Maggie’s The Man Test

[Cornholeo]

THE MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat..'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Frappe' or a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too..

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter-puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts or hold his beer.

 

[Cornholeo]

Retiree forced to go shopping with his wife

After a man retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Tesco's.

Unfortunately, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out, but his wife loved to browse.

As a result the wife received the following letter from the local Tesco:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of apple juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

 

[xdpatriot]

THE MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat..'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Frappe' or a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too..

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter-puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts or hold his beer.

Not getting a pedicure or a manicure needs to be on here as well. Just saying...

 

[Cstanm70]

Someone is deeply homophobic

 

[Name Enough]

I have a cat but if you lived here you would have one two because we have a lot of field mice and once in a while they find their way into the house. The cat keeps them out of the barn and the garage. I also know the name of many different desserts but then I am a chef. Finally if you are from the country and drive around in the big city you keep both hands on the wheel and your head on a swivel. Then you are glad to get the hell out of town.

 

[xdpatriot]

I think this was supposed to be a joke.

 

[VJJPunisher]

if you wear a drop leg holster to the local range you crave man on man anal love

 

[Name Enough]

if you wear a drop leg holster to the local range you crave man on man anal love

Doesn't that depend on what kind of camo you wear with it? Please advise.

 

[VJJPunisher]

if you own a dog that weighs less than 100 lbs full grown, yup, you definatley gargle on man nuts

 

[Cornholeo]

if you own a dog that weighs less than 100 lbs full grown, yup, you definatley gargle on man nuts

bahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

 

[Cornholeo]

I think this was supposed to be a joke.

Rgr that, there are some serious mofos on here LOL!

 

[Danco411]

I have a 35lb Maincoon that looks like a Lion and would kick your 100lb dogs ass and eat his heart for lunch. LOL. I also have two Aussies who keep their distance from Remington the manly Lion. No homo tendencies here.

 

[VJJPunisher]

my dog weighs 198 lbs, he takes shits bigger than your dog

 

[Cstanm70]

If you have anti-gay tendencies to the point in which you post a thread insulting them, you probably are the honorary queen of the annual fudge-packer convention.

 

[Dirty D]

THE MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...

I like to call people gay too when they make me look like a fat lazy bastard.

 

[Cornholeo]

If you have anti-gay tendencies to the point in which you post a thread insulting them, you probably are the honorary queen of the annual fudge-packer convention.

Its called a joke Francis, lighten up. What you do in your spare time is non of my business and I did not mean to offend you.

 

[Apothus]

I thought chartreuse was a popular lure/bait color for bass and saltwater fishing lol.

 

[Cartman]

I laughed my arse off but this test means I probably have a future as a gay porn star. I hope I get to be on top.

And the dog in my avatar weighs 173 on an accurate vet's scale and could outrun a German Shepherd. (But as VJJ points out, that still leaves me in hard-core arse bandit territory.) My current dog of that breed coexists with our Pitbull. They're both bitches and sometimes tensions are high, and once in a blue moon a fight breaks out. I have found them with the Pitbull's head clamped solidly in the big one's mouth. The entire head. I would not bet on that Maincoon. That said, I'm sure they're closeted lesbians!

 

[jcfd2201]

Wow I have lived such a sheltered life......

 

[Sportin Wood]

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.

I guess I'm half a homo... I will piss anywhere in any public parking lot, but taking a seat on a infested public toilet seat.. that's a no. So are you gay if you get AIDS, crabs, etc. from a toilet seat??

 

[Cartman]

I guess I'm half a homo... I will piss anywhere in any public parking lot, but taking a seat on a infested public toilet seat.. that's a no. So are you gay if you get AIDS, crabs, etc. from a toilet seat??

Don't worry, we're not going to start dating any time soon, but I'm laughing out loud trying to read that list to my wife and she says "yuk, you wouldn't sit on a public toilet would you?" Nope, not if I can help it.

 

[sharac]

Actually real men don't differentiate between taking a dump or taking a piss so parking lot should be just fine...


PS: The art of laying antipersonnel mines in the nature should be a craft every real man should master...

 

[Cornholeo]

Don't worry, we're not going to start dating any time soon, but I'm laughing out loud trying to read that list to my wife and she says "yuk, you wouldn't sit on a public toilet would you?" Nope, not if I can help it.

Nasty seat in a portolet at the races, pull the bombardier. Get yourself in a good crouch position standing on the seat and holla bombs away! may get some funny looks outside and the wife asked WTF was that all about.

 

[jbell]

Cornholeo, good Stripes reference, classic!

About the shitting in public places I am all about it, but is can get rough: I have been in several port-a-shits where the pile is over the seat. No joke I have pictures on my old computer (wish it still worked). Most all have been at races of some sort or the other, triathlons, trail runs, full and half marathons, mountain bike races ect. All of which I needed to unload before the event and waiting till I got home was not an option. I have been lucky enough to master them all it can get tricky when the pile is more than a few inches over the seat, it helps to be tall and have shoes with good traction. But there was one that would have forced me out in the woods, lucky for me I was good to go that time. It was a measured 1.5' over the seat, I was called over to verify by a friend. We still cant figure out how it was piled so high... HAHAHA memories

 

[*Bones*]

Agreed. My jack russell terrier will F your big dog up any day of the week

and I have taken a $hit in a few rough places, once in my pants or twice I guess that was a shart and didnt count but no way am I $hitting in an over flowing porta crapper

Bones

 

[Cartman]

Best. Public. Toilet. Story. Evah? Trainspotting. The book, not the movie. I think I fell out of bed I was laughing so hard.

Depending on your mood this could be an all-stop or full steam ahead situation:
Man arrested after hiding inside toilet to spy on women using it | Metro News

 

[Coletta]

We should start a thread on all the random places folks have shat. I have some good ones. The trick to public restrooms is to frequent your favorite ones. That way you develop a sense of ownership.
I would also like to bring up border collies as an exception to the 100lbs+ dog rule. My 40lb border collie is not only smarter than my 110lb lab, but she will also F-up my lab! My lab is completely submissive to my collie.

 

[*Bones*]

I think I may have a picture of me $hitting my pants after a really damn big noise literally scared the $hit out of, well the pressure kinda did too. Trust me when I say after woofing down some crappy bagged food and some nasty slimy hot hydro pack water from the thing not being cleaned in a while,,,,,,the combination will make it drop like its hot. The sad thing was I wasnt the only one. That damn tin can smelled like poop for a while. Not ashamed at all $hit happens. Now I gotta hunt up those pics when we all mooned the cameras. Some one wrote on the pic "Toss this salad"

Good and bad times but all memories now,
Bones

 

[Brian]

Adults ( if you want to consider them that) that watch those dumb ass cartoons on Sunday nights can be added to your man test

I just can't get over the fact that society has fkn adults watching cartoons............

 

[Chemguy]

I would take a dump in a parking lot. As a matter of fact, I have.

 

[Chemguy]

Adults ( if you want to consider them that) that watch those dumb ass cartoons on Sunday nights can be added to your man test

I just can't get over the fact that society has fkn adults watching cartoons............

Does Archer count?

 

[Cartman]

Adults ( if you want to consider them that) that watch those dumb ass cartoons on Sunday nights can be added to your man test

I just can't get over the fact that society has fkn adults watching cartoons............

There's more real life in King of the Hill than any live action show I can think of.

 

[JoeSmith]

Frankly, homophobia is currently one of last prejudices that is still somewhat acceptable to espouse in the US. However, holding that view is going to increasingly look like any other bigot or racist ideology: outdated, wrong headed and mean spirited. Not to mention indicative of other deeply seated psychological and social maladjustments on the part of said adherents. Fortunately, enlightenment has finally begun to descend upon humanity with an eye for honest inquiry and assessment as to just how and why those hateful views have developed and persisted. The overwhelming conclusion indicates there is no valid scientific basis from which to base such ill treatment of anyones sexuality. If you feel that such commentary is justifiable, the challenge is to sustain it in the face of one of your relatives, or, say your children. That is assuming those would be brave enough to present their identity to you in the first place given the fact that bigots usually are outspoken of their position to such a degree that their potential for social brutality has already been made evident.
This section of the forum is a bit of a bear pit and certainly ones sense of humor varies, yet, words mean things and yours indicates you have a poor disposition towards your fellow humanity. Such views are disgusting and pathetic in this day and age. In conclusion, consider your discrimination extends to the members of the military service - which has finally allowed any and all to proudly serve and contribute to our national defense. At what point in a firefight do you care about the sexuality of anyone your unit? If it doesn't matter then and there, discrimination cannot be maintained elsewhere. The first military sniper who comes out will present a stark contrast to the view that anyone who is gay is worthless as a human - which is what all homophobia necessarily implies. Either you care about their service and what they do for the mission and the country or you have a hangup about issues that do not matter.
Our republic is ostensibly a meritocracy and that is what most anyone would ask in consideration: do not judge anyone, use the golden rule and give them a fair chance. Homophobia and other bias yields nothing to those ideals and that is wrong. No one knows how or why homosexuality exists; such an issue God's business. The fact is they exist and your choice is to decide how you want to comport yourself. So far, you are being a boor.

Human Rights Project

 

[Name Enough]

^^^ Amen brother. Judge each individual on that individuals merits or lack there of and not on any preconceived notions of who or what they are.

 

[sharac]

Frankly, homophobia is currently one of last prejudices that is still somewhat acceptable to espouse in the US. However, holding that view is going to increasingly look like any other bigot or racist ideology: outdated, wrong headed and mean spirited. Not to mention indicative of other deeply seated psychological and social maladjustments on the part of said adherents. Fortunately, enlightenment has finally begun to descend upon humanity with an eye for honest inquiry and assessment as to just how and why those hateful views have developed and persisted. The overwhelming conclusion indicates there is no valid scientific basis from which to base such ill treatment of anyones sexuality. If you feel that such commentary is justifiable, the challenge is to sustain it in the face of one of your relatives, or, say your children. That is assuming those would be brave enough to present their identity to you in the first place given the fact that bigots usually are outspoken of their position to such a degree that their potential for social brutality has already been made evident.
This section of the forum is a bit of a bear pit and certainly ones sense of humor varies, yet, words mean things and yours indicates you have a poor disposition towards your fellow humanity. Such views are disgusting and pathetic in this day and age. In conclusion, consider your discrimination extends to the members of the military service - which has finally allowed any and all to proudly serve and contribute to our national defense. At what point in a firefight do you care about the sexuality of anyone your unit? If it doesn't matter then and there, discrimination cannot be maintained elsewhere. The first military sniper who comes out will present a stark contrast to the view that anyone who is gay is worthless as a human - which is what all homophobia necessarily implies. Either you care about their service and what they do for the mission and the country or you have a hangup about issues that do not matter.
Our republic is ostensibly a meritocracy and that is what most anyone would ask in consideration: do not judge anyone, use the golden rule and give them a fair chance. Homophobia and other bias yields nothing to those ideals and that is wrong. No one knows how or why homosexuality exists; such an issue God's business. The fact is they exist and your choice is to decide how you want to comport yourself. So far, you are being a boor.

Human Rights Project

I thought this is a shitting thread? No post in shitting thread should have more than 30 words loosely organized with ppor speelling...

 

[George63]

if you wear a drop leg holster to the local range you crave man on man anal love

and please PM photos of your "junk" to VJJ

 

[hessian]

So Joe, I got a question. You sound expert. Since the homo in homosexual is the Greek prefix meaning same, and the Latin homo prefix means "man", does homophobia refer to fear of men or fear of sameness?

 

[JoeSmith]

So Joe, I got a question. You sound expert. Since the homo in homosexual is the Greek prefix meaning same, and the Latin homo prefix means "man", does homophobia refer to fear of men or fear of sameness?

You know and everyone else darn well knows what it means. Check a dictionary if needed. Avoidance of the relevant topic is sure sign of inability to deal with reality. Again, at what point in the middle of firefight would as a unit leader immediately evacuate a rifleman or medic or JTAC if he/she suddenly told you they were gay? Crickets? If its meaningless then (or merely because of you wanted simple survival and/or mission accomplishment) then its meaning even less back in the world when you have a chance to behave in a civilized manner without responding to human differences in a vicious and capricious manner. Treat others with dignity and respect and you may receive in kind Otherwise exposes your character as unworthy of same.

 

[Anvil_X]

I guess I'm half a homo... I will piss anywhere in any public parking lot, but taking a seat on a infested public toilet seat.. that's a no. So are you gay if you get AIDS, crabs, etc. from a toilet seat??

Dude yeah, I was in Hohenfels Germany in '06 training with some Czech soldiers, and I got scabies from using the same damn toilets as those dirty birds.

 

[Captain Kirk]

I also have a long list of words I do not use in my vocabulary

-sconce (light)
-armoire (dresser)
-serendipitous (shit happens for a reason)
-quiche (egg pie)

the list is long, and every time I say one or a friend says one, its one punch on the man card

 

[jbell]

Frankly, homophobia is currently one of last prejudices that is still somewhat acceptable to espouse in the US. However, holding that view is going to increasingly look like any other bigot or racist ideology: outdated, wrong headed and mean spirited. Not to mention indicative of other deeply seated psychological and social maladjustments on the part of said adherents. Fortunately, enlightenment has finally begun to descend upon humanity with an eye for honest inquiry and assessment as to just how and why those hateful views have developed and persisted. The overwhelming conclusion indicates there is no valid scientific basis from which to base such ill treatment of anyones sexuality. If you feel that such commentary is justifiable, the challenge is to sustain it in the face of one of your relatives, or, say your children. That is assuming those would be brave enough to present their identity to you in the first place given the fact that bigots usually are outspoken of their position to such a degree that their potential for social brutality has already been made evident.
This section of the forum is a bit of a bear pit and certainly ones sense of humor varies, yet, words mean things and yours indicates you have a poor disposition towards your fellow humanity. Such views are disgusting and pathetic in this day and age. In conclusion, consider your discrimination extends to the members of the military service - which has finally allowed any and all to proudly serve and contribute to our national defense. At what point in a firefight do you care about the sexuality of anyone your unit? If it doesn't matter then and there, discrimination cannot be maintained elsewhere. The first military sniper who comes out will present a stark contrast to the view that anyone who is gay is worthless as a human - which is what all homophobia necessarily implies. Either you care about their service and what they do for the mission and the country or you have a hangup about issues that do not matter.
Our republic is ostensibly a meritocracy and that is what most anyone would ask in consideration: do not judge anyone, use the golden rule and give them a fair chance. Homophobia and other bias yields nothing to those ideals and that is wrong. No one knows how or why homosexuality exists; such an issue God's business. The fact is they exist and your choice is to decide how you want to comport yourself. So far, you are being a boor.

Human Rights Project

Damn, you have really given this some thought... I are not that smart. But on the same topic how easy it is to build the true esprit de corps needed in a fighting unit with the introduction to gays (or what ever the politically correct term is) into our military. I have been out of the Marines for many years now so I don't know. But I can tell you with out a doubt that it would not have been accepted very well in every unit I was in. Maybe we were all too judge mental and unwilling to compromise but it is not the world we were raised in both in our home and military life.

JoeSmith, I do have a question for you. I see you are a member of our military (thank you for that! by the way) are you in a unit with gays in it and if so how is that working? What is your MOS if so? Don't take me the wrong way, I really want to know. As I said above I was never around it in my time and the thought was never there so I don't know.

 

[xdpatriot]

I just always assumed gay people told straight jokes while we weren't around. Great. Now I feel like a dick.

 

[VJJPunisher]

If you try to tell someone they are wrong for their beliefs, such as being a homo is wrong, than you are wrong as two boys fuckin. Whos the true bigot?

 

[ArmyJerry]

Good post, but after living here in Miami for the past 13 years I assume every guy is gay. Not a bad thing, simple math, more homos = more chicks for normal guys. To the thin skinned homos, remember, the other side has the right to believe what the hell they want just like the homos do. And yes getting a pedicure or manicure is unmanly, men chew their nails or use their bayonet to cut their nails. At the end of the day, I don't believe in discriminating against homos, let them get married, it works so well between man and woman that I feel they should experience the same joys of marriage (excepting the procreation part). I suspect that as more homos get married the less they will call themselves Gay.

 

[jr81452]

6. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter-puffer.

Grow the hell up and buy a suit already. We can't all shovel cow shit for a living.

 

[ttomp73]

I didn't know there was so many homos in Texas, bunch of cry babies, if you get offended don't come in here acting like a homo , go to homos.com where nobody will give you the man test and break your spirit when you fail.

 

[armorpl8chikn]

I thought chartreuse was a popular lure/bait color for bass and saltwater fishing lol.

That is what it says on the box, but if you refer to it as anything other than "yeller".you likely blow a mean meat whistle.

 

[VJJPunisher]

If this thread is all it takes to get ya all riled up it's a sure bet you play the hell out of a rusty trombone

 

[Coletta]

I also have a long list of words I do not use in my vocabulary

-sconce (light)
-armoire (dresser)
-serendipitous (shit happens for a reason)
-quiche (egg pie)

the list is long, and every time I say one or a friend says one, its one punch on the man card

Haha! We could also start a thread on these. I am probably going to use "egg pie".

 

[lowfill707]

wait a sec...ring pops are gay now...?