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Maggie’s Say it nicely

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Gunny Sergeant
Full Member
Minuteman
Nov 5, 2007
1,421
1
106
fake
www.chinesefortunecalendar.com
These sound better than saying that "<span style="font-weight: bold">someone is stupid</span>."

1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair

6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate

11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Room temperature IQ

16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill

26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control

31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little

36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts
39. He's not the brightest light in the harbor
40. He's not the brightest crayon in the box
 
Re: Say it nicely

My favorite, "You're a stupid fuck"

Doesn't sound better, but is more efficient.
 
Re: Say it nicely

All courtesy of my now retired shift sergeant Gerald "Pa Paw" Roland.

Also when speaking of an especially dumb detective, "That dumb son of a bitch couldn't track a meunstrating elephant through a snow bank."

I dang near passed out from lack of oxygen when he popped that one off. We have an entire collection of what we call "Geraldisms" here at the PD.
 
Re: Say it nicely

One of my favorites from my working days: "He's so lost that he couldn't find his own asshole with both hands and a flashlight".

There were a few different helpers which earned that title.
 
Re: Say it nicely

"His brain's only for life support"

Not mine, and cant remember where I heard it but its good
 
Re: Say it nicely

My office manager mumbled something behind my back about me being an "Atari 64 processor in a Pentium Quad Core Motherboard". She's a real computer geek; anyone know what she meant by that?
whistle.gif
 
Re: Say it nicely

Don't overlook "He's all fucked up like polio" or "Fucked up like Peanutbutter mouthwash" and "Wrong as two boys fuckin' on a firebreak" All courtsy of "Hard as woodpecker lips" SGT Gates- Crusty Old SF Guy. I remember one time some young PVT said "Hey Long-Tab what group are you with? and "Hard as woodpecker lips" SGT Gates said "Led Zepplin Mother Fucker!" I almost shit myself from laughn' so hard.
 
Re: Say it nicely

It is not related to intelligence but I always liked the phrase "happier than a f@g with a bag full of d!cks". I find it amusing.

Or for the weather "it's hotter than 2 rats f-ing in a wool sock here".
 
Re: Say it nicely

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KRAKER</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Don't overlook "He's all fucked up like polio" or "Fucked up like Peanutbutter mouthwash" and "Wrong as two boys fuckin' on a firebreak" All courtsy of "Hard as woodpecker lips" SGT Gates- Crusty Old SF Guy. I remember one time some young PVT said "Hey Long-Tab what group are you with? and "Hard as woodpecker lips" SGT Gates said "Led Zepplin Mother Fucker!" I almost shit myself from laughn' so hard. </div></div>

I always like "The dude is hard as woodpecker lips in January."

Or, "tight as a knats ass around a 55 gallon drum."

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KRAKER</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I remember one time some young PVT said "Hey Long-Tab what group are you with? and "Hard as woodpecker lips" SGT Gates said "Led Zepplin Mother Fucker!" I almost shit myself from laughn' so hard. </div></div>

Btw, THAT shit is FUNNY.
 
Re: Say it nicely

"If his IQ was one point higher he would be a rock"

"That empty space between his ears is a perfect example of natures frenzied attempt to plug a vacuum."
 
Re: Say it nicely

"it's like watching a retard try to hump a door knob."
 
Re: Say it nicely

Failed experiment in artificial intelligence.

His/her elevator doesn't go all the way up.
 
Re: Say it nicely

"He's sharper than the leading edge on a bowling ball."