Maggie’s Airline Funnies

[JimT]

A United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!


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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'



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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight-- 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'



Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing! You should see the back of mine!'

 

[Kells81]

Re: Airline Funnies

the last one is pretty damn funny

 

[dagwood]

Re: Airline Funnies

I thought I would join the fun, I know it's not airline but it's still funny:

SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul tells of the following exchange: "One day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high, we were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Although they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. '90 knots,' Center replied. Moments later, a twin engine Beech requested the same. '120 knots,' Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Uh, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout.' There was a slight pause, then the response, 'Dusty 52, 525 knots on the ground.' Then came another silent pause. Just as I was thinking to myself how ripe the situation was, I heard the crackle of our radio as Walt transmitted 'Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?' There was a longer than normal pause. 'Aspen 20, I show you at 1,742 knots.' No further speed inquiries were made after that."

 

[427Cobra]

Re: Airline Funnies

Pilot:
IFF inop in OFF position
Mechanic:
IFF ops ck ok in the ON position

 

[Texas_Rick]

Re: Airline Funnies

Years ago when I was stationed at Kadena AB , Okinawa, I was assigned to do a quick turn on an inbound C-5. As my team and I were sitting in the dispatch truck watching the C-5 land, we watched the most amazing wheel barrow landing: Nose hit the ground, bounced up, left main hit the ground and bounced up, right main hit followed by the rest of the aircraft settling on the ground.
After parking the aircraft, my duties included going upstairs to the cockpit and getting a maintenance debrief from the crew.
As I was standing in the cockpit looking at fuel gauges and what not, I asked the Flight engineer "How many landings are you gonna log that as?"

HOLY SHIT! Pandemonium broke out as the pilot started apologizing profusely and the engineer yelling at me! and the poor co-pilot just sat there with "deer in the headlights" look in his eyes.

 

[H2O Cop]

Re: Airline Funnies

While flying on a red-eye flight from Phoenix to Georgia, the Capt came across the intercom and gave the usual talk about alititude, time, etc, but at the end of his brief, he forgot to turn off the mic. There was a very attractive blonde flight attendant on the flight and I think she was taking care of the back half of the plane.

Anyhow, either the pilot or the co-pilot started talking about the flight and their previous trip. The next thing I heard was, "I could go for some coffee right now," followed by, "Forget the coffee, I could go for a blowjob by that blonde attendant back there!"

The blonde attendant went running to the cockpit to probably tell them the mic was still on and all you heard from another passenger was, "don't forget the coffee!!"

 

[fx77]

Re: Airline Funnies

Good one

 

[dagwood]

Re: Airline Funnies

Pilot (Speedbird 206): "Frankfurt tower, Speedbird 206 is clear of the active runway."
Tower: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
Pilot (Speedbird 206): [silence, standing still just off of the runway]
Tower: "Speedbird 206, don't you know where to go?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by tower, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Tower (growing impatient): "Speedbird 206, haven't you ever been to Frankfurt?"
Pilot (Speedbird 206): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but it was dark and I didn't land."

 

[2_many_dogs]

Re: Airline Funnies

if you enjoyed your flight today, we hope you'll fly southwest again. if you hated every moment, thinking you'd rather be in the dentist's chair, thank you for flying united.