Dads, help me, please!

cdopson

cdopson

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Feb 5, 2009
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Jacksonville, FL
#1
My daughter and her boyfriend came by last night. Long story short, I have a November wedding to pay for. How the he'll do I pull this off?! I'm broke now!

Thanks for advice from those of you that have been there.
 
#2
Re: Dads, help me, please!

Oh Shit I am in the same boat but at least I have two years.
I is very simple. first you have to decide if you are willing to take out a loan.
2nd how old are they, if they are not just starting out and they both have jobes they can pay for a lot
3rd set a budget
4th depending what it is like where you live somethimes a small reception a resturant is acceptable or rent a hall and do a buffett. it all depends on your social stature and how much you are willing to spend to impress people you might not see for another 20 years
 
#3
Re: Dads, help me, please!

I don't want to impress. My wife and I eloped. I do want my daughter to be happy on her big day though. The budget will be the hard part. There's going to have to be some compromise on her part.
 
#6
Re: Dads, help me, please!

I will give this advice:

We paid for own wedding - its what you make of it. Most kids now a days want to pay for the wedding or chip in...unless they are complete "freeloaders". Its kind of old school and quite honestly childish to stand there and shake your parents down for a free wedding. You at least chip in which will offset your expenses. It also makes it that much easier to decide things as normally..he who pays/ gets final say....

I think you need to talk with your daughter and fee her out for what she is thinking...if she intends to hand you every invoice...take out a loan and do it..and move on.
 
#7
Re: Dads, help me, please!

I'm not a father yet, but this one is easy, MAKE HIS PARENTS PAY FOR IT. On a serious side though, I paid for my own wedding. If you don't have serious money to drop on it don't take out loans, thats just asking for trouble. Share the task of paying for everything with the kids. It will be one quick lesson on money management for them. My wedding was small but very nice and only cost about $1500. One of my rich uncles (I am a poorboy) he dropped over $35,000 on his daughters weddings, only to have them get a divorce 7 months later because he was cheating. So don't go nuts, if they want huge and expensive then they should have to pay for it, or at least share the bill.
 
#8
Re: Dads, help me, please!

Hopefully it will last.I would suggest you do whatever is needed to make her special day really special.I had boys,not girls,but I still did what I suggested for you to do.Good Luck, Pete
 
#9
Re: Dads, help me, please!

We paid for our own wedding as well. And we did it on the cheap. We belong to a nice church, so their facilities were free. We also had the reception there as well in one of halls. Only caveat was no alcohol in Church, which was fine by us.

We though of it this way, would your rather spend 20k+ on a single day wedding or would you rather put that towards a house ?

We spend about $4k on the wedding total (most of that was food for our guests). We spend more on the honeymoon in Hawaii than the wedding. And the money we saved we put towards a new house build.

But definitely set out and plan a budget. My wife was realistic about things, her wedding dress only ran her $230, and she looked great, and she was happy with it. After walking around after the wedding in it for pictures, she got a little dirt on the bottom of it. It would have cost her $150 to get it dry cleaned, guess what she did, she simply just tossed it and went out and bought some crazy expensive kitchen pot instead (since she's into that). Anyhow, morale of my rant, its not the day, its the lifetime together.

Nothing worse than starting out a marriage in debt.
 
#10
Re: Dads, help me, please!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: PadronAniversary</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

Nothing worse than starting out a marriage in debt.

</div></div>

This.

If neither of you have the money in hand to waste, how is it even an option?

Starting young couples out with a hugely expensive and wasteful one-day party is the worst thing you can do in our culture. The mainstream fashion rags have all told them that a giant display of materialism is the only way to have a wedding - this does nothing but create stress, tension, and often places the starting couple deep in debt. How's our cultural divorce rate these days?

If they are poor enough that they don't have the $$ to pay for it themselves, then save your monetary gifts for things that really will help them start, not a single day that will come and go.

Don't give in to the fabricated wedding industry that differs little in mythology from the Hallmark approach. "Her Special Day" will get the struggling couple nowhere if it is based on a philosophy of extravagance, rather than lasting principles.

I speak from both personal experience and observation.
 
#11
Re: Dads, help me, please!

I have 5 girls and my oldest just turned 14... I've learned to take things one day at a time here and so far, so good. I do however expect to be in a straight jacket within the next 5 or 6 years LOL!!
 
#12
Re: Dads, help me, please!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: PadronAniversary</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
Nothing worse than starting out a marriage in debt.
</div></div>

amen to that.
 
#13
Re: Dads, help me, please!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: fredreded</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Offer them a few grand cash money if they elope.

My father in law did that 20 years ago and my wife and I have always regretted not taking him up on it. </div></div>

This. Take what you would do for a wedding, reduce it some, do a little civil deal at the home or something with family and maybe 2-5 friends, and grab dinner someplace nice, tops. Give leftovers to them. Weddings that are great are still tons and tons of stress, even on guests. Cash and prizes beats the stress and fights, and even half the cost of a wedding is a good chunk of change. It'll get 'em into a house, or pay for a kid's college in 20 yrs (hopefully).
 
#14
Re: Dads, help me, please!

Plan a nice small, intimate wedding on the beach. Her dress can be a really nice sun dress, he can be in a linin jacket. Every one will be wearing Flip Flops.

The kids will think it is unique and romantic, you will think it is in-expencive. And, down the road, everyone they tell will think it was the best idea ever.
 
#16
Re: Dads, help me, please!

Cut back on all the dumb shit that doesn't matter. Decorations, esp. flowers, place settings, and food can get out of control REAL fast. I know because my wife went overboard to be honest the only thing anyone really wants is an open bar... Have an open bar, a decent cake, buffett style food, cheap DJ, and have your daughter get creative with decorations. That will save a ton of money.
 
#17
Re: Dads, help me, please!

Wife and I got married for under $500 -- bbq, costco cake, etc, and 5 years later will *still* get comments from people who were there on how it was still the the most enjoyable wedding they've ever attended (besides their own, of course)... and because of the venue there wasn't even alcohol to help it along.

Just avoid the wedding industrial complex and it can definitely be done
smile.gif
 
#19
Re: Dads, help me, please!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: fredreded</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Offer them a few grand cash money if they elope.

My father in law did that 20 years ago and my wife and I have always regretted not taking him up on it. </div></div>

Incredibly Sage advice, there.

I/we eloped 2 weeks ago. Neither one of our parent could even afford to offer that, and we had no intention of adding to anyones burden, let alone adding to our own.

I hope that both of the kids are realistic enough to realize that all that money spent, and all that "foo-fa-raa" gone through in one day is all gone, and FOR NOTHING when you wake up the next morning.

Putting something aside instead, for a down payment on a vehicle, or a house, or just simply a savings 'buffer' is so much logicaller. And forget the mainstream "you just gotta do this... " CRAP.

These are my thoughts, anyways, and it seems there are others who may lean this way too.
 
#20
Re: Dads, help me, please!

Two of the best weddings I've ever been to were in Shiner Texas. My two cousins married at the local Catholic church (AT DIFFERENT TIMES! ) with reception at the town VFW. Local townfolk supplied the food with somebody doing BBQ out back.

Simple tables and fold up chairs. A few decorations done by the moms / sisters.

And all the Shiner bock you could drink.

Great small town weddings. You can't beat them!

 
#21
Re: Dads, help me, please!

I don't know about you guys, but I have 1 girl and 1 in the oven....man the first thing I thought of was, "now I have to pay for 2 weddings."

In light of some of the recent comments, unless your kids are freeloaders, I believe that if they are morally correct in the head, they would want to help out. However, I will kick around the idea of giving them a few grand to either put in savings or put torwards a new house. My wife and I did it cheap as well, small but nice wedding, 120 guests, and my parents knew the reception hall own and he he cut us a deal. There are many different ways to go about it, but the main thing is having your little girl be happy on her big day.

I guess you could ask yourself ..."how much do you like the guy?"
 
#22
Re: Dads, help me, please!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: The Mechanic</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Have any nice rifles?
smile.gif
</div></div>

Ha. Good one.
 
#23
Re: Dads, help me, please!

The though of having to pay for a wedding for my daughter has never crossed my mind. The reason is I paid for my wedding. I had the money so I did not go into debt. However, I realized it was a total waste of money. After my wife and I had children all of our friends, that were at the wedding, now have better things to do. They are all single and are still doing the single stuff; were as my wife and I are doing the family stuff. Offer her a envelope full of money and tell her to elope.

Jamie
 
#25
Re: Dads, help me, please!

I've been straight with my daughters pretty much all along. They've even been to a few big deal weddings and witnessed a couple of their disolutions!

We are busting our humps for their upbringing, well being and educations to include private schools and college tuition and transportation. Our oldest got an academic scholarship thank GOD!

Grandiose weddings are out of the question unless I win the powerball or become a fabulously sucessful businessman, actor or golfer! (pretty much no hope for me as a shooter...or two of the former three :D)

As I'm not Sicilian, I've pretty much ruled out the Mafia Don track to family wealth. But that's OK too as their wedding day custom is often far more costly than those of non-Sicilians!

Good luck Papa Greedy!
 
#26
Re: Dads, help me, please!

do you really need both kidneys?
grin.gif


<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Trey Warren</div><div class="ubbcode-body">a vfw hall and a large pot of jambalaya will go a long way for real cheap</div></div>

if you are truly broke, and your daughter understands that you love her and yadda yadda, the vfw will work fine. if the son in law has a problem with it, he can get a job and pay for it himself.

perhaps maybe and outdoor wedding, bbq pit, etc. but class it up with some tablecloths, ce3nterpieces, etc.

(as i channel my inner martha stewart)

some of the most memorable and fun wedding receptions i've gone to had a touch of redneck in it. nothing wrong with that.
 
#27
Re: Dads, help me, please!

I was at a wedding this winter where the ceremony took place at the top of the local ski hill and everybody wore ski clothes. The reception then took place at a local hot spring. Point i like said above traditional weddings aren't for everybody and the memories can be better if it was unconventional.
 
#28
Re: Dads, help me, please!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Greedy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">PS
I'll have three more after this one. </div></div>

DON'T BORROW MONEY. If you're short of cash now you don't want to pay a penny less for any more(weddings) after this one. Have the wedding in the back-yard or somewhere else similarly priced.

Believe it or not, some people have simple ceremonies.
 
#32
Re: Dads, help me, please!

weddings are probably one of the biggest waists of money there is. the majority of the money and almost all of the stress comes from trying to make the attendees happy, the best food, drinks, making sure the flower arrangements are just SO, the list is endless. In reality they don't give a shit, their there for the free food and drinks and to act like they are really happy for everyone. they'll never realize that someone goofed up the flower arrangements or that someone is seated at the wrong table.
K.I.S.S. is the word of the day when it comes to weddings. when its all said and done the only thing you will have is a photo album that within a month is sitting on a shelf somewhere taking up space.
 
#34
Re: Dads, help me, please!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: queequeg</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I've been straight with my daughters pretty much all along. </div></div>
Best advise here.

I married off two daughters and couldn't "afford" either wedding. Treat them as adults and openly talk about your financial situation and see what their expectations are. You may be surprised how simple they would be willing to go as long as it's real. These events are a group effort.

Don't be afraid to talk to his parents about what they can do. Be open and honest and check your pride at the door. You will look back and be amazed at how well it all came off with the amount of money you had to work with. Don't go into debt.
 
#35
Re: Dads, help me, please!

Which will your kids take care of more, a wedding - parents paid for, or a wedding - they have something invested in also other than their vows? Not to say your kids don't love each other.

Just my 2 cents. Been through it once.
 
#36
Re: Dads, help me, please!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DaveX</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: queequeg</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I've been straight with my daughters pretty much all along. </div></div>
Best advise here.

I married off two daughters and couldn't "afford" either wedding. Treat them as adults and openly talk about your financial situation and see what their expectations are. You may be surprised how simple they would be willing to go as long as it's real. These events are a group effort.

Don't be afraid to talk to his parents about what they can do. Be open and honest and check your pride at the door. You will look back and be amazed at how well it all came off with the amount of money you had to work with. Don't go into debt. </div></div>

Right on the button.
 
#37
Re: Dads, help me, please!

Be straight with your daughter...let her know what your financial situation is and that you're not going into hock + 20% interest so she can have a "special day."

My kids knew early on that finances were an issue and that the parents would not be paying for college or weddings.

So far it's worked out well - the stepson went to the Naval Academy and the daughter pays her own tuition... they've learned the value of earning what you get in life...
 
#38
Re: Dads, help me, please!

Whatever you do don't talk about the most expensive wedding you ever went to as though it was the standard that must be meet. Why? Because when you say that all you will pay for is the punch and cake you will look like a big cheapskate. Which in that case he was.

Wedding in a backyard, followed by a picnic doesn't sound half bad. If necessary a friends backyard if it is a lot bigger.
 
#39
Re: Dads, help me, please!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: PadronAniversary</div><div class="ubbcode-body">We paid for our own wedding as well. And we did it on the cheap. We belong to a nice church, so their facilities were free. We also had the reception there as well in one of halls. Only caveat was no alcohol in Church, which was fine by us.

We though of it this way, would your rather spend 20k+ on a single day wedding or would you rather put that towards a house ?

We spend about $4k on the wedding total (most of that was food for our guests). We spend more on the honeymoon in Hawaii than the wedding. And the money we saved we put towards a new house build.

But definitely set out and plan a budget. My wife was realistic about things, her wedding dress only ran her $230, and she looked great, and she was happy with it. After walking around after the wedding in it for pictures, she got a little dirt on the bottom of it. It would have cost her $150 to get it dry cleaned, guess what she did, she simply just tossed it and went out and bought some crazy expensive kitchen pot instead (since she's into that). Anyhow, morale of my rant, its not the day, its the lifetime together.

Nothing worse than starting out a marriage in debt.



</div></div>
Well said.
SmokeRolls
 
#40
Re: Dads, help me, please!

(1)Stay out of debt!!!!!
(2)Weddings are important and are special but wisdom must be applied in the situation of cost.
(3)I'm sure that you love your daughter and would do anything for her but to be honest and tell her that money is not rolling in is facing the facts up front and promply.
(4) Sit down with your daughter and future son in-law and tell them "lets plan this out together.
(5)Dads have alot of pride when it comes to our daughters, we always want to show them a man that provides for their well being.
(6) You are not letting her down by being up front and factual. You are actually showing her that money does not grow on trees and that you care for her plans /wedding and that you will do all that you reasonably can.
(7) Your first responsibility is to your wife and your current situation so don't sink your family by getting into debt in order to make your daughter happy.
(8) Apply and use wisdom
I hope all goes well..............SmokeRolls
 
#42
Re: Dads, help me, please!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: TheSmokeRolls</div><div class="ubbcode-body">(1)Stay out of debt!!!!!
(2)Weddings are important and are special but wisdom must be applied in the situation of cost.
(3)I'm sure that you love your daughter and would do anything for her but to be honest and tell her that money is not rolling in is facing the facts up front and promply.
(4) Sit down with your daughter and future son in-law and tell them "lets plan this out together.
(5)Dads have alot of pride when it comes to our daughters, we always want to show them a man that provides for their well being.
(6) You are not letting her down by being up front and factual. You are actually showing her that money does not grow on trees and that you care for her plans /wedding and that you will do all that you reasonably can.
(7) Your first responsibility is to your wife and your current situation so don't sink your family by getting into debt in order to make your daughter happy.
(8) Apply and use wisdom
I hope all goes well..............SmokeRolls </div></div>

No kidding Smoke, very well said!
 
#43
Re: Dads, help me, please!

I've married off three. Figure out what you can afford and write them a check. The ask them where you need to be and what time you need to be there. The rest is on them.

It is honestly that simple..............
 
#45
Re: Dads, help me, please!

I talked my wife out of a big wedding. Just class A uniform by military caplain with close friends. Why spend 10k or more in one day. Use the money to furnish an appartment or down payment on a house. hell 10k will buy a cycle, years of enjoyment. She told me years later she was glad we did it our way. Maybe I was just lucky. no obligated to or anything but my inlaws did pay for part of the honeymoon though. Wait i have a daughter....Crap
 
#46
Re: Dads, help me, please!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: REELDOC</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I've married off three. Figure out what you can afford and write them a check. The ask them where you need to be and what time you need to be there. The rest is on them.

It is honestly that simple.............. </div></div>

Tried that. It went over like pootin in church with the women in the family.
 
#48
Re: Dads, help me, please!

Indeed, SB950, an economic principle of note is that there is no limit to the demand for a free resource, a principle which the current federal administration appears not to have noticed.

Anyway, our daughters were notified that our fiduciary responsibility for them ended at the completion of their university studies, and that weddings will be on their own dime.

They probably didn't like that, as most people don't when told that they will be responsible for themselves.

Most people in my experience don't like the fact that they are, at some point, going to die, but the universe seems unconcerned with their likes.
 
#49
Re: Dads, help me, please!

When Celia and I got married going on forty years ago this July, we were in the same boat. Our folks had empty pockets. We had to organize and pay for it on our own.

The first thing we did was get it completely out of our heads that our wedding needed to have anything in common with any other wedding. The second thing was to sit down and figure out whom we actually wanted to share our moment with, now that every penny was coming out of our own pockets. I picked up a pamphlet on calligraphy and made up all the invitations by hand. Celia made all the favors and table centerpieces.

We went to the local restaurants, rented a hall, levelled with them about the fact that extravagance was a luxury we could not afford, and asked them to come up with numbers we could all live with.

To this day, our friends continue to remind us that our wedding was one of the most fun days of all our lives. Very literally, we were opening envelopes and using the contents to help pay for everything right there on the spot.

That evening, for our honeymoon, we flipped a coin to decide whether we went East or West, or North or South. Then we flipped again for North or South and took off to see how far the money in our pockets would take us.

Eight days later we got home from a fabulous time in Quebec Province. That introduction to self sufficiency and trust in our own resources has stood us well every day of our lives since then; and we can see it reflected in our Daughter and our Grandkiddos.

Greg
 
#50
Re: Dads, help me, please!

While I do believe in this case it might be “water under the bridge” I am starting at a very early age so that things such as this are not a foregone assumption. I have to agree with what Lindy has put forward that far and away too many people (our children included) feel that it is the parent’s responsibility to have some sort of “fairy tale” wedding for their daughter.

This is not “My Super Sweet 16” or “Keeping up with the Kardasians” this is reality and while I want to help my children I will not bury myself and my family in unnecessary and frivolous debt to do so.
 
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