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Maggie’s sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

Guy gets on the airplane and he's sitting in his seat muttering to himself, "How could I be so stupid! What an asshole!"
Fellow next to him says, "I notice you're pretty upset, what happened?"
He says' Did you see the rack on the ticket agent? I walked up to her and asked for two pickets for Tittsburgh"
She said Excuse me? And I again asked for 2 pickets for Tittsburgh! She got pissed and said Are you sure you don't mean two tickets for Pittsburgh? Sir?.... I felt like a schmuck!"

The other guy is laughing out loud and tells him, "I'm a psychiatrist what you had was what we call a Freudian slip! It happens all the time, don't feel bad"

The dude feels alittle better and says,"All the time?"
"Oh Yeah" says the doctor, "Just the other day I was having breakfast with my wife and I wanted her to pass the sugar and I said ....you miserable bitch you ruined my life!"
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: IrishRifle</div><div class="ubbcode-body">At the second annual International Feminist Organisation meeting held in London the host speaker addresses the crowd of thousands from all over the world.

“Ladies, at the conclusion of last years meeting I instructed you all to return to your own countries and inform your husbands that you would no longer be a slave to the home. That no longer would you do the cooking, the cleaning or the ironing!”
“Now I would like to hear from some of you as to how the last year has gone.”
“Yes, you there.”

“Bonjour, my name is Monica. I am from Paris, France. Last year I told my husband Peire that I would no longer be doing the ironing!
After one week, I see nothing.
After two weeks, I see nothing.
After three weeks, I see that he has done all the ironing himself and has been doing so ever since!”

The crowd erupt into tremendous applause. The host continues.
“Thank you Monica, you are an inspiration to us all. Another please, yes you there.”

“Hello, my name is Linda. I am from London, England. Last year I told my husband George that I would no longer be doing the ironing or the cleaning!
After one week, I see nothing.
After two weeks, I see nothing.
After three weeks, I see that he has done all the cleaning himself and has been doing so ever since!”

The crowd again erupt into tremendous applause. The host continues.
“Thank you Linda, you are also an inspiration to us all. Another please, yes you there.”

“Hello, my name is Mary. I am from Dublin, Ireland. Last year I told my husband Paddy that I would no longer be doing the ironing, the cleaning or the cooking!
After one week, I see nothing.
After two weeks, I see nothing.
After three weeks, I see a little out of my left eye.
</div></div>

That is great!!
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is... I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not Bloody listening'
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: chevyrulz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
humor-demotivational-poster-1230883113.jpg
</div></div>


And they say honesty is a virtue, guess not! LMAO
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Tip em over</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?


When she fit's in your wifes clothes. </div></div>


One of THE best ones yet

grin.gif
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

"Show me a woman with a smile on her face, and I will show you a man with empty pockets"
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

A wife goes to her husband (who's a doctor) and says that she wants to get a boob job and it'll cost $5,000. The husband says, "I know for a fact that if you rub Charmin toilet paper between you tits three times a day, your boobs will get bigger".

She's stunned at what her husband says so she rubs the TP between her tits three times a day religiously for six months. After no change whatsoever in her bra size she asks her husband, "Why isn't this working? I've been doing what you said with the TP for six months and still no change. Where'd you read about this technique?"

To which the husband replies, "I didn't read it anywhere. You've been wiping your ass with that TP and look how big it got in the past six months since we've been married."

grin.gif
eek.gif
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

True story-

A Marine NCO was smoking a female LCpl for screwing something up. He told her to start doing push ups. She started doing girl push ups. Bear in mind this is in full view of a Major and a Gunny. The Corporal kneels down next to her and yells "I always hear you complaining about equal opportunity - well I believe in equal opportunity too. So stop being a bitch, get off your fucking knees, and start pushing like a man."

The Major turned to the Gunny and asked "Did that just happen" and the Gunny turned and said with a smile on his face, "Damn....that just happened."

I don't know if that was conveyed humorously but it had half the company laughing their ass off.
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

A guy walks up to a very attractive female at a bar and asks her " Have you ever had magic sex before?"

The girl says " Why no I haven't... what is it exactly?"

The guy smiles and says "well, we fuck and then you vanish!" TADDA BITCH!
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

If a man is alone in a forest, and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

A store has just opened in New York City that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited....
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

Why does a woman have one brain cell more than a cow?

So she doesn't shit on the floor when she is doing the dishes.
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

Definition of a wife - something you screw in the bed and it washes the dishes.

Difference between a wife and a refrigerator - the refrigerator does not fart when you pull your meat out of it!
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

Why do women have two sets of lips?










So they can piss and moan at the same time.
 
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

It's been said that married men live longer.



It's not true, it only seems longer.
...........................................................

If you want to know who likes you better, your wife or your dog try this. Lock them in the trunk of your car and see which one is happy to see you when you let them out.

...........................................................

Two attractive blondes eating lunch together when a flower delivery guy walks up and hands one of them two dozen long stemmed red roses. She opens the card, reads it and says, "Great, now I have to spend the whole night on my back with my legs in the air."

The other blonde responds, "Jesus, don't you have a vase?"

.............................................................

This is an actual quote from Albert Einstein.

"A man that can drive a car safely while kissing a beautiful woman, is not giving the woman the attention she deserves."
 
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