How is a JAP (Jewish American Princess) different from Jello?
The Jello wiggles when you eat it....
The Jello wiggles when you eat it....
His does a nun get a priest to sleep with her?
She dresses up as an alter boy.
Sent from a 7-11 payphone
She dresses up as an alter boy.
Sent from a 7-11 payphone
OK enough with the dead baby jokes.
What's better than a dead baby?
No more child support!!!
1911fan
No more child support!!!
1911fan
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
a student asked his english professor, "what is the definition of a
dilemma.
"the professor said, "well, there's nothing better than an example to
illustrate that."
"imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked
young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."
"who are you going to turn your back on?"
dilemma.
"the professor said, "well, there's nothing better than an example to
illustrate that."
"imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked
young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."
"who are you going to turn your back on?"
I love yoga pants!
But my wife won't sit with me when I wear them in Starbucks.
But my wife won't sit with me when I wear them in Starbucks.
BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
No more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ...
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied,
'If I can teach this frog to cook..........you're gone.'
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
No more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ...
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied,
'If I can teach this frog to cook..........you're gone.'
The $100 TATTOO
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Judy, says, 'Where in the hell have you been'?
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo'.
A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
I got 2 x $50 notes on my p**is,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking'? she said, shaking her head in disdain.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want'.
Larry is recovering in Ward 23
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Judy, says, 'Where in the hell have you been'?
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo'.
A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
I got 2 x $50 notes on my p**is,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking'? she said, shaking her head in disdain.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want'.
Larry is recovering in Ward 23
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER..., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER..., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!
Reposted on Fakebook.
Due to the recent popularity of an overweight White child getting her own TV show Reverend Al Sharpton and the NAACP demanded black equality and representation ! LIFE Channel acknowledged the concern and now is airing a reality show about an overweight black child growing up in the ghetto It's Called. Honey Jig a Boo Boo
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."
An American soldier and a native Iraqi happen to both stumble upon a lamp in the desert.
They quickly rub it, as the Genie pops out he proclaims that each person who has uncovered me gets one wish.
The Iraqi goes first, he states that he wants a wall around all of the middle east to protect us from outside infidels.
The genie said let it be done, and he made a wall around the Middle East.
The Soldier's turn comes up next, the soldier softly asks about the specs of this wall.
The genie proclaims with great pride saying it is two hundred feet tall and two hundred feet thick!
The Soldier thinks for a moment and says, "Fill it with water"
They quickly rub it, as the Genie pops out he proclaims that each person who has uncovered me gets one wish.
The Iraqi goes first, he states that he wants a wall around all of the middle east to protect us from outside infidels.
The genie said let it be done, and he made a wall around the Middle East.
The Soldier's turn comes up next, the soldier softly asks about the specs of this wall.
The genie proclaims with great pride saying it is two hundred feet tall and two hundred feet thick!
The Soldier thinks for a moment and says, "Fill it with water"
Thats why art majors suck.
And you subsidize them every time you pay your taxes. Good thing they didn't spend that money on trivial shit like research...
Working around construction guys for the last 15yrs I can say that's exactly how it would happen. That's a win
Big win, thanks.
Came home from work and yelled out to see where the wife was at, she yelled back that she was in the bath.
Walked in and asked what the hell so was doing and she said that she was applying cream on her face "To make myself beautiful,"
I watched for a second and was thinking to myself "WTF" when she started removing the cream with a tissue.
I said "What's the matter, Giving up?" Last thing I remember......
Walked in and asked what the hell so was doing and she said that she was applying cream on her face "To make myself beautiful,"
I watched for a second and was thinking to myself "WTF" when she started removing the cream with a tissue.
I said "What's the matter, Giving up?" Last thing I remember......
City of Atlanta PD announced it would be replacing it's current German Shepherd Dogs with Coon Dogs. When asked why they were making this change, an APD official was quoted as saying "We don't have a German problem".
Last edited:
It was posted on Fakebook. Just thought it belonged here at Maggie's.
Jesus walks into a hotel, puts some nails on the counter and said, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Excellent font choice.
Once it's full wouldn't the people around the edges climb out?
That is why we have dogs......
SIMPLE TRUTH
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
LOL......
Old Vermont farmer goes into a lawyer's office and says "I want a deevorce, boi jesis."
The lawyer says to him: "Well, I am going to have to ask you a few questions before I can file for divorce on your behalf. First, do you have grounds?"
"A-Course I have grounds," says the farmer. "Oi'm a farmer, ain't I? I have 400 acres of the best bottom land in the county... room enough for corn, cows and even some sheep."
"No, no," says the lawyer. "That's not what I mean. What I meant to ask is 'Do you have a case?'"
"Not on your life," responds the farmer. "I wouldn't own one-a them pieces of junk. I've got a John Deere. Now there's a foin piece of 'quipment as there ever was. Got a diesel 40 Horse with a bucket and she'll pull all day long."
"You're missing my point," said the lawyer. "Let me give you an example. Let's see... was your wife a nagger?"
"Hell no," says the farmer. "But she slep with a nagger and that's why I want the deevorce!"
Gonna burn for that one...
Cheers,
Sirhr
The lawyer says to him: "Well, I am going to have to ask you a few questions before I can file for divorce on your behalf. First, do you have grounds?"
"A-Course I have grounds," says the farmer. "Oi'm a farmer, ain't I? I have 400 acres of the best bottom land in the county... room enough for corn, cows and even some sheep."
"No, no," says the lawyer. "That's not what I mean. What I meant to ask is 'Do you have a case?'"
"Not on your life," responds the farmer. "I wouldn't own one-a them pieces of junk. I've got a John Deere. Now there's a foin piece of 'quipment as there ever was. Got a diesel 40 Horse with a bucket and she'll pull all day long."
"You're missing my point," said the lawyer. "Let me give you an example. Let's see... was your wife a nagger?"
"Hell no," says the farmer. "But she slep with a nagger and that's why I want the deevorce!"
Gonna burn for that one...
Cheers,
Sirhr
An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed "hey old woman, have you ever danced?" the old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to".
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now" and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector -not wanting to get her toe blown off- started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's behind?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said "No ma'am... But... I've always wanted to".
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed "hey old woman, have you ever danced?" the old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to".
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now" and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector -not wanting to get her toe blown off- started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's behind?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said "No ma'am... But... I've always wanted to".
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked 'How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said "About 2 hours". The guy left but did not return that day.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said "About 3 hours". The guy left and again, did not return that day.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said "About an hour and a half". The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said "Hey, Bob, do me a favour follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes from laughing and said "Your house!"
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said "About 3 hours". The guy left and again, did not return that day.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said "About an hour and a half". The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said "Hey, Bob, do me a favour follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes from laughing and said "Your house!"
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks "What are them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my!" she cries "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks. "Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband, panting a little, asks "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No" the bride replies "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks "What are them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my!" she cries "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks. "Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband, panting a little, asks "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No" the bride replies "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot. Would you believe her sister had it all this time!!
barney, does that have some thing to do with Relative Humidity? FM
G'day FM, maybe with the sister I did not need to roll her in flour and look for the damp spot?
Relative humidity is what's trickling down the in side of your sister in law's thigh after you have had your way with her.
Now I understand, here are a couple more....
Text from daughter to mum: "Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?" Mum replies: "Hi, it's nice you can send me such a frank text without feeling embarrassed, no you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years, it'll just wash out. Reply text from daughter: "Oh my god, I meant to spell GUM!"
--
I walked into my nans bedroom and caught her sucking my grandads cock. I said "Aaarrrgh nan that's disgusting". She said "No it's not, it's perfectly normal" I said "No nan its wrong, you should have buried it with the rest of him".
--
Text from daughter to mum: "Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?" Mum replies: "Hi, it's nice you can send me such a frank text without feeling embarrassed, no you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years, it'll just wash out. Reply text from daughter: "Oh my god, I meant to spell GUM!"
--
I walked into my nans bedroom and caught her sucking my grandads cock. I said "Aaarrrgh nan that's disgusting". She said "No it's not, it's perfectly normal" I said "No nan its wrong, you should have buried it with the rest of him".
--
Similar threads
