I'm sure a lot of you have noticed the paradigm shift in the last 2-3 years where literally everything has one (or multiple) tip jars hanging around and you're being physically asked for a tip, sometimes multiple different ways, during a transaction.
Well, my response to this over-saturation of bullshit when comparing it to the average level of service and abysmal decline in IQ, while at the same time noticing a drastic increase in the ability to just fuck everything up, all of the time, is to simply not fucking tip anyone unless they do something rather spectacular to actually earn it.
Apparently this is something they count on as well at this point. Went to a cafe/bakery with the wife this past weekend. The dumb as fuck girl working the counter at this hoity toity place (where she says perfect! after any coherent thing you say, because that is apparently the 1 word her brain allows her to save for use at any time) decided to not only physically fucking mention the tip jar to me after assuming that doing 11.3 seconds of work that involved filling a coffee cup and handling a pastry that someone else made merited that; but then tapped her key on the checkout screen and stood there staring at it while she waited to see how much of an awesome tip I was leaving her. How do I know this? Her demeanor and the look on her face went from feeling successful because she remembered she still had $17 in her checking account and wasn't over-drafted as usual to realizing that I had just drank her soul with the straw she had given me. Tasty.
Sorry jobbers, that tip you were counting on because 'thats how we've always done it' has gone into my OnlyFans piggy bank or something. Or Ill just keep it and go swimming in it like Scrouge McDuck, or rub it on my balls or something more useful than giving it to you. I don't know - you're just not getting any of it, so whatever. Which by the way, why is it that whenever I ever give money to anyone 30 and under, I always just feel like I'm funding vape, and failure? It's like knowingly funding terrorism, but for people who are too stupid to actually be terrorists?
But don't be mad at me!
It's really your fault. When you got bold enough that a simple, modest tip jar wasn't enough and instead, you needed to make them the giant pretzel barrel size and put multiples of them in multiple areas (like they cant be fucking seen from the parking lot), you just flew too close to the sun. Ironically, you wont get that reference because, well, you're stupid. Then doubling down and setting up your fancy iPad credit card thing to, by default, leave you a 20% tip, has me where we're at right now - you get nothing, and you're going to fucking love it. But lets be honest for a second; you really just do the bare minimum on average and even then, you still completely suck at like everything the rest of the time. Were you born 50-75 years ago you would have been eaten by a bear or fallen into a mineshaft already.
I need you to embrace the fact that before I even see you, or ignore how you say 'perfect!' to anything I fucking say while we both know that you're brain is still loading at 37% trying to put together the 3 simple tasks I just gave you, that I have already determined that you are not getting shit from me. Nothing. Zero. Nada. It's like a trophy for me at this point that has already given me visions of making an app to keep track of how much tip cash you fucked a millennial out of, with leader-boards and monthly contests.
I bite my thumb at you, poors!
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