Quotables

[Yasherka]

I've got a Quote file that has been getting larger over the years, many from here. Just items I find kinda/sorta profound or humorous. Thought I'd share and maybe get a few new ones in the bargain (attributions as I found them):

Young men are as apt to think themselves wise enough, as drunken men are to think themselves sober enough

--Philip Dormer Stanhope,
4th earl of Chesterfield

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A burro is an ass. A burrow is a hole in the ground.
It is preferred that one should know the difference.

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Chesterton: “Journalism largely consists of saying ‘Lord Jones Is Dead’ to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.”

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We dare not tempt them with weakness. For only when our arms are sufficient beyond doubt can we be certain beyond doubt that they will never be employed.

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I find that, as a general rule, if you can see all the way through their head, you used enough gun.

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If something is worth fighting for, its worth fighting dirty for
--Ewen

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Picking a Falcon [scope] is like picking an STD, either way you're gonna get burned.
--JRose

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I keep an inch and a half guardrail nut on a loop of 550 cord. It's not whiz-bang tactical, but one smack in the grape and it's coloring books for Christmas.
--Vanilla Gorilla

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There is no "I" in team. But there are three "U's" in "Shut the Fuck Up"

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Amazing to me that someone was outsmarted by a can of fucking gunpowder.

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Nitrous is like a hot chick with an STD; You want to hit it, but are afraid of the consequences.
--Donut

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You can't stop a bad guy with a middle finger and a bag of quarters.
--Uncle Ted

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He who laughs last thinks slowest

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Give a man a match and he will be warm for a minute, Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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A Liberal is a person who will give away everything they don't own.

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When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is insane

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Oh Heck..Carter, Gore, Obama, that's like the Mt. Rushmore of shut the hell up.

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I'm going down... and down ... to make you happy......And then I go up .... and up ... and f**k you ...

Sincerely,
Gas Prices

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The United States has become a place where entertainers and pro athletes have been mistaken for people of importance

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[Yasherka]

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A sucking chest-wound is nature's way of letting you know that your cam and concealment is not up to scratch.

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Vegetables are not food. Vegetables are what food eats.

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In addition to Coyote Ugly, there's Double Coyote Ugly where when you get to the street, you chew off your OTHER arm and spit it behind a dumpster so she doesn't come looking for a one armed man
-Thumper_6619

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Carpe Cerevisium
(Seize the beer)

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I’d rather be a conservative nut job than a nutless liberal with no job.

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Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

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It's a difference between mental masturbation and reality. So, sarcasm aside, I'd say none of it really matters in the end.
-Modifier

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If at first you don't succeed, you obviously didn't kill the right people

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Canada: A dying, third-world nation with a thriving hockey industry.

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"If I had to choose between taking a civilian or pogue on a patrol, I'd happily take the civilian. At least he hasn't made the conscious decision of being a coward in the military yet."
-GySgt Carlos Hathcock

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Kind of tough trying to reason with people, who in the midst of a shit storm, nevertheless believe the most pressing issue of our time is interspecies marriage...

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By the way, she turns 90 this Halloween and is in excellent health, which she attributes to eating an onion every day and being mean to people.

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Do I get involved in Guassian theories and worry about which direction the toilet water moves below the equator? No.

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There is room for all of God's creatures, right next to the mashed potatoes.

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Cowards often try to make a virtue of their lack of guts. They feel embarassed that others might not be cowards, so they try to stifle them.

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A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Muda is the Japanese term for anything that takes up resources but provides no value

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"Doing your best is not good enough. You have to know what to do, THEN do your best..."
--Ed Deming

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Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

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Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways totally worn out.. shouting ..Holy ****.. What a Ride!!!

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks, Very Big paychecks.

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Who is Will and why is everyone firing at him?

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Facebook is the the digital equivalent of herpes.

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[Yasherka]

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Muzzle Break (it's brake, like the brakes on your car. You don't want breaks on your car, those are bad.)

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The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
--Tom Bodett

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Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse.

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“If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed."
- Mark Twain

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Failure is not an option for liberals, it is a lifestyle.

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...to steal from a favorite movie of mine, there are two types of stupid. There’s the guys who strips naked and runs around in the woods and barks at the moon, and then there’s the guy who does it in your living room. One you can laugh at, but the other you kinda have to deal with.

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Women are like a Chinese restaurant lunch special.

You get to choose two but you won’t get the third:

1. intelligent
2. pretty
3. sane

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Butter tastes awesome, but it tastes much less awesome when you eat a whole stick of it by itself.

*

Not every cat is as docile and brain-dead as your cat. If you pick up the neighbor's cat by its tail, it will bite you and you will bleed.

*

Your grandmother's face cream is not frosting. Nope, still not frosting. ARE YOU RETARDED???? It's still not fucking frosting! It will never be frosting! No matter how many times you check, it will always be face cream and never frosting.

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"Beaner" is not an acceptable name for a Beanie Baby - especially if your Beanie Baby is a chihuahua.

--hyperboleandahalf.com

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Irving Kristol, who had famously defined a neoconservative as a liberal who had been mugged by reality, said (not quite so famously) that a neoliberal was a liberal who had been mugged by reality but refused to press charges.

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A wife is like a new gun... sooner or later you are going to want to shoot them both

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Relax, you're starting to sound like a tampon commercial

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I think we need a new term to describe the Obama team’s approach to international affairs: Bong Hit Diplomacy. Just a suggestion...

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We have had it to our back teeth with our justice system, such as it were, being abused and tied up in wasting time on utter, unadulterated, weapons-grade bullshit such as this

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There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

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I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, Mexicans and black rapists is not the correct answer.

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Anti-Sieze is alot like Strange Pussy: you just need a little bit, but before you know it, it's all over you and won't go away

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At the end of the day there is no problem that can't be solved with a shotgun and a shovel

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there ain't too many things that can't be fixed with $700 or a 30-06

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[Yasherka]

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The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy against his common rights and true desserts. He ascribes all his failure to get on in the world, all of his congenital incapacity and damfoolishness, to the machinations of werewolves assembled in Wall Street, or some other such den of infamy.
--HL Mencken

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Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats
-HL Mencken

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Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work.
-- Edison

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You remind me of a bronze medal winner in the special olympics

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She couldn't count her tits and get the same number twice

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This is a great war, they want to die, and we want to kill them!

-U.S. Marine in the sand box

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"To be is to do"-Socrate
"To do is to be"-Sartre
"Do Be Do Be Do"-Sinatra

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No man who refuses to bear arms can give sound reason why he should be allowed to live in a free country

--Teddy Roosevelt

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The average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans, on average, drink about 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

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I once saw a man shot at point blank range 37 times in the head and 14 times in the chest with a 9mm and he was still able to finish the Ironman competition (he only placed 4th, though) and then wrestle a grizzly bear into submission. On the other hand, I once saw a man shot from 75 yards with a .45ACP. The round grazed his left pinky which blew his right arm and leg completely off his body and caused his brain to explode. Then his goldfish died.

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Crack dont smoke itself people!!

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To make a Conservative angry, tell a lie about him. To make a Liberal angry, tell the truth about him.

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Using the term 'undocumented immigrant' is disingenuous, because it downplays the severity of the crime. It's like calling a car thief an 'unauthorized driver' – it's misleading to the point of inaccuracy.

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When arguing with a leftist always remember their emotional school girl mentality and proceed from there.
--Ann Coulter

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Progressives are not parasites! Actual parasites don’t try to kill the host.

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A liberal’s solution to the debt crises; if you are drowning dive deeper in search of air!

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If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animated contest of freedom — go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen!
-–Samuel Adams

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How many licks will it take Obama to get to the shit flavored center of the shiny communist turd he's been drooling for his whole life?

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First-rate people want first-rate colleagues; second-rate people want fifth-rate colleagues.

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A communist is someone who reads Marx. An anti-communist is someone who understands Marx.
--Ronald Reagan

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[Yasherka]

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I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubblegum.
--Rowdy Roddy Piper

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The will to survive is not as important as the will to prevail... the answer to criminal aggression is retaliation.
--Colonel Jeff Cooper

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Having you along is like losing two good men...

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In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity.

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I have a memory like an etch a sketch....I shake my head & I forget everything.

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Facts obviously matter little to an electorate high on unicorn farts and regurgitated Skittles

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Son, dont be a pussy. Back in my day i fought waves of derkas and got paid in cocoa butter and failure

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The probability of anyone watching you do something is in direct proportion to the stupidity of what you are doing

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No, you can't dig out of a hole, but you can make it nice and roomy for the other idiots that fall in behind you.

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See what happens when you have no practical experience doing something... you end up playing with calculators and looking stupid on the internet.
--LowLight

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Selling guns is against man-code.
--JRose

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Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. Electrical engineers bug their facilities, and steal their plans.
--Lindy

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

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Now, where I come from, there is no aphrodisiac for the ladies quite like a wallet full of crisp benjamins, some oxycontin, crystal meth, malt liquor, and a dually pickup.
--Seamus O'Boogie

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Gerbils are a lot like cigarettes: they are perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.

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Some people are like Slinkies.... not really good for anything, but they still make you smile when you push them down the stairs

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Addendum to the man code: No fruit in beer and no beer with the word "ice" in the title.

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Someone is going to die in a war. I nominate foreign nationals.
--ace.mu.nu

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Progressivism is a faith that makes druidism look positively rational.

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The four seasons in Australia consist of "fuck it's hot", "Can you believe how fucking hot it is?", "I won't be in today because it is too fucking hot" and "Yes, the dinner plate size spiders come inside to escape from the heat."

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I have seen numerous times when Private Schmuckatelli blamed the weapon for a discharge when he had his booger picker on the bag switch.

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Anyone hanging their hat on "no one is that stupid" is bound to have a lot of disappointment in life.

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A good heart and noble deeds don't mean shit if you're uglier than the inside of a hotdog.

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I came hear to learn about firearms you slick sided white glove wearing gerbil fucker!
--Mr Blasty (to Maser)

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[Yasherka]

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CounterSniper uses Bertryllium, which is a special derivative of Beryllium that they obtained from top secret metallurgical engineering. They combined the beryllium with gypsy tears and anal leakage from unicorns and it created the coating that makes the CounterSniper the ideal scope for government contracts.

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"The problem with most Internet quotes is they're just plain wrong."
--Abraham Lincoln

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"So,was it hard to kill a person?"
"Yes, they tend to run around and try to hide behind things"

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I agree completely about UPS. Those people could fuck up a free lunch.

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

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Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

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Life is like eating a jar of jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

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now my faith in humanity is plunging like Amy Winehouse into a pile of blow

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Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading

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Baby seal meat makes my dick harder than Chinese math.

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Cats are Gods version of ballistic gelatin.

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Measure twice, cut once. Then realize you measured wrong twice. Repeat till out of beer and call it a day.

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Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars.

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One great thing about being a liberal is never being held accountable for the consequences of your actions.

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He'd hit that like a retard with a drumset from what I've seen

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"When you pick a cat up by the tail, you learn something you can learn no other way."
--Mark Twain

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Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before... He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.
--Kurt Vonnegut

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They say a dog is Man’s best friend, but I don’t even have enemies who’ll look me dead in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet.

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100 thousand sperm and you were the fastest?

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Telling someone how much ammo you have is like telling them how many women you've slept with......if the real # is high enough to brag about, you're better off keeping that info to yourself.

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There are three ways to argue with a woman. None of them work.

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Friendly FYI. If you're going to google the actor Gary Oldman...for the love of god, don't forget the "r".

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I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would learn to manage their fuckin stupidity....

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The only time you have too much ammo is when your house is on fire...

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Hippie is not a religious belief, it is an advanced state of unemployment

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Best lesson an old timer ever taught me: there's a difference between hardcore and stupid.

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[Yasherka]

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Arguing with liberals is like playing chess with a pigeon; no matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to knock over the pieces, shit on the board, and strut around like it is victorious.

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“Son, you don’t poke a wolverine with a sharp stick unless you want your balls ripped off.”
- Mike Vanderboegh

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...I long for the day when reality bitch slaps my generation.
- athhud

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The quickest way to get a flat out revolution in this country is to cut off the food to the free-shit army

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There is no such thing as too much gun, you can't kill something too dead, however, you can damn sure kill it not dead enough

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The mark of true quality drivel is the inclusion of some small morsel of truth. Beware the intensely smiling moron.
- Greg Langelius

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Sheep have two speeds: grazing and stampede
- Lt. Col. Dave Grossman

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As if thats not enough to make me feel great about being a Marine but more importantly an American, this morning I read a report about some asshole that dies from the fumes ingested while burning the American flag. Look, we whipped the world's ass at the Olympics, we have a fucking SUV rolling around on Mars, and now our flag has a confirmed kill. How great is that?

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The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
- Charles Bukowski

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Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair, or fucking beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you've got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man... and give some back.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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Sweat dries, blood clots, and bones heal,
suck it up

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Stupidity isn’t free, it comes with a price
--Emperor Misha

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If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it

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Your tears nourish my garden of hate for you.

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When people come to me and ask if I was a marine I always pause and reflect on my recent actions, I ask myself if I was doing anything retarded or talking too much imaginary bullsht, then I correct them.

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Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business

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"Yeah, I knew that dude! Death on wheels. We were stationed together in Phuc Dat in '69-'70. Wore a necklace of uncircumcised gook penises."
--Agent Orange

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Collectivism leads to concentration camps, leader worship and war
--George Orwell, 1944

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"By denying the truth, your state of suck (the potential) has been fullfilled and you have experienced the metamorphosis, the transformation into suck (the real). You and suck are one, inseparable. Therefore, just as you are, so do you suck. It has become real and therefore the truth."

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Seriously, where does Obama get off talking about the private sector? He's never even been there. That's like me talking about Turkmenistan. Heck, Obama's spent more time in a madrassa than he has in the private sector.
--View from the Porch: Ignorance is Bliss

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When you pay people to be sorry or stupid they will never disappoint you!
--Gunfighter14e2

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If you don't understand why the free world hates California then you must be from California.
--KYpatriot

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the unhappy fact that at the root of practically every major public-policy problem facing this country is either a public-sector union shouting “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” or a lunatic shouting “Allahu akbar!” Neither group is composed of especially reasonable people.
--NRO

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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. No outside beverages either - they're really strict about that shit

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Patience, perseverance and profanity can stretch a mosquito’s asshole over a 4 gallon bucket

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[Yasherka]

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Things have been going great since we redefined success as slowing the rate of failure.

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Asphalt: Helping yuppies go off road for 100 years.

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heavy equipment operates in a constant state of self destruct

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The fact that there's a "Highway to Hell" but only a "Stairway to Heaven" says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers......

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A Progressive is just a Marxist with low testosterone.
--Ben Dover via NRO

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The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.
--Marcus Aurelius

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Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.
--Ron Swanson

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America: We build monster trucks for fun. We build 1500 HP funny cars that can accelerate to 300 MPH in 2 seconds... because we are bored. Piss us the fu** off and see what we'll build.

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whats a good soap to get the cheeto dust off my dong?
--VJJPunisher

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I'm fluent in three languages: English, sarcasm and profanity.

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I find it so odd that something as simple as a pack of wild dogs can rip a family apart….

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Whenever I screw up really bad, I remember that somewhere, an ant just delivered borax laced food to its queen and subsequently killed the entire family.

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Just because the lemmings all jump off a cliff together doesn't mean that they conspired to. It just means that they're lemmings.
--Sirhr

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[Fig]

There is a lot of truth there!

 

[Maser]

No famous quotes from me? I feel so left out.

 

[lash]

That was a hugely satisfying batch of quotes to read. Nice collection and thanks for sharing.

I have some somewhere, but not near as many and certainly not as organized.

 

[Bender]

Hey, do you guys know about those sex boxes? The ones that your wank fits just perfect in the circle opening? People put them in flower gardens in front of their houses????




Apparently those are for birds....



-Bender-

 

[DRandi]

That was a awesome read. Thanks for brightening my evening.