You know the worst part about going to the abortion clinic? Having to go back in to borrow a coat hanger after you locked the keys in your car.
Na, that's a benefit. The good part is that you can hang out around one and find a date that you know will put out.
The Queen of England and the pope both wound up at the same opera in Norther Ireland, and were in adjoining balcony seats. They start discussing their influence over their respective flocks, and the Queen starts bragging a little. She says:
"With a small wave of my hand I can make all of the Englishmen break into joyous cheer."
The pope asks her to prove it, so she stands and gives a small wave to the crowd. The Englishmen break into cheer.
The pope not to be outdone says:
"But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy, be they catholic OR PROTESTANT? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."
The queen tells him to prove it, so he slapped the bitch.
"With a small wave of my hand I can make all of the Englishmen break into joyous cheer."
The pope asks her to prove it, so she stands and gives a small wave to the crowd. The Englishmen break into cheer.
The pope not to be outdone says:
"But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy, be they catholic OR PROTESTANT? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."
The queen tells him to prove it, so he slapped the bitch.
Nice one!^
What's the difference between a queer and a refrigerator?
The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What do you call a dead baby on a door step
Mat
Mat
What's the difference between rape and consensual sex?
Salesmanship
Duct tape, it's the difference in between "No, Stop" and "Mmm Hmmm"
The most awesome bumper sticker in the world says, Support the MARINES My girlfriends husband fights for your freedom.
You know the biggest difference in between the muslim extremists and the American Soldier?
We prefer fucking our virgins before we die.
Apparently convincing a girl that just gave up her virginity to you, to take in the ass on the same night is considered horrible to her parents. I wonder what they'd think if they knew it was in her mouth right after that.
You know the best thing about high school chicks?
As you get older they just always stay the same age.
Salesmanship
Duct tape, it's the difference in between "No, Stop" and "Mmm Hmmm"
The most awesome bumper sticker in the world says, Support the MARINES My girlfriends husband fights for your freedom.
You know the biggest difference in between the muslim extremists and the American Soldier?
We prefer fucking our virgins before we die.
Apparently convincing a girl that just gave up her virginity to you, to take in the ass on the same night is considered horrible to her parents. I wonder what they'd think if they knew it was in her mouth right after that.
You know the best thing about high school chicks?
As you get older they just always stay the same age.
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down the local beerhall. One of them says, "You know Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick". "How did You get it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right up her". Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull get's a rip roaring boner and immediately get's it right up the cow. Ben was impressed. That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and get's a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey look!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean You woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that You have a nosebleed?"
ROFLMFAO! You would be a fucking blast to sit at the bar with barney!
Next time you are in my part of Australia we could go to the pub and swap some jokes, I have given up travelling to the USA.
Have another one....
Two men were driving down the road when a sign appeared to them advertising 'PEACHES FOR SALE, ANY WAY YOU LIKE THEM!!!!'. The two men looked at each other completely confused. So they continued driving and they see the same sign. 'PEACHES FOR SALE, ANY WAY YOU LIKE THEM!!!! NEXT EXIT!! So the two men looked at each other wondering, a peach is a peach, how else would they come? So they decided that they were going to check this place out. When they arrived at the place that sold peaches any way you like them, they got out of the car the place had a large shed and trees all around growing with peaches. The men looked around for a couple of minutes and an old farmer came out of the shed asking how he could help the two young men. Immediately one of the men asked about the sign advertising the peaches any way you liked them. The old farmer asked the first young man what his favorite kind of food was and he said that he absolutely loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. So the farmer goes in his shed and gives the man a peach and tells him to take a large bite out of it. When the young man did so, he exclaimed, "WOW! This tastes just like peanut butter!" The old man told him to turn it around and taste the other side. "WOW!", the young man said, "This tastes just like peach jelly!!!" The farmer looked pleased with himself and he turned to the other young man. "So what's your favorite kind of food?" Well, this took him quite a bit longer to decide because he was so amazed by this creation. Then he finally looked at the farmer with a big grin and replied, "Let's just see if you have this kind of peach in store. I would have to say pussy, pussy is my FAVORITE kind of food!!" So the farmer smiled and went into the shed and brought out another peach and gave it to the young man. The man took a large bite out of the peach waiting to savor the taste and right when he did so, he shouted in disgust, "Man!! This tastes like shit!!!!!" The farmer smiled and looked at him and said, "Try the other side!!!".
Two men were driving down the road when a sign appeared to them advertising 'PEACHES FOR SALE, ANY WAY YOU LIKE THEM!!!!'. The two men looked at each other completely confused. So they continued driving and they see the same sign. 'PEACHES FOR SALE, ANY WAY YOU LIKE THEM!!!! NEXT EXIT!! So the two men looked at each other wondering, a peach is a peach, how else would they come? So they decided that they were going to check this place out. When they arrived at the place that sold peaches any way you like them, they got out of the car the place had a large shed and trees all around growing with peaches. The men looked around for a couple of minutes and an old farmer came out of the shed asking how he could help the two young men. Immediately one of the men asked about the sign advertising the peaches any way you liked them. The old farmer asked the first young man what his favorite kind of food was and he said that he absolutely loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. So the farmer goes in his shed and gives the man a peach and tells him to take a large bite out of it. When the young man did so, he exclaimed, "WOW! This tastes just like peanut butter!" The old man told him to turn it around and taste the other side. "WOW!", the young man said, "This tastes just like peach jelly!!!" The farmer looked pleased with himself and he turned to the other young man. "So what's your favorite kind of food?" Well, this took him quite a bit longer to decide because he was so amazed by this creation. Then he finally looked at the farmer with a big grin and replied, "Let's just see if you have this kind of peach in store. I would have to say pussy, pussy is my FAVORITE kind of food!!" So the farmer smiled and went into the shed and brought out another peach and gave it to the young man. The man took a large bite out of the peach waiting to savor the taste and right when he did so, he shouted in disgust, "Man!! This tastes like shit!!!!!" The farmer smiled and looked at him and said, "Try the other side!!!".
A local professional hunter/trapper named John goes to the bar. He is well known as being the best in the area. As he sits down and orders his first drink, he has a couple locals site by him and begins to shoot the breeze. A few drinks later and another local hunter comes in to celebrate a successful hunt. Low on money, but not wanting to leave yet, John bets the hunter a beer that blindfolded, he can guess by the hole in the animals hide, what it was shot with. The hunter takes the bet, they blindfold John, and the hunter goes out and grabs the animal hide from the truck. John rubs the hide and puts his finger in the hole, and says "elk 7mm mag". The hunter couldn't believe it, John was right. The hunter buys John a beer, but tells him that he got lucky. The hunter says it is elk season, and the 7mm is a common elk caliber. Insulted, John exclaims to everyone in the bar that he will bet anyone a beer that blindfolded he can guess what animal, and what it was killed with. So all night long John drinks for free as people bring hides they have testing his extraordinary ability. By bar time, John is wasted, and they get him a cab ride home. He wakes up the next morning miserable, and stumbles into the bathroom. He looks in the mirror and sees his face is scratched up, and he has a black eye. He can't remember much of anything that happened the night before? He walks back into the bedroom and asks his wife if he had come home looking like this? She said, No you asshole, you come home drunk, put your hand down my pants and said " Skunk killed with a hatchet"
SIMPLE TRUTH #1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH #2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."
THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
AND A BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH #2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."
THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
AND A BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
I'm copying this. ^^^ Barneybdb, you have the best 'sick' posts!
FOR SALE
2013 F-250 Ford
4 wheel drive, crew cab, Lariet package,
low miles, only driven to work. garage kept, only seen rain once,
Priced to sell. make offer
Having phone issues so just come by and take a look
can be seen on corner of main and second street
Moore OK.
ps. it's the red one in the living room
2013 F-250 Ford
4 wheel drive, crew cab, Lariet package,
low miles, only driven to work. garage kept, only seen rain once,
Priced to sell. make offer
Having phone issues so just come by and take a look
can be seen on corner of main and second street
Moore OK.
ps. it's the red one in the living room
may be a little too soon . but we're all going to be drinkin at maggots bar anyway.
An expedition was assembled long ago to search for the fabled creature called Bigfoot. After a year of looking and many miles covered they came across another Indian village. The tribes chief seeing the came in peace welcomed them, and offered the team shelter for the night. As they ate dinner and talked with the chief, he asked where they were headed. The leader of the expedition told the chief they were looking for Sasquatch. The chief who spoke very little English, did not know what that was? The leader, thinks for a second on how to explain the beast to the chief, then proclaims; " Its big, harry, and smells terrible" the chief's eyes light up and he says " me know what you look for now. We call it Squaw snatch"
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed,naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shat On my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air.
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. "Well there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So whats the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?" What do I have to lose? Lets do it. So the doctor preforms the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs, it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some pressure.
Suddenly his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the table top and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. "WOW" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do it again?" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says "Probably... But I dont know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."
Suddenly his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the table top and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. "WOW" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do it again?" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says "Probably... But I dont know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she made him a cup of tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
An Australian woodpecker and a Kiwi woodpecker were on the Gold Coast arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Australian woodpecker claimed that Australia had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Kiwi woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Australian woodpecker was amazed.
The Kiwi woodpecker then challenged the Australian woodpecker to peck a tree in Rotorua that was absolutely 'un-peckable'. The Australian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Rotorua where the Australian woodpecker easily pecked the so-called 'un-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Kiwi woodpecker was able to peck the Australian tree, and the Australian woodpecker was able to peck the Kiwi tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion.
Apparently, your pecker gets much harder when you're away from home
The Kiwi woodpecker then challenged the Australian woodpecker to peck a tree in Rotorua that was absolutely 'un-peckable'. The Australian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Rotorua where the Australian woodpecker easily pecked the so-called 'un-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Kiwi woodpecker was able to peck the Australian tree, and the Australian woodpecker was able to peck the Kiwi tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion.
Apparently, your pecker gets much harder when you're away from home
ROFLMMFAO! tobacco now on keyboard, thanks Barney for the laughs, those are fucking awesome!
LOL Going to remember those for sure.
Does my cake come in the mail or do I have to pick it up?
I don't believe I broke any site rules, but thank you for your concern.
Mother nature was walking through the woods one day when she passed a yellow toad.
The yellow toad went hopping after here exclaiming
"Mother Nature Mother Nature, you have to help me!"
"What seems to be the problem?" asked Mother Nature.
The toad replied, "Well isn't that obvious? I'm YELLOW. Toads aren't supposed to be yellow, they're supposed to be GREEN"
"That's an easy fixed." replied Mother Nature, and with a quick wave of her wand, the toad turned green. That is, except for his privates.
"MOTHER NATURE MOTHER NATURE", the toad yelled, "This is MUCH worse. I cant go through life with a yellow d***. You have to do SOMETHING!!"
Mother nature replied, "Sorry, that is the best I can do."
Now pleading, the toad asked "Is there ANYONE that can help me??"
"Why yes, my little friend, I think the Wizard of Oz might be able to help." replied Mother Nature
With that, the little toad went off in search of the Wizard of Oz and Mother Nature continued her walk.
A little later she came upon a pink elephant.
The pink elephant, overjoyed at seeing Mother Nature asked, "Mother Nature can you help me please?"
"What seems to be the problem?" asked Mother Nature.
"WHATS THE PROBLEM, WHATS THE PROBLEM. I'm PINK, that's the PROBLEM!!" Bellowed the elephant. "Elephants are supposed to be GREY, none of the other elephants will talk to me I'm miserable."
"That's an easy fixed." replied Mother Nature, and with a quick wave of her wand, the elephant turned grey. That is, except for his privates.
Now the elephant is furious, "THIS IS WORSE THAN BEFORE, I'll never get a date You have to fix this!!"
Mother nature replied, "Sorry, that is the best I can do."
"Is there ANYONE that can help me???"
"Why yes, my big friend, I think the Wizard of Oz might be able to help." replied Mother Nature
"And just how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"That's easy" replied Mother Nature, "Just follow the yellow dicked toad"
The yellow toad went hopping after here exclaiming
"Mother Nature Mother Nature, you have to help me!"
"What seems to be the problem?" asked Mother Nature.
The toad replied, "Well isn't that obvious? I'm YELLOW. Toads aren't supposed to be yellow, they're supposed to be GREEN"
"That's an easy fixed." replied Mother Nature, and with a quick wave of her wand, the toad turned green. That is, except for his privates.
"MOTHER NATURE MOTHER NATURE", the toad yelled, "This is MUCH worse. I cant go through life with a yellow d***. You have to do SOMETHING!!"
Mother nature replied, "Sorry, that is the best I can do."
Now pleading, the toad asked "Is there ANYONE that can help me??"
"Why yes, my little friend, I think the Wizard of Oz might be able to help." replied Mother Nature
With that, the little toad went off in search of the Wizard of Oz and Mother Nature continued her walk.
A little later she came upon a pink elephant.
The pink elephant, overjoyed at seeing Mother Nature asked, "Mother Nature can you help me please?"
"What seems to be the problem?" asked Mother Nature.
"WHATS THE PROBLEM, WHATS THE PROBLEM. I'm PINK, that's the PROBLEM!!" Bellowed the elephant. "Elephants are supposed to be GREY, none of the other elephants will talk to me I'm miserable."
"That's an easy fixed." replied Mother Nature, and with a quick wave of her wand, the elephant turned grey. That is, except for his privates.
Now the elephant is furious, "THIS IS WORSE THAN BEFORE, I'll never get a date You have to fix this!!"
Mother nature replied, "Sorry, that is the best I can do."
"Is there ANYONE that can help me???"
"Why yes, my big friend, I think the Wizard of Oz might be able to help." replied Mother Nature
"And just how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"That's easy" replied Mother Nature, "Just follow the yellow dicked toad"
My wife died in a yachting accident. I took a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt to her funeral. It's what she would have wanted.
A mate came to visit me in hospital, I was pretty well banged up with numerous broken bones, two black eyes, busted nose and lucky to get away with still retaining a couple of teeth.
"Jeezus ol' mate, what the hell happened to you!" my mate said.
"Well" I replies painfully, "I took my wife out for a round of golf and all was going great until we came to the par 4 13th. I placed my ball on the tee and smacked a lovely 3 wood straight up the guts, but the missus went for the driver and her ball took most horrid hook I'd ever seen. Her ball went around a stand of trees and out of bounds into a paddock."
"Then what happened bud?"
"I said to the wife not to worry about the ball and hit another, but you know women mate, she simply had to get that ball back."
"So you went into the paddock?"
"Yeah, we went into the paddock to search for her frigging ball, we must have been searching for around ten minutes without any success, when the lone cow in the field gave a moo. I don't know why I walked over to the cow, but I did."
"Was the ball under the cow mate and it stomped you when you tried to get it?"
"No, I went over to the cow and noticed its tail was in a strange position so I lifted its tail and bugger me, there stuck firmly in its arse was my my wife's golf ball."
"So the cow kicked you for lifting its tail?"
"No mate, I looked over at my missus, and holding the cow's tail in the air I innocently sung out to her- Hey love, this looks like yours!"
"Jeezus ol' mate, what the hell happened to you!" my mate said.
"Well" I replies painfully, "I took my wife out for a round of golf and all was going great until we came to the par 4 13th. I placed my ball on the tee and smacked a lovely 3 wood straight up the guts, but the missus went for the driver and her ball took most horrid hook I'd ever seen. Her ball went around a stand of trees and out of bounds into a paddock."
"Then what happened bud?"
"I said to the wife not to worry about the ball and hit another, but you know women mate, she simply had to get that ball back."
"So you went into the paddock?"
"Yeah, we went into the paddock to search for her frigging ball, we must have been searching for around ten minutes without any success, when the lone cow in the field gave a moo. I don't know why I walked over to the cow, but I did."
"Was the ball under the cow mate and it stomped you when you tried to get it?"
"No, I went over to the cow and noticed its tail was in a strange position so I lifted its tail and bugger me, there stuck firmly in its arse was my my wife's golf ball."
"So the cow kicked you for lifting its tail?"
"No mate, I looked over at my missus, and holding the cow's tail in the air I innocently sung out to her- Hey love, this looks like yours!"
Reminds me of the question: what kind of wood doesn't float?
Natalie Wood.
Cheers,
Sirhr
Natalie Wood.
Cheers,
Sirhr
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman,one Anne
Maynard has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was
treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, “Mr Maynard was actually admitted in
Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”
Maynard has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was
treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, “Mr Maynard was actually admitted in
Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”
> *The Husband takes the Wife to a disco.*
> *There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon
> walking, back flips, the works.
>
> The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?*
> *25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
>
> Husband says: *
> *"Looks like he's still f***in celebrating!!!*
> *There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon
> walking, back flips, the works.
>
> The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?*
> *25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
>
> Husband says: *
> *"Looks like he's still f***in celebrating!!!*
Went into to a little road side dinner and the sign behind the counter read
"Tuesdays hand jobs five dollars"
"Ham Sandwiches four dollars"
I asked what day it was and the lady said Friday, I said I would take a ham sandwich then.
"Tuesdays hand jobs five dollars"
"Ham Sandwiches four dollars"
I asked what day it was and the lady said Friday, I said I would take a ham sandwich then.
I heard this one go....
Went into to a little road side dinner and the sign behind the counter read
"Hand jobs five dollars"
"Cheeseburger four dollars"
I called the cute thing behind the counter over and asked "Are you the one who gives hand jobs?"
"I sure am sugar." She replied.
"Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
A mate of mine just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said, “Bloody hell, that’s amazing, but how can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache!"
I said, “Bloody hell, that’s amazing, but how can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache!"
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick!'
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman say, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it, until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut, and that does the trick...."
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman say, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it, until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut, and that does the trick...."
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change. All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Oh no!" he moaned "This means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will" one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all".
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Oh no!" he moaned "This means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will" one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all".
A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!"
The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
The back of your hand.
The back of your hand.
A woman goes to see her physiatrist. She tells the doctor "I'm very worried about my husbands temper he just gets so mad ever night that he leaves to go get drunk."
Doctor " I know just the cure. When your husband first starts showing signs of irritability, get a drink if water and just swish it in your mouth until he seems happy."
Excited to try the new remedy she rushes home and fixes dinner. All through the evening she swishes the water when she thinks her husband is getting irritated. It worked wonderfully. So the next day she calls the doctor, "Wow I never knew water was such a powerful calming device."
Doctor, "The magic isn't the water, it's the keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Doctor " I know just the cure. When your husband first starts showing signs of irritability, get a drink if water and just swish it in your mouth until he seems happy."
Excited to try the new remedy she rushes home and fixes dinner. All through the evening she swishes the water when she thinks her husband is getting irritated. It worked wonderfully. So the next day she calls the doctor, "Wow I never knew water was such a powerful calming device."
Doctor, "The magic isn't the water, it's the keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
how many guys does it take to change a light bulb in the kitchen?
NONE the bitch can cook in the dark...
Thats the worst one I can think of.
NONE the bitch can cook in the dark...
Thats the worst one I can think of.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a lawn mower? Take the rag out of her hand and send the bitch outside.
Definition of a wife - an attachment you screw on the bed to do the washing and ironing for you.
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
Why did they invent the shopping cart? To teach women to walk on their hind feet.
Why did they invent the shopping cart? To teach women to walk on their hind feet.
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