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Joke Of The Day

Biggest joke of the day
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What's the difference between ass kissing and brown nosing?
Depth perception

What's the definition of the word "virgin" in Alabama?
A sixth grade girl that can run faster that her bothers.

I can't believe the dead baby jokes haven't surfaced yet.

How do you load dead babies onto a truck?

With a pitchfork.
 
What did the Cholo say when his house collapsed on him?



"get off me Homes!"
 
I have an idea for franchising abortion clinics. Our slogan will be: “Joe’s Abortion Center — No fetus can beat us!”
 
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Larry was sent to prison..... it was his first stretch and on his first night he is put in a cell and meets his new cell mate big baz.

Baz says to Larry *who looks extremely nervous*
“Is this your first time in?”
“Yes” replies Larry
“Ok since it’s your first night in we will play mummies and daddies” say big baz
“Do you want to be mummy or daddy?” he asks,
Larry being clever says quickly “I’ll be daddy!”
big baz say “ok well get over here and suck mummies dick


A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise.. The bartender tells him that they're playing bar room football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.

He walks in and asks how to play and if he can play. A man named Joe tells him that in order to score a touchdown, you have to drink a can of beer within 10 seconds and to go for the extra point, you gotta pull down your pants and fart.

So they play for a while and Larry goes for the touchdown and drinks the beer in 8 seconds. So Larry pulls down his pants to go for the extra point.

All of a sudden, a man comes up from behind and sticks his dick up Larry's ass.

Larry jumps and says, "What the hell did you do that for?"

The man answers, "I was trying to block the extra point!!!"
 
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Nothing is more of a joke than His Fraudulency Bidoof.
 
I may burn for this one:

What was Jesus's favorite gun?

The nail gun.

Then theres this by one of my favorite people, Homer Simpson:

 
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the gay man's house.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The chicken.
 
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first.
 
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English is hard !!! .........

1: The bandage was wound around the wound.

2: The farm was used to produce produce.

3: The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4: We must polish the Polish furniture.

5: He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6: The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7: Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8: A Bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9: When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10: I did not object to the object.

11: The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12: There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13: They were too close to the door to close it.
 
English is hard !!! .........

1: The bandage was wound around the wound.

2: The farm was used to produce produce.

3: The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4: We must polish the Polish furniture.

5: He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6: The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7: Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8: A Bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9: When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10: I did not object to the object.

11: The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12: There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13: They were too close to the door to close it.
And of course...

14. Feathers flew when the cock was cold cocked by a cock...

C'mon now I KNOW I wasnt the only one thought of that.

Was I?.... 🤣🤣🤣
 
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English is hard !!! .........

1: The bandage was wound around the wound.

2: The farm was used to produce produce.

3: The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4: We must polish the Polish furniture.

5: He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6: The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7: Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8: A Bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9: When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10: I did not object to the object.

11: The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12: There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13: They were too close to the door to close it.
You think that's bad? Try this. Could copy it in full since it's in the public domain. 100 years old. It's a pretty good test to see how well you know English. It's hard even for me.
 
Oldie but goodie:

So it has been scientifically proven that the toothbrush was invented and patented in Alabama!

True.

If it had been invented ANYWHERE else in the world, it'd been called a "teethbrush."
Unless it was made in WVa in which case it would be called a 'Gum massager."
 
I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around.

They said no and slammed the door in my face!

Parents can be real jerks.
 
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I was going to celebrate Halloween.

I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours that week
 
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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget