Tbh I think Ike Turner has them both beat
Sirhr
Last edited:
Chickenshit.
How do you load dead babies onto a pick up truck?
Pitchfork.
Now drop that joke, UC....
What do you get when you put a dead baby in a microwave?
I don't know about you, but I get aroused.
I don't know about you, but I get aroused.
Best way to get a dead baby out of a blender? Doritos.
Cheers,
Sirhr
Cheers,
Sirhr
And how do you tell if one of em ain't quite dead?>>>>> The fork handle starts quivering in your hands.
Bob
This guy had horns surgically implanted and 666 tatooed across his forehead, then murdered three people. Notice the smile. I hope he smiles as the needle goes in his arm.
Triple murder suspect Caius Veiovis 'came to Home Depot looking for SAWS' | Mail Online
Triple murder suspect Caius Veiovis 'came to Home Depot looking for SAWS' | Mail Online
Been following this one... as it's not far from home. Last time I saw this guy's idiot lawyer, he was 'concerned that the jury would be biased by his HORNS..."
But am resigned to the fact that it's Massachusetts... they won't give him the blue juice... they'll get him a barred condo overlooking a nice lake, let him eat a nutritionally-balanced salad bar every day, pay for his in-captivity law degree and his theology PhD. And in 10 years, they'll say he is over his mommy issues, they'll let him out, he'll get a professorship at Bentley College and he'll run for Senate. It's how they roll there...
Of course, what he DESERVES... is completely different. And I would not describe it even here on the SUH thread...
Cheers,
Sirhr
What did janay rice do after she woke up from that left hook? Get her ass back to the kitchen if she knows what's good for her!
An appointment with a brush chipper would seem a logical outcome.
I would love to add a few more horns on his body before the wood chipper!
A man and woman got married, and as they were old-fashioned, they had never had sexual relations. On their wedding night, as the man began to get undressed, his twisted and mangled toes came into view, causing his new bride to gasp.
"Oh" he said "I should have told you before now, I contracted Tolio as a child". "Tolio?" she said "Don't you mean Polio...?" "No" he said "look at my toes, I had a severe case of Tolio". The wife agreed that he did.
As he continued to undress, his multi-coloured and deformed knees came into view, again causing his new spouse to gasp. "After the Tolio, I contracted the Kneasles" the man said. "Kneasles...?" his wife replied "you don't mean Measles?" "No" he said "look at my knees, I had the Kneasles".
As he continued to undress, taking off his pants, his wife cried out loud "Oh my GOD, you caught the Small Cox, too"!!!
"Oh" he said "I should have told you before now, I contracted Tolio as a child". "Tolio?" she said "Don't you mean Polio...?" "No" he said "look at my toes, I had a severe case of Tolio". The wife agreed that he did.
As he continued to undress, his multi-coloured and deformed knees came into view, again causing his new spouse to gasp. "After the Tolio, I contracted the Kneasles" the man said. "Kneasles...?" his wife replied "you don't mean Measles?" "No" he said "look at my knees, I had the Kneasles".
As he continued to undress, taking off his pants, his wife cried out loud "Oh my GOD, you caught the Small Cox, too"!!!
A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold.
When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?
When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?
Muslim men pound each other in the ass for fun already. It's the weirdest thing, but they don't consider it a sin or against Allah or whoever. They even get down with animals. It's creepy as hell, but that's the way they roll.
Yeah, but so do white/black/hispanics. Its called Gay.
That's what's weird. They don't consider it gay. They all do it, or at least the large majority of the ones I had to interact with and train did. The terp explained it to us by saying in Islam faith men are for recreation sex and women are for procreation sex..... That's just the way they do things.
Maybe thats why Allah blessed them with so much oil...LOL
Odd, but the ancient Greeks felt much the same way. They had lots of olive oil.
Could we be seeing a trend?
LOL I never looked at it that way before.... very valid point!
If im not mistaken they used the legs didn't they? Or was it kids. one of the two.
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk. "What type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. "Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
"You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk. "What type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. "Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
"You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
A young guy from North Dakota moves to
Florida and goes to a big "everything under one
roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any
sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah.
I was a vacuum salesman back in
North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he
liked the kid and figured he'd give
Him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down
after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough,
but he got through it. After the Store
was locked up, the boss came down
to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought
something from you today son?"
The kid frowns and looks at the
floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our
sales people average sales to 20 to 30
customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon,
if you'd like to continue your
Employment here. We have very
strict standards for our sales force h
ere in Florida.
One sale a day might have been
acceptable in North Dakota, but you're
not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued
to look at his shoes, so the Boss felt kinda
bad for chewing him out on his first day.
He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So,
how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and
says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!?
What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold
him some new fish hooks. Then I Sold
him a new fishing rod to go with
his new hooks.
Then I asked him Where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so
I told him He was going to need a
boat,
so we went down to the boat department
And I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think His
Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that Ford 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him A
boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here
to buy Tampons for his wife, and I
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing.........'"
Florida and goes to a big "everything under one
roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any
sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah.
I was a vacuum salesman back in
North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he
liked the kid and figured he'd give
Him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down
after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough,
but he got through it. After the Store
was locked up, the boss came down
to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought
something from you today son?"
The kid frowns and looks at the
floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our
sales people average sales to 20 to 30
customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon,
if you'd like to continue your
Employment here. We have very
strict standards for our sales force h
ere in Florida.
One sale a day might have been
acceptable in North Dakota, but you're
not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued
to look at his shoes, so the Boss felt kinda
bad for chewing him out on his first day.
He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So,
how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and
says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!?
What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold
him some new fish hooks. Then I Sold
him a new fishing rod to go with
his new hooks.
Then I asked him Where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so
I told him He was going to need a
boat,
so we went down to the boat department
And I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think His
Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that Ford 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him A
boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here
to buy Tampons for his wife, and I
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing.........'"
Cheers,
Sirhr
Cheers,
Sirhr
What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair...
The wheelchair...
Two guys were walking down the street one day when they came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground. They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so the rightful owner could claim them. The first one starts to write out the sign "FOUND: one pair of boys gym shorts..." "Hold on" says the second "Those are girls gym shorts". "No they're not" says the first "They're boys shorts!" The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look "No, no... definitely girls gym shorts!" The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing. "Boys shorts!" "No, girls shorts!" "Definitely boys shorts!"... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument. The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts, but not from my parish!"
The best thing about dating a homeless chick? After dinner and a movie you can drop her off anywhere
Reminds me of another..
what's the best thing about oral sex with an Ethiopian chick???
you know she is gonna swallow...
what's the best thing about oral sex with an Ethiopian chick???
you know she is gonna swallow...
What is the first symptom of AIDS?
The pounding sensation in your ass...
The pounding sensation in your ass...
I snarfed wine through my nose when I read that! Remember, AIDS cures fags...
Cheers,
Sirhr
NOMINATED THE BEST RACIST JOKE OF THE YEAR
A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australiaman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia ."
The person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,
"Thank you for wonderful country Australia !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan . I am not Australian."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an Australia woman?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the Australian?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY TOMORROW,
YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.
A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australiaman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia ."
The person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,
"Thank you for wonderful country Australia !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan . I am not Australian."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an Australia woman?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the Australian?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY TOMORROW,
YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.
What do you call 3 black guys in the back of a barn?
Antique farm equipment
How do Mexicans play basketball?
Juan-on-Juan
I hate tacos, said noJuan ever
Why do Mexican drive low riders?
Easier to pick the lettuce
What do you call a white guy driving a Cadillac?
Stockbroker
What do you call black guy driving a Cadillac?
Pimp
What you call a Mexican driving a Cadillac?
Grand theft auto
What do you call 100 white guys running down a hillside?
Avalanche
What do you call 100 black guys running down a hillside?
Mudslide
What do you call 100 Mexicans running down a hillside?
Jail break
Black guy and a Puerto Rican in a car, who's driving?
The cop
What do you call a black NASCAR driver?
A NASCAR driver you racist fuck
Antique farm equipment
How do Mexicans play basketball?
Juan-on-Juan
I hate tacos, said noJuan ever
Why do Mexican drive low riders?
Easier to pick the lettuce
What do you call a white guy driving a Cadillac?
Stockbroker
What do you call black guy driving a Cadillac?
Pimp
What you call a Mexican driving a Cadillac?
Grand theft auto
What do you call 100 white guys running down a hillside?
Avalanche
What do you call 100 black guys running down a hillside?
Mudslide
What do you call 100 Mexicans running down a hillside?
Jail break
Black guy and a Puerto Rican in a car, who's driving?
The cop
What do you call a black NASCAR driver?
A NASCAR driver you racist fuck
A young man,talking to his Doctor,
Doc, I'm afraid I might have AIDS do you know of a cure ?
Doc says,
Listen to me, go immediately to Tijauana,Mexico,
Go to Revolution street, drink Tequila and Triple X beer nonstop for 24 hours,
eat food from every street vendor cart you see on the street,
For the next 8 hours, drink as much water as you can from the local water supply.
Young man says,
Doc,is that gonna cure my AIDS?
Doc says,
No, but it will damn well teach you what your asshole is for.
Doc, I'm afraid I might have AIDS do you know of a cure ?
Doc says,
Listen to me, go immediately to Tijauana,Mexico,
Go to Revolution street, drink Tequila and Triple X beer nonstop for 24 hours,
eat food from every street vendor cart you see on the street,
For the next 8 hours, drink as much water as you can from the local water supply.
Young man says,
Doc,is that gonna cure my AIDS?
Doc says,
No, but it will damn well teach you what your asshole is for.
I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.
When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favorite sex positions. One of them says, "I think rodeo would have to my favorite". The other one says, "I've never heard of that one, what is it?" So the first guy says, "You sit on your wife's back with your hands on her boobs and say, 'these feel just like your sister's' and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds".
Woman standing in front of the mirror complains to her husband:
- I look ugly. At least you tell me any compliment!
- Your vision is perfect!
The Navy Invented Sex
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?
Negative, maam. Just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action.
Yes, maam, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?
1955, maam.
Well, there you are. No wonder youre so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didnt forget much since 1955.
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; its only 2130 now.
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favorite sex positions. One of them says, "I think rodeo would have to my favorite". The other one says, "I've never heard of that one, what is it?" So the first guy says, "You sit on your wife's back with your hands on her boobs and say, 'these feel just like your sister's' and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds".
Woman standing in front of the mirror complains to her husband:
- I look ugly. At least you tell me any compliment!
- Your vision is perfect!
The Navy Invented Sex
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?
Negative, maam. Just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action.
Yes, maam, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?
1955, maam.
Well, there you are. No wonder youre so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didnt forget much since 1955.
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; its only 2130 now.
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Woman goes to her OBY/GYN and gets a checkup.After the checkup the doctor asks if she has any issues.She blushes and says yes.She tells the doc her husband wants to have sex ...you know in the other end.He assure her there is nothing to be embarrassed about and she should just relax,go slow,use lots of lube and protection so she doesnt get pregnant.
She starts laughing say you cant get pregnant from anal sex!
His reply was..Where do you think lawyers come from?
She starts laughing say you cant get pregnant from anal sex!
His reply was..Where do you think lawyers come from?
GUYS SENSITIVITY EXAM
1. IN THE COMPANY OF FEMALES, INTERCOURSE SHOULD BE REFERRED TO AS:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. YOU SHOULD MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN FOR THE FIRST TIME ONLY AFTER YOU'VE BOTH SHARED:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. A bottle of tequila.
3. YOU ALWAYS TIME YOUR ORGASM SO THAT:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.
4. PASSIONATE, SPONTANEOUS SEX ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR IS:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. SPENDING THE WHOLE NIGHT CUDDLING A WOMAN YOU'VE JUST HAD SEX WITH IS:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE'S GAINED FIVE POUNDS IN THE LAST MONTH. YOU TELL HER THAT IT IS:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. YOU THINK TODAY'S SENSITIVE, CARING MAN IS:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A fag.
8. FOREPLAY IS TO SEX AS:
A. An appetiser is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. A WOMAN WHO IS UNCOMFORTABLE WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
-If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
1. IN THE COMPANY OF FEMALES, INTERCOURSE SHOULD BE REFERRED TO AS:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. YOU SHOULD MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN FOR THE FIRST TIME ONLY AFTER YOU'VE BOTH SHARED:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. A bottle of tequila.
3. YOU ALWAYS TIME YOUR ORGASM SO THAT:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.
4. PASSIONATE, SPONTANEOUS SEX ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR IS:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. SPENDING THE WHOLE NIGHT CUDDLING A WOMAN YOU'VE JUST HAD SEX WITH IS:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE'S GAINED FIVE POUNDS IN THE LAST MONTH. YOU TELL HER THAT IT IS:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. YOU THINK TODAY'S SENSITIVE, CARING MAN IS:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A fag.
8. FOREPLAY IS TO SEX AS:
A. An appetiser is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. A WOMAN WHO IS UNCOMFORTABLE WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
-If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
They said sharpton was helping to pick next attorney general and as far as I am concerned the only thing sharpton is qualified to pick is COTTON.
Safety announcement:Before shaving your bum hair, READ THIS
STOP! Before you do, read this. You may change your mind.
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.
Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my bum of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My bum was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my bum off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.
As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my bum cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my bum at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.
Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't
enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your bum having the texture of a brillo pad.
Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
STOP! Before you do, read this. You may change your mind.
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.
Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my bum of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My bum was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my bum off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.
As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my bum cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my bum at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.
Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't
enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your bum having the texture of a brillo pad.
Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
Fifty Shades of Grey*
by Pam Ayres
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
by Pam Ayres
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Seen on HLN this morn as I flipped the channels.
Store in the PI is removing shirts from the shelves due to complaints of the printed saying:
Rape is just a snuggle with a struggle.
Thought that fit in here perfect. Didn't even look up the link but the had a picture of the shirt.
Store in the PI is removing shirts from the shelves due to complaints of the printed saying:
Rape is just a snuggle with a struggle.
Thought that fit in here perfect. Didn't even look up the link but the had a picture of the shirt.
Stopped at the ATM on my way home and there was an old lady there having trouble. She asked me to check her balance so I shoved her. Zero balance is what I told her as she was getting up.
What do you call the layer of fat surrounding the vagina?
The wife!
The wife!
And a food that can cure nymphomania. Wedding cake.
1911fan
1911fan
Similar threads
