All jokes and humorous posts welcome!
Maggie’s The Funny Thread
- Thread starter Wolfish365
- Start date
Re: The Funny Thread
Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns Over Woman...
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns Over Woman...
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
G
Guest
Guest
Re: The Funny Thread
You just started a thread based on the same theme of the sub-forum in which you started it.
Keep fucking around and the Universe will implode.
Damned Mayans.
You just started a thread based on the same theme of the sub-forum in which you started it.
Keep fucking around and the Universe will implode.
Damned Mayans.
Re: The Funny Thread
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: tucker301</div><div class="ubbcode-body">You just started a thread based on the same theme of the sub-forum in which you started it.
<span style="color: #FF0000"> Keep fucking around and the Universe will implode.</span>
Damned Mayans. </div></div>
That would be an interesting event to watch.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: tucker301</div><div class="ubbcode-body">You just started a thread based on the same theme of the sub-forum in which you started it.
<span style="color: #FF0000"> Keep fucking around and the Universe will implode.</span>
Damned Mayans. </div></div>
That would be an interesting event to watch.
Re: The Funny Thread
Those jokes are just terrible guys, you should try harder next time
Those jokes are just terrible guys, you should try harder next time
Re: The Funny Thread
-How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up!
-
Q: What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
A: John Wayne is dead, but Jack Daniels still kills lots of Indians every year.
-How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up!
-
Q: What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
A: John Wayne is dead, but Jack Daniels still kills lots of Indians every year.
Re: The Funny Thread
What do you say to a woman that just gets out of the Battered Women's Shelter?
To do the f#$ng dishes if you know what's good for you!
What's the difference between anal sex and a fridge?
When you pull the meat out of the fridge, it won't fart in your face.
A Mexican and African American are riding in a car, who's driving?
The cop.
What's green and flies over Poland?
Peter Panski.
How do you get an Sunni girl pregnant?
C*m in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
<span style="color: #FF0000"> What did Davie Crockett say to Sam Houston, when he saw Santa Anna's Army coming?
"I didn't know we were pouring concrete today?"</span>
If youve ever lived in Texas youll know why I put that last one in red.
What do you say to a woman that just gets out of the Battered Women's Shelter?
To do the f#$ng dishes if you know what's good for you!
What's the difference between anal sex and a fridge?
When you pull the meat out of the fridge, it won't fart in your face.
A Mexican and African American are riding in a car, who's driving?
The cop.
What's green and flies over Poland?
Peter Panski.
How do you get an Sunni girl pregnant?
C*m in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
<span style="color: #FF0000"> What did Davie Crockett say to Sam Houston, when he saw Santa Anna's Army coming?
"I didn't know we were pouring concrete today?"</span>
If youve ever lived in Texas youll know why I put that last one in red.
Re: The Funny Thread
A guy is spending a quick morning fishing before work, he stays too long and has to push the limit to get to work on time as he crosses a bridge he sees a cop working radar and knows he's caught.
The cop approaches him and says, "you know how fast you were goin?"
The guys says I know I was going too fast but I am late for work cause I fished a little too long, can I get a break this time maybe?"
The cop says, "yeah right pal no break for you, you screwed up big time!" "I don't give breaks to law breakers"
Cop fills out the ticket and says, "where do you work?"
Guy says, " I work at a proctologist's office"
Cop say, "what the hell do you do there?"
Guy says, "I stretch assholes"
Cop says, "You do what?"
Guy says, "yeah I stretch assholes and in fact I am one of the best in the state and I can actually stretch an asshole to six feet?"
Cop says, "what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole"
Guy says, "Give him a radar gun and have him work the bridge."
A guy is spending a quick morning fishing before work, he stays too long and has to push the limit to get to work on time as he crosses a bridge he sees a cop working radar and knows he's caught.
The cop approaches him and says, "you know how fast you were goin?"
The guys says I know I was going too fast but I am late for work cause I fished a little too long, can I get a break this time maybe?"
The cop says, "yeah right pal no break for you, you screwed up big time!" "I don't give breaks to law breakers"
Cop fills out the ticket and says, "where do you work?"
Guy says, " I work at a proctologist's office"
Cop say, "what the hell do you do there?"
Guy says, "I stretch assholes"
Cop says, "You do what?"
Guy says, "yeah I stretch assholes and in fact I am one of the best in the state and I can actually stretch an asshole to six feet?"
Cop says, "what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole"
Guy says, "Give him a radar gun and have him work the bridge."
Re: The Funny Thread
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker
told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150."
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead."
" I just can't take that chance."
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker
told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150."
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead."
" I just can't take that chance."
Re: The Funny Thread
Cowboy in a Gay Bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a Gay bar.
"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan
'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man
looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "'because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
"'Quality is Job One" " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' " And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!
Cowboy in a Gay Bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a Gay bar.
"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan
'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man
looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "'because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
"'Quality is Job One" " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' " And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!
Re: The Funny Thread
Once upon a time, a Navy pilot asked a beautiful princess,
"Will you marry me?" And the princess said, "No!"
And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and played golf and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard any bitching and never paid any child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover pizza, potato chips and beans and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up . . .
The end.
Once upon a time, a Navy pilot asked a beautiful princess,
"Will you marry me?" And the princess said, "No!"
And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and played golf and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard any bitching and never paid any child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover pizza, potato chips and beans and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up . . .
The end.
Re: The Funny Thread
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday". I thought...well that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office my secretary Jane said, "good morning, boss, happy birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said " you know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said " Thanks Jane that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. lets go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office Jane said " You know it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded. " I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said lets go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss. if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "OK" I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there..
On the couch...
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday". I thought...well that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office my secretary Jane said, "good morning, boss, happy birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said " you know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said " Thanks Jane that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. lets go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office Jane said " You know it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded. " I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said lets go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss. if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "OK" I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there..
On the couch...
Naked.
Re: The Funny Thread
Haha, okay. Admittedly those are pretty funny. But I don't see anything that really takes the cake. Keep trying guys
P.S. Some of those posts are kind of, err, funny - but not the way I meant. LMAO
Haha, okay. Admittedly those are pretty funny. But I don't see anything that really takes the cake. Keep trying guys
P.S. Some of those posts are kind of, err, funny - but not the way I meant. LMAO
Re: The Funny Thread
A sailor, in port, walks into a bar and asks the bartender where the women are.
Bartender: Well, there aren’t any women around here.
Sailor: What do the people around there do for sex?
Bartender: Well, we do have a china-boy.
Sailor: Hell no! I’m not into that shit!
So, the sailor leaves the bar and back to the ship. Several weeks later, the sailor is back into the same port. He decides to check in at the bar to see if things have changed.
Sailor: Hey bartender, do ya’ll have any women around here now?
Bartender: Nope, but we’ve still got the china-boy.
Sailor: I’m not into that kinda shit, but I guess if that’s’ the best you have….
Bartender: I understand; I’ll go get the china-boy.
Sailor: Bartender, what are you going to do with that rope?
Bartender: The china-boy ain’t into that kinda shit either.
A sailor, in port, walks into a bar and asks the bartender where the women are.
Bartender: Well, there aren’t any women around here.
Sailor: What do the people around there do for sex?
Bartender: Well, we do have a china-boy.
Sailor: Hell no! I’m not into that shit!
So, the sailor leaves the bar and back to the ship. Several weeks later, the sailor is back into the same port. He decides to check in at the bar to see if things have changed.
Sailor: Hey bartender, do ya’ll have any women around here now?
Bartender: Nope, but we’ve still got the china-boy.
Sailor: I’m not into that kinda shit, but I guess if that’s’ the best you have….
Bartender: I understand; I’ll go get the china-boy.
Sailor: Bartender, what are you going to do with that rope?
Bartender: The china-boy ain’t into that kinda shit either.
Re: The Funny Thread
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Wolfish365</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Haha, okay. Admittedly those are pretty funny. But I don't see anything that really takes the cake. Keep trying guys
P.S. Some of those posts are kind of, err, funny - but not the way I meant. LMAO </div></div>
You havent been around long enough Wolfish. Unfortunately, to reach "Take the Cake" status, also invokes the risk of achieveing another status.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Wolfish365</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Haha, okay. Admittedly those are pretty funny. But I don't see anything that really takes the cake. Keep trying guys
P.S. Some of those posts are kind of, err, funny - but not the way I meant. LMAO </div></div>
You havent been around long enough Wolfish. Unfortunately, to reach "Take the Cake" status, also invokes the risk of achieveing another status.
Re: The Funny Thread
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Gag.....
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Gag.....
Re: The Funny Thread
I was sitting in a restaurant when a beautiful Thai girl came in and sat down. Short skirt, low cleavage and she kept looking at me and flashing more skin. I kept saying to myself "please don't get a hard on, please don't get a hard on", but she did.
I was sitting in a restaurant when a beautiful Thai girl came in and sat down. Short skirt, low cleavage and she kept looking at me and flashing more skin. I kept saying to myself "please don't get a hard on, please don't get a hard on", but she did.
Re: The Funny Thread
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Re: The Funny Thread
A man goes duck hunting one morning, gets a few and his wife cooks them for supper that evening. Later on, after supper their daughter comes to the wife and tells her that she has a problem. She tells her Mom she pissed out a BB. Her Mom tells her she'll be OK, it's just birdshot from the duck. A few minutes later, the other daughter tells her she has a problem. She tells her she pissed out a BB. Her Mom tells her she'll be OK, it's birdshot, she'll be fine. Later the son walks in and tells his Mom he has a problem. She says, "I know, you pissed out a BB, you'll be OK.". He said, "No, I was on the back porch jerking off and shot the dog."..........
A man goes duck hunting one morning, gets a few and his wife cooks them for supper that evening. Later on, after supper their daughter comes to the wife and tells her that she has a problem. She tells her Mom she pissed out a BB. Her Mom tells her she'll be OK, it's just birdshot from the duck. A few minutes later, the other daughter tells her she has a problem. She tells her she pissed out a BB. Her Mom tells her she'll be OK, it's birdshot, she'll be fine. Later the son walks in and tells his Mom he has a problem. She says, "I know, you pissed out a BB, you'll be OK.". He said, "No, I was on the back porch jerking off and shot the dog."..........
Re: The Funny Thread
Rich doctor moves to a new community and falls in love with the town whore and asks her to marry him. She gladly accepts but is leary of him finding out about her past. She asks her mom, who was the town whore before her, "what am I to do on our honeymoon when he has sex with me for the first time and finds out my pussy is as big as a horses collar...he thinks I am a pure virgin". Her mother proceeds to tell her to "do the same thing I did when I married your father,get him sloppy drunk first, put on a garter belt and snap it when he slides his manhood in. He will hear the sound and think he popped your cherry."
They get married and on the night of their honeymoon she takes her mothers advice and gets him drunk and puts on her sexiest nightie and garter. The "mood" hits him and he decides to claim his prize and when he slides his dick inside her she reaches down and snap-pops her garter belt. At that very moment the doctor screams "WHAT IN THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?" She replies back "that was just my cherry popping!" He then screams back "WELL, POP IT AGAIN....IT's GOT MY FUCKING SACK!!!!!"
Rich doctor moves to a new community and falls in love with the town whore and asks her to marry him. She gladly accepts but is leary of him finding out about her past. She asks her mom, who was the town whore before her, "what am I to do on our honeymoon when he has sex with me for the first time and finds out my pussy is as big as a horses collar...he thinks I am a pure virgin". Her mother proceeds to tell her to "do the same thing I did when I married your father,get him sloppy drunk first, put on a garter belt and snap it when he slides his manhood in. He will hear the sound and think he popped your cherry."
They get married and on the night of their honeymoon she takes her mothers advice and gets him drunk and puts on her sexiest nightie and garter. The "mood" hits him and he decides to claim his prize and when he slides his dick inside her she reaches down and snap-pops her garter belt. At that very moment the doctor screams "WHAT IN THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?" She replies back "that was just my cherry popping!" He then screams back "WELL, POP IT AGAIN....IT's GOT MY FUCKING SACK!!!!!"
Re: The Funny Thread
Friendly FYI. If you're going to google the actor Gary Oldman...for the love of god, don't forget the "r".
Friendly FYI. If you're going to google the actor Gary Oldman...for the love of god, don't forget the "r".
Re: The Funny Thread
Junior comes home with a class project and asks his dear trusted dad to help.
"Dad", he says, "Please define the difference between <span style="font-weight: bold">possibly</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold">definitely</span>".
Dear dad scratches his head and thinks on it a bit, and replies "OK,
go upstairs and ask your mother if she would screw the mailman for
a million bucks".
Junior takes dads advice and journeys upstairs to ask mom the question.
Upon returning dad asks Junior moms reply. Junior tells dad that mom's answer
is "yes", she will do the deed with the postie for a million bucks.
"Hmmm", dad replies and tells Junior to now go downstairs and ask sis the same question. Junior does and upon returning tells dad that she would also fuck
the mailman for a million bucks.
"OK Junior, here is the difference between possibly and definitely" says dad.
"We could <span style="font-weight: bold">possibly</span> become 2 million dollars richer, but we are <span style="font-weight: bold">definitely </span>living with two whores".
Junior comes home with a class project and asks his dear trusted dad to help.
"Dad", he says, "Please define the difference between <span style="font-weight: bold">possibly</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold">definitely</span>".
Dear dad scratches his head and thinks on it a bit, and replies "OK,
go upstairs and ask your mother if she would screw the mailman for
a million bucks".
Junior takes dads advice and journeys upstairs to ask mom the question.
Upon returning dad asks Junior moms reply. Junior tells dad that mom's answer
is "yes", she will do the deed with the postie for a million bucks.
"Hmmm", dad replies and tells Junior to now go downstairs and ask sis the same question. Junior does and upon returning tells dad that she would also fuck
the mailman for a million bucks.
"OK Junior, here is the difference between possibly and definitely" says dad.
"We could <span style="font-weight: bold">possibly</span> become 2 million dollars richer, but we are <span style="font-weight: bold">definitely </span>living with two whores".
Re: The Funny Thread
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: pdogsbeware</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Friendly FYI. If you're going to google the actor Gary Oldman...for the love of god, don't forget the "r". </div></div>
LMAO!
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: pdogsbeware</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Friendly FYI. If you're going to google the actor Gary Oldman...for the love of god, don't forget the "r". </div></div>
LMAO!
Re: The Funny Thread
A mailman is due to retire and is performing his rounds for the last time. All of the neighbors on his route thought it would be nice to give him something special for his impeccable service.
At the first house, the woman gives him fresh baked cookies.
At the second home, the man gives him a bottle of wine.
When he gets to the third house he finds a beautiful blond woman standing in the doorway wearing nothing but a black lace bra and thong. Without saying a word, she takes him by the hand and leads him up the stairs. She undresses him and they proceed to have the best sex he’s ever had. After they finish, she puts on a robe, tells him to get dressed, and meet her down in the kitchen.
When he gets down stairs he finds a great big plate of eggs, pancakes, bacon, and toast on the kitchen table. Next to the plate he sees a dollar bill.
He says to the woman, “I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but what’s with the dollar bill?”
The blond turns and says, “When I asked my husband what we should do for your retirement, he said “fuck him, give him a dollar.” The breakfast was my idea.”
A mailman is due to retire and is performing his rounds for the last time. All of the neighbors on his route thought it would be nice to give him something special for his impeccable service.
At the first house, the woman gives him fresh baked cookies.
At the second home, the man gives him a bottle of wine.
When he gets to the third house he finds a beautiful blond woman standing in the doorway wearing nothing but a black lace bra and thong. Without saying a word, she takes him by the hand and leads him up the stairs. She undresses him and they proceed to have the best sex he’s ever had. After they finish, she puts on a robe, tells him to get dressed, and meet her down in the kitchen.
When he gets down stairs he finds a great big plate of eggs, pancakes, bacon, and toast on the kitchen table. Next to the plate he sees a dollar bill.
He says to the woman, “I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but what’s with the dollar bill?”
The blond turns and says, “When I asked my husband what we should do for your retirement, he said “fuck him, give him a dollar.” The breakfast was my idea.”
Re: The Funny Thread
Tee shirt seen at a Ohio State football game....
I would rather take a shower at Penn State then go to Michigan.
Tee shirt seen at a Ohio State football game....
I would rather take a shower at Penn State then go to Michigan.
Re: The Funny Thread
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Decoy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Tee shirt seen at a Ohio State football game....
I would rather take a shower at Penn State then go to Michigan. </div></div>
Remember these? I used to have one back when I went to Tech and Michael Vick got in all that dog fighting stuff. The dog on the shirt is Lassie, or whatever they call that dog from Texas A&M.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Decoy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Tee shirt seen at a Ohio State football game....
I would rather take a shower at Penn State then go to Michigan. </div></div>
Remember these? I used to have one back when I went to Tech and Michael Vick got in all that dog fighting stuff. The dog on the shirt is Lassie, or whatever they call that dog from Texas A&M.
Re: The Funny Thread
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: m14er</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Junior comes home with a class project and asks his dear trusted dad to help.
"Dad", he says, "Please define the difference between <span style="font-weight: bold">possibly</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold">definitely</span>".
Dear dad scratches his head and thinks on it a bit, and replies "OK,
go upstairs and ask your mother if she would screw the mailman for
a million bucks".
Junior takes dads advice and journeys upstairs to ask mom the question.
Upon returning dad asks Junior moms reply. Junior tells dad that mom's answer
is "yes", she will do the deed with the postie for a million bucks.
"Hmmm", dad replies and tells Junior to now go downstairs and ask sis the same question. Junior does and upon returning tells dad that she would also fuck
the mailman for a million bucks.
"OK Junior, here is the difference between possibly and definitely" says dad.
"We could <span style="font-weight: bold">possibly</span> become 2 million dollars richer, but we are <span style="font-weight: bold">definitely </span>living with two whores".</div></div>
Lol that was good
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: m14er</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Junior comes home with a class project and asks his dear trusted dad to help.
"Dad", he says, "Please define the difference between <span style="font-weight: bold">possibly</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold">definitely</span>".
Dear dad scratches his head and thinks on it a bit, and replies "OK,
go upstairs and ask your mother if she would screw the mailman for
a million bucks".
Junior takes dads advice and journeys upstairs to ask mom the question.
Upon returning dad asks Junior moms reply. Junior tells dad that mom's answer
is "yes", she will do the deed with the postie for a million bucks.
"Hmmm", dad replies and tells Junior to now go downstairs and ask sis the same question. Junior does and upon returning tells dad that she would also fuck
the mailman for a million bucks.
"OK Junior, here is the difference between possibly and definitely" says dad.
"We could <span style="font-weight: bold">possibly</span> become 2 million dollars richer, but we are <span style="font-weight: bold">definitely </span>living with two whores".</div></div>
Lol that was good
Re: The Funny Thread
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: maggot</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
<span style="color: #FF0000"> What did Davie Crockett say to Sam Houston, when he saw Santa Anna's Army coming?
"I didn't know we were pouring concrete today?"</span>
If youve ever lived in Texas youll know why I put that last one in red. </div></div>
Crockett was dead before Houston caught up to Santa Anna. Use Bowie or Travis instead.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: maggot</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
<span style="color: #FF0000"> What did Davie Crockett say to Sam Houston, when he saw Santa Anna's Army coming?
"I didn't know we were pouring concrete today?"</span>
If youve ever lived in Texas youll know why I put that last one in red. </div></div>
Crockett was dead before Houston caught up to Santa Anna. Use Bowie or Travis instead.
Re: The Funny Thread
Great jokes......if only I could remember them.
Great jokes......if only I could remember them.
Re: The Funny Thread
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ditchdigger</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: maggot</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
<span style="color: #FF0000"> What did Davie Crockett say to Sam Houston, when he saw Santa Anna's Army coming?
"I didn't know we were pouring concrete today?"</span>
If youve ever lived in Texas youll know why I put that last one in red. </div></div>
Crockett was dead before Houston caught up to Santa Anna. Use Bowie or Travis instead. </div></div>
Actually I was thinking of watching hordes of Chicanos show up at a construction site, but good point.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ditchdigger</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: maggot</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
<span style="color: #FF0000"> What did Davie Crockett say to Sam Houston, when he saw Santa Anna's Army coming?
"I didn't know we were pouring concrete today?"</span>
If youve ever lived in Texas youll know why I put that last one in red. </div></div>
Crockett was dead before Houston caught up to Santa Anna. Use Bowie or Travis instead. </div></div>
Actually I was thinking of watching hordes of Chicanos show up at a construction site, but good point.
Re: The Funny Thread
<object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"> </embed></object>
<object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"> </embed></object>
Re: The Funny Thread
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: slowkota</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> <object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"> </embed></object> </div></div>
How did she even stay awake! He brought that from the floor with a foot or two of follow through.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: slowkota</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> <object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"> </embed></object> </div></div>
How did she even stay awake! He brought that from the floor with a foot or two of follow through.
Re: The Funny Thread
Lol!!! I don't even know how her head remained attached!!!
I guess if you don't have a brain, it's hard to get knocked out.
Lol!!! I don't even know how her head remained attached!!!
I guess if you don't have a brain, it's hard to get knocked out.
Re: The Funny Thread
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: slowkota</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> <object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"> </embed></object> </div></div>
Soooo classy.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: slowkota</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> <object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"> </embed></object> </div></div>
Soooo classy.
Re: The Funny Thread
She must have been used to that crap where she comes from.
She must have been used to that crap where she comes from.
Re: The Funny Thread
What do you call a cow that just ate a grenade? Abominable.
What do you call a cow that just ate a grenade? Abominable.
Re: The Funny Thread
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: slowkota</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> <object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"> </embed></object> </div></div>
Oooh yeah, that was classy!
Reminds me of the first time I saw a guy get hit with a set of brass knuckles - exploding face.... and straight to the floor.
Not nearly as much trash talking after either.....
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: slowkota</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> <object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-14O1aqVDo&feature=player_embedded" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"> </embed></object> </div></div>
Oooh yeah, that was classy!
Reminds me of the first time I saw a guy get hit with a set of brass knuckles - exploding face.... and straight to the floor.
Not nearly as much trash talking after either.....
Re: The Funny Thread
Wow, she had to have some loose teeth after that.
Wow, she had to have some loose teeth after that.
Re: The Funny Thread
Three duck hunters were walking back to the farm after their morning hunt. Since they each had one duck and plenty of meat in the freezer, they decided to see who could make the most money for selling their duck. So, they split up with plans to meet back at the farm later.
The first hunter finds a house and knocks on the door. A woman answers and he asks her if she would like to purchase his duck. She offers him $10. The hunter agrees, they make the exchange, and he heads back to the farm.
The second hunter finds a home and knocks on the door. A man answers and he asks the man if he would like to purchase this beautiful bird. The man offers him $20. The hunter agrees, they make the exchange, and the hunter heads back to the farm.
The third hunter finds a house and knocks on the door. Unbeknownst to the hunter this is the local whore house and the madam answers the door. He asks her if she would like to purchase his duck. She tells the hunter that she would like the duck, but she doesn’t have any money to pay for it. She offers to have sex with him in exchange for the duck. The hunter agrees and they head off to one of the bedrooms. After they finish, the madam tells the hunter that she really enjoyed the sex and that if they could do it one more time that he could have the duck back. So, once again, they have sex. When they are finished, he gets dressed, and leaves.
As the third hunter is crossing the street in front of the whore house, he accidentally drops the duck on the road and a passing car runs it over. Apologizing to the incident the driver offers to give the hunter $30 for the duck. The hunter takes the money and heads back to the farm.
Later that evening the three hunters are sitting around the dinner table to see who collected the most money for their duck. The first hunter says, “I got $10 for my duck” and looks at the second hunter. All proud, the second hunter says, “Ha, I got $20 for my duck” and looks at the third hunter. The third hunter says with a smile, “Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $30 for a fucked up duck.”
Three duck hunters were walking back to the farm after their morning hunt. Since they each had one duck and plenty of meat in the freezer, they decided to see who could make the most money for selling their duck. So, they split up with plans to meet back at the farm later.
The first hunter finds a house and knocks on the door. A woman answers and he asks her if she would like to purchase his duck. She offers him $10. The hunter agrees, they make the exchange, and he heads back to the farm.
The second hunter finds a home and knocks on the door. A man answers and he asks the man if he would like to purchase this beautiful bird. The man offers him $20. The hunter agrees, they make the exchange, and the hunter heads back to the farm.
The third hunter finds a house and knocks on the door. Unbeknownst to the hunter this is the local whore house and the madam answers the door. He asks her if she would like to purchase his duck. She tells the hunter that she would like the duck, but she doesn’t have any money to pay for it. She offers to have sex with him in exchange for the duck. The hunter agrees and they head off to one of the bedrooms. After they finish, the madam tells the hunter that she really enjoyed the sex and that if they could do it one more time that he could have the duck back. So, once again, they have sex. When they are finished, he gets dressed, and leaves.
As the third hunter is crossing the street in front of the whore house, he accidentally drops the duck on the road and a passing car runs it over. Apologizing to the incident the driver offers to give the hunter $30 for the duck. The hunter takes the money and heads back to the farm.
Later that evening the three hunters are sitting around the dinner table to see who collected the most money for their duck. The first hunter says, “I got $10 for my duck” and looks at the second hunter. All proud, the second hunter says, “Ha, I got $20 for my duck” and looks at the third hunter. The third hunter says with a smile, “Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $30 for a fucked up duck.”
Re: The Funny Thread
What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes trying to find a golf ball!!
What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes trying to find a golf ball!!
Re: The Funny Thread
Jesus Christ and Moses were out playing golf one day when they came up to a 150 yard par 3 with a pond right in front of the green. Moses pulls out a 5 iron, tee’s up the ball, and hits a nice shot that lands a few yards past the hole. Moses then watches as Jesus Christ pulls a 9 iron out of his bag.
Moses says to Jesus, “What do you think you’re doing with that 9 iron. You’ll never clear the water.”
Jesus says, “Every weekend I watch golf on TV and I see Jack Nicholas use a 9 iron to hit the ball 150 yards to land the ball softly on the green. If he can do it, I can do it.”
So Moses shrugs his shoulders and waves him on. Jesus Christ takes the 9 iron, tee’s up his ball, and sure enough, lands the ball right into the pond, well short of the green. Moses, with a smile on his face, says to Jesus Christ, “I told you so. But don’t worry. I’ll go get your ball.”
So, Moses walks down to the water, waves his hands, and the water parts for him. He walks down the bank, into the pond, and retrieves the ball. He then walks back to Jesus Christ and gives it back to him. Jesus Christ then takes the ball and tee’s it up again.
Surprised, Moses says to Jesus, “What are you doing? Didn’t you learn your lesson on the last shot? You’re not going to clear the water with that 9 iron.”
Jesus Christ says, “Look. Every weekend I watch golf on TV and I see Jack Nicholas, on a hole just like this, use a 9 iron to land the ball softly on the green. I’m telling you, if he can do it, I can too.”
Moses, knowing he can’t talk Jesus down, just shakes his head. So, Jesus Christ addresses the ball with his 9 iron and again hit’s it right into the water. This time Jesus is clearly agitated and tells Moses that he will go get his own ball. So, he storms down to the pond and walks out on the water to look for his ball.
Because this is taking so long, the foursome behind has now caught up to them and approach the tee where Moses is standing. They look out toward the green and see a man walking on water. One man turns to Moses and says, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?” Moses turns to the man and says, “No, Jack Nicholas.”
Jesus Christ and Moses were out playing golf one day when they came up to a 150 yard par 3 with a pond right in front of the green. Moses pulls out a 5 iron, tee’s up the ball, and hits a nice shot that lands a few yards past the hole. Moses then watches as Jesus Christ pulls a 9 iron out of his bag.
Moses says to Jesus, “What do you think you’re doing with that 9 iron. You’ll never clear the water.”
Jesus says, “Every weekend I watch golf on TV and I see Jack Nicholas use a 9 iron to hit the ball 150 yards to land the ball softly on the green. If he can do it, I can do it.”
So Moses shrugs his shoulders and waves him on. Jesus Christ takes the 9 iron, tee’s up his ball, and sure enough, lands the ball right into the pond, well short of the green. Moses, with a smile on his face, says to Jesus Christ, “I told you so. But don’t worry. I’ll go get your ball.”
So, Moses walks down to the water, waves his hands, and the water parts for him. He walks down the bank, into the pond, and retrieves the ball. He then walks back to Jesus Christ and gives it back to him. Jesus Christ then takes the ball and tee’s it up again.
Surprised, Moses says to Jesus, “What are you doing? Didn’t you learn your lesson on the last shot? You’re not going to clear the water with that 9 iron.”
Jesus Christ says, “Look. Every weekend I watch golf on TV and I see Jack Nicholas, on a hole just like this, use a 9 iron to land the ball softly on the green. I’m telling you, if he can do it, I can too.”
Moses, knowing he can’t talk Jesus down, just shakes his head. So, Jesus Christ addresses the ball with his 9 iron and again hit’s it right into the water. This time Jesus is clearly agitated and tells Moses that he will go get his own ball. So, he storms down to the pond and walks out on the water to look for his ball.
Because this is taking so long, the foursome behind has now caught up to them and approach the tee where Moses is standing. They look out toward the green and see a man walking on water. One man turns to Moses and says, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?” Moses turns to the man and says, “No, Jack Nicholas.”
Re: The Funny Thread
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ditchdigger</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: maggot</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
<span style="color: #FF0000"> What did Davie Crockett say to Sam Houston, when he saw Santa Anna's Army coming?
"I didn't know we were pouring concrete today?"</span>
If youve ever lived in Texas youll know why I put that last one in red. </div></div>
Crockett was dead before Houston caught up to Santa Anna. Use Bowie or Travis instead. </div></div>
You mean replace Houston with Travis or Bowie right?
All were dead by the time Houston caught up with Santa Anna.
And the joke usually goes (" when the Mexican army approached the Alamo. Bowie said to Travis, " I didn't know we were mowing lawns today.")
didnt have much concrete back then.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ditchdigger</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: maggot</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
<span style="color: #FF0000"> What did Davie Crockett say to Sam Houston, when he saw Santa Anna's Army coming?
"I didn't know we were pouring concrete today?"</span>
If youve ever lived in Texas youll know why I put that last one in red. </div></div>
Crockett was dead before Houston caught up to Santa Anna. Use Bowie or Travis instead. </div></div>
You mean replace Houston with Travis or Bowie right?
All were dead by the time Houston caught up with Santa Anna.
And the joke usually goes (" when the Mexican army approached the Alamo. Bowie said to Travis, " I didn't know we were mowing lawns today.")
didnt have much concrete back then.
Re: The Funny Thread
A dude was coming back from shooting a match and found his wife in the bedroom packing her shit.
He said "What in the hell is going on here?"
She said "I'm leaving your sorry ass! I heard you were a pedifile?"
He yelled back at her "PEDIFILE.....PEDIFILE, that's a pretty big word for a seven year old!
A dude was coming back from shooting a match and found his wife in the bedroom packing her shit.
He said "What in the hell is going on here?"
She said "I'm leaving your sorry ass! I heard you were a pedifile?"
He yelled back at her "PEDIFILE.....PEDIFILE, that's a pretty big word for a seven year old!
Re: The Funny Thread
A guy rents an appartment above a bar so everyday after work he has a drink in the bar. One evening the bartender suggest a new drink he came up with. The guy drinks it and the bartender says, "be careful these are strong". The guy keeps drinking and later goes to bed. The next evening the guy goes into the bar and the bartender asks "how are you feelin?" The guy responds with "those were strong I went home and blew chunks!" The bartender replies "I told you they were strong. So you were fucked up huh?" The guy says "chunks is my dog."
A guy rents an appartment above a bar so everyday after work he has a drink in the bar. One evening the bartender suggest a new drink he came up with. The guy drinks it and the bartender says, "be careful these are strong". The guy keeps drinking and later goes to bed. The next evening the guy goes into the bar and the bartender asks "how are you feelin?" The guy responds with "those were strong I went home and blew chunks!" The bartender replies "I told you they were strong. So you were fucked up huh?" The guy says "chunks is my dog."
Re: The Funny Thread
I was gonna tell you guys a gay joke, Butt fuck it!
Couldn't resist
I was gonna tell you guys a gay joke, Butt fuck it!
Couldn't resist
