Time to play How Fucked am I

[antithesis]

I empathize with your situation. Dealing with family that are abusing drugs and alcohol, especially immediate family, is painful for all involved. I am speaking from experience from both my own siblings and my wife's family when I say that most people with drug problems don't have a lasting recovery unless they hit rock bottom AND someone they care about and depend on is there to help them. By help them I mean point out to them that the only way forward is for them to address the problem and get help (AAA, AON, daily outpatient, etc.). They need to be convinced to make the hard choices. You can't do it for them.

The thing that stands out for me is the mental health issues. Personally, I would be very suspicious of this if I were you. It is a where there's smoke there's fire thing. People that are taking drugs are crafty liars because at some level they believe what they are telling you. They convince everyone that they have mental problems, which in a sense they do, but the source of the problems is the drugs. They go to a psychiatrists and get a different drug, and often don't need that as the psychiatrists does not get the whole story. The other concern is she was caught with pot. Getting caught with one things tells you nothing about what may actually be going on. A real frigging mess.

Best to you and your family.

 

[culater]

My Dad threaten us if we were found us kids were using drugs. He would take us to the Morgue to see what happen to you. He worked as a Reserve Officer in Detroit. He had the connections to make that happen. I never took drugs ever because of that, May it time to visit that place for your daughter. You have the family connections use it.

 

[j-huskey]

There is a metric ton of bad advice given here.

My daughter will not be kicked out because she is some random age. She is my daughter.
My daughter will not be relocated to the yard or grandmas house. She is my daughter, Effin pain or not.
My adult daughter, if she lives in my house, will understand tha I own firearms and the firearms are in a safe.
My daughter would get what resources I could provide for her to be well. If weed was the worst of it, I’d move to Colorado.

Please let us know if you still feel that way after "the authorities" make you remove your firearms, your adult daughter goes through 4 rehab programs, does jail time, costs you a quarter of a mil, steals a lot of your stuff, and repeat reoffends, is currently facing 5 felony charges and a court date, and tells you how shes planning on killing you (that mentally ill thing...), does get a gun to do it......

Best thing I did was say, "You are on your own, sink or swim, no more bail outs". And hold that line. It's the longest shes been straight since she was an adult.

I hope you never find yourself there. I formerly thought like you did. No more.

And, fwiw, it was a whole family decision to cut her off. All our lives were affected. It was a hard choice but, the right choice.

 

[EddieNFL]

Please let us know if you still feel that way after "the authorities" make you remove your firearms, your adult daughter goes through 4 rehab programs, does jail time, costs you a quarter of a mil, steals a lot of your stuff, and repeat reoffends, is currently facing 5 felony charges and a court date, and tells you how shes planning on killing you (that mentally ill thing...), does get a gun to do it......

Best thing I did was say, "You are on your own, sink or swim, no more bail outs". And hold that line. It's the longest shes been straight since she was an adult.

I hope you never find yourself there. I formerly thought like you did. No more.

And, fwiw, it was a whole family decision to cut her off. All our lives were affected. It was a hard choice but, the right choice.

You have to decide how many lives you're willing to let one person take with them.

 

[oneshot86]

Most folks just have not worn the shoes.
It's hard, real hard on everyone. Not for a little bit of time either.
Huskey, says above, takes the whole family, yes, or at least the two people who own the household who give permissions for anouther adult to be there.
Gents, it only takes ONE controlling interest to allow the person in your home, regardless of what the other person thinks. It can be living he'll to have your spouse allow those dynamics in your home and around others you are raising.
It's tough for sure, we wish Alpha dawg the best.

 

[j-huskey]

@Alphatreedog

You have to try, what's best for the whole family. And for her.
Mission, men, self.

I've had to move my weapons out. Thank God I had a bud with a vault basement.
I gave her several chances. I'm no longer married to her mom...
At some point, the rest if your family needs to have a say, b4 it costs you a divorce.
See my above post.

Please let it be a FAMILY decision on whats best for the whole family.

Greater Love has no man than they lay down their life for others....

No matter how much you love your daughter, laying down your life to a stress heart attack and death for her, does not protect the rest of your family and their future.

It's a horrendously ugly choice at times, but the whole family has to survive, sane....

Best to you,
vr and sincerely.
jw

 

[quick1911]

A friend had a family member in his home get arrested and had a restraining order placed against them. They were also told no guns in the home so he brought all his guns to my house for a couple weeks while figuring out what to do.

He spoke with a prosecutor he was friends with about it. Prosecutor said if all the guns and ammo were locked in a safe in the home and the arrestee didn't know the combination it would be fine.

That's what he did. After the charges were dropped and the restraining order expired everything went back to normal.

You could see if that's a legal option in your case.

 

[Nik H]

@Alphatreedog

I am truly sorry to hear about these type of troubles at home. Never had it happen with my kids but had my first cousin, who really was like my brother, who was eyes deep into hard drugs. So much so that he spent hard time for associated crimes. Then they found out he was not a US Citizen and they deported him back to Greece and is never allowed to return to the US. This was in the early 1990s.

He was met at the airport by the Military Officials who drafted him. He spent the next 4 years in the Army. Solved his issues much better than jail. Even though we didn't want to see him go...getting him out of the element he was in was the best thing for him. He has remained drug free since then.

I can't give you any meaningful advice. I know it is easy to say that she is an adult and she needs to stand on her own two feet. Easy because it is not the child of the person who is suggesting it that is in trouble. My view is a bit different. Kids are blood. Don't know what I would do if faced with this type of issue but I know I wouldn't throw her out. Her addiction is no less a disease than if she had cancer. Get opinions on alternative types of treatment.

Relative to the issue with your firearms rights...I would lock everything up in a safe...not on premises to start. Keep quiet about it....if they want to inspect....tell them to get a warrant and then let them do it. When things calm down, bring the safe back if you desire. I hate to say this but the police are not the only ones that may come looking for firearms. My cousin stole one of my father's pistols when he was 17. Thankfully, we got it back and it wasn't used in a crime. Same may happen here depending on whom your daughter associates with during these times.

I truly hope this sorts itself out

 

[Snuby642]

A word of caution.

Lets say your daughter is a little messed up but not a bad person in general and loves her family .

You can bet her doped up buddies do not give one little shit about you.
They will get her doped out come over and steal all your stuff.

She will not be thinking strait and it will happen.

Get her an appartment near you so you can help her. If that costs you a second job sorry but will be cheaper in the long run.

Get your locks changed and do not give her a key ever. Her dope friends will make a copy.

Do not let her bring her friends over to your house, she has made poor friend choices and they will steal you blind.

Get some counseling for you and the wife so she is on the same page.

Had my own brother get mixed up with
Doper girls just to get laid I guess and ruined his life. Sad to admit but is no longer welcome after theft started.

He has never changed in 40 years.

Hope you can get your daughter back on track, but in the meantime protect yourself as well.

 

[DannC]

I must publicly apologize for my hurtful statement about the judge should have known that putting her back in your care would not be beneficial.

It was not the intent of my post to make you the culprit in her actions, but rather that mental illness is beyond the scope of the most devoted parent.

I also find that the majority of the initial post were to help you find a novel way to have her in your home and to allow you to retain your guns are not helpful.

The needs of your daughter can only be addressed in a secure medical facility. I hope that the medical professionals in your area are compentent. I have found most are not.

If you have faith in the mental health professional assigned to your daughter, take them with you and have a face to face with the judge who has offered more probation.

Your daughter needs your continued support and you need help from mental health professionals.

This thread may die, but keep us informed of the progress as you have found there are many here who have you in their thoughts.

DannC

 

[fdkay]

This is a very tough call. I don't know the right answer, but I CAN tell that LE and family protective services frequently deal with 30 all the way up to 50+ year olds that still live at home because they never learned to cope. I can also tell you it is never a good family dynamic.

 

[Rearden Steel]

Please let us know if you still feel that way after "the authorities" make you remove your firearms, your adult daughter goes through 4 rehab programs, does jail time, costs you a quarter of a mil, steals a lot of your stuff, and repeat reoffends, is currently facing 5 felony charges and a court date, and tells you how shes planning on killing you (that mentally ill thing...), does get a gun to do it......

Best thing I did was say, "You are on your own, sink or swim, no more bail outs". And hold that line. It's the longest shes been straight since she was an adult.

I hope you never find yourself there. I formerly thought like you did. No more.

And, fwiw, it was a whole family decision to cut her off. All our lives were affected. It was a hard choice but, the right choice.

Sounds like you and your family followed a course of action that escalated with each issue your daughter inflicted on the family. And, it sounds like you and your family made hard decisions that were just and necessary to preserve the family. I’m not sure how that compares to the OP though. His situation sounded like step 1 of yours. Since your family experiences went much further than those of the op, you make the case I stated. And, it is possible his daughter’s story ends the same as yours, although I hope not. It is equally likely she figures it out from here. I personally would want to find that out before I took the step to remove her from home.

My point in my post was there were any number of people recommending immediate disassociation with their child based on the data in the original post. I wouldn’t disown my daughter based on that.

 

[Sean the Nailer]

This is a very tough call. I don't know the right answer, but I CAN tell that LE and family protective services frequently deal with 30 all the way up to 50+ year olds that still live at home because they never learned to cope. I can also tell you it is never a good family dynamic.

This, AS WELL AS, the home that you (and your wife) have built as well as the lifestyle that you two have created over the years,,,,, is as it is BECAUSE of the work and direction that you have CHOSEN to take.

Now, others are wanting to derail all of your efforts in one way or another. It truly is up to you as to how you lead your life. Just be cognizant and responsible with regards to both the "questions" as well as the "answers". Some of which are absolutely beyond your control or influence, depending on the path that you take.

Others are for a 'short time' whereas some are 'lifelong'. And YOUR life in this 'lifelong' situation is part of the concerning factors. How exactly do you want to live your life 6 days from now, 6 weeks from now, 6 months from now, and 6 years from now? Decisions and actions that you partake NOW will have HUGE impacts and influence later.

You need to decide how you want to live/see your life not just now, but later on, too. As does your wife.

 

[lonegunman762x51]

Find a shit studio apartment for $300 a month and move her lazy ass there. If your wife wants to bitch, get a two bedroom and send them both packing. In a word, fuck her. Mental health problems my ass, your kid has been a drag since she was 3 probably. Spoiled, probably and coddled her entire life. Either you or your wife makes excuses for her shit behavior constantly and you have for two decades. She was probably stoned or drunk quite a bit for high school and you were celebrating not having some random taupe grandkid to support when this crap happened.

You are not obligated to feed, cloth and entertain a damned worthless grownup. "Mental issues" is code speak for lazy fucking piece of shit who does not accept responsibility for their actions. That is her problem. In a nut shell the world needs more strippers, hookers or fast food workers so she has a bright future. Cut your losses.

One day in the not to distant future she will be fucking some scumbag for drugs and she will mention you have a nice house, guns, a decent car and money in the bank. Her ass will not be as entertaining to him and his boys as much and they will demand money instead of skanky ass for the dope. She will take them to see you or your wife and you will be robbed, raped or murdered while she giggles.

So your future looks bright unless you handle your shit. I had to fix mine several years ago, my kid still likes me and has been on the straight and narrow for seven years. Her choices were simple. She could , A. Pull her head out of her ass or B. Go live with scumbags and never speak to me again.

 

[Veer_G]

Find a shit studio apartment for $300 a month and move her lazy ass there. If your wife wants to bitch, get a two bedroom and send them both packing. In a word, fuck her. Mental health problems my ass, your kid has been a drag since she was 3 probably. Spoiled, probably and coddled her entire life. Either you or your wife makes excuses for her shit behavior constantly and you have for two decades. She was probably stoned or drunk quite a bit for high school and you were celebrating not having some random beige grandkid to support when this crap happened.

You are not obligated to feed, cloth and entertain a damned worthless grownup. "Mental issues" is code speak for lazy fucking piece of shit who does not accept responsibility for their actions. That is her problem. In a nut shell the world needs more strippers, hookers or fast food workers so she has a bright future. Cut your losses.

One day in the not to distant future she will be fucking some scumbag for drugs and she will mention you have a nice house, guns, a decent car and money in the bank. Her ass will not be as entertaining to him and his boys as much and they will demand money instead of skanky ass for the dope. She will take them to see you or your wife and you will be robbed, raped or murdered while she giggles.

So your future looks bright unless you handle your shit. I had to fix mine several years ago, my kid still likes me and has been on the straight and narrow for seven years. Her choices were simple. She could , A. Pull her head out of her ass or B. Go live with scumbags and never speak to me again.

"Random beige grandkid"? Why not just say mud-colored and temove all doubt?

Fucking rude and depressing.

 

[Snuby642]

Guess I had it easy with my 2 sons.

Kept them squared up through high school and enlisted at 17.

So many of the kids in the area went bad but most were from messed up homes and the parents did not try. Some are in jail and some have made good.

Don't abandon them but protect yourself as well.

 

[seansmd]

"Random beige grandkid"? Why not just say mud-colored and temove all doubt?

Fucking rude and depressing.

Veer is being nice, too nice.

 

[MtnCreek]

Maybe there’s more to it or more coming; I hope that’s not the case. When I hear caught with some pot, I don’t assume junky. I think some here do.

 

[chevy_man]

"Random beige grandkid"? Why not just say mud-colored and temove all doubt?

Fucking rude and depressing.

Sometimes harsh truths need to be realized.


My wife's family, she's the only one of 5 kids with no rap sheet.

4 of them all got busted for drinking, smoking, weed, coke, etc at various times. 3/4 have various baby daddies, constantly moving around, nothing stable for the kids, etc.


Mom and Dad enable them. Now divorced, they both provide whatever is needed. House to stay in, mini van to drive around, money to supplement the food stamps, etc.
All the while they blame their various undiagnosed mental issues.
Their issues are purely laziness and drugs to escape reality.

Meanwhile the wife and I have 2 kids, they are made to behave and do chores and be generally polite. They absolutely hate having too spend time with their shithead cousins. We spend time making our family successful, and don't waste time with most of hers that is worthless.

 

[seansmd]

Sometimes harsh truths need to be realized.


My wife's family, she's the only one of 5 kids with no rap sheet.

4 of them all got busted for drinking, smoking, weed, coke, etc at various times. 3/4 have various baby daddies, constantly moving around, nothing stable for the kids, etc.


Mom and Dad enable them. Now divorced, they both provide whatever is needed. House to stay in, mini van to drive around, money to supplement the food stamps, etc.
All the while they blame their various undiagnosed mental issues.
Their issues are purely laziness and drugs to escape reality.

Meanwhile the wife and I have 2 kids, they are made to behave and do chores and be generally polite. They absolutely hate having too spend time with their shithead cousins. We spend time making our family successful, and don't waste time with most of hers that is worthless.

What you share is real, the rude and depressing part is assuming the race of the OP, or the people his daughter may or may not get messed up with, "Random beige grandkid" , sick.

 

[MtnCreek]

What you share is real, the rude and depressing part is assuming the race of the OP, or the people his daughter may or may not get messed up with, "Random beige grandkid" , sick.

The real and depressing part is someone who I believe to be a good man is dealing with a kid that’s having a hard time. The fact that what gets some here bent is some race bullshit is another symptom of the same disease.

 

[MtnCreek]

@seansmd I don’t believe we’re entirely on the same page, but I’ll leave it alone.

 

[W54/XM-388]

Did this somehow get derailed into something completely different?

 

[seansmd]

@seansmd I don’t believe we’re entirely on the same page, but I’ll leave it alone.

I am locked on the mans pain and his struggles to get his daughter back, as I posted earlier in this thread. I am shocked by that response in particular.

 

[MtnCreek]

@W54/XM-388 Probably.

I apologize for any part I played in that.

 

[Veer_G]

What you share is real, the rude and depressing part is assuming the race of the OP, or the people his daughter may or may not get messed up with, "Random beige grandkid" , sick.

It's lost on this one. You can only cast so many pearls before swine until you realize that it's just easier to avoid the hogsty.

 

[2ndamendfan]

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. you are in a crappy situation.
@Alphatreedog
Look I am just going to say it now. I am an asshole X10.
I have only skimmed the thread so if my advice/stories are the same as others well then you should take that as a sign.

If bullets were flying I would be the first to stand up and take one for my daughter or my wife, no fucking question at all.

But those do NOT seem to be the circumstances here.

I have discussed this with my wife for almost 26 years. Even though our daughter is not quite 22.

I view my job as a parent the same as a eagle or a bear. This sounds probably weird but let me explain. I try an take as much emotion out of it as possible.

What does a bear do? It teaches its Cubs everything it can and then it sends them up a tree and walks the away.

An eagle teaches everything it can and then kicks the children from the nest.

Some survive some do not.

This sounds harsh of course, but I have busted my balls for almost 30 years. Much of that involved my daughter but there was ALWAYS an end game plan that involved my wife and I being retired happily.

DO NOT get me wrong, my wife and/or I would fall on a grenade for our daughter. But that is mostly because we believe she can "fly".

I have worked to hard and I suspect you have also to allow 1 child to destroy/ruin all your plans.

There is a point when a person MUST walk on their own two feet. Enabling them to do otherwise is NOT helping them but is is helping your Emotional reaction.

Emotions are rarely logical.

I will leave you with that. Ultimately the decision is yours. NO ONE will fault you which ever way you go.

 

[powdahound76]

3 things:

1. Tough spot. I will pray for you, your wife, and your daughter.
2. Having family who suffers from actual mental illness, I understand the want to give a little more help.
3. Hand up, not a hand out. Even the Bible (I use this because you referenced it) says this.

I think there are ways to help with a clear and concise plan. I like stuff written out, then it never relies on anyones memory later, as they are faulty when emotions get involved.

My very best wishes and prayers to you.

 

[308pirate]

There is a metric ton of bad advice given here.

First off, you don't set the standard for what is good or bad advice in this regard

Second, LOTS of people have kicked off shitbag adult children out of the house. At some point enough is enough and you don't get to decide for anyone but yourself/

 

[308pirate]

Gents, it only takes ONE controlling interest to allow the person in your home, regardless of what the other person thinks. It can be living he'll to have your spouse allow those dynamics in your home and around others you are raising.

Fuck the bitch. Divorce here we go.

 

[QuickNDirty]

@Alphatreedog

Have some exp with this in Texas... ymmv

It's a violation of HER probation, not yours.

I'd say, fuck it. Not changing shit. Probation officer comes by and finds out she violated her probation? Tough shit, shouldn't have gotten caught. Have fun in jail. See you later!

From the way you described it, she'll fail a piss test eventually so what difference does it make?

 

[Rearden Steel]

First off, you don't set the standard for what is good or bad advice in this regard

Second, LOTS of people have kicked off shitbag adult children out of the house. At some point enough is enough and you don't get to decide for anyone but yourself/

I think I explained my position further into the thread. Maybe you didn’t read that far.

 

[LawnMM]

Yes no warrant.required.

Not accurate. They can enter to search HER area(s) without a warrant as a condition of her probation. They don't have any right to search common areas nor can they force their way in any time, they can show up and ask if somebody is home.

She's on probation not you.

 

[Nik H]

They can enter to search HER area(s) without a warrant as a condition of her probation. They don't have any right to search common areas nor can they force their way in any time

This

Know your rights and tell them to fuck off

 

[oneshot86]

Fuck the bitch. Divorce here we go.

oh yeah, thats the way to go.

not

 

[308pirate]

oh yeah, thats the way to go.

not

Well then continue to be a victim

 

[powdahound76]

Hahahaaa

Pretty sure Mr Mike isnt a victim.

Perhaps the story he related is old or he didnt relay all the details.

Back to it.

Hope you are well @Alphatreedog

 

[oneshot86]

believe me, its a fucked up gift that keeps on giving, but cutting and running on your old lady right away aint it.
i dont know all the answers, hell, i dont know shit. i was forced into this and i hope we did the best we could.
but, by all means we couldnt have done it alone.

 

[lonegunman762x51]

Veer is being nice, too nice.

You two are actually inserting your own racist views and trying to imagine it is somehow my fault you are racists. Because to the chronically butt hurt always want to ignore the real problem. The real problem is not looking forward to a random illegitimate grand kid of questionable parentage and having to spend your life dealing with your new druggie and criminal relatives creeping round your house for visitation for the next 18 years. Or you spending your golden years funding a kid nobody wanted or planned for, good luck going to Europe with that millstone around your neck. Good luck owning guns with state aid workers prowling your home.

You don't like it because it is true and is the more than likely result of the life this woman leads. Like all closet leftists, your only recourse is to lash out and call the messenger names for telling you the truth.

Yeah, the OP is in a tough spot. Trying to make excuses and take blame for the bad behavior of a grown up is not my first choice. I had this choice and I wasn't going to have 30 years of hard work, gainful employment, good credit and my life in general be destroyed, period. You can always choose to let your ungrateful, entitled child destroy your life, enjoy.

 

[Veer_G]

You two are actually inserting your own racist views and trying to imagine it is somehow my fault you are racists. Because to the chronically butt hurt always want to ignore the real problem. The real problem is not looking forward to a random illegitimate grand kid of questionable parentage and having to spend your life dealing with your new druggie and criminal relatives creeping round your house for visitation for the next 18 years. Or you spending your golden years funding a kid nobody wanted or planned for, good luck going to Europe with that millstone around your neck. Good luck owning guns with state aid workers prowling your home.

You don't like it because it is true and is the more than likely result of the life this woman leads. Like all closet leftists, your only recourse is to lash out and call the messenger names for telling you the truth.

Remove the race component from your assertions and avoid the temptation to entertain your personal biases, Bigsby.

 

[308pirate]

Remove the race component from your assertions and avoid the temptation to entertain your personal biases, Bigsby.

Just who are you to dictate anything to anyone?

 

[Veer_G]

Just who are you to dictate anything to anyone?

I'm saying, put aside the idea that race is of concern, and concentrate on the idea of not letting skeezers and dregs close to you and yours.

Y tu abuela, ¿ qué ?

 

[seansmd]

It added nothing but distract from an otherwise cogent point. He added race, color, and assumptions, none needed to make the higher point.

 

[lonegunman762x51]

So tell us Mr. Know it All, what "race" is beige?

 

[bullseye13]

Sorry to hear this alpha. Happens all to often anymore. Idle hands are the devils workshop. Dont let her make you change the life you've worked for while she sits at home planning how she's going to get her next fix.
If she truly wants to get strait it's time for her to put in the work.
It your job to be her parent, not her best friend.

 

[bullseye13]

So tell us Mr. Know it All, what "race" is beige?

It's the typical " I'm offended" Democrat reply. Instead of being descriptive when telling a story, we need to leave out facts as not to offend anyone.

 

[lonegunman762x51]

It's the typical " I'm offended" Democrat reply. Instead of being descriptive when telling a story, we need to leave out facts as not to offend anyone.

I promise you, the democrats posting here will be offended no matter what. They do anything to defend their love of "justice involved individuals".

 

[Veer_G]

I'm not a Democrat, not by far. I'm simply not a knee-jerk jackass racist.

 

[lonegunman762x51]

I'm not a Democrat, not by far. I'm simply not a knee-jerk jackass racist.

Take a moment and tell us what race was offended? or mentioned? or pretty much anything outside of your delusion of leftist self loathing.

 

[bullseye13]

I'm not a Democrat, not by far. I'm simply not a knee-jerk jackass racist.

If I said I seen a beige cat cross the road with a baby bird in it's mouth that it stole from a nest. Would that be racist? Maybe I was just stating the facts. Sick of the race bullshit. Let someone tell a story without being offended.