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Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor

A bus rolls over and all the teenage convent school girls are killed. As they stand in line at the pearly gates, God asks the first girl "have you ever touched a penis?" The girl replies, " only with this finger" . God instucts her to dip the finger in Holy water and then she may enter.
The next girl is asked the same question and she replies " this hand has stroked a penis". She is then instructed to dip her hand in the Holy water as she enters the pearly gates.
Suddenly a girl further down the line starts pushing past another and God says " no need to rush, we have eternity here!" The girl says promptly, "I'm not sticking my face in there after she's had her ass in it!!".
 
Pedophile claims to have won the lottery on the us- Mexican border. When asked how, he said he had never screwed a 12 year old and had his cock sucked by a fetus at the same time!
 
Just saw this today!
 

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Not sure if it's up here yet. But..
What's the difference between a ______ and a large pepperoni pizza?

The pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.
 
Worst joke I've ever heard:

What's the best part about fucking a 9 year old girl? If you turn her over she looks like a 9 year old boy.

Ok, I'm leaving now.
 
Guy walks into a crowded bar with a M1911 loaded with 7 rounds and hollers "OK...who's been phuckin my wife?" Voice from the back hollers...."You need more ammo!"
 
Why not have my first post be in this thread. Heard this one at work long ago.


What's the difference between a black guy and a tire?
.
.
The tire doesn't sing when I throw chains on it.

Sent from a grassy knoll at 2,800 ft/s
 
Guy is sitting in a bar talking to his buddy. "I picked up a girl last night by the pond and at the train tracks. We went to my house and had the most incredible sex of my life. We made love in the bedroom, the kitchen, the living room, even the garage. It was amazing!"

Buddy asks "Was she good lookin'?"

Guy says "I dunno, never found her head."
 
One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.


Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early?
What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee" she said

"Where?" he asked.


"Between the first and second hole" she replied.


He nodded knowingly and said... "Then you need to tighten up your stance!"
 
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Jim's wife has Huge, natural breasts. Truly beautifully formed.
Jim's neighbor, Bob, has a great lust for her tits.
So, one day when he was well into his cups, Bob says to Jim, "I'd give a hundred dollars to kiss your wife's tits".
Jim was incensed, and flung a shit storm on Bob.
"How could you say such a thing about your best friend's wife? After all these years of our friendship you insult me like this?"

Jim went home and angrily tells his wife about what Bob said. It made her mad too.
After some thought, she decided that with their need for cash, it might not be such a bad idea. Wouldn't hurt a thing.
So, Jim called Bob over and told him that he could kiss his wife's tits, once on each tit, for a hundred dollars.
Bob agreed.
Jim's wife opened her blouse and exposed those luscious mounds and Bob just stared. "Kiss 'em Bob" said Jim. "Kiss 'em."

So Bob pressed his face between her breasts, pulled them around his face and motor boated, "bubububububububububububu"
"Kiss 'em Bob."
"bububububububububububububububububu, Jim, you know I don't have that kind of money!!"
 
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner" said the snake "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want".

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding". The rattlesnake said "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes".

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted "My God, I forgot I was riding the mare!"
 
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Wendy was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes, and Wendy was among them.

The police took them outside and lined them up along the driveway when, suddenly, Wendy's grandma came by.

Grandma asked "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth,
Wendy told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself" and proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed
"Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied "Oh, it's easy, dear.


I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry!"
 
SEXUAL HARASSMENT



Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?




The woman replies, "It's Tony, ...... The dwarf"
 
Not sure if its socially unacceptable, but here is my contribution.

What do you call one Fiat on top of a hill? Unlikely.

What do you call two Fiats on top of a hill? A miracle.

What do you call three Fiats on top of a hill? A dealership.
 
What does anal and your first car have in common?

You might not want it but your dad is going to give it to you any ways.
 
Is that a round about Darwin Award or does she have to
Do that to all her kids to receive it?
 
I have heard many jokes in my lifetime about my name and my appearance. I am Irish and Puerto Rican. I Have Irish traits (red hair and white skin) and a Spanish last name.

The best joke I have heard in almost 50 years was by 2 drill instructors in Paris Island. Meet your DI day. Drill instructor runs up to me and says "What the frick is your name? Ritchey Cunningham? After telling him my name he almost lost it. He asked what my nationality was and I told him. In a second another DI ran up and said "We gotta watch out for this son of a bitch. He will out drink you and still steal your hub caps". Of course I chuckled and started the never ending mountain climbers. They are pretty hard to do when you are laughing.
 
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