Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor

[Duc]

• '‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.' —Demetri Martin



• Q: What has four legs and one arm?

A: A happy pit bull.



• 'Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.' —Jimmy Carr



• Q: Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny.



• “I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.” —Mitch Hedberg



• Q: What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?

A: Nothing.



• “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” —Steven Wright

 

[HuskerDragon]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Tucker301]

 

[Barneybdb]

 

[sirhrmechanic]

^^^ Bet that is popular in prison....

Cheers,

Sirhr

 

[MtnCreek]

 

[MtnCreek]

 

[MtnCreek]

 

[MtnCreek]

 

[diverdon]

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of going to heaven.

She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?' Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

By now she was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' she asked them again. Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

By this point, the teacher was simply bursting with pride for them. 'Well,' she continued, 'then how "can* I get into Heaven?'

A five-year-old boy shouted from the back, 'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!'

 

[diverdon]

A man on his way home from work came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, ''Sir, Hilary Clinton has just been implicated in another scandal and she's all depressed. She's stopped her motorcade in the middle of the highway and she's threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She can't repay the money she borrowed to fund her election campaign and she doesn't have the $33.5 million she owes her lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for her''
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"Well, right now I have about three hundred gallons."

 

[MtnCreek]

 

[Tucker301]

 

[southerngolfer]

So true

 

[sirhrmechanic]

Wow... just wow....

Cheers,

Sirhr

P.S. I didn't say I wasn't laughing...

 

[diverdon]

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." ;

 

[diverdon]

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;

I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

 

[1J04]

 

[1J04]

 

[1J04]

 

[1J04]

 

[1J04]

 

[Rthur]

R

 

[sirhrmechanic]

^^^ Yeah, he learned that the vasectomy just changed the color of the babies....

Cheers,

Sirhr

 

[Barneybdb]

 

[1J04]

 

[1J04]

I thought Grandma got ran over by a Reindeer?

 

[1J04]

And just in case ya wanted to see some cool cats. The Comrade on the left thinks he Pele' lol. What in the hell were they thinking?

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[1J04]

We started playing this at work years ago to drive a friend nuts. Every time he came into the Office we'd play this vid and pump up the volume. Unfortunately the damn song stuck in all our heads for like EVER. Funny as hell.

 

[sirhrmechanic]

^^^ That's unacceptable? Well, the song stuck in my head sure is.

Here... this is some unacceptable humor!

 

[Thumper580]

SirHR..you are a sick man and I respect and appreciate it!! Keep up the good work!!

 

[para72]

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk

 

[para72]

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk

 

[Rthur]

R

 

[1J04]

^^^ That's unacceptable? Well, the song stuck in my head sure is.

Here... this is some unacceptable humor!

My wife is wondering why I'm laughing out loud while watching the NCAA championship game. I don't have a good answer you crazy fuck.

 

[sirhrmechanic]

 

[1J04]

PPB has been very very busy that dirty rascal............

 

[1J04]

And for those that have always pondered to themselves, "I wonder what side Smokey dresses on". Well, ponder and you shall receive.

​​​​​​

 

[1J04]

 

[1J04]

 

[1J04]

 

[1J04]

Let's count with Count von Count, shall we?



How many Ben Wa Balls kids ?

[IMG2=JSON]{"data-align":"none","data-size":"full","src":"http:\/\/i.imgur.com\/CrCrBcq.gif"}[/IMG2]


"One"

That's correct, one. One Ben Wa Ball.



Now if that doesn't make ya laugh you're either sleeping or dead. I hope you're sleeping. Really.

 

[sirhrmechanic]

 

[sirhrmechanic]

So do Muslim pedophiles fap to pictures of baby goats????

 

[sirhrmechanic]

Well, WTF.... I'm already going to Hell.... I LOL'd....

AJ, if your wife is within earshot... Hit Mute. I mean NOW, brother. NOW. Because you can't afford to have her looking over your shoulder on this one. You have any idea where she'll put the Brussels Sprouts if she catches you?

Thanks to one of my sick, sick ameegos... for sending me this. I had to share.

 

[MtnCreek]

Times have changed. Used to be hand jobs and blow jobs from the more adventurist "good girls". I think if they've gone ass-mouth, the white dress (and any kissing) should be out!

 

[sirhrmechanic]

Yup....

 

[sirhrmechanic]

Well, AJ... apparently, you and I are on a roll tonite. Be beside you digging ditches in Hades, buddy.

Boowah, ha ah hah ahaha ha hh aha aha ah haa

'Cough.'

Funny stuff right there.

Sirhr

 

[1J04]

Well, WTF.... I'm already going to Hell.... I LOL'd....

AJ, if your wife is within earshot... Hit Mute. I mean NOW, brother. NOW. Because you can't afford to have her looking over your shoulder on this one. You have any idea where she'll put the Brussels Sprouts if she catches you?

Thanks to one of my sick, sick ameegos... for sending me this. I had to share.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Ladies and Gentlemen please may we have order? Order please..........

We are only in thee 1st quarter of the year but we have already found this years winner of the board. As(s) awkward as this phenom may be, it's true and oh so right. Beautifully done and vaguely familiar facial expressions from the long long ago.

Thank you and very good warning. Can't wait for the sequel.

 

[sirhrmechanic]

Technically, we are in the second quarter...

But I will temporarily don the laurel of unacceptableness until handing it off to you or Barney or Ruthr... or one of my other fellow SUH crazies. Because in 2017 terms, I am betting we ain't seen 'nothing yet! Wake up in the morning and it's the world we live in!

Cheers,

Sirhr