and would prefer a quick death such as removing my helmet in space, I request you send assistance immediately.
Regards, David.


From: Patricia Jennings
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 2.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bears

I checked with Carol at the mini golf hut and no pants were found on the fence. I doubt any of that really happened. That looks like a dog with a blanket on it. I'm not going to waste anyones time sending an officer out to check that

 

[Pat M]

Re: Bill's Guide To The Internet

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Pat M</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: shankster</div><div class="ubbcode-body">This one a guy email trolls his Homeowner's Association over a fine for not having his trash in a bear-proof container:

http://27bslash6.com/massanutten.html

LOL at the "bear" pictures. </div></div>

Dear Pat,
Due to the abundant supply of cats in the area, I'm surprised bears bother with the trash at all. As I have run over at least four cats this week and one of those did not put up much of a chase, it may be suggested that elderly residents and their cats pose more of an attraction for bears than unsecured trash. For the safety of all residents, section 9 of the MPOA Agreement should probably be amended to state that all cats, and their elderly owners, be kept in bear-proof containers.
While out walking this evening, I witnessed several cats having some kind of cat meeting on the sidewalk ahead of me. Possibly discussing the local bear problem. After reading that a bear recently ate a ladies cat in the area and hearing a twig snap in the shadows behind me, I decided to take the shortest route home by cutting through the Massanutten mini-golf facilities. Managing to scale the three metre fence via fear and a trash can, I slipped, caught my back pants pocket on one of the pointy metal bars, and hung there for several minutes before managing to wriggle out of them - dropping to safety and to the right of hole 7. Fashioning temporary legwear by removing my jumper and placing my legs in the sleeves, figuring they would look like Hammer pants to people driving by, I left the premises by climbing the papier-mâché boulders near hole 16, leaping onto the ticket hut roof and dropping down the other side to safety. If my shoes had not been soaked and slippery from the pond to the right of hole 7, I am pretty sure I would have made it on the first attempt. While not pointing any blame, I quite liked those pants as they fit really well and cost me around seventy-five dollars.
Also, as per your instructions to report bear sightings immediately, I have attached a photograph taken outside my premises a few minutes ago. I apologise for the quality but was fearful of getting too close due to the fact bears constrict and consume their prey whole, taking several days to fully digest. As I have a short attention span and would prefer a quick death such as removing my helmet in space, I request you send assistance immediately.
Regards, David.


From: Patricia Jennings
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 2.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bears

I checked with Carol at the mini golf hut and no pants were found on the fence. I doubt any of that really happened. That looks like a dog with a blanket on it. I'm not going to waste anyones time sending an officer out to check that </div></div>

Had to say the other stories on the left of this site have me rolling

 

[gunman_7]

Re: Bill's Guide To The Internet

WOw, that was funny...

 

[trophyhunter]

Re: Bill's Guide To The Internet

I haven't laughed this hard in YEARS.. my side still hurts and everyone ask me why I'm crying on the floor

Thank you very much