1. Kit-Before deploying buy as much gear as possible. This is essential and your coolness with be calculated by your ability to buy the most up to date gear. Don’t have a use for that piece of gear? No problem. As long as the gear has molle on it you are set.
2. Tattoos- Get some, actually get a lot of them. A couple of true crowd pleasers are flames, skulls, spiderwebs, 8 balls, inspiring quotes about how you will never give up and anything tribal. The more menacing the better and make sure they put somewhere on your body where everyone can see them.
3. Apparel- This is quite possibly the most important of all. Go to your local 5.11 dealer and buy one of everything…. Actually scratch that buy 10 of everything in every color. Don’t worry you can afford it, you are a baller contractor now. Also be sure to put on all of your gear BEFORE leaving the US, it’s paramount that you let everyone know in the DC, Atlanta or Dubai airport that you are bad ass and mean business. Added points for having your ID holders with all of your information out for all to see. If you are curious what to wear as an undershirt “who’s your bagdaddy,” “dirka dirkastan”, and something about you being an infidel are all perfect options.
4. House- Buy one, a big one with lots of extras like a pool, 5 car garage and an insanely large TV. You will need somewhere for your wife and her boyfriend to live while you are away so make sure it’s nice. Not sure what you can afford? A good rule of thumb when buying a house is to take your yearly average income and multiply it by 3 and that is what you can safely afford. Since you are a rich contractor and will never be fired or let go due to a change of work go ahead and take what you make in a year and multiply it by 20. This way you are guaranteed to match your newly acquired baller rich lifestyle.
5. Car- What am I thinking? Truck. The bigger the better and make sure to get a good lift kit, loud exhaust, bumper stickers that contain your entire DD-214 and flamed decals. Remember anything under a super charged V-8 is for pussies and you don’t want to be a pussy now that you are a snake eating contractor do you?
6. Harley- Notice I didn’t write Honda, BMW, Kawasaki or anything else lame like that. Get something big with a loud exhaust. Don’t worry if you don’t know how to ride one either, chances are your wife’s boyfriend does and he will be able to keep it running for you while you’re gone.
7. Watch- Go to your nearest Rolex retailer and buy a submariner, make sure it’s brand new and really expensive. Everyone needs to know you make a lot of money and that is the best way to prove it. If it’s not a Rolex then make sure it’s big, bright and easily identifiable as something that a rich person would wear by anyone not accustomed to your gangster ass lifestyle.
8. Savings- Don’t do it, you will just be wasting your time since you are getting more money next month and lots of it. If you are confused on ways to spend it I recommend going to Vegas, Thailand or the Philippines and throwing it at strippers and other minions who don’t make as much you.
9. Tap Out Shirts- Can’t fight? No problem!! You don’t need to train for years… remember that Jiu Jitsu class that you took 3 years ago but were too tired to finish? That is all you need to start wearing a bunch of fight clothes… maybe everyone will think you’re actually sponsored!!
10. Supplements- Anything that sounds like ‘Jacked-Up Fuck Monster’, ‘Energy Fist’, ‘Stronger, Deeper, and Definitely not-Gay’, and ‘Mega Mass Monster Bench Press’ will do. It is irrelevant if it actually works, just buy it, and have it sitting out on your night stand… much respect (besides, you’ll be doing steroids anyway). And remember, if its herbal, cleansing, vitamins, or overall health and wellness related you will look like a giant pussy.
*Notice: Before getting upset that you may fit into one or more of these categories this post was written by contractors who fit into several of the categories themselves. The only reason they wrote the blog was because they got bored of playing MW3 and looking at themselves in the mirror and decided to put something together. Got something to add? We want to hear it!
- See more at: Tips for new contractors | RE Factor Tactical Blog
