Funny Things You Say That Pisses Off Your Wife... Go!

"EFF U B|tch" That works EVERY time!

My ex wife is small chested. She came out of the bathroom one time cupping her small breasts and looked at me and asked "what do you think about me getting a boob job? I want big boobs"

I went and grabbed a roll of toilet paper and handed it to her and said "here, rub this between your tits.... it worked for your ass!"

I slept on the couch for awhile

Any stupid dad jokes. This morning my wife said she was tired...

Its none of my business but I treat my carol as my partner, I would never say some of the things I saw above. They are funny, yes, but I can't imagine how I would make her feel by saying that.

I am a ham super yes, but if I'm cutting up with her I wouldn't make her the butt of my joke

“Stop being such a cunt!”

"Wow, that's really interesting... now make me a sammich"

Luckily my wife has a really great sense of humor. She's half Thai, so I get to use all of the asian jokes on her too. On another note, why does the spell check on this site prompt me that the word asian is spelled wrong?

I have the Clap

this new delta scope? oh it only cost, er, 250 quid....

101stinfantry said:

Luckily my wife has a really great sense of humor. She's half Thai, so I get to use all of the asian jokes on her too. On another note, why does the spell check on this site prompt me that the word asian is spelled wrong?

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It's flagging it because Asian should always be capitalized as it is derived from the name of a continent. Same with European American, African American, Asian cuisine, etc.

Now you know... and knowing is half the battle

I bought a new _ (gun, scope, fishing rod, etc)...

Cunt or bastard.
Oh no I'd never call her anything. She hates those two words and threatens to wash my mouth with soap, whenever I see or hear Hillary.

Why do you need a apple watch?! There’s a perfectly good clock on the stove.

My wife has a tendency to backseat drive.........on any number of subjects. I've tried numerous different things to get her to stop, to no avail.

Now, when she's trying to tell me how to do something, I just say "Don't worry, I've done this before". I particularly enjoy doing it in front of her friends. If she's gonna pull that crap in public, she's gonna get sandpapered in public. It does shut her right up. Every. Last. Time.

Mine hates when I refer to her and her friends as "broads". Yeah, very archaic I know, but it has grown on me.

Well.

I like to have a good time and joke around. I never say anything mean or attack a serious issue.
I did call my ex wife crazy once. Because she is and was extra crazy. And that made her crazier.

Never met a woman who seemed so cool and once reality happened she was a distant, cold hearted, evil, cheating whore.

When she’s on the elliptical I always tell her, “Keep it tight baby, keep it tight.”. I always get a single finger salute out of it.

Just about anything.

"They're taking up a collection on The Hide so that we can buy this humorless old prick a new truss and a sense of humor. Can I chip in 50 cents?"

little_scrapper said:

"EFF U B|tch" That works EVERY time!

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Why on earth would you say the to anybody, let alone your WIFE?

Guess what I bought .
Oh yeah , it's all about you .
Anything about Mexicans .
When I fart and ask " does that smell right to you " ?

Lesloan said:

Why on earth would you say the to anybody, let alone your WIFE?

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You haven't met my wife!

There is a song by the Cranberries I believe that has the line. , did you have to , did you have to , did you have to let it linger . I would always sing , did you have ta smell your finger . That one really pissed her off .

goosed said:

It's flagging it because Asian should always be capitalized as it is derived from the name of a continent. Same with European American, African American, Asian cuisine, etc.

Now you know... and knowing is half the battle

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Well, for God's sake don't tell her it should be capitalized!

I could've ruled the world, but I decided to have women in my life...

That's what happens when you let women vote...

I'm sorry dear, were you saying something?

Endless possibilities at my house

.........

Nothing drives my wife nuts like my silence. When I’m pissed I quit talking.

Calm down. I don't know why you're so worked up.

It's like flipping the crazy switch.

If you want to piss off just about any woman instantly just tell her she's crazy. A for sure trigger.

I have an awesome female German shorthair that I affectionately Call “girl dog”. If I say that to my wife in a joking manner she loses it!??

Whenever she lies or exaggerates I say "you lie Barack Obama"

There is never a way to tell, she wakes up in a different world everyday.

Oh will you shut the fuck up and take a midol already.
(kind of like watching a diesel go into runaway after blurting that out)

When she, or anyone else we know is pregnant and I say she's bred or when I say that I'll bring the chains when we go to the hospital. It also drives her nuts when I tell my boys to stop acting like a puss.

I just like to make up stupid “facts” that will somehow get her attention as I work them into regular conversation, and then once her interest has been piqued, I turn them into terrible dad jokes. It doesn’t really piss her off, but she falls for them constantly and then calls me an idiot or flips me the bird.

“I read that they’re putting Texas toast in the lion cages every morning at the St Louis zoo now, that’s interesting. “

“That’s weird, why would they do that??”

”Everything there is bread in captivity”

Always fun.

Cunt and “my old lady“ are big no no’s

Devildog said:

Cunt and “my old lady“ are big no no’s

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In our house too. But,,,, I'll let you guess what My Lady calls the hildebeast'!!!!! I think it's hillaryous (see what I did there?)

Sean the Nailer said:

In our house too. But,,,, I'll let you guess what My Lady calls the hildebeast'!!!!! I think it's hillaryous (see what I did there?)

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lol, nicely played!

There was this one woman I once knew.
She told me one day that she was pissed off at me over something I did in a dream of hers and that's why she was being mean to me all day.

You simply can't win sometimes HA!

W54/XM-388 said:

There was this one woman I once knew.
She told me one day that she was pissed off at me over something I did in a dream of hers and that's why she was being mean to me all day.

You simply can't win sometimes HA!

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That’s why calling them crazy sets them off cause it’s true.

Devildog said:

Cunt and “my old lady“ are big no no’s

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Just asked my wife if she would be cool with me calling her my old lady.

You're right! It did piss her off!

“You’re being overly emotional and dramatic.” .. and then the fight was on


When she’s mad at me but won’t say it:
Me: you mad at me?
Her: shrugs or says no - clearly she is
Me: oh thank god. I thought you were actually mad at me but glad we’re past that. Phew. (Said with complete sarcasm or actual sincerity depending on the reaction I’m looking for)
Her: explodes the way only a Latina type can


She’s always trying to get me to eat vegan organic free ranging GMO free shit. Me: that’s cute, but nah.

Maser said:

Mine hates when I refer to her and her friends as "broads". Yeah, very archaic I know, but it has grown on me.

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I'm surprised your mom gets angry at you...

Your boobs are hanging out again (point at waistline)

Kwfranklin88 said:

Your boobs are hanging out again (point at waistline)

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Pics or it is a lie. Asking for a friend.

Racheal Madcow and Chris Hayes are the same "person". They even wear the same clothes.
I'm a gun owning hard core conservative Trumper and she is a Bernie bitch. Go figure.

"Dinner isn't going to jump into that pot by itself."

It's always said in jest. I try to help when I can.....but if course I can't do anything right.

Well, there was this time that I was at my ex-wife's husbands house.
Cuck had to keep kissing her and eye fucking me, letting me know he got the prize.
So after about the third time I say, you know as many loads as I blew in Lynns mouth, even I quit kissing her, let alone using some tounge.
He went crazy, I pissed my pants on that one.
Haven't talked since that- 2007

Soulezoo said:

Pics or it is a lie. Asking for a friend.

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I’m not ready to die yet

Wanna get a pizza and fuck?