To resize brass to the rifle from which it was fired is usually performed by what's called "bumping" the shoulder back. This means, rather than resizing the case in a full length sizing die, the sizing die is backed off slightly so that only the shoulder of the case is resized (or bumped back). Alternatively, you can use stepped shell holders that have been machined to different thicknesses and keep the die in the same position.
http://www.redding-reloading.com/online-catalog/35-competition-shellholder-sets The "right" seating depth is the seating depth that produces the best groups. If you mean, how to determine the seating depth at which the bullet contacts the lands of the rifling, it can be done in a number of ways. Either use a seating depth gauge such as the Hornady seating depth gauge, or "smudge" the bullet with candle soot and chamber at progressively longer seating depth until you see the marks of the lands smudge the soot.
Once you know the cartridge length where the ogive of the bullet contacts the lands, you can begin testing of best seating depth. A generally accepted starting point is .020" off the lands. This distance is called the "jump". Testing different bullet jump distances will show you the best seating depth for your rifle/powder/bullet load.
A good resource is Panhandle Precision video series:
Seating Depth
COAL vs CBTO
Redding Competition Dies & Shellholders