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Maggie’s Motivational Pic Thread v2.0 - - New Rules - See Post #1

92A1572E-ED39-480A-9480-719B6673EF37.jpeg
 
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Thud said:
This guy is the Chaos
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Uncivil Engineer said:
Here in the PNW we spot visitors by they way they pronounce "Washington" with an "R". (The first president didn't "warsh" anything.)

A few tips for visitors:
The Dalles rhymes with "pals", not "pails".
Deschutes sounds like "deh-SHOOTS".
Couch Street in Portland is pronounced "kootch".
Don't even bother trying with Yachats.

Everyone in Seattle carries an umbrella 24/7/365. People in Oregon don't even know what one is. Both states think they invented coffee and beer.
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That ain't the chaos. This is the Chaos.
 
EddieNFL said:
Tips for Northerners Moving to the South
Posted on October 7, 2011 by Southpaw
If you are a northerner you will inevitably want to someday move south to warmer weather and away from… well you know what I mean. Here are a few tips that will help you transition into southern ways.
First, you are going to need to get used to hearing proper english. After hearing words pronounced incorrectly all your life you may feel like you are in a foreign country. The letter “R” is used often in words so you will need to get used to that. Just give it some time and you’ll be communicating just like a pro.
Now being up north has probably made you very angry which is why you are so aggressive and rude. Sort of like a bear coming out of hibernation. We understand that down here in the south and are tolerant to a point. I know your momma told you that politeness was a weakness but remember that your momma is a yankee. If you get the idea that your aggressive, rude behavior may give you some type of competitive edge just remember that there are more guns than people in the south. Plus plenty of wide open spaces to bury you.
Waving is a southern tradition. Sort of like cursing is in the north. When someone waves at you they are not indicating that they need assistance so you don’t need to ignore them. Instead, wave back. If you don’t you will be seen as rude in which case you should refer back to my point about the guns and wide open spaces.
When it comes to driving in icy conditions we concede that you have us beat. This being said, if it does snow it is best if you stay off the roads. We know you can drive on ice but you should know that we cannot. If you do decide to drive make sure you keep a 12 pack of beer in your trunk. This is not for you. It is for the 2 guys that will be pulling you out of a ditch with their 4 wheel drive truck after an out of control southerner runs you off the road. No need to help, just give them the beer and go on your merry way.
Speaking of the weather, if you live near the coast down here in the south you will no doubt be introduced to what we call a hurricane. Southerners are known to wrestle live alligators and hunt wild hogs with just a bowie knife and a bandana. In other words, they don’t scare easily. I say this to drive home the point that if you see southerners evacuating then something bad is definately about to happen. A hurricane is like a bad redneck marriage. It is almost certain that someone’s going to lose a trailer. After it is all over you will see a phenomenon that you have probably never seen in your life. People helping other people for no reason at all. Don’t worry, it is contagious but it won’t kill you.
Before you head south, start saving bacon grease in a can. There is no need to refrigerate it, just keep it under the sink. When you arrive down south you will be instructed on how to use it.
We spoke a while ago about guns. In the north only the mafia, cartel members and the police carry guns. Down here we all have guns. It is not unusual at all for a 10 year old boy to get a shotgun for his birthday. We believe that gun control is when you use both hands to aim. Keep this in mind the next time you get the urge to honk at the guy in front of you.
Now, a little more information about that bacon grease. Up north grease is something that gets into pipes and requires a plumber to clean out. Down here we cook with it. It makes almost any dish taste better. We add it to baked beans, collard greens, turnip greens, green beans, hash brown potatoes, fried eggs and so much more. To be southern you have to cook southern and eat southern so just get used to it. It will subtract about 10 years from your life but hey… You’re a northerner.
Speaking of food, eating down south is going to be a little different for you. We don’t eat scrod or lox. Let me see if I can create a mental picture for you. New Orleans is the center of the universe when it comes to good food. Think of it as the sun. As you move away from it the food gets worse and worse. If you go to New Orleans and don’t like the food then living down south is not going to go well for you. Also, we will fry and eat almost anything. Frog legs, chickens, turkeys, pork chops, egg plant, okra, squash, seafood, onions, pickles, cheese and even ice cream. What do we fry it in? Grease. We love grease. How do we remove grease? With soap of course. Where does soap come from? Grease. That is sort of cool. Kind of like the circle of life.
Don’t talk about how nice it is up north or how much you miss home. You never hear Haitian boat people do that and neither should you. Keep in mind that many of us have visited the north. Why do you think we make fun of you? Just enjoy your new found freedom. We have everything you need here. Fresh air, mild winters, plenty of waterfront and beaches, mountains, woodlands, streams, fishing, hiking, camping, sunshine and more. Plus you can join us in making fun of yankees. That is sort of the best part.
If you are a guy and lucky enough to have escaped the north at a young age you are going to want to know a little bit about southern girls. They are not like northern girls.
  • Tip Number One – you don’t have to pay them for a date. Remember, you are in the south now.
  • Tip Number Two – No cursing. Remember, this is a southern girl, not your mother.
  • Tip Number Three – Don’t tell her where you are from. If you have to just say you are from Canada.
  • Tip Number Four – a prenuptial agreement is useless. Remember, she probably owns a gun and her father most likely has some acreage purchased for just such an event.
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As a yankee-californian transplant into Texas about 2 months ago, I approve this statement.
 
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168BTHPM said:
View attachment 7350324

Battlesight Zero

It isn't very often you read, "...he grabbed them and smacked their heads together..." in an official award citation...
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On June 14, 1952, Sergeant David B. Bleak volunteered his skills as a medic to accompany a recon patrol. As they ascended a hill under cover of darkness, enemy machine guns opened up, wounding soldiers at the head of the column. Sgt Bleak rushed forward to treat them. Three more Chinese opened up from a nearby trench, wounding another. Bleak charged directly through the fire and jumped into the enemy position. The 6'5", 250 pound medic snatched the nearest Chinese soldier and snapped his neck. When the second approached, Bleak simply grabbed him by the throat and crushed his trachea. Bleak unsheathed his knife and stabbed the third one to death. He returned to treating the wounded until a grenade bounced off the helmet of the man next to him. Bleak tackled the man, smothering him with his huge body and protecting him from the blast. Neither were injured.
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The patrol successfully captured several prisoners. As they descended the hill, the enemy ambushed them once again. Three more Americans went down. Sgt Bleak was shot in the leg attempting to reach them. He dressed his own wounds and those of the three soldiers, one too injured to walk. Despite his leg wound, Bleak heaved the soldier onto his shoulder and continued down the hill. Two more Chinese soldiers suddenly appeared before him with fixed bayonets. Bleak dropped the wounded man, grabbed one Chinese head in each hand, and smashed them together, fracturing both men's skulls. Bleak let their limp bodies fall out of his way then picked up his wounded comrade again. All 20 members of the patrol returned alive to friendly lines.
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For his incredible, fearless actions saving the patrol, Sgt Bleak was awarded the Medal of Honor. At its presentation, President Eisenhower struggled to reach around Bleak's large frame to fasten the ribbon.
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"You have a damned big neck!"
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This guy looks and sounds like he could be Richard kuklinski’s good twin.
No disrespect to this great American, just remarkable similarities.
 
clcustom1911 said:
When I was a kid, My dad (mechanic for decades) got me with the "grab me the left-handed 3/4 wrench from the tool box, please."
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“Right under the box of grid squares, between the rack stretcher and the bucket of prop wash”

I worked with a good spirited junior technician with a below average I.Q. Used to love sending him to look for a 14/16” wrench or a 10/32” socket. 6.25 mm drive ratchet handle was fun too, Never got old.
 
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jphil108 said:
“Right under the box of grid squares, between the rack stretcher and the bucket of prop wash”

I worked with a good spirited junior technician with a below average I.Q. Used to love sending him to look for a 14/16” wrench or a 10/32” socket. 6.25 mm drive ratchet handle was fun too, Never got old.
Click to expand...
Humvee keys, blinker fluid, ID-10-T request forms... it just goes on and on....
 
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Phone rings*************
Dispatcher: Hello, 911 what is your emergency?
Frantic Citizen: SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY HOUSE, THEY HAVE A GUN, I NEED THE POLICE!!!
Dispatcher: Im sorry to hear that. Try to remain calm as they go about their business.
Frantic Citizen: CALM? I NEED HELP RIGHT NOW. IM HOME ALONE AND IM HIDING IN A CLOSET BUT THEY ARE HEADING MY WAY. SEND THE POLICE NOW!
Dispatcher: Im sorry to hear that. As you know, the public asked for the police department to be disbanded and unfunded so I cant send anybody at this time.
Frantic Citizen: WHAT AM I SUSSPOSED TO DO? I NEED HELP NOW!
Dispatcher: Yes that certainly sounds like a terrible situation. I can send you conflict resolution pamphlet for $4.99. It may take 7 days to arrive. Can I have your address? I can include a pamphlet on self policing if you like for an additional $4.99? I can take payment via credit card. Im ready for your card number now.
Angry Citizen: NO I NEED THE POLICE RIGHT NOW. HE IS ALMOST HERE.
Dispatcher: While this sounds urgent, I don’t think its wise to assume the person gender. While they may look male, they may identify as one of many other genders. If you like I can add a pamphlet that covers sensitivity training? Just add $4.99 more. Can I have your credit card number?
Angry Citizen: THE “PERSON” IS SMASHING THINGS AND STEALING MY STUFF. SEND SOMEBODY NOW! THEY ARE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH ME NOW!
Dispatcher: If you are able, can you place the other person on the line, I can offer them a pamphlet on the dangers of breaking the law. Try to stay at least 6 feet away to conform to social distancing guidelines. Do you have a mask?
Angry Citizen: IM A TAXPAYER AND A BUSINESS OWNER. I DEMAND POLICE PROTECTION! MY HOUSE IS MY HOME BUSINESS, HE…………. THEY…………IT, IS DESTROYING MY HOME AND BUSNESS AND IS GOING TO DISCOVER ME HIDING HERE.
Dispatcher: Hold please………………………………………. Our records show that you do not currently have a permit for a home business. Have you been open during the Covid 19 shutdown?
Angry Citizen: YES, WHATEVER! WHO CARES ABOUT THAT! I NEED HELP NOW!
Dispatcher: I will be dispatching an officer to cite you for keeping your business open during the shutdown. Should I have the officer bring the pamphlets we discussed?
Angry Citizen: Sounds of closet door opening…………………. Screams…………………… BANG BANG!!
Dispatcher: Hello? Hello??? This call will be charged to your phone bill at a rate of $2.99 for the first minute and .99 cents for every minute after that.
 
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