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Maggie’s Ups pilots gripe sheets

G

garrett4

Sergeant
Full Member
Minuteman
Jul 30, 2004
216
40
65
oak ridge tn
Airlines

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, documen t their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minutedescent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable
level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like amidget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
 
On a very quiet night:
Pilot: "Fark I'm bored"
Tower: "Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self"
Pilot: "I said I was farking bored, not farking stupid

A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed: "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?"
Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?
 
How many pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, they hold up the light bulb and the entire world revolves around him.

An old pilot was nearing the end of his days and found himself in a retirement home. Eventually (as all pilots do) he found himself a gal, Sally. They'd go on nice walks in the afternoon around the terrace. One day, the old pilot requested that Sally give him a hand job. She deflected and eventually agreed just to hold onto his manhood, just to be nice. This worked for the old pilot and they did this quite often. Eventually, one day Sally showed up for their daily walk about the terrace and couldn't find the old pilot anywhere. She started to search the terrace and eventually found the old pilot with some other girl sitting next to him, manhood in hand. Sally approached the two and started to shout, "I Can't believe this! How could you! After all that we've been through! What could this woman possibly have that I don't?!!" The old pilot looked up at Sally, smiled and said, "Parkinson's"

On a commercial flight out of Dallas was at cruise altitude on the way to New York. The pilot made and announcement, "I hope everyone is having a nice flight, we're due in to JFK 20 minutes early and it's a nice 65 degrees on the ground." The passengers were pleased, but the pilot's mic was stuck and the passengers heard the following exchange. "It'll be nice once we get on the ground at JFK. I know of a nice restaurant to go to. But, I could really use a cup of coffee and a blow job right about now." One of the flight attendants in the back of the plane had a horrified look on her face started to run towards the cockpit to alert the pilots of the hot mic. But before she could get there a snipershide member shouted, "don't forget the cup of coffee."

In the 1960's a British Airways flight landed at Frankfurt during a rather busy time. The pilots of the BA flight requested progressive taxi instructions to their gate. This sent the overworked ground controller over the edge, he started yelling, "What are you dumb Brits trying to do! You should know the airport you're flying into! Have you ever even been to Frankfurt before!" The BA captain in the Queen's English elegantly responded responded, "Yes, I came here twice about 20 years ago, but it was dark, and we didn't stop."

If helicopters are so safe, why are there no vintage helicopter fly-ins?

There are only 3 things a good wingman should ever say:
-Bingo
-Lead, you're on fire
-I'll take the fat one

I'll have to find my "Crew apology" form letter I carried with me in flight training.

Edit: found it!

MEMORANDUM TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

FROM: N1085U Crew Apology Officer

SUBJECT: Apology

The members of this aircraft apologize for the following reasons:

( ) Kyle asking for votes to win bachelor of the planet award
( ) Golfing while intoxicated (GWI)
( ) Bowling while intoxicated (BWI)
( ) Walking while intoxicated (WWI)
(X) Singing while intoxicated (SWI)
( ) Singing the S & M Man and/or Blow Job song in The Bar
( ) For stealing your schools mascot
( ) Playing rodeo with your girlfriend at the club
( ) Getting noise complaints from the dining room on Friday night
( ) Missed dental appointment
( ) Not signing the FBO's guest book
( ) Wrecking the crew car
( ) Pissing off the campus police for _________________ again!
( ) Giving shit to non-singing shoe clerks at the club
(X) Throwing glasses in the fireplace at The Bar
( ) Giving the O'Club manager a "swirly" for giving shit
to pilots
( ) To our wives/girlfriends for every Friday night
( ) To the hotel management for convention buffoonery
( ) For plagiarism in order to write pilot songs
(X) Blanket apology (To be marked only when apologizing for
aircraft crew actions in advance for the next six month period.)


BRAD SHIT, The PIC
Aircraft Apology Officer
Click to expand...
 
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A "classic" from the HERC (four fans of freedom) world:

Discrepancy: #2 engine, prop hub leaking hydraulic fluid
Corrective action: prop hub leakage normal

a few days later,,

Discrepancy: Engines 1,3, and 4 lack normal leakage
Corrective action: censored
 
I worked at an international airport in the Middle East a few years ago. A local hero there and an all round good egg, Tom, in the tower one day received a call from the electrical guys on their way to do their daily checks. "Tower, Electric One. Request clearance to cross the runway at Yankee." "Electric One, Tower. Hold." A few seconds later Tom receives another call, "Tower, Electric One. Request clearance to cross the runway at Yankee." Tom replies "Electric One, Tower. Hold." A few seconds later, the same call again, "Tower, Electric One. Request clearance to cross the runway at Yankee." Tom replies, "Electric One - If you look to your right you will see a Garuda 747 about to land. If you’ve got the balls you've got the permission." After a couple of seconds, "Electric One - Holding."
 
Lemme be the wet blanket that says that list has circulated the interwebs for well over a decade now...and civilian aircraft (especially UPS aircraft) don't have an 'IFF' or 'target radar'.

Also, UPS lost a 747-400 in Dubai a couple years ago due to a cargo fire...I had met the FO when he was a newhire at UPS.

Now that I've been 'that guy'....

Pilots are prone to writing up stupid shit...my personal favorite when I was a regional pilot was "Pilot PFD inoperative", with the corrective action being "PFD brightness rheostat turned to full bright, ops check normal, return to service".
 
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there was an order sent out that all helicopters had to do a "hover check" and report a "hover check complete" to the tower before clearance was given for take off.

One lovely afternoon, it was an especially cool and pleasant day, one of the AH-1G Cobras from the 20 aerial rocket artillery, known in the 1st Cav circles as "Blue Max", was preparing to depart Quan Loi. The Cobra was on an admin run from Quan Loi to Long Binh an was not armed.

The pilot radioed the tower for permission to take off. The controller in the tower must had received a "Dear John" letter, or something, because he was being an especially annoying prick that day. When the controller received the call he denied the Blue Max pilot permission for take off because he had not reported a "hover check complete".

Without fanfare or bravado, the Snake pilot languidly hovered over to the tower. Grabbing his collective in his left hand, he pulled pitch until the Cobra was at the same level as the control tower windows.

The pilot did a nice slow left pedal turn pointing the business end of the Cobra directly into the controllers face.

In the most polite and acommodating voice one could imagine, the pilot stated . . . .

"Fucking hover check complete . . . I'm outta here . . ."
 
BoilerUP said:
Lemme be the wet blanket that says that list has circulated the interwebs for well over a decade now...and civilian aircraft (especially UPS aircraft) don't have an 'IFF' or 'target radar'.

Also, UPS lost a 747-400 in Dubai a couple years ago due to a cargo fire...I had met the FO when he was a newhire at UPS.

Now that I've been 'that guy'....

Pilots are prone to writing up stupid shit...my personal favorite when I was a regional pilot was "Pilot PFD inoperative", with the corrective action being "PFD brightness rheostat turned to full bright, ops check normal, return to service".
Click to expand...

They also lost a DC-8 in PHL that I personally watched burn while holding short of 27R.
 
Do you know the difference between a Cobra and a cactus?
A cactus has the pricks on the outside-

Expect anything else from the Hueyguy?
 
I used to co-pilot for some evolutions, and we would often take-off well-over gross weight. We were fully committed by the end of the second taxiway, but it wasn't a problem provided that we could clear the fence at the end of the runway by a safe margin with the gear down. After these flights I would make the entires in the logs. One day, when the airplane came back from maintenance I found a note on the main log addressed to me: "Tires and brakes replaced because of what you call a 'landing'; and we decided on low-profile tires because of what you call a 'take off'."

The second half of the note was, of course, a joke because there's no such thing as low profile tires. But the first part.... Well, I admit that it did hurt my pride a bit......
 
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Kind of off topic, but here goes anyway . . .

I had THE BEST crew in the world, Jr. Logan was my crew chief and George Ziets was my door gunner.

George was unparalleled in the 1st Cav as a door gunner, in my opinion. Problem was, George wasn't the sharpest tack in the box.

Got a mission one day to fly to Phuc Vinh to pick up a new battalion commander to fly him around his new AO and give him his aerial indoctrination. Scheduled pick up time was 0800 hours.

Being the consciencious young pilot that I was, I naturally arrived at the PZ about 30 minutes.

Well, 0800 hours came and went with no battalion commander showing up. Around 0900 this starched jungle fatigue full bird ditz shows up with his stooge tagging along behind him acting like a love sick terrier. I noted that this new BC was not wearing any wings of any type, jump wings or aviator wings.

Well, he walks up to the bird, looks up and down her and proceeds to walk around her giving a good solid look-over. As he comes around the front of the bird, he slaps the nose of the bird with final approval.

He saunters over to George, George comes to attention and salutes (thank God). The bird turd puts him "at ease".

The gallant warrior then proceeds to ask George, "Well, son, do ya think she'll fly?"

To wit George responds without a blink of an eye, "Well, how the fuck do you think we got here, Sir?"

Merriment ensued . . .
 
Killer Spade 13 said:
Kind of off topic, but here goes anyway . . .

I had THE BEST crew in the world, Jr. Logan was my crew chief and George Ziets was my door gunner.

George was unparalleled in the 1st Cav as a door gunner, in my opinion. Problem was, George wasn't the sharpest tack in the box.

Got a mission one day to fly to Phuc Vinh to pick up a new battalion commander to fly him around his new AO and give him his aerial indoctrination. Scheduled pick up time was 0800 hours.

Being the consciencious young pilot that I was, I naturally arrived at the PZ about 30 minutes.

Well, 0800 hours came and went with no battalion commander showing up. Around 0900 this starched jungle fatigue full bird ditz shows up with his stooge tagging along behind him acting like a love sick terrier. I noted that this new BC was not wearing any wings of any type, jump wings or aviator wings.

Well, he walks up to the bird, looks up and down her and proceeds to walk around her giving a good solid look-over. As he comes around the front of the bird, he slaps the nose of the bird with final approval.

He saunters over to George, George comes to attention and salutes (thank God). The bird turd puts him "at ease".

The gallant warrior then proceeds to ask George, "Well, son, do ya think she'll fly?"

To wit George responds without a blink of an eye, "Well, how the fuck do you think we got here, Sir?"

Merriment ensued . . .
Click to expand...

I think I would of liked that guy! Nothing would of pissed me off is having a officer that does not know shit about your craft/trade/job comment on it when he knows jack shit about it!
 
AtlantaAir Traffic Control: "Tower to Syria Air 911 --
You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Syria Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared
to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.

AtlantaATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --
You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you AtlantaATC. We are cleared to
land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.

Pause:

Static..

Syria Air: " ATLANTAATC - ATLANTAATC"

AtlantaATC: "Go ahead Syria Air 911?"

Syria Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.

AtlantaATC: Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus.
Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --
ya hear?

How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
Because he says: "Thats enough about flying, let's talk about me!"

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."


On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Read more: http://www.joke-db.com/dirty-pilot#ixzz2OK7ik5du
 
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off another website...


In 1978 I was a trainee Air Traffic Controller under supervision at Collage Station Texas, Easterwood Tower. This is a true story of a radio discussion one afternoon:

Unknown Aircraft: "Hello?.."
Easterwood Tower (me): "Please say again."
UA: "What?"
ET: "Who is this?"
UA: "This is Joe"
ET: "This is Easterwood Tower, where are you?"
UA: "I'm in the plane!"
(I looked down the flight line, checking if someone was sitting in a parked plane playing with the radio. I didn't see anything, and the senior controller was becoming more interested in my handling of the situation.)
ET: "Joe, where is the pilot?"
UA: "He got out when the engine quit.."
(I could only imagine a bizarre scenario in which the pilot had jumped from the plane.)
ET: "Joe, what does your airspeed indicator read?"
UA: (Long pause) "Zero?"
(So the plane was now in a stall I thought.)
ET: "Joe, whatever you have in front of you - a stick or a steering wheel - push it forward - you need to get airspeed over your wings!"
UA: "Are you sure?"
ET: "Yes Joe you need to push it forward... (pause)... What does your airspeed indicator read now?"
UA: "It's still zero."
(I thought, oh my god, Joe's plane was in a falling leaf spin. I couldn't help him. Joe was going to die. I did not know what to do. I looked to the senior controller. He said, "Ask him where his plane is.")
ET: "Joe, where is your plane?"
UA: "We are parked down at the end of the runway, the pilot got out when the engine quit and walked back to the hanger.."
ET: "Joe, get off the radio."
 
A Lufty 747 was climbing up Z from the 2W ramp at DFW, headed to the east side: "Ground, we may need to return to the gate. We seem to be missing a passenger." Someone's response: "Have you checked the ovens?" The nose dove as they jumped on the brakes:"Ve are shtoppink here vuntil somevone apologises!" Dead silence ... Finally, a few "That was uncalled for", none in the original voice of course.

Also at DFW, "Eagle xx, taxi up to and hold short of 17R." No reply. Again, "Eagle xx, taxi up to and hold short of 17R." Finally after a bit of a delay a young lady that sounded about 15, "Sorry, I had some candy in my mouth." A bit of silence. "I've got some candy little girl."
 
Sadly, I saw Easterwood is on the list of tantrum closures.
 
I use to work at IAD and DCA in the late 60's and early 70's and this brings back some old memories. Also worked at Ft. Eustis Falker Field and the military comm's were great. Thanks all for the memories. MM
 
I was up doing some recurrent approaches with a friend at KAFW, we were on a long ILS intercept and heard the following conversation.

Aircraft "Alliace tower, where is the runway?"

Tower "Look to your left, you're lined up on the railyard."

Aircraft "We see it, thanks tower."

Tower "No worries, Cleared for the option, 16 Left."

Aircraft "N1234, cleared for the option 16 Left, this will be a full stop."

Aircraft "Wow, we juts landed centerline and the bumps are really shaking us up down here" (reflectors and stuff on the runway.)

Tower "We tried to do something about that, but the fighter jocks protested because they like their martinis shaken, instead of stirred."

-----------

Now for one of my favorite songs... the French can do a few things right.

I'm a Pilot - YouTube

Sky Fighters - Into The Fire - YouTube
 
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