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Maggie’s 10 simple rules for dating my daughter.

I

Inogame

Counter of Beans
Full Member
Minuteman
Jun 2, 2010
3
2
NW Indiana
10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.

- Places where there is darkness.

- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.

- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.

- Hockey games are okay.

- Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
 
First...we need pics of your daughter...your rules may not apply.

Rule 1... she knows we have a date so I expect her to be outside when I show up, no need to honk. But I would show up to introduce myself and give you beer, whisky and or wine for the wife.
Rule 2... of course I won't touch your daughter in-front of you but I'll look at what ever I like. The only reason not to look is if she is ugly.
Rule 3...agreed. We should drive around town together correcting the ill fitting attire.
Rule 4...Oral ain't sex.
Rule 5...I will talk about politics, sports, shooting/hunting etc...I need to know how fucked up your daughter is. It's distinctly possible she needs to be retrained
Rule 6...No need to worry here...she'll like my other girlfriends or we won't date.
Rule 7...No need to "Prep", I'm not dating her for the makeup she has on. Besides, she knows what time I'm to be there. She can finish getting ready in the car.
Rule 8...I'll take here where I want when I pay. If you want to pay, we'll go where you want.
Rule 9...no need to lie to you, just don't hold the truth against me

Rule 10...if I see a camo'd person in a window I'll assume the person is there to cause harm to you, your family or your property and properly. I'll take my carry gun that I use to protect your daughter and eliminate the threat. If you expect me to be there, don't camo up. If you feel the need, you call me and let me know where you'll be...I'll let you know the hand signal at that time.

Ok, not really. Thought I'd have a little fun. Your rules are similar to what mine will be when my stepdaughter starts dating. ((Actually need to put her into a convent...cute, funny, smart, popular---having a hard time dealing with that)).

I think I need to drop her off at school with rifles/pistols in racks...have the deer head as a hood ornament. Then just sit in the parking lot so every one can see. When the cops/security show up simply say "daughter will soon start dating..."
 
Good rebuttel, however those kind of answers will most likley get you killed.
 
Every daughter we have came with 4 pistols and 6 rifles and extreme optics. I took the wife's advise and became ordained and purchased a backhoe. Now I can sleep as I always keep a fresh hole and I'm more that willing to administer last rights before performing grave side services.
 
I read somewhere about first dates, and scary shit that happened.

1. I showed up for my first date with this new girl I'd met. I got to her house early and her father opened the door. He stood 6'2" 220 and was a former Ranger. He was nice, and we talked a bit while she got ready. Upon leaving, he pulled me to the side and said, "Anything you do to her, I'll do to you."

2. One of my professors in college was a SWAT officer with a department around our school. He said that whenever any of the team members daughters would go on a first date. They had a routine. The routine was quite simple. The entire team would be suited up in their battle rattle with weapons quietly sitting in the living room. The team wouldn't say a word and the father of the girl would never acknowledge that a dressed out SWAT team was sitting in full view of the guy.

3. "When my dad met my sister's boyfriend (whom she is now married to) for the first time, he answered the door butt naked like nothing was wrong."

4. "I have a relatively mild cinnamon allergy. Girlfriend at the time told her parents this.

Her dad bought her cinnamon body wash.

That crafty motherfucker."

5. "My dad went into a public bathroom at the same time as my boyfriend and told him he had a nice penis :\"

6. "Not a father, but the first time I met my current girlfriends father he asked me if I didn't mind getting my hands dirty. I replied, "sure" and he led me to the backyard. He said he needed help digging up his garden. We start digging, the whole time we are chatting back and forth. We dug for almost an hour. He asks me, "Do you think you could fit in that whole?" I say "Easy!" Without missing a beat he replies, "Fantastic, now I won't have to do this later if you're an idiot". Took me a moment, but I realized that I had just dug my own grave."
 
The only dad that has really ever made me afraid (Parents always seemed to like me) was a 6'6" former lineman for Wisconsin that played rugby after college and was also deaf! I always figured he doesnt feel pain so it wont matter if I try to fight back, He is 6" bigger and still in not bad shape and he wont hear my screams of pain!

My new plan of attack for when my sweet little 6 year old girl starts to date is to simply open the door punch the kid in the face and shut the door....not sure how it will work out but I have a little time to work on it!
 
aur0ra145 said:
4. "I have a relatively mild cinnamon allergy. Girlfriend at the time told her parents this.

Her dad bought her cinnamon body wash.

That crafty motherfucker."


6. "Not a father, but the first time I met my current girlfriends father he asked me if I didn't mind getting my hands dirty. I replied, "sure" and he led me to the backyard. He said he needed help digging up his garden. We start digging, the whole time we are chatting back and forth. We dug for almost an hour. He asks me, "Do you think you could fit in that whole?" I say "Easy!" Without missing a beat he replies, "Fantastic, now I won't have to do this later if you're an idiot". Took me a moment, but I realized that I had just dug my own grave."
Click to expand...

Definitely doing this.
 
Brenneman said:
The only dad that has really ever made me afraid (Parents always seemed to like me) was a 6'6" former lineman for Wisconsin that played rugby after college and was also deaf! I always figured he doesnt feel pain so it wont matter if I try to fight back, He is 6" bigger and still in not bad shape and he wont hear my screams of pain!

My new plan of attack for when my sweet little 6 year old girl starts to date is to simply open the door punch the kid in the face and shut the door....not sure how it will work out but I have a little time to work on it!
Click to expand...

Laughed out loud

Thanks for postiing this!
 
Brenneman said:
My new plan of attack for when my sweet little 6 year old girl starts to date is to simply open the door punch the kid in the face and shut the door....not sure how it will work out but I have a little time to work on it!
Click to expand...

this.... is pure gold. please video it lol



i sure am glad my father in law was/is easy going. not real sure how i would have reacted to something like that lol
 
I have 2 elementary aged daughters and I have honestly had nightmares about when they start dating. My wife keeps telling me that I will pay for the way I was when I was dating. Her dad did it right and just straight up told me, "DO NOT HURT MY DAUGHTER". He and I never had an issue but it was understood that any "issue" would be bad for me. I hope that I can be this controlled when the time comes. I worry though that insinct will take over and the boy will be forced to prove his ablility to protect my daughter. I figure, "if he can kick my ass then I don't have a choice".
 
shrompman420 said:
i almost want a daughter now so i could have a story...almost.
Click to expand...

Yes, almost is correct. I have two daughters, both elementary age, both blond and beautiful which will only become moreso as they mature. So I have spent many days and nights contemplating how I will react and what I will do on those fateful days. This thread helped because the approach must fit the person, and event to be credible . So, my enjoyment and appreciation of the above responses cannot be expressed. I try to stay in good condition, lift very basic, and still fairly heavy, in addition to certain cardio routines. Big game hunting is also a passion of mine.

Most likely I will be direct, probably lathered-up from a good work-out in the garage instead of the gym( to calm my nerves as much as for effect) where I will invite him for a visit. It will preferably be hot , hopefully uncomfortable. Especially when I stop in my personal office where the heads of my many kills and some hides are mounted. Except of course the one, headless mount which will be on the wall with a blank brass plate underneath along with a shovel. Once we make it to the garage where my weights are , we will go to the small sound proof room, attached to the garage where we will speak, briefly. I do my reloading there and keep most of my components and tac-gear there as well.

Behind me will be a list of the Ten Commandments for dating my daughter along with a noose above it, which will be suspended from the ceiling. Once I ask him to read those Commandments and he has acknowledged them, it he will be free to go after it is made clear that my daughter is the apple of my eye. Then I will wish him a nice, early evening....
 
My better half is just shy of 4 years younger than I, this is not a big deal NOW, but when we met, it was pushing the limits of what even I thought at the time was acceptable. We were set up on a blind date by a buddy of mine that is a year or so younger than me, and his G/F at the time was a bit younger than him. Well NO ONE told me she was as young as she was (16) until she told me on the 3rd or 4th date!!!! Hell she could have passed for 18-20 and did regularly at other functions I thought she was a Senior in School not a dam Sophomore and I got out the june prior.

I was 19, at the time, and well we hit it off big time. When I met her parents for the 1st time I was told not to worry about her dad, who is 6'3" and about 235 and has legs like tree trunks, it was the little 5' 5" 110lb master of the giant I had to worry about............. She was right!!!!! I was not approved of AT ALL when it all came out some time after about 5 or 6 dates, about the age difference, and there were some major hoops that had to hurdled to gain some standing with her family after that, not that I had much to begin with int he 1st place. We have been nearly inseparable for the last 13 years, as far as her parents go, they even took me in a gave me a place to stay (in the basement) for a while when several instances of bad shit all happened at once, shortly after all the hoops had been cleared. So I could recoup and get back on my feet that much faster. I get along very well with my inlaws and we are very close, in many ways I consider them to be more family too me than most of my own blood relation.


Moral of the story here fathers, is not all of kids that come knocking are ill intentioned. That said if we ever have a daughter I cant say for certain I would be as easy going as my FIL was with me.
 
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My daughter would always ask me to take her and her boyfriends shooting. I would invite them to look in the gunsafes and pick out the guns they wanted to shoot. Her last boyfriend and present husbanb picked out a customized Colt 1911 with elephant ivory girp panels(the one in my avatar). He shot it all afternoon. When we got home, he stripped it down and gave it a thorough cleaning. When he handed the gun back to me to put in the safe, he said he really like the gun and the privilege to shoot it.

I looked him in the eye and told him that this gun would be used to kill him if he did wrong to my daughter.

They are happily married and still shoot with me on a regular basis. He has never picked the Colt up again nor asked to shoot it.
 
mrsleeve said:
My better half is just shy of 4 years younger than I, this is not a big deal NOW, but when we met, it was pushing the limits of what even I thought at the time was acceptable. We were set up on a blind date by a buddy of mine that is a year or so younger than me, and his G/F at the time was a bit younger than him. Well NO ONE told me she was as young as she was (16) until she told me on the 3rd or 4th date!!!! Hell she could have passed for 18-20 and did regularly at other functions I thought she was a Senior in School not a dam Sophomore and I got out the june prior.

I was 19, at the time, and well we hit it off big time. When I met her parents for the 1st time I was told not to worry about her dad, who is 6'3" and about 235 and has legs like tree trunks, it was the little 5' 5" 110lb master of the giant I had to worry about............. She was right!!!!! I was not approved of AT ALL when it all came out some time after about 5 or 6 dates, about the age difference, and there were some major hoops that had to hurdled to gain some standing with her family after that, not that I had much to begin with int he 1st place. We have been nearly inseparable for the last 13 years, as far as her parents go, they even took me in a gave me a place to stay (in the basement) for a while when several instances of bad shit all happened at once, shortly after all the hoops had been cleared. So I could recoup and get back on my feet that much faster. I get along very well with my inlaws and we are very close, in many ways I consider them to be more family too me than most of my own blood relation.


Moral of the story here fathers, is not all of kids that come knocking are ill intentioned. That said if we ever have a daughter I cant say for certain I would be as easy going as my FIL was with me.
Click to expand...

I know what you mean and most of us dads with little girls know there are a lot of good kids out there we are just afraid of our little girls (which will always be that sweet little kid in pigtails) getting hurt. After all we were that punk kid at one time and well I know how I was in highschool and if I had been some of my girlfriends dads I would have probably kicked my ass!!!
 
My 3rd daughter is on her way. I have a few years before my oldest is ready to torture me with boys. Hopefully all the pictures of my military service scares the crap out of him......
 
532800_2808817948575_1502499804_31914272_1686093842_n.jpg
 
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I have 17 years old daughter, boyfriend came over for the first time as I was reloading for my next day shooting, the wife brought him to me so I ask him to sit and we chat for 20 minutes, just enough time to show him what I can do at long distance and finish sitting some bullet, afterward we went up wash our hands, then he went on with my girl in the living room, 30 minutes after I went to see them and ask kids to show me his hands so I took them and smell his finger, then I told him that i love the smell of soap, dont know why but it made the room a bit uncomfortable
 
When my oldest went on her first date at 16, I handed Matt the 10 questions, told to read and sign it. All the time I was sharpening a Randall fighting knife. He was shaking like a dog shxting razor blades.

BTW, he had seen me pull a guy thru a car window one time. :) That memory helped set the tone.

It was 2115 and asked him where they were going and he said the movies. I told him that she had a 2230 curfew, and he gasped and said but the movie starts at 2130. Told him not my problem, he should have planned better.

Then I told him, not to make me call his Dad as we had been in the service together.

Next day his dad called me laughing his butt off.

Next weekend, he told me that was cruel what I did to him. Said not nearly as cruel as making me hurt him!

My daughter was mad for several weeks. I thought it was funny.

Only had to throw one out of the house over the years. Told him he had one minute to hit the front door or he was going out the second floor window by the nap of the neck and seat of the pants.
 
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No question boyfriends suck...Even the ones you like are little creeps in the end. However, you got to just deal with it the best you can. LOL
 
Ok, I'll share this story. And I swear to GOD this is true.

It was Christmas time about 4 years ago. I had just put in a 12+ hour shift at work(UPS). My wife, daughter and some kid walk in the door after having gone Christmas caroling with the church. So my daughter comes in and says hey dad this is "Jarrett"!, I'm beat and tired so I kind of just turn and nod to acknowledge his presence. So they get ready to leave and I hear him say "that wasn't too bad, he's not that mean"....WTF?

Fast forward to the weekend.....Saturday night.

My buddy Steve and I are going coyote hunting in the morning, so I have my gear out and I'm checking my rifle out and getting the ammo ready. In walks "numb nuts". He walks in like owns the MF joint. I look at him and ask "who are you?", he replies "Jarrett, I met you the other night." So I ask him " are you good at playing hide and go seek?", he says "yeah I guess, why?" I then ask "are you a fast runner?" He says "yeah I guess so"

Good I say, cuz if you touch her I'm gonna be looking for you and you better be able to outrun these bullets!

I never saw that little bastard again.
 
My oldest is 30 now, when she used to bring boys home, I'd look at them casually and say " why are you with him honey? He's gay."

Of course she did what all teenage girls do, defended him, I just ignored it. After a couple weeks, I'd ask where is so and so, she's say, you were right, he IS gay. Happened over and over.

If one made it past a couple weeks, I would call them by the LAST boyfriends name, sure way to get a reaction.

I knew the guy she married was OK though, he snuck away from college one weekend, drove a 1000 miles to ask for her hand, and got back without being caught. To this day ( they've been married 7-8 yrs now ) he won't hunt or shoot with me. He'll fish, he's OK at that, so I asked him why not. He said " Mr. Mikee, in case you haven't noticed, I am sleeping with your daughter!" I assured him that with two kids, I had figured that out OK, and it was alright, but he says he is still not OK being around me, armed.

It's not easy for the daughters either - they measure all men against their daddies. If Dad is a hard act to follow, it makes finding a man that they can respect even tougher. I knew this and used it to advantage.

BY the way, I also have a 3 yr old now too - red hair and blue eyes, going to be much more trouble ahead!
 
I have 2 year old daughter, Ive debated just loading her up on wieght gainer shakes and Cheetos. I figure if I can make her a big girl, I wont have to worry about the boys as much. I have aspirations of her lettering in track as a Shot Putter.

Seriously though, I'm dreading the day I have to hear about her wanting to go on a date with some little tool sack. The worst part is knowing all there tricks, and what they are thinking. Lots of good ideas here though.
 
bullseye13 said:
I have 2 year old daughter, Ive debated just loading her up on wieght gainer shakes and Cheetos. I figure if I can make her a big girl, I wont have to worry about the boys as much. I have aspirations of her lettering in track as a Shot Putter.

Seriously though, I'm dreading the day I have to hear about her wanting to go on a date with some little tool sack. The worst part is knowing all there tricks, and what they are thinking. Lots of good ideas here though.
Click to expand...

You forgot about the "Shanksters" of the world. they love them big'ens.
 
Good point BountyHunter. I may need to rethink this. I"ve always had a motto for taking a girl home: If you cant pickem, up dont pickem up. I think its served me well. I could be wrong though?
 
Humorous stories here, but there's no point in scaring away the good (or sane) ones, only to have the nut jobs who won't be fazed by this kind of thing date your daughters. On a serious note, your best bet is likely to get to know the guy, and spend time with the couple.
 
no offense Jhnmdahl, but fawk that!!!

my daughter is only 4 (kindergarten in a couple months) so I know I have some time to prepare. The part that scares me though, is she was in gymnastics when she was 2, dance at 3, and cheer at 4. Still doing dance and cheer...(not being biased) but she is one of the prettiest little girls I've ever seen, and with her legs and stomach of steel...im quite worried I am going to need to refer back to this in about 10-12 years...

Her mother was one of the "hot girls" in high school (when I met her, still dont know how THAT worked out but im not complaining) and if you compare the two's baby pictures they could be twins...
 
Only one rule needed (I have two daughters, neither old enough to date yet). That rule is "If my daughter ever sees your penis, it will be the last time you ever do..." That is all...
 
just say "what ever you do with her I will do to you!" you kiss her I`ll kiss you, you touch her I`ll touch you, if you get her pregnant I will impregnate you!!!!!
 
Sometimes there is another side to the story...

A friend of mine grew up in Monterey, California. At one point he started dating a woman about his age, 18 or so. Her father was a gunsmith that worked on firearms of the local sheriff's department and other LEOs. The father told my friend "if you ever...I can take you out from a mile away". I forget if the threat was about dating in general, or about having sex with his daughter.

My buddy did get intimidated, and the courtship only lasted about three weeks.

However, years later he found out that the father was really the girl's stepfather, and he had been sexually molesting her for many years. He just did not want my friend taking away his "girlfriend".

Truth is stranger than fiction, unfortunately. This happened over 20 years ago, and I do not know the name of the stepfather.
 
waveone said:
Yes, almost is correct. I have two daughters, both elementary age, both blond and beautiful which will only become moreso as they mature. So I have spent many days and nights contemplating how I will react and what I will do on those fateful days. This thread helped because the approach must fit the person, and event to be credible . So, my enjoyment and appreciation of the above responses cannot be expressed. I try to stay in good condition, lift very basic, and still fairly heavy, in addition to certain cardio routines. Big game hunting is also a passion of mine.

Most likely I will be direct, probably lathered-up from a good work-out in the garage instead of the gym( to calm my nerves as much as for effect) where I will invite him for a visit. It will preferably be hot , hopefully uncomfortable. Especially when I stop in my personal office where the heads of my many kills and some hides are mounted. Except of course the one, headless mount which will be on the wall with a blank brass plate underneath along with a shovel. Once we make it to the garage where my weights are , we will go to the small sound proof room, attached to the garage where we will speak, briefly. I do my reloading there and keep most of my components and tac-gear there as well.

Behind me will be a list of the Ten Commandments for dating my daughter along with a noose above it, which will be suspended from the ceiling. Once I ask him to read those Commandments and he has acknowledged them, it he will be free to go after it is made clear that my daughter is the apple of my eye. Then I will wish him a nice, early evening....
Click to expand...

I'm only a few years behind you with my two little ones. They are the greatest achievements of my life and I will not tolerate them getting fucked with.

I figure when the time comes I will take the male suitors into my basement office that has a "Wall of Me" for commendations I've gotten when things have got ugly and explain my comfort with said ugly things.

I don't know what else to do. There is a side of me that my wife has only seen maybe once, the side that would put someone in the fucking hurt locker if they press me. I need to find a good way to convey it...
 
These ideas plus a solid moral upbringing should keep my presious daughter off of the Hot Girlfriend Thread.

Makes me wonder where those dads went wrong.
 
chowder said:
These ideas plus a solid moral upbringing should keep my presious daughter off of the Hot Girlfriend Thread.

Makes me wonder where those dads went wrong.
Click to expand...

Very true. Also, I was fortunately raised with said "solid moral upbringing" and always treated girls with respect so no Karma Train is inbound for me.
 
I am now a grandpa with two grandkids.
Both female, one 16 and one 9.

Been thru the dating deal, first as a teenager then as a parent and now am getting to watch the son-in-law squirm cause his oldest just started dating.

What I have figured out is that if you raise them right they will usually make the right decision.
If they make the wrong decision you can disown them till they see the error of their ways or until you die of old age, whichever comes first.
 
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