Troubled Teen

[Trapshooter12]

Let me start this by telling about the first Teen that I helped. Twelve years ago I helped a young man that was my Daughters boyfriend at the time. His parents had kicked him out of the house and he had no place to go except to get introuble. His goal at that time was to be able to finish High School so that he could join the Navy. I told him that if he continued that goal that I would give him a place to live. He worked hard and completed his goal with many achievements and awards while in. He is in the Reserves now and thinking about becoming an Officer. I am very proud of him and he has paid me back by completeing his goal.

Now the second Teen. Once again my daughter is involved. Her boyfriend has a 16yr old daughter (who I call Flu Bug) is a troubled youth. Her mother is a drug addict and has done time and her father I think wishes Flu Bug would just go away. She attempted suicide this summer. My Wife saw her last month and they had a talk. Flu Bug was actually worried about what I thought of her after her attempt. My Wife told her I was very hurt. This girl has bad grades now and is rebellious among other problems.
If my daughter and her boyfriend try to discipline Flu Bug she threatens to call the cops.

My Wife had asked me the other day about bringing Flu Bug down to live with us. This suprised me because I had been thinking of this also. I think this girl just wants someone to care for her and to love her.

I'm not a strict disciplinarian but I don't put up with to much shit.

Has anyone tried to help someone like this before and what to look for. I want to help this girl but not sure I want this in my house. The first teen was easy he had a goal.

 

[Sean the Nailer]

Re: Troubled Teen

That is a heck of a quest, and I commend you for it. The fact that she "cared what you thought of her" helps your scenario. If you didn't matter to her, you won't get through to her at all.

Pray that you keep that status for the duration, and things should go smoother. We don't need to tell you to keep a watchful eye for "opportunities" though.

 

[al redneck]

Re: Troubled Teen

If she is willing to call the cops on her own dad and is a rebel with bad grades and already attempted suicide-you are a moron to bring her into your house ! If your daughter doesn't care enough to get through to her why do you think you can . I am all for helping someone who wants to get their life right but she doesn't sound like this is her goal . I could have said - everything will work out if you have 'love in your heart' like the others have implied but bringing in a troubled, rebellious kid into your home is begging for trouble . If you have to ask on a forum and aren't sure yourself, the answer is no !

david

 

[shankster..]

Re: Troubled Teen

I think you should have a contract with her. List your expectations and rules and explain that violation of those rules is grounds for eviction. If she accepts them (and there will be bumps in the road) then I would recommend you attempting to help a troubled teen that already respects your opinion. She clearly doesn't respect the parent role models she has now. Your daughter is caught between being her dad's girlfriend and attempting to parent his daughter, This is a recipe for disaster.She sounds like she needs a new set of parents, a new environment, and a new start. Her suicide attempt was her crying out for that.

Someone like you that extended kindness like you are describing did it for me and saved my life.


Just something to think about.

 

[Dagsta]

Re: Troubled Teen

Bro, no one can tell you what to do for sure. I would be very cautious at best if I were you. Troubled teens today are a breed of their own. Not knowing your age but I'm 55 and they are nothing like the kids we either raised or grew up with.

Being in LE I can tell you the percentages are slim that at the stage she is in you can make a difference. The one you did make a difference with is rare, but in your case very rewarding and worthy of your efforts.

That being said I commend you for your willingness to help and make a difference. God puts special people on this earth to do special things!!!

 

[christian77]

Re: Troubled Teen

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Trapshooter12</div><div class="ubbcode-body">1. a 16yr old daughter...is a troubled youth...mother is a drug addict and has done time...She attempted suicide this summer...This girl has bad grades now and is rebellious among other problems...

2. If my daughter and her boyfriend try to discipline Flu Bug she threatens to call the cops.

3. My Wife had asked me the other day about bringing Flu Bug down to live with us.</div></div>1. Take her to church...not into your home permanently!

2. What makes you think you would have any more impact than your daughter and her BF who have failed at disciplining the child. I got to tell you TrapS...kids damn sure aren't the same these days. She calls the cops on you for whatever reason (say domestic)...guess what, your firearms ownership could be in jeopardy. Is that bullshit...yes, but a reality...certainly a possibility at the least. Much less the girl is suicidal...even as indifferent as I am, I'd feel at least a little like a putts if someone blew their head off with one of my guns (I reckon I'd feel bad for 5 minutes maybe)

3. Some people need to be saved from themselves...in this case it's you my friend. While you and your wife sound like great folks...maybe the last bastion of good people....I think you are cruisin' for a bruisin' my friend!

 

[Greg Langelius *]

Re: Troubled Teen

Trapshooter;

My Daughter also brought home a few strays. The odds are against success, and more in favor of universal disappointment.

You are fortunate to have enjoyed even the one success. People always do what they want, and any relation between that and what you want is purely coincidental.

The minute you mention drugs, my hackles go up. Believe me, you do not want that stuff anywhere near your household. Flirting with disaster is not something one attempts twice, regardless of first outcomes. Jumping into the deep end of that pool is tantamount to suicidal behavior. Maybe you're the one who needs the counselling. You've already gone well beyond doing your share.

Count yourself lucky, cut your losses, and let the world do what the world does best; educate the losers. Point Flu Bug in the direction of people who have proper training, authority, and resources; and wash your hands. Explain to your Daughter that you're a family, and not a charity.

Greg

 

[High Binder]

Re: Troubled Teen

Yikes, sounds (threatening to call cops) that you might be walking on thin ice with this one even though your heart is in the right place you may end up regretting it.

 

[EventHorizon]

Re: Troubled Teen

This isn't a black or white situation. What I mean is that you can help this a girl a lot without necessarily having to take her into her home and you certainly don't have to wash your hands of her if you don't want to. She's a young girl who's mixed up, not toxic waste.

As a priority though, I'd get to the bottom of why she feels entitled to escape discipline and make threats about calling the cops. While that behavior is going on, there's nothing anyone can do. A child must respect their parents and if that parent is disinterested then that child must still respect some figure of authority or else all is lost.

I'd tell her that she needs to prove to others and herself that she can handle constructive criticism and adhere to rules and discipline before you consider getting involved further in her life. Agree with her and her dad to this set up and see how she does. This will hopefully get her dad re-motivated to be dad to a daughter who hopefully will be more amenable to direction. This in itself sets some goals for her. Small goals, incrementally, add up as I'm sure you're already aware.

Teenagers, especially girls, can get caught up in their drama of their own lives and fail to see where they need to start to get things going in the right direction. Reveal that path ten paces at a time and it becomes a lot simpler and conceivable for them. Not saying it's easy, just saying if you want to help, then you can.

Regardless, I thank you for your efforts and for not being apathetic. God bless you and your wife.

 

[socalsheepdog]

Re: Troubled Teen

No offense but if I read this right you are heading into your "Golden Years" and that means you are at the age where you don't have to share you gold with your kids anymore (unless you like them). But I can tell you that when you have a disrespectful kid who lacks discipline and self control, it is very difficult to change that. You hit the nail on the head when you said your previous success story had a "GOAL". That is is a win, no goals in life is a fail. I would say do your best to help but do not commit your gold to it or at least wait to see if things can improve with your influence.

 

[eli polite]

Re: Troubled Teen

if you bring her in don't be her dad or her friend. just let her know you care and are willing to help as long as she helps he self. a roof over her head and 3 meals a day. at 16 she has to realize that the real world is coming fast and it wont pause for her.

if she is in school require that she is at school every day and dropping out is not an option in the summer she has to hold a job.

i was one of those kids i left home when i was 17. i graduated high school on my own while working a full time job and renting a room i found in the news paper. i paid for my piece of crap car and the insurance. i missed a lot because of that and i had to grow up way to fast some times all a kid need is for some one to believe in them. it sounds like this girl feels like no one cares or believes in her. sit down with her tell her you have done this before tell her about the boy you helped and where he is now. tell her she can have and do what ever she wants if she go's out there and gets it and you believe that she can.

 

[janejana]

Re: Troubled Teen

Be kind and be honest at the same time. Talk to them and listen. teach them right from wrong. Tell them that you care and that you at their side, if they need to talk. If this doesn't work try to send them to either counseling, a private school or programs for troubled teens. That could help them recover from being a troubled kids. FOr more help and information visit this website.

 

[ponchair]

Re: Troubled Teen

Some people need a purpose, and she is lacking any reason to be on this Earth. Being troubled is one thing, but suicidal is another. This is delicate, and maybe impossible at this time, to get through to her.

Give her something to do, to enjoy, to take comfort in. She needs to focus on something to take the pain away. In her case that's drugs; help her find an alternative, and a purpose.

All you can probably do at this point is love her and comfort her, but doing more than that would be victimizing yourself.

Give her a hand when she needs one, but not your whole arm...

You are a good man.

 

[mexicanmatch]

Re: Troubled Teen

When a student is ready the teacher will appear. Hard choice to make. A sit down face to face will help both of you understand where each is coming from, lay down the rules of the house and see how she reacts. To help a youth out in these times is different then 10 yrs ago. What sticks in my mind is her threatening to call the cops and we all know how that can tear a family apart not to mention the cost to defend your self. I wish you luck from the bottom of my heart on this situation and will pray for a positive outcome. MM

 

[ArcticLight]

Re: Troubled Teen

Get em in a dojo 3 days a week.

Give it about a month and you'll start to see them become proud of something they are doing.

I have seen MANY troubled kids come to our dojo, and about 85% of them are doing OK now.

 

[stefan73]

Re: Troubled Teen

Suicide attempt aka cry for help? Possibly?

Maybe you can help, and maybe you can't.
I would suggest that if you procede that you establish strict boundries, rules and hold fast to them. I would also suggest that you help her to establish goals that are realistic, feasable and help her work to them.

I would take more time to assess the situation/her before making a decision like what you are thinking about. Maybe you can salvage her and maybe you can't. Its worth a try, just be careful and understand that she might be already far to lost or she might realize what she is being given after the fact aka you can't always win (so be careful).

Its an honorable thing that you have done.

Your girls boyfriend. He wants to become an officer? He might want to think about college ROTC and if his grades are good he can use the ROTC scholarship to help him out. He can also apply his Montgomery GI Bill towards school.

Good luck!

What you are doing and have done is truly noble!

 

[smokshwn]

Re: Troubled Teen

+1 on DK's advice.

You sound sincere, and I commend your intentions. But you have hit your one homerun helping a troubled teen. In my experience that is 1 more than most people who make a living working with teens can take credit for.

While I agree she needs love, love will not fix the issues she is exhibiting. There are some serious issues here and I would bet dollars to doughnuts that it involves sexual/physical abuse that has gone long untreated. This isn't something that hugs and secure home cures. Especially not at this point, as her ability and propensity to choose self injurious and risky behavior are at a peak and will continue to be omnipresent for the next several years.

 

[Clamber]

Re: Troubled Teen

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: EventHorizon</div><div class="ubbcode-body">This isn't a black or white situation. What I mean is that you can help this a girl a lot without necessarily having to take her into her home and you certainly don't have to wash your hands of her if you don't want to. She's a young girl who's mixed up, not toxic waste.

As a priority though, I'd get to the bottom of why she feels entitled to escape discipline and make threats about calling the cops. While that behavior is going on, there's nothing anyone can do. A child must respect their parents and if that parent is disinterested then that child must still respect some figure of authority or else all is lost.

I'd tell her that she needs to prove to others and herself that she can handle constructive criticism and adhere to rules and discipline before you consider getting involved further in her life. Agree with her and her dad to this set up and see how she does. This will hopefully get her dad re-motivated to be dad to a daughter who hopefully will be more amenable to direction. This in itself sets some goals for her. Small goals, incrementally, add up as I'm sure you're already aware.

Teenagers, especially girls, can get caught up in their drama of their own lives and fail to see where they need to start to get things going in the right direction. Reveal that path ten paces at a time and it becomes a lot simpler and conceivable for them. Not saying it's easy, just saying if you want to help, then you can.

Regardless, I thank you for your efforts and for not being apathetic. God bless you and your wife.</div></div>


X2

 

[Clamber]

Re: Troubled Teen

Also, all you said was "rebellious" and bad grades, that doesnt say much. More detail would help.

You should sit down with her and talk to her about it. Get an idea of how she feels.