Maggie’s electric fence

[runningwithscissors]

50 YEAR ANNIVERSARY

An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made sweet,sweet love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea."

There's a guy sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex. So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the young man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The young man was amazed in his thirties he doesn't have the stamina this guy in his 80's has!
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The young man was determined to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[Maple One]

Re: electric fence

LMAO

Good one!

 

[runningwithscissors]

Re: electric fence

This was funny too, didn't feel like starting a new thread..
28 guy rules

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying game".

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertianment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach. and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

 

[runningwithscissors]

Re: electric fence

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage.

After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home, dolled herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a bourbon.

She slowly spread her legs and in a come hither voice says "Honey, would you like some of this?".

The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what it's done to your underwear!"

 

[jmtgsx]

Re: electric fence

Good stuff RWS, thanks for posting.

 

[catmando]

re: electric fence

Good stuff RWS, thanks for posting.

We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences......but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please let me die... Pleeeeaze let me die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I realized that i was badly sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted .

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right)..

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

 

[shamrockcattleco]

^^^^^ Sounds like a hell of an incident. Glad you didn't have a Parmak 100 mile fencer (16000 volts 6.6 Joules). And you are right it's all about the ground rod. Keep it deep and keep it in moist soil.

 

[Ringman308]

LMAO, even got laughs from my wife.
Thanks for suffering for my enjoyment catmando.
I've had a few run ins with electric fences but none as bad as yours.

 

[WRH51]

When I was young, from about 12 years old until I was 17, I could "test" the electric fences by simply grabbing hold of the wire. I wouldn't say that it felt good, it was what a normal person would call uncomfortable at the very least. If the charger was strong enough to make my arm muscles contract violently, the fence was good to go. If I had to ground myself to a steel post or otherwise to induce the seizure like contractions of my arm muscles, the fence needed to be checked for something grounding it out or check the ground rod and other connections. It didn't take long for me to realize that my abillity to tolerate the shock could be used for entertainment purposes. I was in 4H and showed cattle. We would often be out in groups visiting other farms and whatnot. Electric fences were common. I would back up to the fence and grab the wire with my hand behind my back. Soon enough, some unsuspecting soul would wander within reach. That was when the fun began. With every pulse of the fence, the victim would jump and howl like an animal that had just had a steel trap spring shut on them. Somtimes they would reach out and grab for something to pull away. Often that something would be metallic further enhancing the effect of the current on their body. The victims choice of footwear that day, played a major role as to the extent of the pain. I never will forget the one kid that was wearing some sort of leather soled loafers..... with no socks. Needless to say, someone wearing loafers..... with no socks..... on a farm, was no only out of their environment but very well grounded. This individual was not very popular with the rest of the group. Not just because he was wearing loafers with no socks mind you. As I recall he was a little arrogant and smart ass. At this point it is obvious who my next victim was. My co-conspirators lured him down to where I was standing and distracted him. I reached out to grab the back of his neck. Just as I did, he turned and my index finger brushed his ear. Apparently the fence was alot hotter that I realized as I was wearing boots with rubber soles. At this moment a blue spark, or what some described as a 3 foot long minature thunderbolt, bridged the gap between my finger and his ear lobe emitting a loud pop, or what some described as a sonic boom. The prey twitched violent and spun around toward me. Unwittingly, in a defensive move he grabbed my arm just as the second pulse through my arm to his, through his body and down to his loafers..... with no socks. As he writhed and yelped I clamped my hand onto his off arm. I don't remeber how lond I held on. I do remember he cried.
Now, you noticed that I said "until I was 17" at the beginning. One fateful day, we were working on one of the fences. The cattle had been getting out and we assumed the charger was bad. We purchased a new charger and hooked it up to the fence. Turn charger on, grab fence. A slight tingle at best. As it turned out the fence was grounded out due to too many connections between the top and bottom hot wires. I didn't know that. I worked on the ground I redid the connections to the ground and fence. Grab fence. A slight bite, not nearly enough to turn a 1200 pound cow. More work on the ground and a second ground rod. This time the line to fence was taken loose. I grabbed the lead and turned the charger on. I am not sure what actually happened or how long it endured. I woke to my mom standing over me. "Hey are you okay?" My body felt rubbery and the back of my head hurt. I think the back of my head was the first thing to hit the ground. I got to my feet and turned the charger off. I reconnected the lead to the fence. Here is where a smart person would have said "Wait a minute." I wasn't so smart. I will blame that on the intial shock. I grabbed the fence but nothing. In my voltage induced stuppor I removed the lead from the fence....... while the charger was still on. I do clearly remember the pain associated with that shock. I have never been shot but I have to think that is what it would feel like. Again, on the ground looking up to my mom saying " Are you okay?"
I have not been able to grab fences since that episode. COOP sells this great little fence testers with lights to indicate this fence if hot. How about that?

 

[Decoy]

Coop fence testers with lights?

WTF are cats for?????

 

[shamrockcattleco]

Coop fence testers with lights?

WTF are cats for?????

Cant keep em in stock for as often as I test fence. They say 3000 volts will keep a cow in, so I figure 12000 will keep her motivated to stay In. Deer running by and knocking them off the insulator is about all the fence trouble we have anymore.

 

[wakeboarder4402]

Pretty damn funny!