Having spent 34 years working for Amtrak, I have seen my share. However mine were mostly fatalities. I was responsible as a first responder to protect the railroad's interests after a trespassing accident. Some of the investigations still haunt me. Finding body parts of young stupid kids were the worst. Usually, there wasn't too much left after one of our trains hit something at 125+ mph.
Fuck eating Tide Pods! I wanna put them in my eyes now! 
You pedophile! She was only 13.
I was right behind a dude driving a pickup while texting in 2009. He blindly pulled across tracks and got airmailed. The impact was quite loud. He walked away from it but his truck looked like the letter "C". His phone came out of his hand and flew through the passenger window, so I picked it up and handed it to him and told him he was a dumbass for texting while driving. He looked confused. Dumbass.
It's a sad world when you have to put that warning on a set of screwdrivers
A man dies 'in the act' after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.
The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra-large coffin or to amputate his member".
"Well I have no more money" states the widow "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece".
The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brainwave: He'll amputate his dick and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece.
The widow reluctantly agrees.
On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop.
The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the teardrop and says to him quietly "See, I told you it hurts!"
The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra-large coffin or to amputate his member".
"Well I have no more money" states the widow "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece".
The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brainwave: He'll amputate his dick and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece.
The widow reluctantly agrees.
On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop.
The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the teardrop and says to him quietly "See, I told you it hurts!"
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions'. The husband turned to his wife and said "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time?" She said "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick".
Jesus, that's an award winner, Barney. Take a bow and have a couple of drinks on me. I have a neighbor that would be proud to relate that to his "friends". Dumbass.
I drove an ambulance when I was an undergrad and got to know the ER docs pretty good. Late one night we carted in a drug dealer that had been shot the fuck up while sitting in his recliner. After we got him situated, one of the docs took me aside and showed me a softball-sized wad of electrical tape with a short piece of string hanging out of it. It turns out that two gaybobs were taking turns shoving the ball up each other's asshole and pulling it back out at the magic cock-suck moment, but then the string broke and they had to go to the ER to get the toy extracted.
The doc then told me that once the shit-stained ball was out, the dude asked if he could have his tape ball back.
There are certain events like this that make me want to go build a small cabin in the wilderness and live off the land.
Had a bud that worked in the local ER, his stories were entertaining and sad as well.
R
I had a dude come into triage one day, told me I would never believe what happened and he was so embarrassed. I took a chance and asked him what he had lost up his butt. Turns out it was his wife's vibrator and it was still on! I listened to his abdomen real quick with my stethoscope and sure enough, buzzing away it was. Poor fool had to go to the OR to get it out, couldn't get a fist in him to grab it without general anesthesia.
also took care of a kid who used a glass cigar tube, it broke and he got a temporary colostomy out of the deal so the last few inches of his poop chute could heal up.
also took care of a kid who used a glass cigar tube, it broke and he got a temporary colostomy out of the deal so the last few inches of his poop chute could heal up.
I strictly follow the "My Ass is a One Way Device (OUT)" rule.
Glass and ass don't mix.
I'm gonna stand up at my desk for a while now.
Harvey's attorney sez:
"Weinstein did not invent the casting couch in Hollywood"
I say: "No, he just sprayed it with man-glaze"
https://www.cnn.com/us/live-news/harvey-weinstein-surrenders-new-york/index.html
"Weinstein did not invent the casting couch in Hollywood"
I say: "No, he just sprayed it with man-glaze"
https://www.cnn.com/us/live-news/harvey-weinstein-surrenders-new-york/index.html
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions'.
The husband turned to his wife and said "Honey, that is a bunch of crap.
I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time?"
She said "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick"
The husband turned to his wife and said "Honey, that is a bunch of crap.
I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time?"
She said "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick"
re above; Some people should just STFU.
Weinstein's attorney wants jurors "who are not consumed by the movement"
re above; Thank you, captain obvious. I can see why you make the big bucks......
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town,
their two young sons were involved in some capacity.
The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past,
so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot.
He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more
and shook his finger in the boy's face "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet.
His older brother followed him into the closet and said "What happened?"
The younger brother replied "We are in BIG trouble this time.
God is missing and they think we did it!"
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town,
their two young sons were involved in some capacity.
The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past,
so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot.
He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more
and shook his finger in the boy's face "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet.
His older brother followed him into the closet and said "What happened?"
The younger brother replied "We are in BIG trouble this time.
God is missing and they think we did it!"
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover
after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off".
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning".
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover
after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off".
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning".
What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.
What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
There are twenty of them.
What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
But how else do you take it apart?
This actually looks more like a dare than a warning
Did someone we know win the Easter egg hunt?
oh man, funny.
you know you are in the socially unacceptable thread when you read this
At least we're going with a full stomach. The Shrimp n Sausages you're doing right now look fricking AWESOME as usual. You guys are eating like Royalty.
Shame you haven't lost that fight yet.
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