Great gift for people you hate...

[Kilmore]

Follow this link to Amazon.com and read the reviews for this toxic crap. I sent a bag to the White House for Christmas. Here it is: Amazon.com: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag: Grocery & Gourmet Food Here is an excerpt: 1,444 of 1,637 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Rapture me, please lord., October 5, 2013
By Craig L - See all my reviews
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
As I type this review, I'm on the toilet, surrounded by my dearest family and friends and a priest. I'm not exactly sure whether this is an exorcism or if I'm getting my last rites read to me. This very well could be my final crowning moment. I may never make it back to my feet. What a way to go. Will I go out by suffocating in a toxic byproduct stench? Will I croak from my body expelling all essential nutrients for life? Is this the apacolypse?
What is occurring in my body right now may only be explained with the final 20 minutes of the movie Independence Day. The sweet gummy bears that I thought I had chewed and swallowed have now resurrected inside my bowels with a vengeance. The only thing that I can imagine they are doing is s***ting inside my digestive tract. Decomposed zombie gummy bear s***. This can't be all my s***. There's no way. That's not my s***. That's s*** from a supernatural entity living inside me. Literally nothing I've eaten in a dozen years could possibly turn my ass into a to-scale model of Mt. St. Helens, violently spewing what smells like a public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms, in Mexico City at such a cyclic rate, that I'm worried the war veteran below me thinks he's storming Normandy again.
Shame on everyone who handled these bears before they made it to me. Shame on Amazon for making theses available for purchase. Shame on the guy in the warehouse who packaged this for shipment. Shame on the UPS guy for bringing this to my door. You all knew. I know you knew, and you knew I'd know. And you still let me do this to myself. Shame on you!
My last hope now is that the force of gas propelling from my anus may be strong enough to disturb Satan himself in hell. And that he is so angered by this that he sends an entire fleet of brave minions to come up through the toilet and put me out of my misery.
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Comment Comments (11)

 

[gray1974]

So, did he like em or not? He never did say.

 

[Kilmore]

Most reviewers report that they taste really good. Right up to the point where the farting and uncontrolled bowl functions begins and is so noxious it will burn you eyes and taste buds.

 

[elfster1234]

Lol!

 

[Maroonfeather]

A warning was provided...

Important Information
Safety Warning
Consumption of some sugar-free candies may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect. Individual tolerance will vary. If this is the first time you’ve tried these candies, we recommend beginning with one-fourth of a serving size or less. Made with Lycasin, a sugar alcohol. As with other sugar alcohols, people sensitive to this substance may experience upset stomachs.

 

[Kilmore]

Apparently the baby couldn't read:



By

Sarah Oh - See all my reviews


This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
I stumbled across this product on a whim, as we use gummies in our home to bribe our toddler to "be good" and "fetch us beer and queso from the refrigerator". As I was reading the reviews, and laughing uncontrollably, I sent the link to my husband and encouraged him to read them as well. Well, my husband is borderline mentally "disabled" (is that PC?) and thought it would be a good idea to buy them. Twenty-five dollars and 2 days later (thanks to super-fast Amazon Prime shipping!!) we received our prize.

When my sweet impressionable son saw the package, he immediately exclaimed, "Present?!?! For meeee?!?!?" And what mediocre parent could deny their child the delight of ripping into a box full of goodies? As we watched him open the package, our eyes shimmering with anticipation of what we knew he would be so excited to find, he grabbed the massive package of candy, held them tight to his chest and screamed "Gummies!!!" We knew, right then, that we had succeeded as parents. We had crossed the finish line, climbed the mountain. We were no longer mediocre parents, but EXTRORDINARY parents.

What happened in the following 24 hours brought us back down to size. After eating approximately 30 gummy bears, he fell into a deep, sugar-free-gummy-induced sleep.

The next morning, the nightmare began.

I awoke to the aroma of something sickeningly sweet, yet rancid, permeating the entire house. I assumed one of our cats threw up somewhere, or maybe someone (my husband perhaps?) left a squirt of poo under the toilet seat. I figured I would figure out the culprit later, after my healthy breakfast of Count Chocula and Bud Light Lime.

This next part plays in slow motion in my mind...

I heard the whimpers of my son, the fruit of my loins, my reason for living, and knew he had awoken from his slumber. I went into his room to fetch him. And that's when the smell hit me.

A sweet, putrid smell that I cannot accurately describe entered my nostrils. I gagged, felt the bud light and cereal re-enter my throat, and using all of my willpower, swallowed it back down for digestion a second time.

Then my eyes focused on my son. Still laying in bed. His bed. It looked like a crime scene. A crime scene where the blood is brown...and stinky. His Thomas the Train bed was sprayed with the brown poo-water. His sheets, his pillow, his Winnie The Pooh (ironic?) stuffed animal. His Gymboree pajama bottoms (19.99 retail), originally white with images of puppies, were now a light brown, with specs of translucent gummy-esque bits. The poo-juice had covered my sweet son's hair, streaked across his face. The folds of his chubby little legs.

As my mind raced to adjust to the madness I was witnessing, everything suddenly slowed down as I came to a realization. I focused on the culprit. "Haribo Gummy candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag."

The boy was rushed to the shower, where he was hosed down and lathered in Old Spice body wash (the tear-free baby wash could not be trusted to a job of this magnitude). The bed sheets were stripped. All fabrics, including pillows and Pooh (both instances) were thrown into our front-loading, high-capacity washing machine. Thomas (the Train) was wiped down liberally with anti-bacterial cleansing wipes.

I still, 5 days later, cannot get the smell out of his room. I don't know if perhaps a rogue spray of poo lodged itself into an inaccessible corner of the room. Or perhaps one of his toys or stuffed animals is hiding a drop of the potent poo-venom. I may never know.

My advice? Stay away from these gummy bears. DO NOT give them to your child, or anyone you love. The reviews are REAL. Seriously.


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Comment Comments (34)

 

[E. Bryant]

My coworkers and I consume large amounts of snack food, especially during the holidays. Our building is woefully under-equipped in regard to bathroom facilities. Should I order one bag, or two?

 

[rrflyer]

My coworkers and I consume large amounts of snack food, especially during the holidays. Our building is woefully under-equipped in regard to bathroom facilities. Should I order one bag, or two?

You dot have a hair on your ads if you don't.

Might be a good present for the boss.

 

[sqidd]

"This very well could be my final crowning moment"

Hahahahahahahahaha!

 

[Krav69]

Just got back from Amazon. Looked up the Sugar Free Gummy Bears, 5-lbs bag.

Gawd Damn!!

I cannot believe the reviews. I've read for a full 30 minutes straight and can't believe that something like this is even allowed to exist. What the hell is the FDA doing???!!!

Guys, check out the reviews, all 200+ of them, if you need a good laugh. This is easily the most vilified product review section I have ever seen. I laughed so hard it was tough to read the reviews through the tears welling up in my eyes.

You really will be laughing because it is happening to someone else and not you.

Thanks to the OP for the informative and absolutely hysterical thread!!!!!!!!

 

[longrangefool]

Seriously how many do you have to eat to have that happen? Sounds like they ate the whole damn bag. But hey, in the end, it sounds like they all lost some weight..

 

[Jong]

I got my nephew a 5 lb gummy worm for his birthday. It was huge!!

 

[Kilmore]

I am going to the next "Mothers Against Guns" rally and putting 2 five pound bags out on the snack table. I will then Super Glue shut the locks on the restroom doors, turn on my camera and make youtube fame.

 

[Kilmore]

A scientific approach... This rocket fuel has low specific impulse, August 6, 2013
By Gregory Craff (Federal Way, WA, USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
I was looking for a low calorie 'grazing' snack when I originally bought this product. Tastes fine. After my first enjoyment, I experienced something less enjoyable. That might have been something else I ate that day, so some time later, full of wariness and scientific curiosity, I ate some just before leaving work.

1 hour, 30 minutes later, after retrieving the children from school, we arrive back at home.

During this time, the gummi bears, hereafter referred to as The Fuel, were being carefully processed in the fuel system of Space Ship Me. I can only assume that The Fuel is a highly advanced binary propellant because it is non-reactive and benign in storage and even during initial ingestion. But as with all binary propellants, when mixed with the complementary other half of the pairing, the results are highly energetic.

Turning my parental duties over the the capable hands of the Roku and widescreen TV, I proceeded upstairs apace, shedding unnecessary accoutrements as I could tell this cowboy was about to Go Rodeo.

Entering the Launch Facility (a.k.a. real estate agents refer to it as the 'master bath') I approached the Launch Pad itself, a fine furnishing manufactured by American Standard. As it was handy to the direct path of travel, and to further the cause of Science!, I stepped onto the bathroom scale and made note of my weight. I then configured the Launch Pad into the second receiving mode and positioned Space Ship Me atop the launch aperture.

All hatches closed!
Exhaust fans to full power!
Sitzfleisch sealed to Launch Pad support ring! (It's a German double entendre, look it up.)
Fuel flow starting, easing open sphincter, commence count down!
10!
9!
8!
Whoops, 1!

Thrust built rapidly to the 100% rating of the nozzle. The exhaust thundered against the parabolic shape of the Launch Pad and reverberated back upwards, buffetting the structure of Space Ship Me.

I swear, if I had thought ahead to equip the Launch Pad with the kind of camera available for the Discerning Customer with Refined Tastes from a Discrete Retailer, you might have seen shock diamonds.

I know some other customers have thought that they might have needed seat belts, but from my dispassionate observation point, I could objectively see that I had not yet achieved Lift-Off. That happened on the Saturn V launches as well: they had to sit on the pad for a while at full thrust until just enough fuel has burned off to make the thrust exceed weight.

It's a long way to orbit, and I was in a hurry to get to the ISS, so the only thing to do was to go to 125% on the nozzle.

That's where things started to go wrong. Thrust increased, to be sure, hammering the porcelain, but the exhaust flow became turbulent. It was also becoming asymmetric. The signal came from below, "The engines cannae take any moor, Cap'n!" (I have no idea why my arse has a Scottish accent.)

Fuel flow dropped off and the nozzle output dropped to merely 10%, with some damage to the combustion chamber.

But luckily, sitting quietly for about five minutes, The Fuel had regenerated enough pressure that I could make another attempt.

After about thirty minutes and several attempts, I had not achieved lift off, and Thank God, because I realized belatedly that I hadn't a plan for how to get through the ceiling and roof.

But the scale revealed that I had lost seven (7) pounds.

 

[sib1948]

You never really ​know what you'll find in these Forum. Thank God you saved me from this horrible nightmare!

 

[Maggot]

I am going to the next "Mothers Against Guns" rally and putting 2 five pound bags out on the snack table. I will then Super Glue shut the locks on the restroom doors, turn on my camera and make youtube fame.

^^^^^^^

 

[rubicon_unlimited]

Funniest thread I have read in a long time!

 

[pizzamanny]

My favorite Amazon review
Amazon.com: The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee: Home & Kitchen
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.