Maggie’s The Fence or so I was told

WillAdams

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We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the back yard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
 

biben

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Jul 10, 2007
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Re: The Fence or so I was told


<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Will</div><div class="ubbcode-body">So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....</div></div>



Its a lil past mid-June 09. What year did it happend to you?
 

dagwood

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Mar 20, 2008
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Re: The Fence or so I was told

that is some of the funniest stuff I have ever heard. OMG that must have been hell.
 

Greg Langelius *

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Aug 10, 2001
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Re: The Fence or so I was told

I'm hoping this is all a cut-n-paste, and that no one actually posting on The 'Hide has actually endured such a cataclysmic event.

Whether such an event would actually be survivable is my primary doubt.

Excellent comedic writing, I might add...

(..while thinking of the number 4...), priceless...

My own day is nothing by comparison, having merely been required to seize and insert two cats into separate travel kennel boxes for their first vet visits...; Preshuss is still not talking to me... ...And; I have invested in another, larger tube of Neosporin...
 

Greg Langelius *

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Re: The Fence or so I was told

I have had the lion's share of electrical stimuli, mainly as an Engineer Electrician in the Corps, including fairly clean jolts from 440AC. It's basically an occupational hazard, and electricians know the taste of electricity. For many years I just accepted the fact that I was gonna get zipped every once in awhile, and just worked the circuits hot most of the time.

Still, not my favorite experience.

One always approaches a potential electrical threat with a sharp eye to avoiding a solid ground, and that's the only thing that made it possible for me to be able to relate these experiences in the here and now.

These days, I'm no longer thusly engaged, but I do have an implanted pacemaker/defibrillator, and I know it's been fired twice in defib mode testing. Mercifully, they do that under general anesthesia.

So I guess I can relate...
 

Doc Holiday13

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Apr 7, 2008
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Re: The Fence or so I was told

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Greg Langelius *</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I'm hoping this is all a cut-n-paste, and that no one actually posting on The 'Hide has actually endured such a cataclysmic event.
</div></div>

This was first posted on Pirate4x4.com 2 years ago. And the story here has changed a bit

http://www.pirate4x4.com/forum/showthread.php?t=570744

 

Thud

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  • Sep 14, 2007
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    Re: The Fence or so I was told

    Who cares where it came from. It's very funny, i can relate to this,it made my day.
     

    Sean the Nailer

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  • May 20, 2006
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    Re: The Fence or so I was told

    4- My left eye will not open.

    5- My right eye will not close.

    I dunno, but that right there hit my funny bone. Sounds like a Saturday morning!

    Great story.
     

    sailronin

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    Sep 11, 2005
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    Re: The Fence or so I was told

    Once upon a time some older cousins thought it would be fun to convince the youngest cousin that pissing on an electric cattle fence was a turn on.

    It may surprise you to learn that urine is an excellent conductor of electricity, something to do with the salts and minerals I guess...

    Once the young cousin came to his senses, his balls felt like they were exploding, my head was throbbing and my eyes were doing the same thing that Will said.....
     

    B. Harvey

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    Jun 21, 2004
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    Re: The Fence or so I was told

    And I was seriously thinking (visualizing actually) you went through this and would some how have a super power, an X-Man you know. Damn, your still mortal.
     

    Red_SC

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    Nov 26, 2003
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    Re: The Fence or so I was told

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Greg Langelius *</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    These days, I'm no longer thusly engaged, but I do have an implanted pacemaker/defibrillator, and I know it's been fired twice in defib mode testing. Mercifully, they do that under general anesthesia.
    </div></div>

    I have a friend who has one of those gizmos, I know they've tested his at least once with no anesthesia. He doesn't speak fondly of the experience.
    crazy.gif
     

    Greg Langelius *

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    Aug 10, 2001
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    Re: The Fence or so I was told

    My Doctor said some other Electropysiologists do that, but are considered Sadists by their colleagues. I was told the experience manifests itself exactly as if one is being punched very hard in the back.
     

    sailronin

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    Sep 11, 2005
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    Re: The Fence or so I was told

    I was told that had I been barefooted for better ground connection, it could have been serious...maybe lifetime damage to the family jewels!
     

    robozebra

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    Feb 23, 2007
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    Re: The Fence or so I was told

    As for the ICD (defibrillator) testing, I've never done it without anesthesia, but I have done it with very poor anesthesia. I felt terrible. The shock is equivalent to dropping a gallon of water from around 6 feet onto your chest. The energy is delivered in about 10 milliseconds though. Actually it's delivered in one direction/polarity for about 5 milliseconds and then reversed for another few milliseconds. A lot of energy across your chest.

    CWJ
     

    hcsd54

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    Jan 27, 2008
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    Re: The Fence or so I was told

    I can't believe that damn lawn mower just stood there and watched!